Oh, girl!: Kathy and Tiffany size up a potential "handsyman". Originally, I was going to call this "Kathy vs. The Clitflicker", kinda like it was an old Godzilla movie, but I think didn't that was appropriate. Though you have to admit it's kinda funny, yes? Don't worry, it'll seem funny in a minute. Is Jessica actually gay now? Kathy seems to think so, though she denies it on the official "Team Griffin" blog. Still, it's good material for Kathy's act, and certainly takes some pressure off Tom to provide new material for Kathy's arsenal of roommate jokes.

Onstage, Kathy talks about how since the divorce she has been questioning her knowledge of straight men. Like, if she thought she knew them so well, why is it that she still doesn't know why they scratch their balls so damn much?

Kathy tasks her staff with finding her celebrity dates who will enable her to fuck her way to the middle. Anybody who can get her a photo op is game, though George Clooney is, admittedly a bit of a reach. Kathy and the team list some candidates, including:

• AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys
• Tommy Lee
• Kevin "K-Fed" Federline
• Ron Jeremy
• Chingy ("Or any rapper!" Kathy chirps)
• former Nicole Richie fiance DJ AM
• Winner of the current season of "Survivor" or "The Apprentice"
• "Ugly Betty"
• "'Heroes' cheerleader"

While Kathy deems her plan perfect, parents John and Maggie are less enthusiastic. Why can't she date a nice man like Sean Hannity? The mere sound of his name inspires revulsion, and their other choices -- Art Carney, Benny Goodman -- being dead, don't get much of a reception, either.

Note: This episode originally aired on June 5. The recaps for episodes 2 and 3, as well as of the other shows I recap -- The Next Best Thing, Kyle XY, and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip -- will show up soon. And yes, that includes back episodes as well. Feel free to leave complaints on my blog, but only if you must, okay