Shear Genius: The Four Ages of Genius

Previously - The seasons were reduced to bad haircuts. Daniel had to ride his pink horse & buggy back to Dallas. Dee was a neurotic shrimpy lesbian, Nicole was a metza/metza shrimpy elf queen, and Charlie just plain sucks. And not even well. And this is it. Feel the relief.

I'm still pissed that Charlie has that beefy linebacker body that I love. It irritates me to no end. Maybe if he had some sort of vocal cord removal procedure and scowl wipe. Rene's here. What, Rene? I can't understand you. Jaclyn, translate. You can't either? Damn.

Dee is already crying. You didn't win, yet. I feel like Charlie has it in the bag. I sort of like his tight t-shirt, too. He warns us that he's not shooting blanks. It's ok, I'll wear a femidom. Oh god, I'm kidding - shut up!

Charlie's on the Allure wall. He claps like one of those children who needs rubber pants past the age of two. Rene oozes something. I don't know...do you? Even his annunciation is f*cked up. He pronounces "she" as "see."

All of the stylists will have one on ones with Linda from Allure. She seems ageless. She goes through portfolios. We get a replay of the chick who got branches shoved in her salad. Ouch. I really don't like Linda's outfit. The business suit sucks and the jewelry isn't sending me.

Charlie admits he has a chip on his shoulder. Linda tells him that he's not always going to be the grand diva. She tells him to suck the ego out of it. Charlie says he can suck it up. Oh, I bet. But still - no well! Dee's here. Dee needs to switch up her game. Linda tells her to keep that longer piece in the front out once in awhile.

Rene refers to Linda as "Linder." Ok, he's growing on me. Tomorrow, they have to tell a story using a woman through her hair through a variety of ages. They will have four clients each. Read Rene's lips. I CAN'T! He says three hours. And now he has a lisp. Couldn't Bravo have found him a damn dialect coach or some sort of speech therapist.

It's going to be three stages of women, except four and they're going to be the stages of hell! It's time for the challenge. Next up, Charlie is wearing a shirt that looks like a scoop neck leotard. He's really going for it, tonight. The stylists go home and drink. Nicole starts writing her story. Dee has to spread a towel on the floor to sit on and write. There's a bed behind you, Tiny Lezzie.

Dee is excited about the money, and apparently she grew up poor. Who didn't? Charlie and Nicole are like, yeah, ok, well, uh, sorry? Yeah. Everyone starts talking about their parents. Except for Charie, who plans on buying his boyfriend rhinoplasty. Ok, I might have to like him now.  He also wants to get drunk and shop for clothes. Great, now he's my friend in my head. Though, they hate when I do that down at the Old Navy.

It's time. Charlie do a piroutte or give us some jazz hands. Do something from All That Jazz! Rene's here...why can't Jaclyn be? What is she doing? She's probably having martinis with Daniel, she liked his gay ass. The clients roll up. Everyone has to tell their story. Dee's 45 year-old doesn't look 45. Dee's story is about some music chick.

Charlie's is boring, about some actress. And Nicole's SUCKS. I think she just made it up there. Great job, Rene? Uh. Nicole's old lady doesn't look 60. I love how Nicole styles her clients. She's like, I guess I won't take your hair? She tells us how she feels "clouded" right now. Bitch, maybe you shouldn't have rolled your own before this!

Charlie hugs his clients and then tells them never to speak to him in the Nexus salon. Dee is really sticking to her story. Please drop this fairy tale, it was so much better when Illeana Douglas was playing that character. One of Dee's clients tells her not to touch her length. Heifer, it's the last episode! If she wants to buzz your head and paint it green, you let her! And then ANOTHER one of these ungrateful twats says she can't cut her hair either! WHAT? Did Charlie find these people?

