Shear Genius: These People Are Dogs

Previously - Jaclyn Smith was SADLY disappointed by her Angels. And Charlie and Nekisa don't get along. He's a bully and she's a bad hairdresser. Oh, and somehow Nekisa keeps hanging on. I still don't get it. I've prayed, turned to the Bible, read tea leaves. Nothing.

Morning in Lost Angeles. The stylists enter the Nexus hair salon. Jaclyn revisits her disappointment from the last challenge. The Allure wall of fame is empty this week, and Daniel feels that his ass is now on fire to be better. That was not his first time with a fiery ass, I can assure you.

The guest judge is some guy who uses household products to do hair. He's a lion mane of a man, Robert Haliwell. Jesus Christ, Stuporstar! They have to make a futuristic style without hairspray and use things like tuna fish and tomato sauce. Hi, I don't want my head to look or smell like a period. Sorry to wax gross, but seriously.

Lionmane says that they're using these nasty products to help the environment. The editors let us check out Dee scoping Nicole's ass. Have her and Nekisa broken  up? It's almost as bad as if Lohan and DJ Sammy ended things! She's pissed because she never got that neckrub.

Charlie and Nekisa are ALREADY fighting. In front of Jaclyn, not cute. Nekisa says that Charlie's insides look like anchovies and I guess Nekisa plays with her hair alot. These two are wretched, and I wish Jaclyn would fire them! FIRE THEM NOW! This is not an Alexis/Krystle moment. This is two sad queens spitting on each other and turning tiredly back to their Mai Tais.

Nicole is skeeved because she hates smells. Charlie says he wants the bitch to go home. He is so ANGRY. Did his Mom like give him a lot of enemas or something? Daniel chooses peanut butter because he hates it, and it makes him throw up. He thinks this will show the judges he's serious. Serious about hating peanut butter?

Paulo is creating a cobwebbed princess caught in time, and he acts that idea out with hand motions and waving his body. Everyone's fighting. Charlie's fighting with Dee (he finds her "Japanimation" to be boring) and then Dee is fighting with Nicole. What has been happening back at that house? Did someone drink someone else's box of wine?

Charlie thinks the beets that Daniel put in his chick's hair look like "maroon testicles." He's always got balls on his mind. The clients look CRAZ-AY! Daniel discusses his hairspray addiction. Like, he needs to sit in a circle and share with other Aqua Net fiends overseen by a trained counselor. Nekisa's in the bottom. Again. Lionmane guy is fairly kindly. But he's still gotta crucify someone. Nicole!

Maybe it was because she tried shoving a squid onto her client's head. Paulo won. He did a good job. Daniel says that Paulo had it easy because his bitch had curly hair. Who knew hairdressers were this evil? They go home to drink and snack and score points off each other.

Nekisa hates Nicole who hates Dee who hates Charlie. Seriously, what happened? Is this a decades long feud? Did someone's mother leave someone else's father? Is someone here someone's else's lovechild who was abandoned?

Their new clients are dogs. Literally. They have to cut their hair. This show just got dumber than usual. Why doesn't everyone start cutting each other's hair? Charlie can wear a wig. Daniel is terrified of dog grooming, and Dee and Charlie don't feel confident about cutting the hair of canines. Neither would I. There'd be some bloody dogs. If they have to cut children's hair next, I will regain respect for the writers. Because I want to watch a child slap Nekisa and Charlie.

The stylists have to give the dog owners a cut as well. And they have to give them a style that is similar to their dogs. Ok, this could be effed up enough to be fascinating. I haven't taken the opportunity this recap to remark on Rene's accent. I think maybe it's because he has to speak through his caps. I'm waiting for the first stylist to cry over this one.

Can they color the dog's hair? Did you know dogs get like hung by their necks for haircuts? Charlie is pissed that he has to admit that he's using a "chignon" on his client to Rene. Maybe Charlie is depressed. It can lead to irritability. Nekisa calls her dog a "sexy bitch." Did you know that Rene Fries doesn't like the word "may?" He really doesn't. I know this because he was emphatic and I could understand what he said!

Daniel is singing, and Paulo tells him to shut his gay ass up! Rene calls Nekisa "Nekisha." I think he's got a thing for her stripper-looking ass. Shake it, Nekisha. Charlie tells Rene that he thinks Dee is a bitch. "Nekisha's" (sorry, I like it) client lets Rene know she hates her hair with a headshake. Now, by every rule of this competition, she should be going home. It looks terrible, and the client hates it. Blackmail photos must have SOME kind of shelf life, no?

Paulo thinks Daniel's looks like a "psychotic duck's ass on crack." That's some kinda crazy duck's ass, Paul. Nicole hates Dee's bobs with poufs. That's a specific hatred. Even the judges sense how ridiculous this challenge is. Their faces say it all.

No one looks like their dog. