Survivor: Nothing Tastes Better Than Five Hundred Dollars (Episode 1710)

Holy moly. We'll get to the hows and whyfors later, but for now… just how badly do you have to treat people in order to get a guy like Bob, who makes his buffs into bowties and uses his time on Exile Island to go on his own little safari, and a girl like Sugar, who's such a softie she cries into her pineapple because she wishes she could share it with her hungry tribemates back at camp, to team up to not just get you voted out, but to humiliate you in the process, and then laugh about it? Pretty badly, it turns out.

Before we get to all that, though, let's recap the past few tribal councils, when Kenny and Crystal systematically wiped out Ace, Marcus, and Charlie, setting a precedent for getting former Kota members out on their keesters. And remember that both Bob and Sugar have Hidden Immunity Idols, but only Sugar's is real; Bob made his in art class at Camp Exile Island.

As Day 28 starts at Nobag (dumbest tribe name EVER. GOD.) with a conversation between Bob and Sugar, where he comes right out and tells her he made a fake idol when he couldn't find the real one. And he does this…why? I have to say I scratched my head over this one, except he does say, "I think it might fool someone, but I'm only going to tell you." So maybe he was already hatching a plan? He knows he can't save himself by using it, so the only chance is to get someone else to believe it's real. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, Corinne and Randy have gone off to have a little hatefest. Randy says, "I don't like any of these  people." Corinne agrees, and raises him: "I hate them." I think I can say with a high degree of certainty that the feeling is mutual, y'all. They know they have to get someone to flip-flop from the former Fang, and they see Matty as their best bet. No kidding -- Matty seems to follow whoever talked to him last, so they might just want to keep anyone else from talking to him.

Tree mail leads the tribe to the Annual Survivor Auction, where each tribe member has $500 to spend, with bidding in increments of $20. They're not allowed to share food or pool money. So who buys what? Randy gets beer and peanuts, then a big bowl of spaghetti, with garlic bread and a glass of wine. Kenny's covered-dish nets him the chance to send someone to Exile Island and take all their money, so off Bob goes, and Kenny's richer by $500. Sugar buys a covered dish that turns out to have chocolate bars and peanut butter -- pretty much the perfect prize, since it has both protein and sugar. Susie buys herself a hot bath and a clean set of her own clothes. Unfortunately, she has to take it then and there, and she's obviously uncomfortable getting nekkid in front of the others, because she's in and out in a flash. Randy offers $100 for the opportunity to bathe Susie, but since she's not a goddamn prostitute, she puts him in his place. Sugar says to Kenny, "You should've gone for that, Kenny; I'd have cuddled with you if you had clean clothes on." Kenny responds with, "Will you cuddle with a rich man?" HEE! Nice one, Kenny! A cheeseburger with fries and a soda get them all excited, but none moreso than Matty, who buys it for $400. Corinne drops all five of her c-notes on a clue that will give her an advantage in the next Immunity Challenge. And then there's one last covered dish, which Jeff says will be purchased "for the whole tribe" by the first person to bid $20. Randy jumps at it, and Jeff reveals a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

What a great chance for Randy to mend a few fences! He put down money on something good for the whole tribe, and he can earn back a few points, right? RIGHT? Uh, no. Instead, we get Cookiegate, where Randy, fueled by three beers and a glass of wine, decides the cookies are his to do with as he sees fit. He offers one to Sugar, but since she just ate what looked like a whole jar of peanut butter and a bunch of chocolate, she declines and says Matty can have hers. Randy snots, "It's not yours to give." He then offers Corinne a whole cookie…and half of the one he offered Sugar, which Corinne takes. He justifies this little bit of cookie oneupsmanship by saying, "They're MINE." He deigns to give Matty the other half of that cookie and passes the rest out. There's one cookie left on the plate, which he goes back and offers to Sugar again. She takes it…and hands it to Matty. But whose cookie was that? That was Randy's. Well. That was a pretty ballsy move by Sugar, who's had it up to here with Randy's attitude. Randy's less impressed: "Sugar can kiss my ass." He interviews later, "I left the auction broke, full, half drunk and pissed off. I'm gonna burn the house down."

