Survivor: He's A Snake, But He's My Snake (Episode 1706)

"It's the Goof Troop; it's ridiculous." -- Matty, talking about Fang.

After letting GC dictate his own ouster, the remaining sad sacks on the Fang tribe try to pretend their morale is up. They also pretend they're sad that GC is gone. Ace wonders who he can lure into an alliance with him and Sugar, who he then plans to betray with impunity. What kind of sap would fall for that? Matty, apparently, who I'm afraid may have had some of his awesome rubbed right off him by extended exposure to the Nincompoop Brigade currently wearing red buffs.

Matty interviews that he knows he's in a bad spot, and he's open to offers…and along comes Ace with an offer. I don't have a problem with that -- the whole game's about who can con who into believing in them for whatever reason for whatever period of time, but when they start off by choosing who to "save" -- Kenny for Matty and Sugar for Ace -- and then each swear on some living person's life to stick to the plan, well, I have to admit, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Ace is about as sincere as a dust bunny, and dear earnest Matty seems to confuse real life with game life. He swears on his girlfriend's life that he'll stick to the promise, saying "My girl's my everthing." Um, that's great, Matty. Win one for the gipper, I get it. But to say she's the reason he's out there doing this, and then make a play based on an oath about her life that may or may not prove to be his downfall…well, let's just say I'd hoped he was smarter than that, and I think if he were on Kota, this kind of shit wouldn't have come up. Matty seems to genuinely believe he's looking out for someone besides himself, that his honorable oath is more important than winning the game for the person whose life he just swore that oath on. Do you see the circle there? Maybe he's just hungry.

Day 16 finds the members of Kota standing around watching Dan put away truly astonishing quantities of food. He seems to be out-eating the rest of them about three to one. Corinne's feeling pretty indignant about that, and I can't really blame her. Fire may represent life on Survivor, but food's their daily bread. Wait, that didn't come out right. Dan seems totally oblivious to the undercurrents. Hey, at least they've got food to gorge on -- they've still got beans, corn, rice, and that magical herb garden they won last week. Fang, on the other hand, probably has about six days of rice left, and nothing else. They don't seem to have caught any fish or bugs or worms, or protein of any sort. They really are sort of pitiful. Ace snugs himself up to Sugar in the hut and whispers that he's ninety percent sure they know she has the idol because he's sure they searched her bag. Sugar, in what might be the most bone-headed move since Todd gave his idol to James, gives Ace the idol she found, saying if she's not going to use it, he might as well have it. O.M.G. Somebody tell me she's not this dumb. Please. Anybody?

At the Reward Challenge, Randy thumbs-ups the news of GC's departure. Real classy, dude. The challenge involves two 20-foot long, 200-pound snakes, which tribe members will be tethered to while they run around a track trying to catch each other. If a tribe member gets tired, he or she can drop out of the challenge, but that distributes the remaining weight to a smaller number of players. Whoever catches the other tribe first wins a plateful of pastries and some coffee. Is Survivor feeling a budgetary pinch? The rewards have felt mighty paltry this year. I'm still shaking my head over that freakin' herb garden. Because Kota has one extra player, Corinne sits this one out.

As could probably be predicted by the sheer physicality of the challenge, since there's not much mental acuity involved in running around a track with a 200-pound snake strapped to your wrist, the dainty womenfolk, including Kenny, drop out first. The men of Kota, with Marcus at the lead, keep the pace up after Susie drops out. After Crystal drops out (it's looking more and more like whatever training she had that helped her perform with such distinction at the Olympics hasn't translated to the Survivor environment), Ace and Matty are the only players carrying for Fang, and they're easily outpaced by the five men of Kota. Kota wins. Again. As the Kota tribe tucks into its bounty, Kelly whines, "Can you share?" Randy sneers, "Um…NO." As they continue to stand around after the challenge, Crystal cries tears of frustration, leading Randy to openly jeer at her. God, he's such a dick. An unrepentant, unrelieved dick. Has he not seen Courage Under Fire? Does he not know that sometimes women just cry? Randy says, "I love watching them lose," while Crystal calls him "the troll under the bridge." I'd love to see Crystal drop-kick Randy into next week -- she could do it, too, once she gets a burger and fries in her.

Kota sends Sugar once again to Exile Island, but the Sugar Shack no longer holds any allure for her. I do wonder why, now that she's handed Ace her idol, she doesn't choose Clue over Comfort and see if she can't find herself another idol to keep in her back pocket. Instead, she cuddles up with a pineapple and cries over how guilty she feels because she has food to eat and the remaining members of the tribe are going hungry at camp. I think we can now say with some degree of certainty that once people pass that two-week mark in the game, especially when they're not getting enough protein, they LOSE THEIR MINDS.

The Fang tribe members are, to a person, making poor decisions, concentrating on the wrong things, and allowing the emotions of each moment to cloud their judgment. Gosh, that seems eerily familiar…I'm getting some kind of resonance off that…what does it remind me of? Never mind, I'm sure I'll think of it eventually.

Back at camp, Matty suggests getting the canteens filled and the daily chores done while it's cool. Crystal can't begin to understand that concept, then goes off on a rant about how her tears aren't a sign of weakness. Maybe not, darlin', but melting down trying to convince people of that kind of negates your argument.

Meanwhile, Kota's at their camp chowing down on fruit tarts and croissants and getting a little caffeine in their systems. Now they'll be invincible! And I'm not just saying that because I know what happens for the rest of the episode! Think about how happy sugar and caffeine make you every day. Now multiply that by sixteen days and you can see why Kota's feeling so perky. Dan again shows his zero social awareness by suggesting that in addition to eating the reward (which they've divided equally among the tribe), they go ahead and make dinner, too, because he "might get hungry later." Oh, we wouldn't want you to get hungry, Dan. Not on Survivor. Then Marcus and Bob catch a big fat meaty turtle, so everybody's well-fed, even Dan. Remember that season when the producers gave one camp everything and the other had nothing, and how boring it was to watch one tribe wither before our eyes while the other feasted? This is kind of like that, only the producers didn't do it -- one tribe is just flat-out better than the other, and the more challenges they win, the more challenges they're likely to win, since they're better fed, and consequently stronger.

What does Kota have that Fang doesn't? Quiet leadership from Bob and Marcus. Genuine friendship between Marcus and Charlie. A solid alliance between Marcus, Charlie, Corinne, and probably Bob. What does Kota have? Basically, Kota has Bob and Marcus.

The Immunity Challenge brings with it the reappearance of the Sticks-of-Death that featured so prominently in the Fans & Favorites season. Tribes are divided into three pairs of two. Each pair is roped together to travel under a cargo net, then through a Sticks-of-Death obstacle to collect two sections of a flagpole. Each round adds additional Sticks-of-Death, making the challenge harder. The first tribe to assemble its flagpole wins Immunity. Susie's the extra Kota sitting this one out. The division into pairs works pretty well: Bob and Randy go up against Kelly and Sugar. The men are slower going out, but the weight of the flag pole sections really hinders the women on their way back to the mat, with Kelly, especially, dragging at the end, so Kota starts off in good shape. Corinne and Charlie go next, against Ace and Crystal. The added obstacles slows both tribes down, but Ace and Crystal catch up at the cargo net, and the race is very close as the final pairs -- Marcus and Dan for Kota, and Matty and Ken for Fang -- head out. It's neck and neck throughout. Matty's working his tail off, trying to catch up, and basically tugs Kenny along behind him. Matty beats the Sticks-of-Death by climbing on top of them instead of trying to maneuver through them, a tactic that gains him a lot of momentum, and one that Marcus and Dan copy on the final leg back. They're tied at the cargo net, and I'm convinced Jeff Probst gets a challenge-induced woody watching these guys giving their all in a dead heat to the mat.

They cross at the same time, basically, and then both tribes start working on  assembling the flag pole, which is essentially a puzzle, since the pieces will only fit together one way. While Ace huffs and puffs at Crystal to get out of his way, then labors for an interminable amount of time trying to work an obviously wrong piece of the flagpole into the base (I'm telling you, they're LOSING THEIR MINDS), Kota works together, slaps that sucker into place and….wins. AGAIN.

Jeff congratulates Kota, then looks at Fang like they're covered in elephant dung. He reminds them they'll be coming to Tribal Council and says, "If you continue to play like individuals, you'll be there every time." So who will Fang vote out? Will they break up the strong Sugar-Ace alliance? As Crystal notes, Ace is touted as this strong competitor, but he hasn't exactly helped, now, has he? "How's he benefiting me?" she asks.

Ace, though, is down on Kelly. Matty suggests flushing out the idol, but Ace says no, and Matty backs down. Come on, Matty, I know you're better than this! Please be better than this! Then Crystal tells Matty she wants Ace out, but Matty's like, "Well, but Ace said no! So…no!" I'm very frustrated with all this. I think I might cry. Ken tells Matty he can't trust Ace, but Matty, well, Matty's LOSING HIS MIND, so Ken goes to Sugar to see how she's feeling about Ace. How's she feeling? Well, she gave him the fucking idol, how do you think she's feeling, Ken? Ken's suitably agog at that news, and basically tells Sugar to go get it the hell back. Which she does! Which of course only proves that Sugar's just as willing to cave to the demands of others as Matty, but still. She goes and gets the idol out of Ace's pocket, then goes to find him and tell him, so he knows. Ace is a mite perturbed, and wonders if Sugar's finally realizing she doesn't need his bald ass. We can only hope, Ace!

As a tribe, Fang has yet to do anything in its own self-interest, so why start now? As the tribe files into Tribal Council, Jeff is thin-lipped with contempt. Losers are such…losers! He reminds them that they've lost eight of ten challenges, then leads Kelly, Crystal and Ace into a really ugly, belligerent sniping match. Kelly has the self-defense skills of a premature kitten, taking on both Crystal and Ace and not doing herself any favors in the process. Matty admits, "There's no sort of semblance or logic on this tribe." Matty, there's no sort of semblance or logic in that sentence, either. Eat some grubs, bud! You're fading fast!

There's no pleasure at all in reporting that Kelly got the boot. She voted for Crystal on her way out, probably because she cried. I wish Fang would win something, so I could get to see more of Kota (and they could vote off Randy)! This whole lose-lose-lose thing is wearing me out! Get it together, people!