Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - Goodbye To All That (Episode 205)

Don't mess with the girlsAttention, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles fans.  The following recap, unlike the episode that inspired it, will not be sponsored by the 2009 Dodge Ram.  Apparently Dodge didn’t think it’s already painfully obvious attempt at product placement was working, so they decided to get a lot little more blatant about it.  They might as well add a tagline reading “BUY A DODGE RAM RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL BE TERMINATED” to the opening credits.  I think it might be time to invent a drinking game.  Take a shot every time Dodge’s giant, gas-guzzling behemoth of an unnecessary truck takes up more than ¾ of the TV screen!  Dude, we’d all be frakkin’ plastered before the night was over.

We cut away from the Dodge Ram for a moment to see a hapless bald man named Martin Bedell get terminated.  This particularly nasty T888 model is approximately 9 feet tall and resembles a cracked-out soccer hooligan.  Poor Martin’s messy death makes the paper, and Derek’s concerned.  In the future, Martin Bedell is one of John Connor’s most important assets; a soldier with real military training who helps John put the resistance together.  Fortunately, the Terminator killed the wrong Martin… this time around.  He won’t stop until he’s wiped out every Martin Bedell in the greater LA area.  John locates two other men with the same name in the phone book, but Derek remembers the words smeared in blood by the resistance fighter in the basement.  He wrote “P Alto,” which is a military prep school.  Martin Bedell must be at the school.  He and John formulate a plan to protect Bedell.  For her part, Sarah announces that two other Sarah Connors were murdered before the machines located her.  She and Cameron will keep that from happening again; they’re going to protect the other Martin Bedell.  

The boys load their product placementmobile... take a shot!  It’s so shiny!  And what spacious storage areas!  Hey, way to zoom in on that GPS!  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I find it extraordinarily ironic to watch Derek (who has spent his entire adult life fighting machines) relying on a goddamned Garmin.  As product placements go, this one really could’ve been thought through better.  Anyhoo, they pull up to the military school.  As he watches young men training, Derek has a flashback (or is it flashforward?) to a bunker, post-Judgment Day.  We see Martin Bedell for the first time, badassly giving orders to Derek and his brother Kyle.  In the present, Derek, posing as a Lieutenant in the US Army, speaks to the Director and enrolls his nephew John.  But… surprise!  To further the plot the Director asks Derek if he’d like a teaching job!  Yeah, it’s a fantastic idea to hire this dude who just walked in off the street, simply because he’s wearing fatigues and says he’s in the army.  That’s just as good as a background check, right?

Back in LA, a little boy hears a knock at the front door.  He peeks out the peephole and comes eye to eye with Soccer Hooligan Terminator.  Crap!  “Martin Bedell?” intones the Terminator through the closed door.  “Yes?” replies the kid.  And suddenly, Sarah grabs him from behind and yanks him away, just as the Terminator shoots straight through the door!  Sarah ushers little Marty Bedell out the back, and they dive into a getaway car, piloted by Cameron.  The Terminator is right behind, yanking the top off the car like it’s the lid of a can of peanuts.  Sarah pumps him full of buckshot and he goes flying as they screech away.  The panicky kid wants to know who the eff that was.  “He’s a cyborg sent to kill you,” intones Cameron.  “Put on your seatbelt,” adds Mom!Sarah.  Hee!  The ladies take Marty back to their casa, where they can protect him.  Poor little Marty’s all upset, and he makes a move for the phone.  Cameron lifts him bodily by his shirt collar and proclaims, “If you call your mom, he will use her to find you, and he will kill her.”  Sarah makes a disapproving noise from the sidelines, whereupon Cameron belatedly adds, “Would you like a bedtime story?”  Hee!  Classic Cameron!

No-longer-FBI-Agent Ellison is given his first assignment by his redheaded Terminator boss: investigate the near-meltdown at Serrano Point “nukular” power plant.  Cringe.  Somebody, please, correct Ellison’s pronunciation before my eardrums run away screaming into the night.  Ellison heads over to Serrano, where he interviews the none-too-bright head of the plant.  Security tapes have disappeared, along with the Superman-esque mystery janitor who closed the broken valve.  The Nuclear Regulatory Committee is investigating, but hopefully within the year, an automated monitoring system will be implemented.  

