Top Chef: "Today Show" - Episode 504

Well, as soon as Rocco DiSpirito showed up, at least we could determine that this episode wasn't going to be the usual brand of high-minded culinary twaffle that it usually is. Sure, Rocco's a douchebag of nearly the highest order, but being that he endorses frozen Italian dinners that come in a bag, at least the food wasn't going to be too out of reach. Don't even get me started on that nutbag Kathy Lee Gifford, either. More Top Chef after the jump...

 

Before we get started, I have to say that my favorite moment of Rocco's ill-fated reality show 'The Restaurant' came near the end of the season when he was chatting up two female customers, looked down at their chests, and said multiple times to both of their faces, 'Are those real? Hey, are those real?' Pure douchebaggery of that caliber and vintage doesn't come calling every day, you know. Anyway, on with the show.

 

Usually Rocco only shows up to provide Anthony Bourdain with more fuel for his impending ulcer, but for this episode, he was there to assist Princess Padma with the Quickfire challenge. Oh, and to schill his new book. Duh. As for the Quickfire, it consisted of putting together that tried and true Top Chef favorite, the one-bite appetizer known as an amuse-bouche. Ah yes, the amuse-bouche - you know it's important because it's in French. Rocco's challenge to the cheftestants was to create an amuse-bouche around the theme of breakfast, so with that and his ear-splitting suggestion to USE BACON YOU ASSHOLES! firmly in mind, they're off. 

 

Fabio goes entirely too Eurodouche for his own good and whips up some nauseating banana creme brulee' and a thick, white espresso shot that looks like he forced a giraffe to sneeze in a glass. For breakfast, no less. Do they not have Denny's in Italy? For shame. Stefan brings the noise by serving up some yummy-looking huevos rancheros in a hollowed-out egg shell (not exactly a one-bite amuse-bouche, but in this case, that's a good thing), Daniel crapped out some disgusting abomination of zucchini flowers and cornflakes and tried to pass it off as his dish, and Ariane makes my heart go pitter-pat with her french toast square soaked in chili maple syrup. Spicy maple syrup? May I have a gallon please? To go? Thank you.

 

In the end, though, it's Leah's open-faced bacon-and-quail-egg sandwich that takes the prize. Unfortunately, though, that prize is Rocco's new book. Oh, and immmunity, too. Did I mention Rocco's new book? I get a quarter every time I do.

 

Which brings us to the Elimination Challenge, a head-to-head battle for a guest spot on the Today show alongside such culinary giants as Kathy Lee Gifford and Meredith Viera. Let's get this out of the way right now - much like like whatever the hell it is Emeril does for an hour on television every day, this challenge had shit-all to do with actual cooking. No, the real backbone of this challenge was how good you could make yourself look on television, and I found it odd that the winner this time around turned out to be one of the nicest yet least-skilled cheftestants still hanging around. Getting a bit ahead of myself, however, so let's take a look at what actually went down.

 

Nothing too dificult here, really - create a dish that can be prepared within a 2 1/2-minute presentation on television that will be simple and delicious-looking enough for the housewives at home to appreciate. Should be simple, right? With 'should' being the operative word in that sentence, let us examine how some cheftestants managed to pull it off, and some proceeded to completely shit the bed. In order of their audition appearances with Rocco, Tom, Padma, and Gail - 

 

Ariane swings for the cheap seats by making a simple tomato and watermelon caprese salad that a trained monkey could put together right after it finished typing out 'Hamlet'. I heard that Michael Scott from 'The Office' paid Ariane $500 for her salad after the show was over.

 

Lone Team Rainbow survivor Jamie concocts a duck egg salad, and she totally blows it by not managing to cook her egg thoroughly before plating it. It looked tasty enough, but because the threat of contracting salmonella won't exactly play too well on television, I have no doubt she didn't even come close.

 

Alex falls into the 'never make dessert on Top Chef' trap by attempting a creme brulee', but it doesn't get nearly enough time to set and falls flat on its face. Besides, Padma quickly dismisses his entire effort with a smug comment about how much vanilla he planned on using, and that's ALWAYS a death knell. With how often she treats the cheftestants like misbehaving third-graders, I was surprised she didn't just give him a toy to play with and tell him to go sit in the corner.

 

Dildo Beach Club veteran Jeff brings out some vile shrimp dish rolled in lettuce or something, and because it's chock full of words that the housewives will undoubtedly dismiss as sounding entirely too faggy and French, he's out. Or at least he will be soon enough.

 

Fabio does well with his simple tuna dish, and he hits the nail on the head by saying that the other chefs are going entirely too high-end with this thing. The average person at home doesn't give a crap about all the fancy ingredients, they want something they can improvise on should they run out of something and be forced to instead use the contents of one of their kids' Lunchables. Besides, Fabio's utter uselessness with the English language serves him well because as we all know, Americans love kooky foreigners on television.

 

Daniel's ginger soy skirt steak looks delicious, but his obnoxious attempts at dropping every potential Emeril-esque catchphrase he can think of should be more than enough reason for him to not get the Today show gig. Ba-ba-booey! Hey now! Wacka! Shut up, Daniel.

 

Stefan's next, and he's out. Sure, his food was delicious and potentially worthy of a James Beard award, but because he doesn't carry himself well on television, yeah. Bye-bye.

