Parting is such sweet sorrow.Welcome back, everyone! After a long decade month of hiatus, show is back! 

In a large farmhouse, a man is eating dinner in front of the TV when his lamp suddenly turns off.  When he gets up to get a new light bulb or something, a door across the room swings open.  Out steps an adolescent girl, deathly pale with tangled black hair and the weirdest looking teeth I have ever seen.  “You?” the man says, clearly terrified.  “That’s impossible!”  He tries to keep the girl away, but she advances anyway, and the man’s blood splatters across a cross-stitched picture reading “Home Sweet Home.”

Can someone please get this man an Emmy?

Dear Show,

You are SO FUCKING LUCKY that you have Jensen Ackles on your payroll.

No love,
Gemma

What the hell?!  This was the best season!  THE BEST!  What exactly were the writers smoking when they came up with the last two episodes?  Sure, there were some good parts, but this was overdone and inconsistent at best.  This show is better than that.

DO NOT WANT 

After the LONGEST MOTHERFUCKING INTRO EVER we join a young woman in a psychiatric hospital.  A psychiatrist asks her if she knows why she’s there.  The girl, Anna, seems a bit out of it, but she insists that she’s not crazy and that she was simply trying to warn the world that the apocalypse is coming.  Um, not the best thing to tell the doctor if you’re looking to get out anytime soon.  She continues anyway, recapping the Lilith and the 66 seals of DOOM saga until she is interrupted by the sound of whispers.  The doctor, who cannot hear the whispers and clearly thinks that Anna is batshit, tries to get the girl back on track.  Turns out that there are actually about 600 seals, of which Lilith only has to break 66, and no one knows exactly which ones she’s going to go after.  “That’s why the angels are losing,” Anna says.  “That’s why we’re all going to die.”  On that happy note, we transition to later in the day, when an orderly enters the room to give her her meds. Looks like she’s got the same demon recognition ability that Dean had briefly last season, since she freaks out when she sees the possessed orderly’s face.  She moves a chest of drawers with her mind, knocking the demon unconscious, and flees the hospital.

We start this week off with the classic hot-woman-in-the-shower scene.  While she’s enjoying what I can only assume is fabulous water pressure, a phantom figure lurks outside of the glass shower door.  I do not now, nor have I ever understood the point of see-through shower doors, but she doesn’t seem to mind the unintentional exhibitionism, so I suppose we shouldn’t either.  When she turns to exit the shower the phantom disappears, and she grabs a couple of towels to dry herself off.  An invisible hand wipes condensation off of the door, and wet footprints appear on the floor as the phantom walks towards the woman.  She doesn’t think anyone is there until she throws her towel away from her and it lands on an invisible head.  “Um, hello Mrs. Armstrong,” a pubescent and disembodied voice squeaks, and Mrs. Armstrong proceeds to lose her shit.

That's not face paint, Sam.

THEN: The…entire series happened.  Yeah.

NOW:  It’s two days before Halloween, and a suburban mom arrives home with a pumpkin and a bucket full of sweets.  She greets her husband, who’s feeding their cute little baby, and recounts the tale of how she beat up an old woman to get the candy.  I think we’ve all been there.  Her husband wants a piece, but she annoyingly refuses to let him have any until after Halloween.  When she leaves the kitchen to give the baby a bath, he sneaks a piece anyway.  Almost immediately he looks horrified, and we see that something is lodged in the roof of his mouth.  He pulls it out and discovers that it’s a razor. See, this is what you get when you don’t listen to your wife.  He starts convulsing and falls to the floor, coughing up blood and razors all the while.  By the time the mom gets back to the kitchen he’s dead, and the screaming commences.

Scared Dean is scared.

THEN: Dean went to Hell.  Lilith was a scary little kid.  Sam had demon blood in him.  Katie Cassidy was mediocre, but in light of recent events I’m going to say that she was FANTASTIC.  I’m not even the least bit ashamed of how inappropriately excited I was pnto see her in this montage.  If you need me, I’ll be drawing hearts around her name with glitter pen in my Lisa Frank notebook.

Holy lederhosen, Batman!How is this show not the most popular thing on TV?  I really, really want someone to explain to me how Meredith’s manic-depressive sexual escapades and Izzie’s whiney bitchery on Grey’s Anatomy get better ratings than this.  And seriously show, can you start being endearingly crappy again so I can make fun of you?  You’re making my job very difficult.

THEN: Dean went back to the future and discovered that a) Mary was a hunter, b) John was actually a nice guy, and c) the Yellow-Eyed Demon made a deal with Mary that allowed him to poison Sam with demon blood.  Sam lied to Dean about using his psychic powers, and Castiel told Dean that he had to stop Sam or the angels would step in.  Also?  Show and I got married.  It was a small private ceremony presided over by Kripke himself.  Our gift registry is at Pottery Barn.

Mommy's a BAMF!Dear Show,

Let’s have babies.

Epic amounts of love,
Gemma

Holy Mary mother of Dean you guys, this episode was amazing.  I have never actually wanted to procreate with a television program before, but now all bets are off.  If you aren’t ready for a committed relationship you might want to get out now, because after this you will be this show’s bitch and you will like it.

She's baaaaaaack!Instead of recapping this week’s THEN sequence, I just want to say one thing: BEST. EPISODE TITLE.  EVER.  Does this mean that the episode will be about bust-increasing exercises and Dean’s longing to finally become a woman?  Let’s find out.

NOW: A woman is sleeping on her couch, the book “The Secret Teachings of All Ages” laid on her stomach.  According to Amazon, this is an encyclopedia of occult, so it looks like she’s a hunter.  The electronics in her (rather shabby) home start flicking on and off.  This wakes her up, and her breath is visible when she exhales.  She books it over to a closet filled with hunting paraphernalia and takes out an EMF meter, which immediately starts going crazy.  As she loads a gun with rock salt she gets a call from Bobby, who leaves her a message in which he calls her Olivia and says that he needs her help with “something big.”  I have a difficult time believing that she’d be much help against anything big, since she looks like she’d be knocked down by a light breeze.  Can this show get any guest stars that look like they’ve eaten in the last month?  Anyway, Olivia nervously walks around her apartment until she is greeted by a very unhappy spirit.  She flips her shit and starts apologizing to him profusely.  When she turns to get away from him, a female spirit appears and digs her hand into Olivia with a sickening squish.  The screaming, it is loud.