Smallville: Legion (Episode 811)

Welcome to the second half of season eight, dear readers!  Muchas gracias to Dee for stepping in on the previous two episodes and recapping the hell out of 'em for me.

We pick up where we left off back in November, after a few key events: Clark got Jor-El to exorcise Brainiac from Chloe and strategically remove all her knowledge of Clark's secret in the process.  What a mensch.  Then Lana came back to attend Chloe and Jimmy's wedding, which was, uh, doomed by the attack of Davis Bloome's seven-foot porcupiny alter ego.  Prince Charming then carried the new Mrs. Olsen to the "Brainiacked" (TM Dee) Fortress of Solitude, where she woke up with silver eyes and an expression of supreme satisfaction.

That "just married" glow, no doubt.

Lana now trudges through the wreckage of the wedding reception in the Kent barn, eyes shining with unshed tears.  Clark arrives, having searched "three time zones" for Chloe, and worried about this "ultimate destroyer" from Krypton that Jor-El warned him about.  Ah, I believe we've learned our lesson to take Jor-El's warnings seriously.  Lana volunteers to head to ISIS to delve into Chloe's files for info on this thing, and at Clark's hesitation to let her get involved, vows that she's a different person than she was seven months ago.  Oh yes, that text message she received at the reception implying that her encounter with Oliver was a con certainly inclines the audience to trust her.

As soon as Lana leaves, a shaft of violet light in the loft announces the arrival of a heavily-muscled dude wielding a hefty axe.  He's sort of He-Man meets The Man in the Iron Mask, and he wastes no time cleaving a wooden trunk in two.  As this is rather rude behavior for a visitor -- not to mention there's been quite enough damage inflicted on this barn today, thanks very much -- Clark gets all up in the new arrival's grill.  He-Mask swings his axe at Clark's side, which doesn't kill him as it surely would a normal person, but causes some bloody damage all the same.

As He-Mask makes to chop Clark to super-bits, his axe stops in mid-air and sails into the hand of a dashing young fellow in black wearing a ring with an "L" on it.  Before He-Mask can get too testy about this, a sassy blonde girl in red comes on the scene, sending jumbled telepathic signals over HMSK 101.1 FM; and a third, ginger-haired boy in blue sends lightning bolts into him, knocking him unconscious.  The stranger in black removes an identical L-ring from He-Mask's hand, wishes him a safe trip home, and He-Mask disappears in another flash of light.

Clark, injured but mobile, is able to manage little more than a "WTF."  Black, clearly the leader, addresses Clark as "Kal-El" and says what an honor it is to meet him.  Red introduces them as The Legion, from the 31st century, and if that wasn't enough to make Clark's head spin, a grinning Blue asks "Kal" where his cape is.  Heh.

Credits, in which Oliver, Lois, Tess and Jimmy make their only appearances this week.  Boo!  But as it's nonetheless a pretty badass episode, I'll overlook it.

Red (okay, Imra) offers Clark a towel, explaining that He-Mask used an axe that splits atoms; he'll heal, but not quickly.  Clark questions their claim of being from the future, so Blue (okay, Garth) says excitedly that one day Clark will be known as Sup-- but Black (okay, Rokk) interrupts, insisting that it's time to go.  Clark demands further elaboration, considering his best friend is missing.  Rokk explains that He-Mask is known as The Persuader, a member of the xenophobic Human Supremacist Movement.  How topical.  Also, I'm assuming his axe is his key "persuasive" tool, as homeboy wasn't much of a talker.  Garth and Imra add that the HSM aren't big Kal-El fans, as it is due to Clark's influence that the people of earth learn to accept alien immigrants.  He-Mask stole one of the Legion's time-travel rings to come after Clark -- or did he?  Rokk discovers the mangled Phantom Zone shield crystal in the cloven trunk, and deduces that He-Mask wasn't here to destroy Clark, but rather the device used to extract Brainiac from its host.  Ah, it seems the intrepid Brain Interactive Construct is only MOSTLY dead.  Big difference between mostly dead and all dead.

