Chuck: Chuck Versus the Seduction (Episode 202)

Handler and Handled Outside the Buy More, Casey tells Chuck that with Director Graham having been blown into a million little pieces, he should get used to the idea of dragging his ass into the store every day, where he will more than likely have to put up with bad staff meetings lead by Lester and his mullet, neither of which are as adept as Chuck at managerial details. As they leave the meeting together, Chuck asks Morgan if he remembers when Chuck had potential. Morgan reassures him that they all know he’s destined for great things, but until that day, at least he gets to go home to “that.” That being Sarah in her Orange Orange outfit and two-toned Chucks (Converse, not the nerd), entering to the smooth sounds of Huey Lewis and the News. Chuck, hypnotized by his imagined vision of Sarah crawling toward him all 80’s video style, complete with manufactured wind in her hair, leans in with puckered lips. Sarah receives him with a more-friendly-than-just-polite-kiss. Chuck asks the nature of said liplock, and Sarah hisses that it’s a “we have a national security emergency and I need to speak to you privately” kiss. Romantic.

At Orange Orange, Chuck suggests blowing off espionage and heading to Mexico. Sarah says it’s unprofessional for them to be together; when Chuck reminds her about her affair with Bryce, she tells him that the difference is Chuck is an asset, and her job is to protect him. She’s led the way to the freezer, where she punches some codes, gets a retinal scan, and leads Chuck into a veritable bunker/command center. Casey’s already there, pleased that they’ve got real spy stuff now. Chuck asks if this means Casey and Sarah are sticking around. Via satellite, General Beckman says that depends on Chuck. Colt gave them a Trojan horse Cipher, which means the real one’s out there somewhere; they think former KBG agent Sasha Banacheck has it, and she’s going to sell it. That’s her cover name, because her real name? Julie. Effing. Cooper.

Casey thinks they should just go after her, like anything’s ever that easy with JC. The general says as much: “Sasha” spent 7 years in a Bulgarian prison, and she’s one bad bad-evil person with lots of punching and knifing and making people bleed. Only one agent’s ever gotten close to her, and he’s the one who put her away. His name is Roan Montgomery. “Crap,” Casey grunts. Turns out Roan hates him; he was Casey’s superior at operative training and failed him twice. General B tells them he’s off the grid, so they need to use the Intersect to find him. Chuck says thanks, but no thanks: he’s done putting his life in danger, he’s taking his toys back to the Buy More and not playing anymore.

He leaves, and General B asks why Chuck is PMSing. Sarah says everything’s under control. She follows him, but Chuck says she’s right. He’s not a spy and he’s not cut out for it. Sarah says that the sooner they get the Cipher back, the sooner they can un-intersect his head so that he can live the life he wants with whoever he chooses. Chuck asks what she means by that. Sarah says he can have everything he always wanted. Looking painfully hopeful, Chuck sighs and asks for the file. Inside is a photo of <strike>John Larroquette</strike> Roan Montgomery, who Chuck immediately flashes on and who lives his life Heff-style with lots of ladies, lots of sun, and plenty of hair product. Chuck tells Sarah that Montgomery’s in Palm Springs.

Our intrepid heroes head there forthwith, as Sarah tells Chuck that Roan is legendary. And that Casey failed “infiltration and inducement of enemy personnel,” familiarly known as “seduction school.” Casey scoffs that he totally doesn’t need a class in that. I believe it. There’s a fake out where we’re meant to believe Roan may be dead, but really, he’s just passed out cold and dead drunk. Chuck is not impressed: “I’m going to be the Intersect forever!”

Awesome interrupts Chuck and Ellie at breakfast to invite Ellie to a quickie in the shower. Ellie’s like: I must be wooed! Romance me! (I think shirtless Awesome is sufficient, but whatever.) She wishes they were more like Chuck, whose eyes light up like Christmas whenever he sees Sarah. When asked how they keep it new like that, Chuck says that they sort of pretend like they’re not dating, which is weird, but it forces him to try to win her over every day. He’s in pain here, people. Ellie thinks that is adorable, and not weird, because she is oblivious. She asks Awesome for an evening of wining and dining. He’s on it.

Sarah and Casey report to General B, telling her that they can’t quite get Roan conscious enough to help. While Casey’s planning on torturing Julie for the Cipher, Roan’s upstairs going through Casey’s closet for a stellar enough suit. They play positively Tom Jones music for him when he makes his entrance, making the General all hot and bothered as he says that torture will never work. Seduction, he says! And they need someone innocuous, someone she would never suspect of espionage.

And of course, Chuck’s like, you want me to what? Sarah says all he has to do is get into Julie’s room. Chuck asks why she’d choose him. Enter Roan to teach Chuck some Rico Suave moves. The proper way to hold a martini? By the stem. Roan slugs his martini and muses, “A moment to learn, a lifetime to perfect.” Chuck thinks the guy’s liver must look like camouflage.

Awesome goes to Buy More to see Chuck, telling Morgan about his plans that night with Ellie. They include shrimp, which Morgan says is totally bad because of one major case of food poisoning Ellie had once. Morgan lays it down for Awesome: Awesome may be marrying Ellie, but Morgan stalked her for nearly twenty years, and he knows how to woo this woman like none other. Not successfully, but he’s got the details Awesome needs. This, it turns out, is not the best plan, because Morgan has details on teenaged Ellie, which include such things as Richard Marx, Klondike bars, and Sister Act. Ellie is grossed out that Awesome took advice from Morgan and ends up going to bed alone. It is hard to be Awesome, left alone thinking about Morgan: “Furry little bastard.”

Roan puts Sarah and Chuck at a bar and asks Chuck how he’d seduce Sarah were she the mark. Chuck fools around a little, making goofy noises about the Bartowski bedroom eyes, and Roan’s like: you cannot be a fool! Be a man! How would you do it? Chuck says that he would be himself, make her laugh, try to find out if they have any cultural interests in common. Roan: you can’t expect to win over a gorgeous woman like this by being yourself! You’re a buffoon! Sarah comes to his defense, saying that Chuck is passionate and sweet and caring. “He has a lot to offer,” she says. Roan says, okay, if he’s so passionate, show me: you guys kiss. They both object. He asks if Chuck doesn’t think Sarah’s attractive; he says yeah, but I had a burrito before and “I’m trying to be respectful.” Roan asks how he’s going to come on to Julie Cooper when the mission depends on it if he can’t kiss Sarah right now. Sarah tells Chuck that it’s okay. He hesitates, but leans over like a cartoon character for a very lame but funny peck on, like, the edge of her bottom lip.

Roan is pissed, asking Chuck if he’s ever had intercourse. Heh. Chuck takes offense, but Roan’s all, if you can’t kiss her, I’ll find a man who can! This whole scene is totally weird to watch in little pieces. Never has a man wanted to see another kiss a chick so bad in his presence. Chuck, getting riled up, says fine, if you want me to kiss her, I’ll kiss her! He pulls Sarah to her feet and into him, kissing her distracted. She leaves, and Roan is amused that they’ve totally made out before. Chuck protests that they are totally professional. Roan tells him that he can help him get Sarah, too. But they’ll need more gin. Casey, listening on a headset while he cleans his gun (heh): “we’re dead.”

Sarah and Casey are readying Chuck, who tells Sarah that they have the strangest, if not the steamiest, relationship in LA. Sarah says not likely, since Morgan’s still dating. She tells him not to take Roan too seriously and to be himself. Chuck doubts his charm is that charming, but Sarah says it worked on her. Before Chuck can, again, get Sarah to finally ‘fess up instead of dropping hints, Roan comes in to talk about protection. Not that kind, Chuck, you dirty bird, but a gun. Julie’s called the Black Widow, since she kills the dudes she sleeps with.

At Buy More, Big Mike notices some work hasn’t been done. He tells Lester that the minions need to fear him. “Find the wounded gazelle and pounce! Thus endeth the lesson.” Lester does this by creating a Wheel of Misfortune; Morgan is the first to spin, landing on “you’re fired.” This leads Anna to quit, then Jeff, then everyone else. Lester is forced, before the end of the episode, to beg Chuck to talk everyone into coming back. They will, but only if Lester meets their demands: two hour lunch breaks, unlimited bathroom time for rest and relaxation, and his own spin on the Wheel of Misfortune. I wonder if the mullet is a result of the Wheel.

