The Cho Show: Cho Universe Pageant (Episode 2)

Margaret is on her patio, working on her laptop when Selene brings her a glass of water. Selene, ever the concerned assistant, tells Margaret she works too much. But Margaret insists that she has to in order to work in Hollywood. The ladies get to talking about beauty standards, with Margaret relating that a radio DJ once asked her what she'd do if she woke up the next day blonde, blue-eyed, standing 5'11 and weighing 100 pounds -- his definition of beautiful. Margaret shot back "Well, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed because I couldn't stand up!"

The ladies decide to throw their own mother-daughter pageant, to show the world that they and other women are beautiful even if they don't fit society's traditional definition. The gays are immediately enlisted to provide hair, makeup, and costume services. Presumably, Margaret and Selene get to work finding contestants, though they assure the gays and each other that as it's their pageant, they're definitely going to win.

A pageant coach shows Margaret, Selene, and a bemused Blaine how to wave, answer questions, and comport themselves like winners. Margaret and Selene are curious about why pageant winners tend to come from the south. When the coach replies that the the Southerners tend to have a particular frame of mind that gives them the confidence to win, Selene asks what that mentality would be. Margaret quips "Slavery!" and I'm pretty sure the sound I just heard was the coach's jaw dropping, totally appalled.

Mr. & Mrs. Cho think Margaret and Selene's idea is crazy, but are eager to see who turns up. Though Margaret gets teary-eyed when recalling how ugly she felt as a child, she's glad that she and her parents can talk honestly about her perception of her own beauty, and how they influenced that. There's not much left to take the Chos to task for, as Margaret has talked about her own mother's dysfunctions in her act in the past (see "The Notorious C.H.O." especially) and besides, it's made for a good career, no?

And on to the puppets! Selene and Margaret get tips from a puppeteer on how to speak without moving their mouths. Apparently, if you want to say "bitch" you say "ditch". I try this out for myself -- I don't do so well. Mrs. Cho, on the other hand, is totally rapt in the lesson. Will Mrs. Cho be making her own entry into the pageant?

Margaret and Selene charge on, getting spray tans from a professional service who send someone over to Margaret's house to paint the ladies up. Tans are huge in the regular pageant circuit, and on this point the Cho Universe Pageant seems to think so, too: "Since koreans are overachievers, i'm gonna treat this pageant like a spelling bee." Margaret and Selene riff while the girl from the tanning servicel looks nervous. Who can blame her when her clients are spouting things like "I want to be so tan that cabs won't stop for me." Or "I want to be so tan people discriminate against me."

The day arrives and while the rest of the contestants have to share a dressing room, Margaret and Selene get a big space to themselves. All the better to admire their tans, even if Margaret does look like an Inuit. Hey, her words not mine. With coach back to host the competition, they're in need of judges, and on this point, Stapleton came through with Michelle Rodriguez (Lost), Alec Mapa (Desperate Hosewives), and Chenese Lewis (don't know who she is but she has a web site).

Before the pageant begins, Margaret and Selene introduce themselves to the other contestants. Right before they start with the intimidation: "We accept everyone in the Cho Universe pageant as long as they accept we're gonna kick their ass!" Damn, right. Margaret does some sit-ups with Selene counting off, while the contestants try not to laugh so much. Duly pumped, Margaret and Selene return to their room to finish dressing. Margaret considers her tan once again: "I just look like Kimora Lee Simmons. But without no money."

The pageant gets off to a rousing start, with the ladies appearing in pairs to represent their respective neighborhoods? Towns? Not sure if there are any rules here regarding geography. In any case, the small theater erupts with applause for all the contestants. Coach reveals that there will be no swimsuit competition because, as she reads a message from Margaret, that's a bunch of bullshit (yay!) so they go straight to the talent portion. Two by two, the ladies do everything from dance to sing to play music. Naturally, Margaret and Selene just kill with their Shari Lewis & Lamb Chop act. Selene gets the best line of the night when Margaret/Shari asks her/Lamb Chop what's gotten into her: "Half your arm, bitch!" Bwahahahahahahahaha.

The contestants are subjected to a Q&A session, where they answer such questions as "What's the last book that you read, and what did you learn from it?" Put to Margaret, she responds "Um, 'Everybody Poops', and that... everybody poops!" Folks, I think we have a winner. Michelle Rodriguez reads the judges' decision, and it's unanimous: everybody wins (and poops). The ladies on stage fake cry while they are crowned with tiaras. Margaret voiceovers that of course everybody would win, as in her beauty sweepstakes, everybody is beautiful. Still, though, her and Selene's tiaras are the only ones with real diamonds.