At the blackened Fortress, a shirtless and bloody Davis wakes.  I thought we'd established that he wakes up naked after these little episodes, but perhaps Bruce Banner advised him on a specialty tailor.  Davis spots Chloe standing in her bloodied wedding dress and goes to her, relieved she's okay; but silver-eyed Chloe identifies herself as Brainiac.  She proceeds to expound upon Mommy Dearest's story of Davis's creation, adding that his attraction to Chloe was merely a program Brainiac installed to get Davis to come hither.  Now Davis must "incubate" for twelve days in his Kryptonian crysalis to complete his metamorphosis to Doomsday, at which point he'll be ready to eradicate "the other Kryptonian" and all of earth.  And I thought the to-do list on my fridge was a tall order.

Back at the Barn of Nuptial Terror, Clark tries to convince the Legionnaires that Brainiac is history, but according to their history books, today is famous as the day Clark destroys Brainiac.  Unfortunately, he was supposed to do it with the now-kaput shield crystal, which is the only way to stop Brainiac without killing its host.  Imra reads Clark's panicked thoughts and wants to know who Chloe Sullivan is.  Ruh-roh.

Back from commercial, Clark streaks a red blur across the countryside, but stops when he hears pursuit from above: the Legionnaires are flying behind him.  They land and ask why he left.  Clark insists on stopping Brainiac his own way, meaning no one gets killed.  Garth wants to know why they aren't having this conversation in the sky, and Clark snaps that he can't fly.  Oh dear, poor Garth's expectations are deflating at an alarming rate.  Clark is going north to see Jor-El.  He's not convinced Chloe is the host, since she was cured of Brainiac's possession.  Gently but firmly, Rokk tells Clark that they've heard of Lois Lane, Lana Lang, and Jimmy Olsen -- but no one named Chloe Sullivan.  Imra offers kindly that perhaps Chloe's name got lost in the annals of history, but Garth tactlessly suggests that that might be because she doesn't survive.  Ooh, meta.  Love it.

Clark, however, is less than pleased; he takes Garth's shoulders in a painful grip and insists that Chloe doesn't die, then speeds off in a huff.  Rokk: "Lightning Lad, you might want to take your AC foot out of your DC mouth before you short yourself out."  Hee.  Garth wears  his disappointment on his sleeve, pointing out that with "no glasses, no tights, no flights," Clark is nothing like the Man of Steel they've read about.

So, Plan B.  Imra finds Lana at the ISIS Foundation and explains who she is and why they need Lana's help: she must convince Clark that the only way to defeat Brainiac is to kill Chloe, saving billions of lives.  However, as persuading Clark to off his best friend is perhaps not the fail-safest method for proving she's changed, Lana is not down with this plan.  Imra says that as a child she read stories about Lana and the hardships she's overcome and the "incredible things" she goes on to do: Lana is part of the reason Kal-El becomes the hero the world looks up to.  Continuing to channel former showrunners Al Gough and Miles Millar, Imra goes on about how Lana knows more about sacrifice than anyone, and she will eventually realize that taking Chloe's life is the only way.

At Chloe's apartment, the other two Legionnaires snoop through her things, trying to find clues that will help them track her down.  Garth discovers a scrapbook of articles from the Wall of Weird, along with mention of the ISIS Foundation.  This gets Rokk's attention: Lana founded that organization to help superpowered people embrace their abilities.  What if Chloe has been helping Kal-El embrace his?  Oooh, y'all is v.v. smrt!  Garth wonders if the reason they've never heard of her is that Kal-El asks Chloe to go under a different name when he finally starts to fly -- to protect her.  Rokk counters with his own guess: maybe Chloe's death inspires Kal-El to take flight in the first place.  Oh man, writers!  The day has finally come when you start to remind us that Chloe won't be around forever.  Stop it!  I need a pearl-clutching moment.

At the Fortress of Darkitude, Clark shouts for Jor-El.  Chloiac announces that Jor-El is gone, and the Fortress's knowledge store now belongs to her.  She touches a crystal, sapping it of its glow and leaving it black.  It's a simple plan: she absorbs all of earth's knowledge, and Doomsday annihilates what's left.  Clark shoves Chloiac against a bank of crystals, realizing she brought Doomsday upon them.  Chloiac smiles calmly at Clark and dares him to kill her.  He drops her, and she confirms that she chose this host knowing that Clark would never harm it.  She tosses Clark across the room and speeds off; Clark follows, and we pan down to find poor Davis imprisoned in his crysalis, no doubt getting doomier by the minute.

