Shear Genius: The Four Seasons

Previously - Gay wolf Paulo was sent packing. Everyone's family showed up to get transformed. Jaclyn Smith inspired a tiny girl to emulate her hair style. Jaclyn likes that.

We're down to Daniel in some lime green glasses and a Peter Pan collar (is he wearing Sandy Duncan's eye?), stank Charlie, Venice gondola driver Dee, and elfin misery Nicole. Four left! Jaclyn's personal stylist Jose Eber is here! Oh my god, this bitch is so 80s glamour! He's got one of those Aspen cowboy hats on and he should be wearing a fur coat, but that would cover the ponytail. Jose Eber is tremendous and totally makes me wish Valerie Bertinelli, Shelly Long, and Nicolette Sheridan were here for some reason.

Daniel feels that Dee chooses her clients by the girls she wants to fingerbang. Stylists cut hair. Dee's client drives a hog. Dee isn't into hogs, as we know. Nicole thinks her singer client has gauche hair. Jaclyn's here! And there's a problem! The stylists have to work on their clients' twin sisters!

Each twin has to have their own look. Good luck, suckaz! The winner gets a place in the final 3! And an evening with Jaclyn! Ok, that's not part of the prize, but it should be. I'd rather that than winning this bullshit. Both of Nicole's clients worship Christina Aguilera. Bims. She's turning one of them brunette.

Daniel is talking. A lot. Nicole thinks he's not getting to know his clients. He does tell a lot about himself. Jose Eber picks at Charlie's client's hair like he was picking a nit off her head. Jose Eber does the stylist unintelligible accent ala Rene Fries. I have no clue what he's saying, but he's total 80s shoulderpads glitz and I don't care.

Time to judge twins! Nicole totally changed one of the blonde bims. Daniel made his twins look 50. Seriously, why don't they just start taking Boniva now. Jose pronounces "tough" as "taff" and I *heart* it. So Nicole's definitely in the bottom three. She freaks out, and her elvish head almost pops off.

Charlie threatens to maim Nicole. He's so demented. He probably would. He has "gay serial killer" written all over his weeble gut. Nexus is far behind, they're at some photography studio. Rene lists off Michael Grecco's credentials and I can't understand. For all I know, he's moonlighted down at the Dairy Queen.

The stylists have to create a hairstyle that reflects one of the four seasons. Charlie says he's in heaven. So these models will get photographed afterward to preserve this tragedy. Grecco is wearing one of those sad-ass crotch rocket motorcycle jackets. Grecco tells Daniel to make his model look "avant-garde summer." Uh...so like seaweed on her head and a giant Coppertone bottle that shoots fire?

Nicole has winter, and her model will be shoved in snowbank. Dee's Fall model will be on a trampoline. Uh, how avant-garde. Charlie's model will be on a swing. Dee is about strong, trendy, funky haircut. Charlie's going to set his model's hair for Jesus. Rene and his own Peter Pan collar are scared of Daniel's braids.

Rene is making Dee nervous. And Rene is himself nervous. Everyone in this room needs a friggin' Xanax. Seriously. Or a cup of chamomile tea and a Lorna Doone. Relax, people. Daniel makes fun of Dee's hairstyle but guess which hooker is going home? All the judges are here, as is the Allure magazine head judge. Not just that dowdy bitch who shows up every episode with the lank brown hair.

Nicole's model has an issue with the photographer and then he bosses Nicole's ass around. Winter is DRY, Michael. And then he yells at Nicole about getting in his frame. Damn. Dee is bossed around, too. He tells her she should have nixed the bangs. This dude is a dictator! The judges sit in director's chairs and say useless things. Worm Lips has a fuschia from hell shirt on.

They wet Daniel's model down. Like, she's a Slip N' Slide. Daniel totally fouled up. He does get a "nice styling touch" for putting flowers in her hand. That's about it. And it's all over. Back to the scissors stage. Kim Vo's here. And Allure empress Linda Wells. And Michael Grecco, photographer of evil.

Michael Grecco nixes the red braid in Daniel's hair. Worm lips says it's like taking a laxative and a sleeping pill in the same night. Has he done that? Ugh. Marie calls Dee's model "the village idiot." HAH! The model's gonna watch this and be like "that bitch!" Nicole is told she was "cooperative." That's...good? I guess? Pet dogs are, too. None of the stylists really made an impression, it feels like.

Daniel did freak out a bit, he literally gnaws his fingers down to the bone. Would you like some hot sauce with that? The Allure editrix asserts that this isn't a personality contest so Dee can suck it!  It's time. Someone better pack up their lime green glasses and Peter Pan Collar and hop the first beauty queen bus back to Dallas!

Charlie leaps up and down and drops that belly. He won the challenge. Daniel's going home. Well, his mom thinks he's Shear Genius. Jaclyn tears up! She liked that queen, too! We're down to an elf, a dwarf (sorry, Dee), and a Weeble. Whos it gonna be? Tune in tomorrow night (jesus, this recap is late.)

Next - Three hours for a hell challenge. Dee has a nasty client. Confetti.