The Hills: We'll Never Be Friends (Episode 401)

"Redrum! Redrum!" All grump and no play makes Spencer a dull boy.: Image courtesy MTV.comIt's been three months since we last saw our favorite residents of "The Hills", and what have they been up to?

When last we saw them, Heidi was following Spencer back to L.A. from a trip to Vegas that should have seen her installed as the project manager for a new SBE hotel in Sin City. Lauren and Lo were happily rooming together in Lauren's cute new mansion, leaving Audrina to get all mopey in the guest house before growing a pair and looking at apartments with Justin Bobby.

Since then, Heidi has been demoted, removed from the Vegas project (ooh, burn!) and having to earn back Brent's faith in her. But hey, at least she and Spencer are back together and happy, right? Too bad Spencer's peeved when Heidi's adorable sister Holly turns up for a surprise weekend visit. While Spencer's rude enough to reject Holly's offer to make him breakfast, Heidi makes up for it by taking Holly for a "Hollywood makeover" that includes some seriously long extensions. Maybe it was a combination of the extensions and fumes from all the L.A. traffic but Holly's determined to come back to L.A. for good. Will Spencer mend his shitty ways and make nice if Holly has to couch-surf at the Montag-Pratt household for a few weeks or even months? I'm willing to bet a case of diet Coke that he won't -- any takers?

Lo's always super-bitchy. That's just how she is.

Meanwhile, Lauren's date with Doug, an old high school boyfriend from Laguna, goes well enough that she invites him to a birthday party she throws for Audrina. It's something of a goodwill gesture on the part of her and Lo, who are eager to establish some roommate harmony with the token brunette of the house. Though Audrina reveals to co-worker pal Chiara that Lo can be "super-bitchy", she attends the party in good faith, reveling in the attention and good times from a crowd of friends and well-wishers. Among the pierced and the be-mohawked crowd is Hills favorite Justin/Bobby, who makes a splashy entrance by trying to throw Audrina in the pool.

Not among revelers is Lo, who puts in some time sneering at who she imagines are hygiene-challenged party guests before going upstairs to play with the dog. Lauren, who could use Lo's help hosting, is not pleased that Lo's bailed. She asks Lo to talk to Audrina about their roommate strife. And Lo does, visiting Audrina for "the talk". And for all the anticipation I had -- realizing this is all staged reality, whatever that means, and therefore handicapped in the authenticity department -- I was pleasantly surprised by how swift and bloodless this was. Lo apologized for her absence, but is quick to point out that the friendship hasn't quite happened and feels like Audrina hasn't given much back to her and to Lauren. Audrina admits as much, feeling like she doesn't click. When Lo says she hasn't made Audrina feel that way on purpose, Audrina says that it's intimidating because Lo and Lauren grew up together. In any case, she thinks Lo's attitude is shit, and isn't interested in mending anything. When she pronounces that they're just never going to be friends Lo can see their talk is over, and goes back into the house.

Notes:

1. Yes, I know, no notes on Whitney and Lauren gabbing at work. Or Heidi and Holly. Or Lauren's date with Doug. But that's only because:

• Until Whitney can come up with more to say than "Oh my gosh" and/or gets a good storyline (and I suspect she will eventually), her role as Greek chorus/Lauren validator is just more of the same.
• I feel like I can take my time writing about Holly, as we know she'll be back. For goodness' sake, she was at the premiere party!
• Doug was bo-ring! At least for now -- I'm sure he'll become more interesting once we see how he ended up going on a date with Stephanie.

2. Lauren needs to find new shit to do with her hair. She's still killing it with the eyeliner, though.

3. I've created a Google map so you can keep track of places visited by the cast as they fight, date, and drink all over L.A. I decided not to include the residential addresses of the cast members so any would-be stalkers are not getting any help from me.

4. Yay! My episode polls are back with this: Would you rather be alone in the guest house with Audrina or sleeping on an air mattress chez Speidi?