Big Brother 10: Two For The Road

The Fast Forward episode of Big Brother is usually my favorite of the entire season. It's quick, it's dirty, and more often than not, it usually works out the way I want it to. Remember when the BB8 lovebirds Eric and Jessica were both booted by the Big Bad Donatos on the Fast Forward episode? Classic. Right after the two of them had been aligned with both Dick and Danielle for weeks, too! Nice going, Zach. Anyway, tonight's Fast Forward on Big Brother 10 was just as much of a hoot, so let's take a look. More Big Brother after the jump...

So we start out in the courtyard with Chenbot and the useless studio audience, and we're shown a quick recap of the week's activities before jumping back into the fray. After Dan pulled his shenanigans and screwed Ollie over in a truly Donato-ian move, Michelle took Memphis' place on the block. Michelle wasn't too happy about that, to say the least, and started running her mouth about all kinds of potential scenarios involving Dan that she seemed really certain about. 'Dan's a plant!' she roared. Dan's a what? A plant? Sweetie, no. The only plant is the one growing out of your head, you psycho. Could someone get that girl some garden shears and a hand mirror, please?

When we last left the hamsters, the POV ceremony had just ended and shit was jumping off as a result of Dan's double-cross. Michelle's wigging out in the DR, Jerry's making the right decision to just not say a goddamn word about anything to anyone, and Ollie puts on his tough guy glasses and hat to try and out Dan to all his alliance members about a bunch of shit they already knew. Seriously, what was the point of that? You think Renny, Memphis, and Keesha didn't know what was about to go down? They might not have had a full grasp of the Roulette game (which I thought was kind of ridiculous, too), but come on, Ollie - it's not like you're dropping any bombs here. Dan stands his ground, Memphis gets called a faggot in a scene that Big Brother didn't have the balls to show, and Ollie makes an even bigger ass of himself by throwing stuff around in the house and backyard while Dan and his crew watch from the screen up in HOH. My favorite line of his during the whole temper tantrum he threw was up in HOH while talking to Dan - "You like playing games? You could've stayed home and played Monopoly!" That's true, Ollie, but if he had, he probably wouldn't be playing for a chance at $500,000 and the opportunity to humiliate self-righteous dickheads like you. Get over yourself, Ollie. You got played, and that's that. The only thing you're really pissed about is that you didn't think to do it first. Maybe if you had kept your dick out of April for ten minutes this season, you would've had enough blood flow to your brain and not made such a ridiculous deal in the first damn place. Too bad so sad!

Michelle up in HOH now, and she's asking Dan why he chose to backdoor her like this. All he really had to say to her was how good of a player she was, but of what we saw, he gave her nothing. Hmm. I'm not sure if BB is editing Dan out to be the villain here or what, but to be honest, it's a good question. Why her and not Ollie? Did Dan really think she was that much of a threat going into the final weeks of the game? Personally, I think so, being that she's won HOH and a few other challenges along the way, and Ollie hasn't won anything except a scorching case of herpes from Shovel Face. Well, in any case, Michelle goes running back downstairs in her usual fit of tears, and now it's time for Chenbot to announce the Fast Forward to the hamsters.

Ollie's excited about the truncated week of events, mainly because he knows it won't allow too much back alley strategizing that may hurt his already weakened game. But first, it's time for the eviction. Jerry and Michelle are on the block, and here come the speeches. Jerry's is courteous and respectful, and it makes me wonder why the hell we see that side of Jerry so rarely. Oh right - it's because he's spent the entire game hiding behind stronger players and running his mouth as fast and loud as he can. Michelle's speech now, and her yammering makes no sense at all. Vote for me or don't is basically the gist of it. Thanks, Michelle. Go weed your hair, Treebeard.

Time to vote! No real surprise here, as the only person that votes for Michelle to stay is Ollie. She's out 3-1, and she takes her spot at Chenbot's side out in the courtyard. Chenbot shoots down all of Michelle's conspiracy theories about Dan in the blink of a robotic eye, so Michelle's still a little dumbfounded about what's transpired over the last day or so. No matter. Now she can go make herself the center of all the arguments going on in the jury house.

With no further ado, though, it's Fast Forward time, bitches! It's awwwwwn like Mawwwwnica up in here. First up is the week's HOH competition out in the backyard, and Ollie goes into his room and grabs a pair of gloves. Yeah, Ollie, I'm sure they're going to have a lengthy endurance competition for HOH when we only have about 40 minutes left in the show. Dumbass. No, what we do get for the competition is the classic Step Up/Step Down game in Big Brother. chenbot will ask some questions that were compiled in this week's America's Choice, and the hamsters will get two possible answers to them. If they believe the answer to the question is Selection A, they will step up on the stair behind them. If they think the answer is Selection B, they will step down to the stair below them. The hamsters take their places, and we're off.

My heart starts beating like a rabbit over here when Jerry steps to an early lead (Jerry will undoubtedly try and do the most damage with his nominations if he wins, i.e. Dan and Memphis), but Keesha's not out of it yet. At the end of the requisite 7 questions, it's Jerry and Keesha in a dead tie for the lead. Jerry's looking cool as ever, but Keesha? Not so much. She looks like she's squirted out the gross product of Hershey, PA into her shorts at this point, and man, I'm nervous. Keesha ain't the sharpest tool in the shed, so if there's math involved, forget it. Anyway, Memphis, Ollie, and Renny are eliminated from the competition (step 1 towards getting Ollie the hell out of there completed!), and Chenbot gives the tiebreaker question. How many lollipops were on the table at the end of the food competition?

