We're now down to the "Awesome Threesome" - Jes, Heather and Lacey. After last week's shenanigans, Heather isn't sure that Lacey has her best interests in mind (duh!). Lacey reiterates that she's just looking out for herself. Jes can pretty much sit out this week, but she contributes her two cents and pushes for Bret girlfriend status. This week, the VH-1 producers Bret thought it would be a nifty idea to invite the gals' parents to the house for a little bonding. Because, as Bret says, "if you marry a girl, you marry her parents."

I am utterly giddy with excitement for this episode - it had the most compelling teaser I've ever seen (kudos, VH-1.) Lacey declares it's "game on" between she and Heather and Jes and Brandi. Brandi is Lacey's new target, because "she's immature." Pot, meet kettle. Jes thinks things are going to be "interesting." The ladies get their note from Bret - he's got a gig in Vegas and the ladies are tagging along. They're travelling in true rock star style, in a tour bus. Bret thinks it's very important that the gals see the "rock star side" of him - whatever that means. Bret heads off to sound check and leaves the ladies to their own devices at the luxury suite at the hotel. Big John tells the ladies they'll be watching Bret's gig and then spending time and enjoying dinner with him in the VIP suite. The lady that impresses Bret the most (How? Scratch that...I don't wanna know) will get to have a "nightcap" with Bret. John tells the ladies they had better bring their "A game" tonight.

There's only 5 gals left. Jes is sad that Mia's gone and knows she has to watch her back for the "conniving bitches...Lacey." Big John comes in with the girls' challenge for the week (is it me, or does he really not want to seem to be there?) Three Poison "superfans" are coming to get to know the ladies and help Bret with his selection. Poison superfans, huh? Jes thought they'd be big-haired 80's gals that all looked "like Heather" (well played, Jes!) Actually, true Poison "superfans" would probably be soccer moms right about now - but that makes for bad TV. Some of the girls are worried as to what the fans might ask and they all agreed Sam was going to have a hard time with this challenge. Jes was happy that outsiders were going to get to see the true Lacey.

Bret notes that some members of his "sexy six" have stepped up their game but warns Mia that she needs to get out from the background. He's got some "real important work" in the studio, so he motors and leaves the gals with a challenge. Meanwhile, the girls have nothing nice to say about Lacey. Jes calls her a "malicious, manipulative bitch." I agree, Jes. Jes found Bret's note. He tells them it's time to "rock the cameras and strike a pose." (Bret's a master of the cliche. Guess I should expect no less from the mastermind behind "Unskinny Bop".) Sam's excited because she models for some of her photographer friends. She probably does, but I can only see her in one of those tattoo rags.

It's the day after the elimination of "Starf-er" Erin and Big John arrives to wake up the remaining ladies. At 6 am. Ouch. Bret says these gals have to step up their game. He's also curious to see if Mia and Man-dalena are ever going to let their guards down and let him see who they really are (I don't know if you really want that much info, Bret!) The gals are off on another wacky challenge. It's the Tour Bus Challenge. The gals are going to see if they can hang with Bret on the road. Each "city" (a different area of some parking lot) has a challenge. First up, "New York City" - Big Joh picks the first competitior - who then picks who she wants to go up against. First up is Jes. She goes up against Man-dalena. They have to jam a suitcase full of clothes and get it back to the bus first. Jes seems to be winning, then she gets a sweater stuck in her zipper. Win to Mandalena.

Bret's worn out after elimination, so he retires to his boudoir and leaves the ladies to their own devices, and the fully-stocked bar. Brandi M. celebrated her victory by drinking. And drinking. And drinking some more. She was a "huge, drunk, sloppy mess" (her words, not mine. She wakes up with a monumental hangover. Lacey feels that she needs to up her game. The ladies head downstairs and see sports equipment. They're going to play football. Jes realizes the importance of winning this challegnge, she can get some alone time with Bret.

Blonde Brandi is sad that the other half of her brain is gone. Rodeo is majorly missing her son, so crazy Lacey decides Bret needs to see her breakdown. Bret wasn't sure how long she'd be able to tolerate the "crazy house of rock." Blonde Brandi has decided that now that she's on her own she needs to have some alone time with Bret. She gets rebuffed by Big John repeatedly. I love Big John.

Last week, the ladies divided into 2 dis-skankt camps - the hos and the maybe not so much of hos. Lacey realy wants Dallas gone. Big John delivers a note from Bret.  The ladies are going to have a motorcross challenge. Bimbos on bikes. I can't wait. According to Bret motorcross is one of the most important things in his life. Way to prioritize, dude. The gals hit the track and get some motorcross 101 training by Mercedes and Charity (more stripper names - what's up with that?) Man-dalena is having a hard time finding a helmet for her huge noggin and laughed so hard she peed herself (what's with gross bodily functions and these shows anyway? Is someone going to poop on the floor now?) Rodeo's a little too excited. As the ladies get the feel of the bikes, Mia demonstrates that she has mad skillz. Bret thinks there's something "hot" about Lacey. Dallas is having a few problems with her bike. Bret calls her the "craziest motorcross rider ever."

There's 16 "ladies" left in the house (presumably really hung over) and Bret wants to get to know each of them on an intimate level. Okee-dokee. Crazy Tiffany is passed out on the couch she promises to be a little more low-key today. Sure, that'll happen. Erin was talking about her ex-fiancee and Heather (for whatever reason) wants to get her and her phony circus boobs out of the house ASAP. Lacey has lifted her no drinking during the day rule while she's in the houseand she and Heather start cracking the bottles ("If you're going to date a rock star, you have to party like a rock star." Words to live by, Heather.) They then proceeded to break into the worst attempt at musicianship ever, which interrupted Bret's workout. He deemed it necessary to play some tasty licks for the gals. They must have been tasty, as his music got a few of the ladies on the pole - and the nasty party ensued. Jes and Erin refuse to be slutty and/or out of control. Dallas said the house was becoming like one of those strip clubs you'd find near an airport (not surprised she made that connection, as she probably works at one.) The gals seem to be splitting into 2 distinct groups the Slutty Girls (Heather, Lacey, Brandi and their ilk) and the Bitchy (not whorish) Girls (including Jes, Erin and the mannish one). Bret waas hanging with the slutty gals (he's only human, folks) but bails on the party so he can "drop a bomb on them." (Oh, I wish you would. Literally.) Lacey attempted to infiltrate the bitchy sect, and was promptly blown off by Jes, who declared she wanted none of the "bimbo posse." Lacey and Brandi started scheming about throwing one of the bitches in the pool and - shocker - it's Jes, who was less than pleased to take an impromptu swim.

Seems like I've been waiting forever for this. I have a full bottle of Purel, so I'm ready to go. Will Poison frontman Bret Michaels find someone he loves more than rock and roll? Hmmmm.... Probably not with this bunch. He's looking for someone who can be the ideal hybrid of friend and sex toy. That's the "rock of love".

So anywhoo...Bret shows off his ranch, motocross track, and recording studio. He has 2 daughters named Rain and Georgia (conveniently named in case they want to be strippers) His head of security Big John (as opposed to Big Rick from FOL) rents him a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and equips it with lots of booze, condoms and Valtrex. Bret feels in his heart, his soul and his loins that he's going to find "the one". Enough already, Bret - we get it.