Rock of Love Bus - Get the Puck Out (Episode 303)

Someone had to say it... 

Well, it's fitting that my last post for Recapist happens to be one for my favorite show. So, anyway, the sun again rises on the caravan of disease. It's Taya's week to state that it's time to step up her game. All of the girls really want Brittaney gone, especially after her racist rant against Natasha the night before. Natural Born Ashley noted that she stayed in the appropriately-named Alien Invasion room because "aliens need to abduct her fat ass and bring her to somewhere else because we don’t want her". Well put.

Bret's "Tenacious Twelve" arrive in Champaign, Illinois. Kelsey says "I have no clue where Champaign is, but all I know is it’s my favorite drink, so we’re going to the bottom of the bottle!" (I'm sure she's not the only geographically-challenged lady on this tour.) The gals meet up with Bret at an ice rink. Bret says he loves nothing more that seeing scantily clad women in freezing cold conditions. Hey, it's Skanks on Ice! Bret tells the ladies that he loves his two little girls and he needs a woman who's protective and possesses a strong maternal instinct. So once again, "Baby Bret" is going to be subjected to more violence as the gang participates in a rousing game of "Baby Bret Hockey." The goal is to get li'l Bret into his crib (the net). The ladies are split into teams and have three attempts to score. Here's the tricky part - they're facing off against the University of Illinois ladies' hockey team and their honorary captain (who Bret promises will "rip their faces off"), awful Lacey (why won't she go away?) "What's up, skanks?" indeed.

The ladies strap on their skates and hit the ice. Brittaney claims to have once been a championship ice skater (which obviously leads to a career in porn.) Farrah is still trying to make "What the French?" happen (it's not happening.) Kelsey was zipping agily across the ice but Beverly was slipping and sliding all over the place. Ashley noted that she was the "wackest skater of the bunch." It was them time for the ladies to split into teams before attempting to launch a baby into a net (there were actually three nets to choose from - the farther away they were, the more the teams earned if they got the baby in them.) So, here are your teams:

Blue Team: Natasha, Brittanya, Mindy and Taya
Black Team: Maria, Melissa, Brittaney and Beverly
Pink Team: Ashley (A-Bomb), Kelsey, Marcia and Farrah

The blue team is up first. They decapitate poor Baby Bret. Brittanya suffers a bloody navel (it's a good thing she didn't fall on her face and rip those dimple piercings out) and Natasha gets clocked and is left hyperventilating on the ice. But, thanks to Mindy, they score four points. The black team misses the first shot and scores one point. They then fail to realize that they need more than one point to beat the blue team and again shoot baby Bret into the one point goal. Somehow I don't think the "Math Olympics" will be a future challenge on this show. Beverly, it turns out, was a ringer, and she led the pink team to victory with five points. For her efforts, Melissa got a leaky boob. The girl has no idea what's in her chest and doesn't get much help from the paramedics. Ashley drops another verbal a-bomb on us by saying that "If Melissa busted her breast implant playing hockey, then she got ‘em done in Tiajuana because $300 boob jobs pop for no reason, OK?" Thanks for setting us straight. Back on the bus, someone smells pee (I'll bet this happens a lot, but this leads into a shocking discovery.) The gals discover that Brittaney has been stashing food in her bed and worse yet, stole all of their sweaty hockey socks. Weird and very creepy, but I guess her tootsies probably get cold on the set.

Bret takes the ladies on the kind of sophisticated outing you expect to see on ROL - yep, they go to a strip club. This time, however, the gals are the star attraction. (It sucks when you have to work on vacation, doesn't it?) Beverly's not having it and Bret pretty much forces her on the stage and orders her to have fun. This approach isn't working. Beverly grudgingly goes on stage, but keeps her clothes on (fortunately for Bret, the other gals have no such issues.) Bret pulls Beverly aside and asks her why she's opting for clothes. Beverly said she had three kids and didn't want them to see their Mommy pole dancing. The "parent thing" always seems to work on Bret, so they seem to be back on track (but Bret later confesses that he thinks Bev's a bit of a "buzzkill".)

Back at the hotel, the gals turn their attention to Brittaney and the great sock robbery. Brittaney says she didn't steal the socks - she simply asked the manager of the rink if she could have them. Used socks...ewww! Brittaney felt like everyone was against her and went out and slept on the bus. At least she'll have warm feet! Back in the room, Melissa was loudly yapping on a cell phone to someone we can only assume was her boyfriend. She bad-mouthed Bret (and his extensions....how dare she!) and said he looked old. She also said she didn't like him as a person. Whatevs. The next day, Brittaney whined to Bret about how she felt ostracized by the rest of the girls. Bret is finally starting to figure out that this girl is crazy, and not in the crazy for rock 'n' roll way! Melissa took her leaky boob to the doctors and the other gals couldn't wait to regale Bret with details about her late night phone call. Later on, Bret confronted Melissa who flat-out lied and told Bret that she made no such phone call. Bret said he was getting a little tired of riding Melissa's "bipolar roller coaster."

At eliminations, Bret finally tells us what we've known since the beginning of time. He has hair extensions - but, not just any hair extensions. Bret wants us to know that he has spent some "quality money on the finest hair extensions Europe has to offer." he then gives the gals the chance to get anything they want off their chest and Melissa beats Bret to the punch and says she's not feeling him. Bret tells her, in no uncertain terms, to "get the f--k out", eliciting cheers from the remaining girls. The passes are distributed and the tour is over for Brittaney and her socks. Everybody leaves the room, leaving Brittaney to stand alone and look increasingly crazier. At least Bret will have her DVDs to keep him company (especially because they don't talk back!)

Well, my tour ends now too. Maybe I should consider a career in porn? Thanks to everyone who read and supported the site for the past few years - and special thanks to Bret Michaels and his European hair extensions...you will be missed.