Top Chef
January 15, 2009
Welcome back, Top Chef fans. In order to ignore the truly awful news of this week, let's just jump right into it. No snappy opener from me. Too sad. More 'Top Chef' after the jump...
After a bit of foreshadowing in the form of bald guy bitchiness between Stefan and Hosea, we move directly to the Quickfire challenge. The chefs meet up with Princess Padma in the kitchen, and who should be waiting there with her but Season 3 champ Hung? That's right, that bitchy little Vietnamese guy who buzzed around the kitchen like Speedy Gonzales a few years ago is back, and he's here to judge the Quickfire. With a wave of his tiny little hands, he unveils a gigantic cart full of crappy canned, jarred, and boxed foodstuffs that the chefs will have to use in their dish. Canned soup, pancake mix, jars of pickled and pre-peeled garlic (blasphemy!), you name it - it's here. In addition to the formidable task of creating the most delicious dish possible out of the cheapest crap imaginable, to honor Hung's lightning-fast speed, Padma's only giving them 15 minutes to do it in. Padma says go, the cheftestants nearly kill each other over a tin of sardines, and we're off.
By littlebigmouth
January 8, 2009
I have to say that the Bravo channel seems to be getting weirder by the minute. Is anyone as creeped out by those 'Real Housewives of Orange County' commercials as I am? Cougar-tastic! Remember when Bravo was all about classy stuff like fashion, cooking, and cultured gay guys reminding sloppy straight guys to bathe before going outside? Yeah, those days are gone. Bret Michaels' party bus oughtta be showing up for the champagne brunch any minute now, folks. More 'Top Chef' after the jump...
By littlebigmouth
December 18, 2008
So the holidays are upon us, and you know what that means - a bunch of rich people getting together on television to remind us all of how charitable they are. Do we need to throw wildly elaborate and expensive parties in order to wipe out death and disease on this planet? Seems to me that just writing a check would use up a hell of a lot less electricity and unrecyclable plastic. I'm not getting a Christmas card from Kenneth Cole again this year, am I? Oh well. More Top Chef after the jump...
By littlebigmouth
December 11, 2008
A note to any and all aspiring chefs out there. Two, actually. First, drop the whole 'deconstructed' thing like now. No one who is sane and hungry wants to roll their own sushi on their plate. NOBODY. This isn't El Pollo Loco. Second, if you have any hopes of ever being taken seriously in a professional kitchen, don't buy any of those Top Chef shirts and chef coats and such. You will be laughed out of the place faster than you can possibly imagine, and most likely taken outside and beaten. More Top Chef after the jump...
By littlebigmouth
December 4, 2008
Well, as soon as Rocco DiSpirito showed up, at least we could determine that this episode wasn't going to be the usual brand of high-minded culinary twaffle that it usually is. Sure, Rocco's a douchebag of nearly the highest order, but being that he endorses frozen Italian dinners that come in a bag, at least the food wasn't going to be too out of reach. Don't even get me started on that nutbag Kathy Lee Gifford, either. More Top Chef after the jump...
By littlebigmouth
November 27, 2008
It's Thanksgiving on Top Chef, and you know what that means - time to whip up some tiny, overwrought, nearly inedible dishes in microwaves and serve them to douchebag rockstars like Taylor Hawkins. Does that guy like anything? I guess I'd be a little bitter if my lead singer was a better drummer than I'd ever be, too, but there was no reason to be such a jerk on television about it. More Top Chef after the jump...
By littlebigmouth
November 20, 2008
We're at week number 2 for Top Chef, the fancy-pantsiest show on television now that Project Runway's off for the season, and man, what the hell happened? Remember last week when Tom was praising the new cheftestants and telling everyone how excited he was about the upcoming season? Yeah, well, this week he told them that their performance set American cuisine back 20 years. Harsh. Does someone need a hug? Or a new book deal, perhaps? More Top Chef after the jump...
By littlebigmouth
November 13, 2008
You know how there is usually one thing in your life that you both love and hate at the same time? That's how I feel about Top Chef. I love watching people create the most delicious-looking dishes imaginable out of virtually nothing, but I can't stand having to sit around watching the judges pick them apart with meaningless phrases like 'it's a total failure of imagination'. I love seeing one of my favorite authors like Anthony Bourdain show up and tear these hash-slinging nincompoops a new one at least once or twice a season, but I can't stand the sight of that empty-headed dingbat Padma sitting right next to him when I know full well that it should be me in her place. I could pretend to be as cultured as she thinks she is FAR better than she can, dammit. More Top Chef after the jump...
By littlebigmouth
May 12, 2008
Instead of the classic 8-chef challenge, restaurant wars, we get wedding wars. The twist that saves it? It's a no-sleep face-off, as the contestants work through the night to cater next day nuptials.
The chefs are split into two teams for both the quick fire and elimination. Team 1: Nikki, Spike, Dale, and Lisa. Yeah, I know. Team 2: Richard, Antonia, Stephanie and Andrew.
Quick Fire: It's the cooking relay race that Casey failed at so spectacularly last season. This year the chefs have to suprem oranges, turn and cut an artichoke, filet a monkfish and whip up some homemade mayo. Everyone proves they're pretty adept with a knife, bringing the whole race down to Stephanie and Nikki on mayo duty. As the girls beat the mayo mercilessly, their teams get all kinds of amped. Which explains why, when Steph wins it for her side, opponent Dale loses his shit. In front of Tom. Oh Dale. You're a good chef. Be careful.
May 1, 2008
The Zoi avenging tour came to a close last week when Jennifer was sent home for the use of an unnecessary phallic crouton. What's cooking this week?
Quick Fire Challenge: The contestants are introduced to Oprah's personal chef, Art Smith, who challenges them to make a healthy meal with Uncle Ben's rice in...15 minutes. Panic ensues as the kitchen is drowned in choruses of chefs on the go yelling "behind you! to your left! coming through!"
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