John schoolz his fellow recruits on how to fix a jammed gun.  See now, this is the type of place where John Connor belongs.  He’s learning stuff, and he’s behaving like a capable, upstanding kid.  Not like when he’s slouching around home, giving his mother the stinkeye.  Suddenly… up walks Martin Bedell, a.k.a. Cadet Captain Hardass.  He’s all military planes and angles, even at the tender age of 17.  Bedell and John go for a run and stumble upon Derek surveying the tactical layout of the surrounding woods.  He cautions them not to step in the La Brea tar that’s v.v. conveniently bubbling up out of the ground.  Gee, I wonder if that will figure prominently in the plot later in the episode?  Derek gets a good look at Martin Bedell and does a double take.  “Bedell,” he says.  “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Later, Derek the “teacher” awkwardly attempts to engage a class full of teenagers.  I’m pretty sure his only saving grace is that this is a military school, and therefore these kids will have to do pushups and scrub toilets with their toothbrushes if they shoot spitwads at him.  One of them wants to know about the action he’s seen in the war.  Derek’s not pleased that the wet-behind-the-ears kid would talk about “counting kills” like it’s a game.  He decides to tell a story about a soldier who got a stomach wound and spent six hours holding in his own guts.  This “game” the kid is talking about is played for the lives of the whole human race, dammit!  Yeah.  Dead Poet’s Society this ain’t.  Later, John and Martin eat lunch, and Martin says that every man in his family has done something amazing.  They all went to this school.  Martin’s favorite thing to do is the cross country course.  When he runs it, sometimes he wishes he could keep going and never come back.  In fact, he has a girlfriend, and he sorta wants to run away with her.  See, now, that could be a lil’ problem for John’s resistance.  

When the T888 comes looking for Bedell, he’ll likely come through the woods.  John tells Derek that Bedell might be quitting school, but Derek’s all, “Nope.” Bedell is destined to go to West Point.  The idea that his new pal’s future is set – that he doesn’t have a choice in the matter – upsets John.  “He does have a choice,” Derek clarifies.  “Help him make the right one.”  They set some explosive charges out in the woods, in order to blow the everloving crap out of the T888 when it shows up.  They’re also armed with a scary-looking gun which, when loaded with the proper bullet, could take down Gozilla, Mothra, and that Tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park in one fell swoop.

Back at the Connor residence, lil’ Marty Bedell’s mother makes an appearance on TV, begging for her son’s “kidnappers” to return him.  Lady, if you only knew what was really going on here, you’d be encouraging your kid to stay the hell away from home.  Besides missing his family, Marty’s worried because he has a book report due Monday.  He kinda freaks out a little bit, and Sarah reassures in her best momly manner (which isn’t really all that comforting, btw) that they’ll find him a book here in the house.  They pick through the owners’ selection, and come across The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  Sarah comments that it was John’s favorite book.  This causes Marty to wonder who John is, and me to wonder what happened to Sarah’s voiceovers.  Cheesy as they were, they added an interesting angle to every episode, and made me think.  The writers seem to have given up that particular plot device this season.  

Ellison visits the dive bar where Sarah hung out with Carl Greenway. The bartender mentions the fact that Carl was chatted up by a hottie the day before the plant melted down.  In fact, there was a birthday party that night, and pictures of it are posted on the wall.  Ellison takes a look… and spots a picture of Sarah.  Ellison:  “Eeeenteresting.”  Back in Catherine the Terminator’s office (which features a fish tank with an appropriately slimy eel swimming around) Ellison says he’s pretty sure two Terminators were fighting over the valve when the plant melted down.  So where did they come from, and why were they fighting?  Catherine doesn’t know, but she realizes that an investigation will complicate their mission.  Say, about that mission… what is it, exactly?  Well, Catherine wants her company to lead the world into the next century.  And as for Ellison?  She sees him as some sort of avenging angel.  Kay, so here’s the problem: these two goals do not mesh.  I wonder why Catherine wants Ellison to work for her?  Maybe to keep her enemies close?  Later that night, the plant Director heads over to the dive bar, where he’s flirted with by a sexy brunette.  Uh oh.  “Sexy” on this show is usually a synonym for “Terminator.”  The plant Director can’t believe his luck… that is, until his date’s head turns into shiny liquid metal, and slithers down his throat, gagging him until he dies.  It’s Catherine!  She just offed the plant Director!  This chick is leaving a swath of corpses in her path.  At least this time she was posing as a woman and not a toilet.

