If I had to summarize this week's episode of The Amazing Race in just four words, it would be simply this - 'Read your damn clue'. Honestly, how difficult is it for these people to realize that what lies inside those yellow envelopes needs to be treated as gospel? Read the clues, follow your instructions to the absolute last letter, find Phil, collect your check for a million bucks. It's honestly not that hard. Winning the Amazing Race might be Kazakhstani belly dancers, sheep ass stew, and dressing up like a cow, sure, but rocket science? Not even close. More Amazing Race after the jump...
Coming off a third straight first-place finish, Nick & Starr read and follow their clue (see how easy it is?) to the airport, where they attempt to grab tickets for the next flight to Almaty, Khazakstan. Wait... Khazakstan? You mean the Borat place? Yes, the Borat place, and if I stoop so low as to utilize a reference from that flick for the remainder of this recap, you're all allowed to punch me in the face. Nick & Starr arrive at the airport at almost the same time as second-place finishers Toni & Dallas, and while Nick & Toni bust their humps trying to get all four of them on the next flight out, Dallas spends his time trying to make points with my girl. Back off, Teen Wolf!
Starr and Dallas' chit-chat gets broken up by Toni's announcement that she's got them all a flight out that night at 11:50 PM. Ken & Tina arrive at the airport shortly afterward and grab the last seats on the 11:50 flight, as well. The next flight out isn't for a while, and it's a fight to the finish between Terence/Sarah and Andrew/Dan to see who will get seats on it. Terence & Sarah's ticket agent apparently hit the 'Enter' key faster than Dan & Andrew's, though, because in the end, Team Douchenozzle gets bumped back to a much later flight out of India with absolutely no one from the Race at all to keep them company. Hell, I think even their cameraman managed to get an earlier flight out.
Once in Kazakhstan, teams beat feet to the Alel Agro Chicken Factory and realize that the place is closed for the night. All the teams except the Douchenozzles have arrived, and it isn't until the next morning that the two frat boys arrive at the factory, mere minutes before the front gate is opened. There's a clue box a few hundred yards away from the gate, so everyone runs over each other trying to get to it. Andrew arrives at it first, but slippery little bastard Nick yanks a clue out of the box before anyone else even manages to get close. The clue reveals details of this Leg's first Roadblock, but in addition to that, teams also have the option of going for the second of two Fast Forwards. If you've forgotten what a Fast Forward is, it's a special task on the Race that, if completed, will allow only the first team to finish it a direct line to this Leg's Pit Stop. Most of the teams choose to forgo the Fast Forward, but Nick/Starr and Terence/Sarah decide to take a stab at it. Both teams jump in a taxi and speed towards a local Kazakhstan restaurant to take part in a traditional festival, i.e. eating the fat from a sheep's ass that has been made into a stew. Hey, when in Rome, er, Kazakhstan, right?
Nick & Starr arrive at the restaurant first and order the sheep's assfat stew dish that they're going to have to eat to win the Fast Forward, and Terence & Sarah aren't far behind. Starr's choking hers down and looking like she's about ready to vomit at any given moment (this episode confirmed it - I really could watch that woman do just about anything and still be attracted to her) and Nick's powering through his like he eats it every other week at Fuddrucker's, but as for Terence & Sarah, well... they're not doing so hot. Sarah's at least making a go of it, but as usual, Terence looks like he's about to cry. See, he's a vegetarian (of course he is), and he claims that every bit of food around him on the table is starting to make him sick. After a while, Terence convinces Sarah that he's just not going to be able to do this, so the two of them leave and make their way back to the Roadblock at the chicken factory. HURRAY. This leaves Nick & Starr to calmly finish the rest of their meal while a six-pack of some seriously hot Khazakhstani belly dancers undulate all around them. My eyes are going to have to go to the dentist soon if they don't stop eating all this eye candy. Starr even had on my favorite camouflage boobie shirt/headband ensemble, for chrissakes. Holy sheep's ass, Batman!
The two finish their sheep ass, grab their clue, hightail it to the Pit Stop, and grab an unprecedented fourth consecutive first-place finish for their efforts. Once again, HURRAY. In addition to their win, Nick & Starr pick up a pair of Wave Runners to enjoy after the Race. Wow, that's great! How wonderful for them. What's a Wave Runner?
Back at the Roadblock, teams were made to put on coveralls and face masks and walk around the enormous chicken coop in search for one of seven gold-painted eggs. Toni, Tina, & Andrew all searched the room for what really didn't seem like that much time at all before they each found one and traded it in for a clue to their next location. From the chicken factory, all teams were to travel in a seriously kick-ass giant crane truck to the Koktobe Arch at the foot of the Tienshan Mountains. Man, those trucks were cool. Kinda like giant Tonka toys, except real and not just in that recurring dream I keep having.
Toni & Dallas were the first out of the gate and into a Tonka truck, with Ken/Tina and Andrew/Dan close behind. When they arrived at the Arch, they were instructed to follow a path up the mountainside and be greeted by a traditionally-dressed Mongol warrior. Checking out the guy's unbelievably ornate armor and dress was cool enough, but when his friend up the path let loose the giant eagle he had perched on his arm to fly over to them and present the next clue, now THAT was some great stuff. The airmailed clue was this Leg's Detour, and its two options were as follows.