Over a cookie.

Cookiegate continues back at camp, where Randy lets Matty know that he ate Randy's cookie, but Randy doesn't blame him -- he blames Sugar. Matty suggests that Randy drop the attitude, but Randy's not really in a place to hear it. Off to the side, Sugar says, "Have you ever seen a grown man get so mad over a chocolate chip cookie?" Randy tries to take the opportunity to sway Matty to team up with him, Corinne and Bob, which, given Matty's history of following whoever sounds even halfway convincing, is momentarily worrying. Fortunately, we learn pretty quickly that Matty's smart enough not to follow freakin' Randy. He goes to Susie, Crystal, Sugar and Ken, and tells them that Bob needs to go next, even though they all agree that Randy's a putz. Matty's quite insistent that the order needs to be Bob, Randy, then Corinne. I guess it's because Bob's good at challenges? And appealing? And might possibly have the Hidden Immunity Idol?

Things remain very tense in the Nobag (I can't seem to type that word without giggling) camp the next day. That's what having an flaming asshole around 24/7 will do. Randy tells Corinne, "I'm crashing and burning today." He's planning to make people miserable. And this is different from a normal day in what way? He tells Corinne his big plan hinges on Bob finding the idol, and then giving it to him, and then getting everyone to vote for Randy, so they can get rid of Susie, who Randy hates because she flipped over to Fang when she realized she was low woman on the totem pole at Kota. Wow. That's some plan, Randy. Corinne thinks it's brilliant and can't wait to play her part -- convincing Bob to cough up the idol.

The rest of Nobag (*giggle*) susses out at least the first part of the plan, since Randy's obnoxious behavior ascends to new heights, including telling Susie to "shut the fuck up" during yet another interminable discussion of Cookiegate. Again, there's "acceptable within the game," and then there's "unacceptable anywhere," and telling a woman to shut the fuck up? UNACCEPTABLE. Randy badmouths everybody, and even says to Matty (who, if you'll remember, Randy was supposed to be seducing to join his own alliance) that he's "whored himself out." OMG, y'all, the look on Matty's tired little face is priceless. He says, "Oh, my God, don't do this, dude."

I have to say, I don't really get Randy. It's like he's from some other planet. The seething rageaholic, trash-mouth, disrespecting thing hasn't gained him anything except the enmity of his tribemates, so if it's a game play, I'd have thought he'd have dropped it by now. Instead, he's choosing the scorched-earth scenario, leading even the relatively even-keeled Matty to say, "It's a no brainer that Randy's going home."

And what does Randy think? "I like where I'm sitting right now," he interviews, and I get an echo to a certain presidential candidate touting in mid-October, "We've got them right where we want them!" Randy thinks the other players are "freaking out" and paranoia will start to set in, but mostly he seems to be sending the Hillary supporters back to the fold.

The Immunity Challenge combines balance, speed, agility and spatial relations -- in other words, it's a really cool, unique challenge. I approve! First, each tribe member walks across a series of balance beams, carrying a bag of puzzle blocks with them. They repeat the process twice more, and the first two players to get all three puzzle bags to the end of the balance beams move on to the final round. During the final round, they'll need to stack their puzzle blocks like domino pieces along angled balance beams, while avoiding trip wires that could knock their blocks off. Remember the advantage clue Corinne bought at the auction? Well, it allows her to skip the first round and go straight to the finals. That's a pretty big advantage, and definitely worth more than beer and peanuts.

Matty and Kenny win the first round, and move on to compete against Corinne in the final. It's very, very close, with all three players getting their dominoes set up and ready to go at the same time. In the end, Matty and Corinne's domino chains falter before the end -- the spacing wasn't quite right -- while Kenny's goes all the way, nudges a ball into a cup, and raises his flag. Kenny wins Immunity! Good job, Kenster!

I checked the clock after the Immunity Challenge, and there was still, like, twenty plus minutes to go. Seriously, how long can it take to kick Randy to the curb? They've got the numbers: Matty, Crystal, Ken, Sugar and Susie over Randy, Corinne and Bob. It's not exactly higher math.

