Rock of Love Bus - Episode 302

It's a nice day for a weave wedding... Gee, VH-1 isn't even bothering to give these episodes punny names - so I'll give it a go. Let's call this one "Do you take this skank?" Yeah, that sounds about right. After Gia's elimination last week (sent home for serving drinks from her most private of places), Farrah says she has learned a valuable lesson, "do not show your va-jay-jay in public." Jane Krakowski look-a-like and animal trainer Megan knows she needs to "step it up" but conversely says she doesn't think she should have to chase Bret around to get his attention. She believes that he should come and talk to her. Nice knowing you, Megan. Marcia decides to defect to the blue bus because she can't stand being around "Natural Born" Ashley for another second.

The girls get information on their first challenge. They have to write wedding vows for a ficticious ho/washed-up rocker ceremony and give Bret a gift that they feel best represents them. It's going to be "a wedding, Bret Michaels style" (which you know ain't gonna be classy.) As the carqavan o' skanks moves onto Indianapolis, the gals struggle with their writing and Beverly eyes the bar, saying "If worse comes to worse, start drinking." Marcia announces to us that she's not going to drink anymore, lest she get into another fight with Ashley. Let's see how long that lasts. Constandina wants to do something "classy, artsy and different" for Bret and practices her spiritual gyrations on the bus as the other gals continue to attempt to discover their inner Walt Whitmans.

The buses pull up to a wedding chapel (although, for some reason, many of the gals thought it was a school. Actually it makes sense - none of these women have probably set foot in a church in a long time.) Inside the church, there are wedding dresses, veils and "Wedding-ish accessories." Bret sends the skanks back to get dressed and reminded them to "bring it" for the challenge. As the ladies get tarted up (no one told them that corsets were supposed to go under the many wedding dresses that hung on a rack in the dressing room. Lonliest. Dresses. Ever.) Tomboy Beverly refuses to walk down the aisle looking like a hooker. You go girl. Bret donned his fancy best for the occassion - a sleveless tuxedo t-shirt and (mandatory) red bandana. Bret is nothing if not classy. Porn star Brittaney walks down the aisle first, to the musical stylings of a very bad guitarist named Sue (who looked like a way past her prime Indigo Girl.) Ol' Brit Brit says she's got this in the bag because she's a singer-songwriter with way with words - and she seemingly used all of the ones she knew in a five page epic. (Best/worst line, "If there’s ever a tear to fall from your perfect face, I will kiss it away until a tender smile blesses me.") Awful ones. Bret says thet Brittaney is either "madly in love with me or clinically insane." Ummm...B, Bret, definitely B.

Farrah walks the aisle in a black and hot pink corset and Pam Anderson-esque fuzzy top hat. She told Bret in her vows that, "We can party and have a good time/And occasionally, you can hit it from behind." Hi-yo, indeed. For some mysterious reason, model Maria is compelled to lick her fingers after kissing Bret (I, on the other hand would jump for the Listerine.) Kelsey has very talented boobs. That's all I'm saying about that. Marcia Brazil tells Bret she'll make him rockin' food and promises to never wear panties (even when she's cooking? Isn't that unsanitary?) Constandina enchants Bret with her belly dancing and elicits a "Taj Mah-hi-yo" from Cap'n Bandana. Samantha's freaking out and nervoulsy speeds through her vows, repeatedly telling Bret that she's easy (tell him something we all don't already know.) Beverly kept her promise of being herself and walked down the aisle, barefoot, in jeans and motocross gear (she could have made this a little sexier, but she's obviuosly been paying attention to the previous two seasons and know what Bret enjoys. Smart move, lady. Although...I still think she's too good for this show. But that's just me. Every competition needs a dark horse.) Her "wedding gifts" to Bret were the motocross top and a helmet. Bret seemed a little disappointed about her outfit, but he said her gift giving skills are "way up there." Madam Natasha gave Bret a blow up doll that resembled her (presumably to keep him company when he's on the road. Not that he couldn't get a real airhead.) One of the girls noted that the blow up doll looked like more of a woman than Natasha did. Mindy gave Bret a plaster cast of her torso. Creepy. Melissa gave Bret a $2 bill that's been in her family "for years" that she wished upon to get on the show. Bret's disturbed that her only family heirloom is a $2 bill. Animal tamer Megan gave Bret a handful of stuffed animals. Bret reminded her that he was a rock star. Lame-o.

Brittanya wins the prize for the most gag-inducing gift - she gave Bret a piercing stud and told him he'd have to find where it goes. Knowing the level of class this show perpetuates from week to week, there's only one place the stud could possibly go (here's a hint - you can now serve cocktails from it!) I certainly hope she sterilized that thing. I can't imagine the Purel budget on this show. Taya, as always, is offended that these women are so lacking in class and then gives Bret framed photos from her first Penthouse shoot along with the lingerie she wore (briefly). Ahhh....Taya...our little contradiction.

