Big Brother 10: Season Finale - Episode 1029

Finale night! There are two things I always look for on the last episode of Big Brother - first, to see how accurately I predicted the vote count (I actually underestimated this time around), and second, to see if Janelle turned up in the audience at the live show (she didn't this time, shockingly enough). 1 out of 2 ain't bad, I guess, but with the way this season ended up, I'm perfectly alright with that. There are some things I'm not at ALL happy with, but you'll read about them in a minute. I'm sure those of you who know me through these recaps know what they are already (PINK DRESS! PINK DRESS!), but let's see how right you are. More Big Brother after the jump...

We start off with Chenbot introducing the episode, and as she moves down the wooden catwalk in the middle of the stage, she looks wildly uncomfortable actually coming into contact with other human beings. Cybernetics have certainly a come a long way, but Gigolo Joe she ain't. Anyway, a quick recap of the season follows, and it's pretty incredible how both Dan's and Memphis' fates were intertwined for pretty much the entire season. Despite how hated Brian was in the house, Dan was one of the first people he aligned with. Memphis was a c-hair from getting evicted back when Dan was America's Player and had to vote out Jessie. Their game-winning Renegades alliance was established in Week Four, something that is almost unheard of in Big Brother. It continued like this all the way through the entire show, and for the two of them to end up in the final two after all that is fairly astounding.

Time to join all the hateful, jealous pricks in the jury house now, and when Jerry walks in, you would've thought someone cut a really wicked fart and then not taken responsibility for it. 'Oh. Hi, Jerry.' People, grow up. You all lost, and that's really all there is to it. Go tend to your fragile little egos on your own time, okay? The group get to talking about what happened and why and how much they all secretly want to kill each other once the goddamn cameras finally stop rolling, they actually agree that it's going to be a tough choice to decide who wins the prize. Dan was the oily little snake boy that no one ever even came close to touching, and Memphis was the behind-the-scenes manipulator that might've actually had more of a hand in things than people gave him credit for. Actually, no - I'm bullshitting you on that last part. Dan ran this season like no one I've seen do it since Dr. Will in Season 2, and for that reason, I'm hoping like hell that these nincompoops can put aside their fragile little feelings for a few minutes and vote for the best player. We'll see, though. Surprisingly enough, Libra is the first one to admit that playing the game has nothing to do with being nice to one another, and that they all need to get the hell over it already and deal. Color me shocked.

Hey, Bunky's in the crowd! And Zach! And Nick and Jen from Season 8! I'll bet Danielle's REAL happy about that last one. I'm surprised Evel Dick hasn't had him killed yet.

Chenbot flubs a line going into the segue here, so they cart her off for repairs while we get to hear the jury members' questions for Dan and Memphis. Let's just rattle 'em off -

1) Libra to Dan - What's your most strategic move, and why? Dan says it's the backdooring of Michelle for sure, and he answers it wisely. Michelle was a tough competitor, and that's that.

2) April to Memphis - Given that we never really talked much in the house, tell me why I should vote for you? Memphis pulls the first of a LONG string of unbelievably shitty answers out of his ass with this one. He basically gives her a bunch of BS in telling her that he never tried to give her any BS while in the house. Um, okay. Dan, count your first vote.

3) Michelle to Dan - Michelle drops a little jury house roulette on Dan here, and in the process, Memphis finds out that Dan took Michelle on the trip. Ha! First part of her question is easy - why did you take me on the trip? Well, duh - he took her to make amends for the backdooring. Second part of the question is whether or not the plan to backdoor her was all his, and once again, Dan answers wisely. He takes most of the credit for it, but also that he couldn't have made it happen without his alliance members.

4) Michelle to Memphis - Dan's head snaps when Michelle tells them both that she was in an alliance with Memphis (double ha!), but basically she wants to know why the hell she should vote for him when her alignment with him was all one-sided. She did the work, he reaped the spoils. Yet another horseshit answer from Memphis follows, and I must say that I love it when people try and act intelligent when they're just... well, not. Hell, even Dan's raising his eyebrows at his answers.

5) Ollie to Dan - Why bring your girlfriend's name into our deal during that one HOH competition? Dan tells him he did it because he knows Ollie plays from his heart, so bringing a factor into it that he knew Ollie would put a lot of weight on was his best chance to get Ollie to fold. Much as I expected, Dan's playing this extremely well. These people have absolutely enormous egos, so as long as he keeps playing into that, he should be good.

6) Renny to Memphis - Could you name one thing you did for me in the game? Heh. Memphis is STUMPED by this one, and all he can really come up with is 'I gave you at least myself, and... me.' No, seriously - that's what he said. Chalk up two votes for Dan.

7) Keesha to Memphis - Why me? Why not Jerry at the final three? Memphis actually answers this one how he should - he had to. Keesha was the obviously stronger competitor, and he booted her to get to the final two. Period.