Ah. But simply voting Randy out isn't good enough. Let's make it worse, with Randy's cooperation and complicity! It's really a beautiful plan in the way it forces Randy to hoist himself on his own petard. Here it goes: Sugar goes to Bob, tells him she has his best interests at heart, and encourages him to find a way to give his Faux Idol to Randy. Bob understands that he can't use it himself, so this is the only way to get it to work. So then Corinne comes up to Bob and "persuades" him to do exactly the same thing -- give his Idol to Randy -- not knowing, of course, that it's FAKE. She tells him not to trust anyone but her and Randy, especially not Sugar. Oh, dear. Oh, my. This is…I can hardly watch.

So Bob goes along with the plan and shows Randy the idol. "It's your call; it's your Idol," Randy says, but Bob tells him he knows they're voting for Randy, so this way, the vote will rebound on Susie.

*rubs hands together*

"I saw it," Randy crows. "I'm thrilled he found the Idol, and I'm even more thrilled that he gave it to me." Then he says, "There's gonna be a lot of surprised people tonight." And no one will be more surprised than you, Randy. Can this really work? Really? Because that would be equal part awesome and horrifying. Okay, mostly awesome, but when you think that they don't have to do any of this Fake Idol crap to vote out Randy, it tells you a lot about the damage Randy's done over the course of thirty days.

Tribal Council brings yet another round of ugly Cookiegate recriminations. Susie says she feels sorry for Randy, which he finds insulting in the extreme. Aw, did poor Randy get his feelings hurt? It's like he has no understanding at all of how people perceive his actions. Jeff asks him how worried he is, and he says he hasn't been worried before, but he is now, and says, "I want to stay."

When it's time to vote, Corinne votes for Susie, saying, "Payback's a bitch." Nice. Randy also votes for Susie, saying, "This vote is not strategic; it's strictly personal." The venom these two spew is really ugly; disconcertingly ugly. When it's Crystal's turn, she talks loudly enough for the entire tribe to hear as she smacks Randy around a little, then flounces back to her seat. Um, that's not pretty, either, but I can't say I didn't enjoy it. Even Sugar gets out some pent-up anti-Randy sentiment, including an "L" for "Loser."

Once the votes are cast, Jeff says that now's the time to play a Hidden Immunity Idol, if anyone has one to play. Annnnnnnnnnd… Randy stands up, walks over to Jeff, and hands him the Idol that Bob made out of resin and beads and a string. Jeff unwraps it, looks at it, announces primly that it is NOT, in fact, a Hidden Immunity Idol, and throws it into the fire. OMG!!!! It worked! It worked! *squeal* He reads off three votes for Susie, and five for Randy, and *POOF* we are done with Randy.Finally. Randy, the tribe has spoken…"with a fist up your ass," says My Ever-Patient Mister.

Corinne sits in disbelief with her mouth set, while around her, the rest of the tribe is positively gleeful that they actually pulled it off. It was totally gratuitous. It didn't affect the votes; it was just an added rebuke. Retaliation. Randy goes to the Jury now (poor Charlie and Marcus!), but given his attitude, it's not like any of those former Fang members were counting on a Randy vote, you know? Only Bob might have cost himself Randy's vote, and that's a risk he seems content to take. I have to say, I found the whole thing immensely satisfying, so much so that I'm a little ashamed of myself.

There's no guarantee that when Randy watches the season from the comfort of his recliner, he'll see anything beyond his own victimhood. He may work up a ball of righteous indignation that we'll continue to see at the Reunion show. He may never accept the reaction of his tribemates for what it is: a repudiation of his bigotry, condescension, aggressiveness and ill temper.

I won't express sympathy for Randy since he's already said he finds that insulting, even though you'd have to have a harder heart than I do not to feel for a guy who sees his tribemates reading stacks of letters from loved ones back home while the bag for him remains empty.

In lieu of sympathy, Randy, here -- have a cookie: