America's Got Talent - The Last of the Top 40 Perform (Episode 313)

I dread what's going to happen tonight, as last night's performances were pretty weak. I have a hard time believing this show represents the best talent our nation has to offer. Piers has a disgusted look already plastered on his face. He told Jer-ry that he should have buzzed one or two more acts than the five he expressed his displeasure with last night. Sharon says that it's time to get serious and it's "no more Mrs. Nice Woman" as far as she's concerned.

As always, we first learn which of last night's acts are moving on to the top 20 (after the lengthy recap of their performances.) Jer-ry tells us that Bruce Bloch, the awful magician, couldn't be there because he was "sick." (I remember when I'd get sick the morning of a big test I hadn't prepared for in school.) It doesn't really matter, because he's not moving on - no surprise there. He then calls up the Texas State Snoozers Strutters and baton twirler Jonathan Burkin, who was easily last night's most entertaining act. Jonathan ends up being the act "still standing." My vote counted! Drag queen/opera singer Shequida and Sarah Lenore are pitted against each other and, after Shequida's trainwreck of a performance last night, Sarah is the one to "survive." Next are our two impressionists - Elvis tribute act Joseph Hall and the musical Matthew Piazzi - and hunky Elvis swivels his hips into the top 20. Jer-ry brings up the remaining three acts and happily announces that The Taubl Family were picked by America to move on. It's down to the defensive former music teacher Michael Strelo-Smith and hip-hop dance troupe Sickstep. It's up to the judges to seal their fate. Piers is up first and, even though he claims he's making his decision based on all of the competitors' past performances, tells Michael that he's "half as good as he thinks he is" and says that "a bit of humility goes a long way in show biz" and (obviuosly) picks Sickstep to move on. Sharon once again heplfully pointed out that there are "two very different acts" in front of her (she says that every single time!) but agrees with Piers and sends Michael home. He should have kept his mouth shut last night. I hope he can get his teaching gig back. Coming up - the battle for the last five places in the top 20. Let's hope they saved the best for last.

Ack. It's another dance troupe. The Dallas Desperados Dancers have sacrificed a lot to be "the best they can be."Hoff says the ladies are hot, "but tonight they've got to sizzle." Yeah, they're attractive enough, but will they be able to break the dance troupe curse? Well...not really. They're cheerleaders. Average cheerleaders. Piers and Sharon both buzzed them early on. Maybe next season, we can move on more talented dancers, like the guy who danced across the floor on his head (he kicked ass!) Piers thought they were "cheerleading rock chicks" when he first saw them, but wasn't "feeling it" tonight. Sharon called them "fantastically fit, great dancers" and said they'd be good at halftime or as backup dancers, but they're just not good enough to star in their own Vegas show. Hoff said they also lost a bit of their "edge and precision" from the last time he saw them. Not a good start....

At least our next act is easy on the eyes, former Chippendale dancer-turned R&B crooner Bryan Cheatham. He's so glad he's doing something his Mom and Dad can enjoy. His pre-performabce cliche is that he's "going to give the performance of his life." As long as it doesn't involve sleeves, I'm good. Damn! He's wearing a jacket, but he sure is fine. He needs the distraction tonight, because he's not in as good voice as he has been in the past. It was probably a bad idea to sing "My First, My Last, My Everything." He's singing Barry White and he doesn't have a Barry White voice. Admittedly, he gets better as the song goes on, but he's definietly not as good as he was before. Is NBC paying these people off to take a fall? Piers (who buzzed him) said he was better than he was before, but in reality, he's more likely to be the headliner on a cruise ship and not a Vegas show. Hoff yelled out (for no reason) "I love cruises!" Sharon said he needs to "cut the cheese" like winking and peppering in some pseudo-sexy moves (he is a stripper - it may be hard to stop doing that) and use his soul, because if he did, she thinks he'd be really good. Hoff wanted to know whay Mom and Dad didn't watch him strip. Why, Hoff? He also wanted Bryan to lay off the "wink wink, nudge nudge" style of entertaining but said he was "on" in the second half of his song. I'm not sure that is enough to keep him around.   