As Chuck readies himself for the op, Sarah and Roan watch from a van, talking to Chuck on comms. Roan thinks they’re doomed. Inside, Casey’s at the bar. He makes a hilarious “well done, sir” face at Chuck and nods to where Julie Cooper’s sitting alone. Chuck fumbles his way through the crowd. Roan tells him to order her a drink. Chuck invites himself to sit with Julie, who has a hilarious cartoony accent, but who also no longer drinks. Blasphemy! Roan asks how the hell Chuck’s going to have his way with a woman not fully tanked on gin martinis? Julie excuses herself while Sarah and Roan argue in Chuck’s ear about how to approach her again. Roan thinks he needs to be controlling and dynamic; Sarah thinks Chuck should be himself because he is awesome and she totes loves him. Roan tells him to talk about San Tropez and the Intercontinental Hotel. Julie baits him, asking about a piano player that’s been dead for six years, but Sarah bounces him back with the name of the new lounge act, and Chuck has at least not got a bullet to the groin from Julie or her guards.

Roan quizzes Sarah about her relationship with Chuck, since he thinks she has feelings for him. She thinks he’s had too much to drink. He spills his martini on the command console, shorting out the comms. Chuck is on his own, recounting the history of the croissant to Julie Cooper. She starts sweet-talking him in French, and Chuck tries to play along, ineptly. Sarah and Roan manage to come back online just as Sarah’s telling Roan she has absolutely no feelings for Chuck. Chuck’s mojo, it is dampened, and Julie leaves. Casey radios that the op’s failed, and Sarah climbs out of the van, hissing that Chuck is an analyst, not a spy. Chuck is deflated, both at losing Julie Cooper and at Sarah’s dismissal of him. Casey: “Way to go, Casanova. You’ll have the Intersect in your head forever.”

Chuck radios to Roan for help, and Roan tells him to be a bastard, be someone else. Chuck follows Julie and her bodyguards into the lobby. He tells Julie that she’s a fool: she’s passed up an evening with the greatest lover she’ll ever have. Because Chuck? Is “a man trained in seduction, a man who’s traveled the world sampling women of every different culture and creed.” So can he buy her a club soda? No, but he can take her upstairs and “make mad passionate sex” to her. Julie pulls Chuck into the elevator and macks on him. Just before the doors close, Sarah and Casey catch site of Chuck getting the real Julie Cooper welcome.

Once upstairs, Julie leaves to change. Chuck radios to Sarah and Casey, who tell him to look around for something to flash on. He finds a knife and panics, but there are bodyguards at the door. Roan tells Chuck to calm down and go out on the balcony, tie himself to the railing with a bed sheet, and jump. Chuck is like, look, it worked for Sydney, but it ain’t gonna work for me. Julie comes out of the bathroom, and Chuck flashes on the medallion around her neck: she’s got the Cipher. She’s also got her all over Chuck. Sarah and Casey approach the room as Chuck starts working his hands up Julie’s back, right up until Julie whispers Roan’s name in Chuck’s ear. The jig, it is up.

Julie tells Roan he shouldn’t have sent a boy to do a man’s job. Sarah and Casey meet the business end of a gun in the hall. Chuck uses his belt to lock the balcony door between him and Julie. She tells him not to bother begging for his life, since he’s got nothing to offer. Chuck dangles the Cipher medallion from his hand: “I beg to differ.” With that, he starts climbing from Julie’s balcony to the one above. Julie pulls out a MASSIVE gun just as Chuck starts to swing himself onto the above-floor balcony, where a wife is wishing her husband happy anniversary. She catches sight of Chuck, calls him a pervert, and boots him right off the balcony. Chuck falls, screaming like a lady, to land safely on a bed-sized chaise beside the pool.

Chuck runs, radioing to Sarah that okay, she HAS to be impressed by that, right? Julie, however, has Sarah and Casey bound and their comms out. She tells Chuck that if he wants to see his fellow agents alive again, he’ll meet her the next day with the Cipher. Alone.