The useless studio audience bursts into laughter when both Keesha and Jerry write the exact same number on their chalkboards, and hey! Maybe they're not so useless after all. Time for tiebreaker question #2. Chenbot breaks it down - of all three heats in this week's POV competition (the one with the spacesuits and those cool-ass miniature ziplines), what was the total amount of time that had elapsed in seconds? Keesha's jaw hits the floor, and mine is quick to follow. Uh-oh. Math.

Chenbot asks for Jerry's answer, and he's written down 320 seconds. Keesha is still frantically scrawling on her chalkboard when Chenbot demands her answer, and when she finally turns it over, it reads 500 seconds. That had to have been a guess. HAD. No one who is estimating anything in seconds could possibly have come up with 500 for their answer. Chenbot gives us the answer, and although I think Keesha totally blew this one, she wins! The answer was over a thousand seconds, and man, I am AMAZED. This would've been a perfect opportunity for BB to whip up one of their trademark rigged answers to make the game go the way they wanted it to (remember Sharon getting fucked out of HOH last season, and getting evicted that very same week as a result?), but no dice. Keesha totally pulled that one out of her ass, so maybe she was right all along about her shit not stinking. Good job, girl!

No time to celebrate, though, as the POV competition will follow in just a few minutes. But first... nominations! Keesha's still looking nervous as hell as she gets ready to name her nominees, but I don't think it's much of a mystery. Jerry's right back where he started, and Ollie is quick to follow. Step 2 of Operation Ollie Oust is complete.

Dan's gotta be feeling good about how things are going so far. Michelle's done, Ollie's on the ropes after losing HOH, so all he has to do now is administer the deathblow by keeping him as far away from the POV necklace as he can. Let's get it on. Quick and dirty competition this time around once again - two wooden POV symbols are hidden in a big pile of hay at the end of the backyard, and each hamster will have to scrounge around in it to find them. First one back to the starting point with both symbols wins. Go!

Ollie is up and over the haystack obstacles and into his pile of hay in no time flat, and man, please don't let this episode end on that much suckage. Please? However, by the time both Memphis and Dan have found their first POV symbol and made it back to look for the second, Ollie hasn't found shit. Nothing at all. Hmmm... maybe I spoke too soon about Big Brother not rigging this thing. Renny and Keesha find the first of their symbols, but Ollie? Nothing. Hell, I think I saw him find a needle or two in that big pile of hay, but not a POV symbol is to be found anywhere near him. Hilarious! Both Dan and Memphis find their second POV symbols at pretty much the same time, so it's a foot race back to the beginning. Dan whacks his buzzer first, and he's done it! Dan The Man has pulled it off! He wins POV and seals Ollie's fate. HURRAY!

Ollie realizes he's done here, so he just sits on the edge of his haystack and stares at the floor, wondering if April will still be into him after she founds out how prone he is to calling people faggots on national television. Don't worry, Ollie - I'm sure the two of you will live happily ever after.

Time for the veto meeting, and once again, there really are no secrets about what's going to happen. Jerry makes another nice speech, and hey! Ollie gives one, too. He offers Dan one last chance at another game of roulette this time around, but uh... no. Dan keeps the nominations the same, and now it's time to vote. The last nail in the coffin comes pounding down on Ollie's head in the form of three little votes. Chenbot reads the results, and Ollie begins his hasty exit before she's even finished. Much to my surprise, he doesn't smash anything on his way out. Bye-bye bitches!

I think my favorite part about the Fast Forward week is that when the final eviction is made, the last person to go doesn't even have their bag packed. HA!

Dan puts on a rather terrifying face and watches the Memory Wall as Ollie's photo fades to black. Er, black & white, that is. Please do not picket me. Jerry walks around the house congratulating everyone else and realizing that he probably doesn't have much of a chance to go much further than 5th place, but you know what? You never know. I have a feeling that if even though Renny played by Dan's rules this week, that doesn't mean she's going to keep doing that now that Keesha is HOH. Should be a very interesting week or two, especially now that Dan has outed himself as an incredibly strong player that is going to be a bitch to get out. We'll see.

Ollie's out with Chenbot in the courtyard, and although he's pissed about Dan double-crossing him, Julie calls him out on it. Isn't what Dan did to him the same thing that he did to Brian in Week 1? she asks. Well, yeah, it is, actually. I hadn't thought of it before, but it really is the same thing. Ollie took the opportunity to get out a strong player when he had the chance to by going back on an agreement, and so did Dan. The only difference between the two scenarios is that Brian had the good sense to not start throwing shit around the house once he realized what was going on. Bye, Ollie. Have a nice chat with Daddy.

Final five! Dan, Memphis, Keesha, Renny, and Jerry. So what's next? I'm not sure, but if Dan thought this week was tough, I'm really looking forward to seeing what happens when he has to make his way past all the people he had to rely on to make the Michelle/Ollie double-play happen in the first place. Renny's no joke when she gets the chance to strut her stuff, and Memphis was right on Dan's tail at the end of that POV competition. I'm still very much rooting for Father Dan to take it all this season, but to do that, he's gonna have to pull off some truly AMAZING rope-a-doping for it to all work out. Convincing all those people on the jury that he either snuck by or stabbed directly in the back to vote for him in the end is just going to be the cherry on top. It will be tough, but surely not impossible. Hey, if Evel Dick and Dr. Will can do it, What Will Dan Do?

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! See you there. Be sure to wear your gloves!

-littlebigmouth.