Sarah makes Marty a PB&J, and promises again that the Terminator won’t be find him.  Even the kid can see that something else’s bothering Sarah.  He may miss his mom, but he knows that Sarah saved his life.  And he thanks her for it.  Whereupon… Sarah says nothing.  Guess she’s so used to John’s surly behavior that she’s not used to being thanked!  Marty, however, is a polite kid and demands a “you’re welcome.”  Hee!  He would also like some help with his book report, thankyouverymuch.  He cuddles up next to a hesitant Sarah on the couch, and it’s her turn to say thank you.  For his letting her play mom, I would assume.  Poor Sarah.  She’s always so guarded and on edge.  I think it’s probably interfered with her ability to be a snuggly mother.  She has to be prickly in order to keep her kid safe, but she’s lost out on the warm fuzzies because of it.  
Meanwhile, Derek’s prepping his platoon o’ teenagers for an “exercise” in the woods.  He announces that a soccer hooligan-esque dude with a gun will be coming up the path.  They’re to send up a hand signal when they see him.  Derek positions the kids along the path and takes Bedell and John up to a vantage point where they’ll be able to take out the Terminator.  As Sarah and Marty are read The Wizard of Oz aloud (yay, some semblance of a voiceover!), the camera pans over the darkened forest path.  Soccer Hooligan Terminator shows up right on time, stomping along and scanning the faces of the astonished cadets, who frantically give every hand signal known to mankind.  Derek fires his magic bullet, and nails the T888 right through his metal eye.  Ouch!  But that’s not enough to take this baddie out.  He shakes it off and runs after Derek, who leads him into the minefield they rigged.  John detonates the charges, which knock the Terminator down for a moment.  But again, it stands up, its metal skull exposed grotesquely.  And it zeroes in directly on Martin Bedell, target numero uno.  Martin stumbles away, unable to believe his eyes as the Terminator advances.  But suddenly, John stands up and starts yelling.  “Yoo-hoo! (okay, maybe he didn’t actually say “yoo-hoo”) It’s me, John Connor!”  The T888 whips around and immediately changes its plan, headed straight for John.  

Marty gets upset when the wicked witch goes after Dorothy in the story.  He leans into Sarah as John runs from the Terminator.  John flees past a pit of La Brea tar, and Derek pops up and once again blasts the T888 with his enormous rifle.  It falls into the tar, and those resourceful boys throw a Molotov cocktail at it.  As Sarah reads about Dorothy melting the wicked witch, Soccer Hooligan Terminator burns down into the tar pit.  With the wicked witch Terminator dead, the guys regroup (including Bedell, who’s white as a sheet), and little Marty sleeps with his head on Sarah’s lap.  Aww.

Later, Sarah takes Marty (complete with finished book report! Way to be a responsible kidnapper, Sarah) to a bus stop, and gives him cash for a ticket home.  She also passes along her phone number, and tells him that if he gets in trouble, he should call her and say “book report.”  She’ll come, no matter what.  “Are you a spy?” asks Marty.  Sarah: “No.”  “Are you a mom?” guesses the kid.  The reply: “Yeah.”  Well, in Marty’s humble opinion, “You kind of suck at it.”  Snerk!  To Sarah’s credit, she knows this, and she proclaims that she’s working on it.  Hey man… sometimes that’s all you can do, y’know?  

John and Derek have told Martin Bedell the truth, and he knows he’s supposed to go to West Point.  The guys pack up their product placementmobile and John tells Bedell he’ll see him around.  As they roll down the road, Derek tells John what will happen to Martin Bedell.  In an effort to save Kyle and a busload of human prisoners, Martin will run through a field of debris to plant an explosive device on a Terminator transport.  The resistance will rescue forty prisoners that day… and one of them will be John Connor.  Bt nobody can outrun a blast like that.  And Martin Bedell will be killed.  “He died,” Derek says solemnly.  “He died for you. We all die for you.”  

But hey, John… no pressure or anything.