Play Like Mad, in which teams would learn to play traditional Khazakh musical instruments and walk around town collecting tips for their performance of a short song. After the equivalent of $1.50 was collected, the next clue would be presented. In Act Like Fools, teams traveled by taxi to the wardrobe department of a local puppet theater, don a kick-ass two-person cow costume, and do the Holstein shuffle to a milk stand across town. Once there, they'd drink a glass of milk, find out where to proceed to next printed on the bottom of the glass (a butcher shop stand at a local marketplace called Zelyoniy Bazaar), and from there, pick up their next clue.
Surprising as it may be (or not), not a single team picked the musical instruments task. Hell, I wouldn't have, either. Toni & Dallas kept their sizeable second place status in place as they put their cow costume on and started to make their way across the crowded town plaza in search of the milk stand. Did the boots they were made to wear as part of the costume remind anyone else of the movie 'Top Secret'? You should be ashamed of yourself if it didn't. Anyway, Andrew & Dan stumbled upon their trademark spot of bad luck right around this point as their Tonka truck driver got lost en route to the Arch and pretty much stranded them in the middle of town. They couldn't find anyone who spoke English to give them directions, either, so all they could really do was sit there and get more and more pissed off at anyone and everyone around them. 'These are horrible people!' exclaimed Dan in his frustration. Yeah, how dare they not speak English in their own non-English-speaking country! Bastards!
Meanwhile, Terence & Sarah had just shown up at the chicken factory after their unsuccessful run at the Fast Forward. Sarah found an egg fairly quickly after conquering a few communication problems (why is this chick so timid when it comes to talking to birds?), and off they went to put a cow costume on and walk through town. Ken & Tina made quick work of the bovine stroll, but after Tina slugged down a tall glass of milk, she forgot to get the damn instructions off the bottom of the glass telling her where to go next. Toni & Dallas found this clue right away and proceeded on to the bazaar, but even after Ken & Tina READ THEIR DAMN CLUE (see?) and discovered what their problem was, they still managed to screw it up. They walked back to the puppet theater, dropped off their cow costume, and then went to the butcher stand at the bazaar for their clue. Sorry, kids, no clue for you. The two of them had to go all the way back to the theater from the bazaar, put the costume back on, and then re-trace their steps to the bazaar. This allowed Toni & Dallas more than enough time to follow their collected clue to the Pit Stop, where they picked up a well-deserved second place finish. Once Ken & Tina pulled their cow's head out of their cow's ass and completed this Leg as instructed, they managed to stroll once again into third.
Andrew & Dan finally arrived at the puppet theater and made their costumed way slowly across town. Why the hell they chose to leave their shoes behind after they changed into the cow costume is beyond me, but hey - it's Andrew & Dan we're talking about here. Of course they got lost and had to bribe a local to help them get where they were going, but at this point, I'm surprised they didn't end up falling into a river and drowning or something. Those guys have the worst luck I've ever seen. With Terence & Sarah not too far behind them, the Douchenozzles arrived at the butcher stall, received their next clue, and proceeded to ignore it entirely as they grabbed a cab to the Pit Stop. They sauntered onto Phil's mat in fourth place, but being that they didn't read the part of the clue instructing them to make their way to the Pit Stop on foot, they had to go back to the bazaar and then re-trace their steps back to Phil. The two doofuses (doofi?) had trouble finding a cab back to the market and then got lost on their way back to Phil, but still managed to stay four hooves ahead of Terence & Sarah and claimed a hard-won fourth place.
As I stated last week, I was really hoping for the plucky Sarah to successfully drag her albatross of a boyfriend into the finals in a few weeks, but thanks to his bad decision of trying for the Fast Forward, this season's answer to Zach and Flo finally ran out of luck and wound up getting eliminated. Sorry, Sarah. If by any chance you get a callback for the next round of All-Stars, give me a buzz. I promise to only make you blow on my boo-boos to make them feel better after the Race is over and done.
Techs and specs for the geeks -
Performed Roadblock: SARAH, TONI, ANDREW, TINA
Detour:
Play Like Mad: No teams opted for this Detour path
Act Like Fools: TONI/DALLAS, ANDREW/DAN, TERENCE/SARAH, KEN/TINA
Fast Forward #2: NICK/STARR
Order of Finish:
1. Nick & Starr (Fourth consecutive first-place finish, a pair of Wave Runners, a year's subscription to Kazakhstan Belly Dance magazine)
2. Toni & Dallas
3. Ken & Tina
4. Andrew & Dan
5. Terence & Sarah (Eliminated)
On to the Final Four! I'm predicting the last of the Non-Elimination Legs to take place next week, but on the other hand, a Final Three non-elim has happened before. With any luck, Ken & Tina will be eliminated next, leaving the all-but-useless Douchenozzles to completely fall apart under the stress of the Final Three leg. If there are any two teams who deserve to go head-to-head for the million dollar prize, it's Nick & Starr and Toni & Dallas. If I'm correct and that happens, it's gonna be one hell of a finale. Is nice!
-littlebigmouth.
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