Out in a rainy city street, the Legionnaires walk and talk.  Garth coughs at the exhaust train of a passing vehicle, and Rokk remarks that humans don't replace carbon fuels for another twenty years.  Twenty years!  So, in my lifetime, then.  Awesome.  Imra is determined to protect these people, for without their "incredible human spirit," Kal-El will never become the hero he is destined to be, and their world will never exist.  Garth is starting to think the stories are "more legend than legion," but Rokk insists Clark is no fraud.  Preach it, Rokk!  Imra and Garth, however, note that Brainiac must be stopped with or without Clark's help; they'll have to kill Chloe themselves.

Clark arrives at ISIS to find Lana up to date.  She's searching the global power grid in hopes a power surge will lead them to Brainiac.  Clark wonders if Imra is right that the only way to stop him is to kill Chloe.  Lana frowns, declaring that the Clark she knows would never waver, and would insist he could save both Chloe and the rest of the world.  I'd like to admonish her for putting too much pressure on him, but hey, he's freakin' Superman.  Um...go Lana?  It's your birthday?

At the Daily Planet, Chloiac kicks a stuntman down the stairs and goes to rewire the network server.  Next thing we know all the computer screens display a green, V-shaped molecular-like image which renders catatonic anyone who looks at it.  Funny, I seem to be okay.  Over at ISIS, Lana's equipment pinpoints the surge.  Clark remarks that the Planet makes sense, as it is "the hub of information."  Yes, a newspaper in a big city in Kansas is the first place I'd go if I wanted to take over the world.  Nevertheless, it seems to be effective, as Lana soon goes motionless due to the image on her screen.

Imra arrives at the Planet and tries to teleconvince Chloiac to stop.  Perhaps if her communication weren't so blurred and difficult to understand?  Anyhoo, Chloiac merely turns and blasts Imra off her feet.  Imra: "Your sadism is historic where I come from.  But so is your defeat."  Yowza, look at the claws on this kitty!  Just then, Rokk and Garth combine their powers to send an electromagnetic pulse at Chloiac, crashing her computer, so to speak.  Imra detects low-level brain activity on the unconscious Chloe, and declares that they don't have much time.  They notice the computer screens all around the office -- how come the electromagnetic pulse didn't crash them? -- and Rokk notes that Brainiac is downloading every last byte of human knowledge.  Pfft.  I guarantee you the Amazons are nowhere near a computer right now, dude.

Rokk places Chloiac on a table, and Garth presents...a cake knife?  Okay.  Garth attempts to psych himself up to stab Chloe, reminding himself of his Legion pledge to do whatever it takes, but when it's clear he can't do it, Rokk gently takes the knife.  He takes a deep breath and stabs downward, but Clark arrives in time to catch his hand.  He demands to know what kind of principles they live by; if the Legion's code had anything to do with him, Rule Number One would be: Do Not Talk About The Legion No Killing.  Clark pleads with them that if they ever believed in him, they should help him save the human inside Chloiac.  Imra leans over Chloe's body and declares that Clark is right -- Chloe is definitely in there.  Rokk closes his eyes, clearly unnerved by what he almost did.

Not wanting Brainiac near a computer network if he wakes up, they take Chloe's body back to the Kent barn.  Clark asks Imra to try to connect with Chloe while Rokk and Garth work together: Garth can short circuit Brainiac with static while Rokk focuses his power to extract the metal nanites from Chloe's body.  As Clark tells Chloe to brace for impact, her silver eyes open.  Garth attacks, and Rokk steadily (no pun intended) "pulls" the Brainiac particles out of Chloe's mouth.  They form a metal ball in midair, and when it's over, Rokk catches the ball, Davis wakes up in his crysalis, computer screens everywhere return to their business, and Lana snaps back to consciousness.  Clark asks if Chloe is okay, and she smiles exhaustedly at him: "Fine.  I definitely feel a whole lot dumber."  Aww.