Roan’s waiting for Chuck in the courtyard at home. He says Julie’s going to kill Casey and Sarah. He basically tells Chuck to give up or he’ll get killed, too. Chuck asks what happened to the world’s greatest spy. Roan: I may be boring and a coward now, but I’m still alive. Chuck asks how he can just do nothing, and Roan says he’s not in love with one of the agents. Chuck denies it, reminding Roan of what Sarah said about him just being an asset. “Trust me, the lady doth protest too much,” Roan says. That’s what I’ve been saying. Roan asks if Sarah’s worth dying for. Chuck, with his cute determined face, says yes. Roan says that the first lesson of spydom is never to fall in love. Chuck says he’s not a very good spy, then, and Roan’s not much of a legend.

Chuck tries his best to contact General Beckman, to no avail. He finds Awesome asleep on the couch. He says he screwed up, going to Morgan for romantic advice. He should have done what he planned to: cover the house in rose petals, make a fire, dinner, light candles, give Ellie a foot massage in bed. Chuck asked why he doesn’t. Awesome says, basically, they’re too busy: they work all day, and when they get home, it’s too late. Chuck thinks on that, his forehead all wrinkly.

The next day at the Buy More, Roan finds Chuck. He’s changed his mind; he wants to know the plan. Chuck: exchange the Cipher for Casey and Sarah. Roan: yeah, that’s dumb. Let’s do something else. Chuck’s willing to try.

And the new plan involves sending a messenger to the drop point with a cell phone. Chuck authoritatively gives Julie a new address to bring the hostages to. She calls back, and Chuck, hilariously, gives her some stuttered directions until telling her she can find it on her own.

Julie and her crew arrive at the Buy More. Inside, Chuck’s rigged up all the electronics to broadcast a little message, saying he’s left instructions for her on how to find the Cipher once she lets his friends go. But instead if it being a prerecorded message, Chuck’s broadcasting from inside the store, and one of Julie’s goons finds him. Commence screaming and running and evading and getting trapped on the roof.

 Julie’s goon returns to report that Chuck’s trapped with the Cipher, so she whips out the gun to kill the now-unnecessary hostages. Roan, however, arrives and tells Julie to give up. Even Casey is impressed. Everyone fights. Julie gets the drop on Sarah and drags her out in a chokehold at gunpoint. Casey and Roan give chase. Via comms, Roan reminds Chuck of the bed sheet trick. Chuck looks down and sees the “Under New Assistant Managership” banner hooked conveniently next to where he’s standing. He reminds Roan that he’s not a spy, but the sight of Sarah down on the sidewalk an inch from Julie’s trigger finger changes his mind. He ties himself to the banner and leaps. Hilarious shot of Chuck flying through the air, screaming. He knocks Julie down, falling flat on his back. Sarah rushes to him, but he says he’s fine. Roan: “Now that’s what I call a spy.”

The next day, the sign reads: “Under New Ass Man.”

Chuck, Sarah, and Casey conference with General B, who says they have the Cipher. Casey says that Chuck’s assistance was “invaluable,” and Sarah chimes in that he saved their lives a bunch. The General’s like, great, have a good day. Before she hangs up, Chuck’s got some requests.

As they walk home, Awesome tells Ellie that he doesn’t have a lot of moves. He just loves her. Ellie says that’s enough. He opens the door for her, and inside, the place is covered with rose petals, and Ellie immediately smells pecan pie. Awesome’s face: HUH? Ellie jumps on Awesome, telling him he’s the sweetest man. Awesome, while confused, knows not to mess with a good thing.

Outside, Chuck tells Sarah to thank the CIA for setting up the looove nest. Sarah says she should thank him for saving her, and she was pretty impressed. Chuck says that he knows he’s just an asset, but has she ever seen anyone do what he did? Sarah: “I think it’s safe to say, Chuck, that I’ve never seen anyone quite like you.” Chuck is so in love, it’s wonderful. Roan leaves Casey’s, with thanks, and tells him that he only failed Casey twice because his partner at the time was so cute. Roan says his goodbye to Sarah, who leaves. Roan stops Chuck from following. “A great man once said to give her the illusion of being pursued,” he says. He tells Chuck to rent a dinner jacket and to show up on Sarah’s doorstep with a bottle of wine and a single red rose. Roan leaves, having gotten a booty call.

Chuck’s got the white coat over a ratty Union Jack tee shirt. And when he shows up on Sarah’s doorstep, he’s met not only by Sarah, but Bryce.

Dun. Dun. DUUNNNNN.