 

Hosea's performance was unremarkable, but he used wasabi peas in his dish. Yum. Personally, I'd give him his own TV show on that fact alone.

 

Eugene made sashimi, but because we're short for time, he's out. Hey, it's nearly the end of the montage. No need to give everyone a fair shot at this, is there?

 

Melissa committed the biggest boner of the night by preparing habanero shrimp that made Tom spit his portion into the sink. The shrimp proceeded to burn a hole through the bottom of said sink, and is currently on its way down to China.

 

Carla ran over her two-minute alottment by depending too much on her Beaker impersonations and not nearly enough on her food.

 

Radhika? Same thing. I'm not even sure what she was trying to make, mostly because the cameraman seemed far more intent on showing off Padma's new boob job.

 

Leah ran into time issues as well, but hey - at least she was honest about it. Her claim of "I don't think I'll be doing any more live television" was met by Tom and Padma's condescending squawks telling her that she may 'have' to. Yes, because there's no other way in the world to make it as a chef besides endlessly whoring yourself out on television and writing 'cookbooks' that are usually little more than headshot collections with an oven in the background. Right, Tom? Rocco?

 

With that, the auditions come to a close, and two sets of three are selected. Ariane, Jeff, and Fabio come out on top, and Jamie, Melissa, and Alex on the bottom. No one is called before the judges' table just yet, though, as the winning dish of the challenge is going to be selected on the Today show the next morning. Tom rouses the top three finishers from their beds at 2:00 AM and drags their asses down to the set. I simply can't imagine how excited Richard would've been if he were still here and been a recipient of Tom's little wake-up call. Good thing, too, as I'm not sure Tom would've made it out of that room alive.

 

None of the chefs will be featured on the Today show in person, but their dishes most certainly will be. The dishes are numbered 1 to 3, and are lined up in a taste test for Meredith Viera, Kathy Lee Gifford, and whoever the hell the rest of those crazy hens are. Tom's already on set and feigning a few forced smiles for everyone (is Tom Colicchio the Dick Cheney of the cooking world, or what?), and with that, the tasting is underway. Ariane's tomato/watermelon salad is up first, and it's received rather well. Meredith doesn't care for watermelon too much, but since robots aren't capable of expressing joy towards pretty much anything, I'm not too surprised. Fabio's tuna with roasted carrot salad is next, and the ladies take to it like a zebra carcass in the Serengeti. Well done, Fabio. 

 

Jeff's shrimp/lettuce/whatever-the-hell-the-rest-of-that-shit-is dish is next, and it's Kathie Lee's time to shine. Look for this clip to show up on The Soup this week, folks. I'm calling it right now. The crazy bitch takes one bite of Jeff's dish and spits it into the sink. BOOM! I feel bad for Jeff, but put it this way - if you're going to have your food spat out into a sink on national television, it may as well be by Kathie Lee Gifford. That chick probably hasn't eaten anything except Botox and grapefruit since 1983.

 

In the end, the hens caucus and determine that Ariane's salad is the clear winner, what with it being the dish they had to think the least about and all. Apparently this means something in TV land, and if you don't believe me, go ask the people who used to have a job creating 'Pushing Daisies'. Ariane gets a prize of some tools from a tool (i.e. a bunch of cooking utensils from Rocco DiSpirito) and a live presentation on the Today show. Whoop-de-doo. Let's get to the good stuff - who got cut!

 

The somber music starts, and Melissa is the first to get roasted. Rocco and Padma pound her for going too spicy on her shrimp, and Jamie dodges a bullet by telling the judges how right they are about how much she sucks. Always a good way to go. In the end, though, it's Alex who gets the boot for his pathetic attempt at creme brulee' in a two-minute time period. He takes the walk of shame back to the chefs room, and then another one back home so he can completely throw in the towel by getting married. Ouch. 

 

LEFTOVERS - 

 

Am I mistaken, or does Jeff work in a restaurant called 'Dildo Beach'? Oh, sorry - it's 'Dilido Beach'. Bet he fits in there just fine. I wonder if he moonlights at 'Doucheibag Beach'.

 

Since when does Whole Foods allow anyone behind the counter to cut their own fish? What is this, some socialist We-The-People bullshit to ring in the touchy-feely reign of Obama? I can barely get the assholes at the meat counter in Whole Foods to look at me, let alone hand me an apron and a butcher knife.

 

Anyone catch Ariane on the Today show this morning? How many times did she mention that she's from Jersey?

 

Alex's boot couldn't have been more telegraphed, could it? He even got a big gay goodbye letter from big gay Richard. I liked Richard's letter, actually. It was very sweet, but what I loved most about it was the fact that Richard is just enough of a teenage girl to draw an arrow at the bottom of the first page of it, pointing towards the reverse side where his words continued. I bet he dotted his 'i' with a heart, too. Sweet, sweet Richard.

 

What the hell is this current trend of male reality show media whores macking on all my female reality show media whore girlfriends? That's got to be some brand of incest, right? First it's Dallas and Starr, now Hosea and Leah. Back off, dude! WTF kind of a name is Hosea, anyway? It sounds like a country-and-western dance.

 

Ya'll can just call me Dr. J for this episode, as I went 3 for 3 in calling all the winners and losers of each challenge. 3 for 3, son! BAH-BOOM!

 

Hey, everyone! Rocco's got a new book!

 

-littlebigmouth.