At the Talon apartment, Clark enters to find Chloe packing a bag.  She's okay, but she'll feel better when she can get to Star City, where Jimmy is in the hospital.  Clark says he hasn't seen the "destroyer" since Brainiac was powered down, but since it was linked to Brainiac, they're hoping it has been disabled as well.  Awkwardly, Clark asks how Chloe's memory has held up through all of this: does she remember anything unusual about him, for instance?  Chloe's all, um, you mean the fact that you're an alien with smoldering eyes, bat hearing, an excellent time on the hundred-mile dash, and a hero complex?  What could make her forget that?  Man, as glad as I am that Chloe is back to sidekick status, I'm not going to forgive Clark in a hurry for taking it away.  Chloe, for her part, is grateful that Clark saved her, but she hopes that if it ever came down to having no alternative, Clark would choose what's best for the world.  Clark prefers to maintain that such a thing will never happen as long as he's around.  I would prefer to maintain that, too, but I've watched television before.

At the farm, Lana enters the living room to find Imra gazing at pictures of the Kent family.  Imra admits that the Legionnaires were willing to take the easy way out, but Kal-El never gave up, and the history books got it right when they said that he brings out the best in people.  Lana starts to ask what's in store for her and Clark, but Imra says they'll have to discover that for themselves.  On the other hand, Imra assures her, Lana has a destiny of her own and will be remembered for more than just her relationship with Clark.  Yeah, I'm gonna have to beg to differ on that one.

In the barn, the boys finish cleaning up the wreckage.  Garth lets out a whoop as he finds a baseball he's only heard stories about, as it's an artifact the historians never found: the first one Clark ever hit.  Garth asks to keep it, and when Clark agrees, Garth asks Clark to sign it.  Rokk rolls his eyes and tells Garth he's acting like a Sub.  HAHAHAHAHA.  I greatly enjoy that there is a Legion of Substitute Heroes who are too lame for acceptance into the real Legion.  New project, CW!

Clark gamely burns his initials into the ball as Imra joins them, carrying the hunk of metal that used to be Brainiac.  Rokk feels confident that they can reprogram it into something useful, and Imra hopes that Brainiac 5 will be more friendly.  Gee, I hope that works out splendidly for them.  When a piece of technology tries to kill me, I'm more inclined to turn it to dust than try to reuse it, but that's me.  Rokk turns serious, apologizing for doubting Clark, and pledging that the Legion's first commandment rule will henceforth be never to kill, no matter what.  He gives Clark a Legion ring, which he has reprogrammed for time travel only -- no flights -- in case Clark ever fancies visiting the 31st century to meet the rest of the Legion.  As they prepare to leave, Rokk takes another serious moment with Clark to warn him to be careful in the days ahead.  This actor is quite good and rather appealing, and I hope we see Rokk again.  The Legionnaires stand together and raise their rings, Rokk declares "Long live the Legion," and they vanish in a burst of violet light.

Later, on the Kent porch, Lana finds Clark gazing at the ring.  He finds it strange to meet people who know all about his future, but Lana submits that they don't know everything, or Chloe wouldn't be alive right now.  They also didn't know about Chloe!  But they do now, so I'm somewhat mollified.  Clark notes that he will apparently accomplish legendary things known throughout the galaxy, and Lana guesses that Clark is afraid he won't live up to those things.  She predicts he will, but advises him to do it on his own schedule: "Our destiny is not written in some book in the future.  We write it ourselves, every day."  That's...actually fairly insightful.  Check the temperature in hell, y'all.  So, what do they write next?

I suggest a chapter covering the fallout from the next scene, which involves the breaking forth of a distinctly unhappy-looking Doomsday from his crystal ice prison.  Ruh-roh.

RECAPPER'S NOTE: Unfortunately, I will not be around to relive that chapter with you, dear readers, as I am among the majority of recappers here who cannot continue to write for Recapist once its parent company, Buzznet, discontinues payment.  Which is, uh, tomorrow.  I hope you've enjoyed the snark as much as I've enjoyed dishing it, and here's to the rest of what's turned out to be a great Smallville season so far.  Cheers.