We finally get to see what this Flambeaux guy (the "god of fire" and prince of fabulous facial hair) all about. He lived the hard knock life as a kid (he claims sitting around the oil barrel fires to keep warm inspired him to work with fire) and says he's nervous about tonight's performace because of its potential for bodily harm and/or death. When he speaks, he sounds like Alan Cumming, so I kind of like him already. His act, for lack of a better word, is bizarre. He opens by setting himself on fire (well, just his monk-like robe) and shares the stage with a mediocre beatboxer and female singer, both of whom have a hand engulfed in flames (under huge-ass oven mitts) while they perform. Mr. Flambeaux basically does a lot of fire breathing. Now I kind of know why we haven't seem much of him. A few random balloons float on stage during his awkward performance, which proved to be the most entertaining part of the act. The female vocalist was awful. The judges all buzzed him and the audience flat-out booed when he was done, but shut up long enough to give Flambeaux a silent walk to the microphone to hear what the judges had to say (I'm surprised they didn't dub in the sound of crickets.) Piers said he was just plain "whacked" and said his act made him feel like he was dropped into a "weird druid glen." That isn't good. Sharon said he basically "flambeed his act" tonight. She added that his timing was "non-existent" and the whole act was boring. Overall, she's confused. I am too. Hoff said that instead of attracting an audience, Flambeaux would scare the crowds away in Vegas. What is going on here?   

It's now time to revisit the youngest competitor still standing, four-year-old Kaitlyn Maher. She says she loves "Mr. Piers, Miss Sharon and Mr. David" because they brought her to LA and hopes they like her singing. This is so not winning me over. I still contend that Vegas is no place for a kid. They should keep the kids out of this show - remember "Junior Star Search"? NBC should follow suit. I'm just saying....Sharon thinks she's "unique, confident and talented." Kaitlyn says that out of everything she does, she likes singing most of all (because that's what her parents told her to say, I'm sure.) Kaitlyn sings the Louis Armstrong classic "What a Wonderful World" showcasing her lisp - one that would make Cindy Brady very jealous. Yes, she saw "twees of gween" and even "wed woses too." I know I've never kept my opinion of children in entertainment a secret, but I don't see anyone paying good money to see a toddler sing in a Sin City showroom. Let's see how the judes handle this one. Piers says she looked like a princess and says she has more "charm, star quality and professionalism" than almost all of the other acts on the show. Note that he never said "talent." Shame on you, Piers. Sharon told her she carried the tune perfectly, but wanted to see a little more movement from her next time. Kaitlyn just continued to say "thank you" every time Sharon took a breath. Hoff tells Kaitlyn that she "brings the world together." Oh, please, now you've just gone too far.     

Next up is another one of my sentimental favorites, Dorae "Tina Turner" Saunders. Dorae says it's been a long and perilous" journey to the top. She says that her friends said that with her legs, she should be a dancer - and she decided to pay tribute to Ms. Turner, who she says is an "icon" (you're damn skippy, Dorae!) She says that tonight, she's taking Tina to a "whole new level." Let's hope so. Her song choice is Tina's (awesome) cover of "Disco Inferno," and she descends from the rafters in a glittery disco ball. I've seen the real Tina twice (and can't wait to see her again in November) and think Dorae has got her down, from her dance moves to the way she works her (fabulous) wig. I still love me some Dorae, and I think she's ready for Vegas. Piers, however, disagrees. he does say that she looks fabulous but says that he doesn't think it's fair to move her on when a guy like Paul "Frank Sinatra" Salos moved on when he could actually sing like Ol' Blue Eyes, not just lip synch - and thinks it's the end of the road for her. Dorae counters by saying that a lot of actresses have lip synched (like Angela Bassett and Audrey Hepburn) and said that she is an actress and dancer - she never claimed to be a singer. You go, girl! Sharon thinks Dorae is "sensational" and lights up the stage - and her life. Hoff says she's great, but doubts if she can hold an audience for an entire show. I don't doubt Ms. Dorae for a minute.  

America's wild card pick, singer/survivor Donald Braswell (who I still think is a chin cleft away from Bruce Campbell) is contestant number six. He wants to make sure that America made the right choice when they gave him a second chance. Just to remind you that ol' Don is this week's "sob story", he sings the very appropriate "The Impossible Dream." He actually turned in the most solid performance of his AGT career. Piers (who didn't exercise his buzzer finger for once) said he said America was "absoultely right" in giving him a second chance, and admired his charm and humility. Sharon compared him to Robert Goulet, who made the song famous, but wondered if that "musical theater" style was still "relevant" and could attract a Vegas audience (I think it could.) She added that Donald needs to lighten up and enjoy the ride. Hoff was so glad that he got a second chance and said he "nailed" the song. Oh, he's so moving on.

Jer-ry at least warns us...eastern Eurpoean "singers" Indiggo are next. These two tell us in their pre-performance that they are "lovely demons with angelic faces" and "hate vulgarity." Okay. Sharon says that they will either be "fabulous or a disaster." The ladies now warn us, "Get ready for double trouble," and they take the stage, singing an original song called "George Clooney" (I thought I misheard them, but that's really what they're singing.) It's kind of difficult to describe the number. It's kind of Madonna in "Dick Tracy"-esque, but far more annoying. The crowd boos them during their entire performance and, in case you're wondering, they're as horrid as you may (or if you're lucky, may not) remember them - both as singers and dancers. My husband thinks they're more suited for a Playboy sprerad, and he's actually quite right. And, at the end of the number, we finally find out where the errant balloons that showed up during Flambeaux's act came from (aaah, live TV!) Piers says that the sooner they're shipped back to Romania, the better. He goes on to say that they are the "worst dancers and worst singers in the entire competition." Yay, Piers. Sharon can't shut the girls up long enough to add her constructive criticism. She finally gets a word in edgewise and asks where they got that awful song. They tell her it was composed by the "number one producer"...in Germany. Piers ans Sharon both prteey much say "that explains it", which draws the ire of Hoff (who is a big deal in Deutchland.) Hoff said he "liked watching them" and said it was a cute song. Hoff definitely made that decision solely with the "little Hoff," that's for sure. I sure hope they're gone after tonight.

The Tapping Dads are a welcome palate cleanser after the last act. These busy dads from Temecula, California, developed the act as a hobby, but it's become their passion. Piers certainly seems to have it in for them, but they vow to do "whatever it takes" to prove him wrong. (New drinking game - every time a show biz cliche is uttered, drink. I guarantee you'll need a meeting by the end of the season.) They should have an instant in - I mean, who doesn't love their Dad? As the men hoffed it up to "Puttin' On the Ritz", I think I figured it out. Their act is revenge on all of us adult kids, who made their dads suffer through all of those godawful, seemingly endless dance recitals when we were younger. Not that they were terrible, by any means. They're cute, but amateurish. The lead dancer in the group was strong and they certainly were better than the girls squad we saw at the beginning. Piers thought they were great dads, but as dancers said they were probably making Fred Astaire turn over in his grave. His comments sure got Sharon all riled up. She said that what they lacked in talent they made up for in heart. But the show isn't called "America's Got Heart," Sharon. Hoff said they were fantastic, and even Jer-ry was all rah-rah about them too. I don't get this show anymore. I'm not even going to pretend.

Siinger Eli Mattson is up now, and I can't see any way for him not to move on, unless he wears a chicken outfit and opts for a kazoo rendition of "Me So Horny" or something. Sharon hopes he sticks to what he's really good at. He does, and delivers a solid performance of "Nobody Knows" by Babyface. He vaguely sounds like Elton John. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about him, and there's not a buzzer to be heard from the judges. Piers thought he was just sensational. Sharon said he was "pure talent." Hoff said he was refreshing after all of the crazy (and untalented?) acts they've seen and all he can say is "top 10." I agree completely.

Last up tonight is Nuttin But Stringz. These brothers from Queens have also had a tough life. Piers wonders if we've seen theer best. Their cliche is "it's now or never." I really like these guys, and they truly have talent. Their combination of hip hop and classical violin is truly unique and fascinating. Piers joined the audience and his fellow judges in a standing ovation when they were done. Wow. Piers compemented them on their "emotion, intensity and professionalism" and declared that they were his favorite act in the competition, adding that he was "trembling." Sharon said they delivered the "perfect tone" from their violins. Hoff said the boys moved the audience with their music. They have definitely earned a place in the top ten.     

I was five for five tonight - let me consult my crystal ball and predict the last five acts to make their way to the top 20 - Donald Braswell, Eli Mattson and Nuttin But Stringz are definitely moving on, but the other two spots are a little harder to call. I guess I'll go with Dorae (who I cast my votes for) and The Tapping Dads, but I think America is still charmed by li'l lisping Kaitlyn, so she may beat out one of these acts. And, gee, we'll have to wait until Tuesday to find out the results!