After that trainwreck, Bret chooses three possible future Mrs. Michaels for an intimate date. The winners are Brittanya, Taya and Farrah. Brittaney was hurt that she wasn't chosen after she spent so much time on her vows. Back on the pink bus, the other girls took the opportunity to criticize Brittaney and her porn past. (There should be no stone throwing on either one pf these buses, really.) Brittaney felt "disrespcted" and started to cry. Ashley wasn't very sympathetic.

The buses pull up to the Indianapolis Fantasy Suites for what I can only assume is the "honeymoon." It can't get much better than this! It's one of those love hotels, with themed rooms such as an alien room, a Venetian room and a 50s diner room, complete with a pink Cadillac. Taya thought everything was "Crazy!" Big John assembles the whores for a faux reception. In keeping with the classy nature of the wedding, the reception was a tiki-themed backyard BBQ, with Big John as the busiest bartender ever. Marcia (not surprisingly) broke her earlier vow and told a bottle of Patron that it was "going down." To her credit, she abstained longer than I thought she would! Marcia and the rest of the ladies decided to give Bret lapdances. Sober Melissa insisted that there was no way she'd be lapdancing. Well, you know what they say - every party needs a pooper. Kelsey dances like a pro (there must not be much else to do in Utah.) Brittaney is appalled, but quickly changes her tune - running off to "step it up" in a skimpy bikini and faux tan. Ashley sees her and snidely remarked, "I didn't know they made bikins in size fat." Meow! Brittaney slithered all over Bret and said the other gals are jealous of her moves. Sure they are.

Back in the tacky hotel, Bret decides to play a little "Are you smarter than a rock star?" (I'm thinking no) to give the girls a chance to win all-access passes. Big John plays Regis and asks the gang how many months have 28 days in them (answer: all of them.) No one gets this right - not even Bret. I weep for our future. Taya manages to get a few questions right (she knows what a green room is and knew that Poison was started in Pennsylvania. But don't asj her to do any math.) Our big winners are Brittanya, Taya and Natasha (who, if I'm not mistaken, called Bret "Brad" when he gave her a pass.) Back in the pink girl's tacky love suite, the gals are trashing Britteney. Britteney returns and starts squabbling with Natasha, who she says only got a pass because she's black. Natasha counters, "You tan to get closer to my complexion!" Oh, snap! Brittaney then announces that her grandfather was black (and, according to Brit, he's "a beautiful black man.") Alrighty then. Brittaney went off to cry herself to sleep in the alien bed.

Bret's "future ex-wives" finally get their date with Bret. Farrah confesses she's not an outdoor person and hates bugs. As the ladies headed further and further into the heartland, the gals start to worry about what the date will entail. They arrive at a pumpkin patch for a romantic hayride - complete with a plethora of bugs. Bret cuts the ride short and enjoys an outdoor lunch with the gals. Taya volunteers that she enjoys the music of James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt (no mention of Poison or hard rock of any variety.) Brittanya doesn't want Taya to monopolize Bret's time and decides to use her pass for some uninterrupted alone time. Bret asks for hot sex a number of times. Farrah and Taya let them have a few minutes and return. Back at the ho-tel, Marcia decided to once again drink it up. Now she and Ashley are best buds because they share an affinity for tequila and hatred for Brittaney. Melissa decided to have a chat with Bret. She thinks he should send her home because she wants a monagamous relationship. She can't handle him chatting up and hanging out with groupies but manages to "sucks the lips off" Bret's face before she leaves the bus. Rock of Contradictions.  Marcia Brazilian drink angry drunk She's brutally honest Bret thinks she might want to "cut out the brutal part." They again make out and after Marcia leaves, Bret indulges in a "curiously strong mint" (I suppose he ate the entire tin.) Bret spends some time with Contstandina, who says she made a vow to abstain from sex for three years (well, just "all the way sex.") No all the way sex? That's a dealbreaker for our boy Bret. Crazy Brittaney is back. She prattles on and on but Bret's not having any of her drama and sends her off so he can prepare for elimination.

Three ladies are leaving tonight - and Bret distributes the passes. Brittanya gets called up first, followed by Taya, Natasha, Farrah, Ashley, Kelsey, Beverly, Maria. It's down to six girls and three passes. He calls down Brittaney, Marcia and Melissa. Despite that they have reputations as troublemakers, Bret decides to keep them around (because catfights and mentally disturbed ladies = ratings!) This, of course, means that the tour is over for Constandina, boring Samantha and animal trainer Megan. Next week, awful Lacey is back, the gals play "Baby Bret Hockey" and one lovely lady is told to "get the f**k out" by Bret because she insinuates that his hair isn't real! Who would ever say a thing like that?

Side note: Bret was on Opie and Anthony and said that Big John's Dad was sick. Hope he's feeling better soon, John!