And it's go time! Dee has stripped down to a tank top to work. Pumping Iron 4: Lesbian Hairdresser! Nicole browbeats one of her bitches into letting her cut her hair by telling her that her length makes her look older. Cunning. Dee's client tells her not to make her look "conservative." Dee's like, have you seen me? I've got a streaked flattop and a pierced labia! Girl, please!

People are running around with color as Rene stalks them. Rene says that Dee has four clients on fire. Dee's oldest client looks like the woman who played Mrs. Peacock in the Clue movie. She's scowling. Dee convinces one of her bitch clients that she has to take two inches off.

Nicole spits on Charlie's up-do. Nicole finds out that her old lady has black dye upon black dye upon black dye. Maybe she works in a shoe polish factory? Rene is nervous about highlights. Nicole tells him to quit it, and she doesn't want to have to deal with Kim Vo up in her urea (yeah I used a "u".) Dee's old lady is still scowling.  Dee is pressed for time. And I sense someone's going to end up getting cut.

Rene is nervous about Nicole's time. So is Charlie. I'm not. But I'm drunk. Charlie complains about his two wet models. I like a wet model now and then. Nicole's 30 year old model gives her some trouble with her dry-proof hair. Dee's oldest model looks like she wants a pillow behind her back and a Grasshopper. Old girl is failing.

Charlie spouts off about Dee's motivations and plan and he uses a lot of big words and he's not really summing it up well. So I'm not even going to transcribe. He himself is going for iconic beauty legends. He says that the event was exquisite torture and he plans to kill himself. Dee's oldest loves her Orphan Annie got chopped look. Nicole takes time to insult Dee's cuts. Do you have time for that?

And it's time to go! We've got Nicole in a red dress, Dee in a red blazer, and Charlie in black formal wear but turned casual. Kim Vo is here. Worm Lips forever! Linda Wells is here with a bad necklace. Where's that brunette chick, that drudge? Guess she didn't qualify for the last episode. Sally Hershberger is here. She looks like an older version of Shane from The L-Word.

Jaclyn looks beautiful as always. Dee looks like she might have been standing with one foot on a plank while she cut because everything is off balance on her clients. Seriously, Sally Hershberger looks like Shane. I love it. Charlie made his 45-year-old look like 60. And he made his 60-year-old look like Dee. Nana, who is that UPS lady you keep hanging out with?

Nicole wanted her 30-year-old to be "Jem, very Madonna." Really? Is that a good idea. Nicole's old lady looked like she just jumped a barbed wire fence. Dee's old lady LOVES her hair. Sally Hershberger is hot as hell. She has stroke mouth, too. Like Milo on Heroes.

Charlie keeps talking about his 45-year-old's "suspense role." Kim Vo loves Charlie's color story BUT he wants to "stuff rice and beans" in his 18-year-old's hair hole. Ok, I shouldn't have typed that. Sally Hershberger hates Nicole's tale of heterosexual triumph. I knew she was a dyke! Is she Shane based on her.

Nicole's crying, and Jaclyn is, too. I love that Jaclyn is a crier. Nicole admits that she didn't finish the last lady. Sally thinks Nicole's "major." And tiny and blond. Yum! Judges judge. Sally Hershberger should have been in on this since the beginning.

All of the comments are mostly positive. Until Kim Vo mentions Charlie's "hair burrito." He says some really gross things. Jaclyn recorded some voiceovers about the stylists' long journey. It's way obvious. Even more than Tyra's on ANTM. It's time. Am I tense? No, that's me sobering up a little because I'm out of gin. Can someone fetch me some gin?

My boyfriend hates that Jaclyn keeps talking about their "incredibly journey." Nicole's out. I am waiting for Nicole's final words to be "fuck you Kim Vo!" Nicole is very gracious about losing. Can Jaclyn say "incredibly journey" again? DEE WINS IT! WOW! I totally had Charlie down for the win. I'm so happy! You know that bitch is biting inside of his cheeks to keep from hitting her. Kim Vo smiling with worm lips is almost as scary as him sitting still.  And that's what you get for being a Weeble, Chuck!