Didn't we boot your asses already?: Former Pirates come back for one more shotPreviously on Pirate Master... Annie recapped episodes 101 through 107. She couldn't recap this week's episode, which is where I come in. Thanks to such resources like the Pirate Master Wiki and previous recaps, I think I've figured out what's going on. Even if I can't remember anybody's names. I mean seriously, everybody's tan and has unkempt, dreadlocked hair. It's madness!

Despite knowing Pirate Master was moving to Tuesdays this week, despite even mentioning it in my last recap, I still forgot. So, sorry for the late recap!

Cameron recaps. And recaps and recaps and recaps. On the one hand, I'm grateful that the previouslies last so frigging long since it means I have less work to do on recapping the new stuff. On the other hand, how sad is it that the producers must run such lengthy previouslies because they can't come up with enough interest new footage? Anyway, after the previouslies, Azmyth and his bitches drink rum and pat themselves on the back for being so awesome. The crew complains about Azmyth and his bitches and vow to win the next challenge and overthrow him. I can't believe that none of these idiots has suggested throwing the expedition if they end up on the black crew. Well, I can believe it, but it's still baffling that it hasn't come up even once. The loss of a share of the treasure has to be the better option than letting that alliance run the whole game. It only takes one person to fake an injury or even blatantly flip the "triad" (insert major eyeroll here) alliance the bird and refuse to compete. Laurel and Nessa would definitely be up for it, maybe even Christa.

I swear to god, I think CBS keeps repeating the same episode over and over because they all follow the exact same formula:

1. Cameron explains how the game works and tells us what happened previously.
2. Post-cutting adrift discussion.
3. Morning duties aboard the Picton Castle. Maybe some "strategery" here.
4. Unlocking the next compartment in the Chest of Zanzibar. Picking crews.

There were storms moving through my area last night and the local news kept interrupting this episode to give updates, so I missed quite a bit of the show. Here are the highlights:

Sean and Nessa don't like each other, because Sean thinks Nessa is manipulative and scheming and Nessa thinks Sean is a liar. Jay is on Nessa's side, still pissed off that Sean didn't vote to get rid of Cheryl two weeks ago like he said he would.

Y'all, this is the fifth of six hours of TV I'm recapping today and this show is easily the more boring of the shows I'm recapping, so if I'm rather half-assing it, please forgive me. I truly appreciate the extra money I'll be earning this week but, holy crap, my fingers and brain are effing TIRED. You know what else is tired? The interminable previouslies on this show. Also, every time Cameron repeats the "Captain Steele's enormous fortune" line, I mentally substitute "enormous penis." I make my own fun, because this show rarely supplies it.

We open with another lengthy recap of how the show works and what happened in the first two episodes. Is it sad that listening to Cameron's yummy accent tell us shit we've already seen is far more interesting than the actual show? Yes. Yes, it is.

Post-elimination reactions. Loupert moans about missing Christian and says everyone is dumb for not getting rid of JD but, HELLO, he did not even vote for mutiny. He's so full of shit. Credits. I really do like the jaunty theme music. When we return, Jay wakes up the crew and tells them to get ready to set sail. I was going to bitch about there being another effing montage of the sails being hoisted blah blah blah but then I see a shot of Azmyth hotly doing yoga, so it's all good. Jay sucks up to JD, then tells the camera that he's loyal to JD as long as it benefits him. Jay's kind of a dick but at least he's playing the game like it's a real competition with actual prize money and not like it's an RPG. Jupiter puts makeup on the crew members. Flag is raised, sails are hoisted, people blather about the life of a pirate. Laurel (glass blower) says she's lived in a van for a year and thinks being a pirate is more of a state of mind thing. Alexis whines about being sore and tired. Sean is all, "Yay, it's treasure day!" Hee.

Oh, bless this show. The first five minutes is nothing but Cameron giving us a recap on how the show works and what happened last week. Since I already recapped that, I get to give me fingers a break. The bonus? I get to listen to Cameron's dreamy accent. After he finishes stealing my job, the crew hangs out in their bunks and dissects John's elimination. In the Captain's Cabin, JD selects Sean as cook, since his bartending skills make him suited for that role. Okey dokey. JD also decides that he needs a buffer between himself and the crew so he picks Jay as his bosun. Both men agree to their new positions, with Sean saying it's a win-win situation for him, since JD will trust him and everyone loves the cook. Cheryl interviews that she doesn't trust Jay because, in case you forgot, she's a deputy district attorney and she can spot a liar from a mile off. She's right in this case, at least, as Jay interviews that he's going to be playing both sides and is only there for the money. Credits. They're unremarkable, except for the jaunty Celtic-sounding theme music and the fact that Sean's hotness almost made my TV screen catch on fire.

The theme of "This Just Sounds Like The Pirates of the Caribbean Music But It's Different Enough To Keep Hans Zimmer's Attack Lawyers At Bay" plays as 16 famewhores row out to the Picton Castle, their pirate ship home for the next few weeks. They clamber aboard and are greeted by host Cameron Daddo, who is not as scorchingly hot as Phil Keoghan but he's still pretty tasty and his sexy Australian accent gives him an edge over Jeff Probst. He orders the pirates to haul a treasure chest out of the sea and one dude who looks alarmingly like Survivor Rupert nearly wets himself with excitement over the possible treasure. Alas, after a long-winded and boring story about omg totes for real pirate Henry Steele, Cameron reveals that the "Chest of Zanzibar" contains 14 compartments, each with a map to where Henry Steele the producers hid part of his the show's treasure. Starting tomorrow, they'll embark on competitions to find each part of the treasure, the total sum of which is $1 million. So, they can find these 14 parts of the treasure and it all adds up to $1 million, or they can collect the 14 parts and then the winner gets $1 million on top of what he or she has already collected over the course of the game? I'm already confused. Anyway, Cameron tells them that it's now time for the eat, sleep, and mingle part of the game. Ooops, wrong show. Pirate Master is cobbled from different parts of several reality shows and, of course, one ginormous movie franchise. If Pirates of the Caribbean, Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, and American Idol mated and had a baby, it would be this show. It's...kind of a dull baby, to be honest.