8) Jerry to Dan - Dan, he says, you showed a lot of arrogance in the house. Do you have any respect for any of us here in the jury house? Okay, look, for the last time, Jerry - shut UP. No one was more arrogant than you in this entire game, and the fact that you ran and hid from anyone and everyone you could in order to get as far as you did is about as arrogant as anyone can get. In this game, anyway. (That's what I would've said, and not what Dan actually did say.) Dan fields this one easily - yes, Jerry, I respected you, it's a game, blah blah. That's a pop fly to shallow center field if I ever saw one. Hit the showers, Jerry.

9) Jerry to Memphis - If Memphis had won final HOH, who would he have picked? Memphis does another dance around the question here, but Dan calls him out on it and basically sinks him by saying that Memphis might've intentionally lost that competition just so he wouldn't have to make that choice at the end. Memphis just looks at him. Hilarious. Boy, when Dan told us that he wouldn't have any problem pushing his way towards a win should he make it to the final two with Memphis, he wasn't kidding.

Alright, enough of that. Final statement time. More double talk from Memphis here, and he finishes it up with 'Uh, if you think I played better, vote for me. If you don't, then vote for Dan. Uh, yeah. That's it. Eat Smacky Smores.' What a dumbass. Dan's next, and he just lays it out. Look, he says, I played as hard as I could, and as intelligently as I could. I outsmarted all of you, I won comps when I had to, and most importantly, I turned people against me as to ensure myself of a place in the final two with Memphis. Memphis never does anything that's not good for Memphis, so who better to go to the end with? The jury seem a little overwhelmed by his speech, and unless I'm mistaken, it's because of how damn good it was. Oh, and true. Every last word of it. Of course, April has to go and prove her dumbness by telling us all how much more she enjoyed Memphis' speech than Dan's. Hell of a time for you to tell us you have a hearing problem, dumbass.

Chenbot introduces the jury out onto the stage now, and Ollie actually does a somersault for his entrance. No, seriously. Renny gets a long round of applause from the crowd, as does Keesha and her habit of 'forgetting' to wear a bra. Adam and Matt from Season 9 are here, too, but I don't really give a shit. Some final words from the final two, and now it's time to vote. Renny gets another whoop from the crowd by rattling on forever about basically nothing. Hurray for nothing! With that, it's time to talk to the first four evictees who didn't make the cut, and that means ANGIE. YAY. She's sitting right there in the front row in a pink dress (not THAT pink dress, but a pink dress nonetheless), but what's this? Brian, Steven, and Jessie rattle on for so long that... wait, no. NO! They're not going to cut the speech from Angie, are they? ARE THEY? THEY ARE! Angie totally gets the shaft and doesn't get a second of airtime to herself. I keep having to ogle her through quick cut shots of everyone else, and dammit, I'M MAD. GRRRR!

Dan gets outed as the one-week America's Player in here somewhere, too, but the jury is too busy congratulating themselves on how they KNEW he must have been that they miss all the best clips of it. Remember Dan's smirk to the cameras after he hugged Jessie for ten seconds? HILARITY. Forget about that, though - it's time to count the votes! Here's how they went -

Libra voted for Dan! Told ya so.
April voted for Dan! I guess Ollie told her to.
Michelle voted for Dan! Thanks, Catalina Island!
Ollie voted for the WINNER of Big Brother 10, Dan! HURRAY!

We later find out that Dan completely swept the votes by a vote of 7-0, and man, I'm shocked. I thought sure that April and Ollie would stick together in their dumbassery and vote for Memphis, but I guess not. Fine by me. Dan played an incredible game this season, and there was truly no one else in that house who even came close. He made people look downright stupid with little effort at all, and to think back and realize that he was probably the most pathetic player in the entire game at the beginning of the season is amazing. He's the lone survivor of the infamous Brian alliance, and he won! That means Angie kinda won, too, right? No? Oh.

Time to reveal the winner of America's Choice this season, and I'll tell you who it isn't - Jerry. He finished second, but who did end up winning is both shocking and non-shocking all at the same time. Freakin' KEESHA pulls the victory out of her sprawling cleavage, and all I have to say about that is SCREW YOU AMERICA! Keesha was the one who got Angie out, dammit! I wanted her head on a stake for that, not a check for $25,000! Why do you all hate me so? I guess I shouldn't be too shocked, actually - in a country where a woman can be nominated for Vice President solely because a bunch of creepy old white guys want to nail her, anything is possible.

So that's it! Season 10 is in the books, and I have to say that the best hamster definitely and deservedly won. If there is an All-Stars 2 somewhere down the line, I'd say that Dan is a shoo-in for it. Oh, and Angie. Definitely, definitely Angie.

I'm out! See you next summer!

-littlebigmouth.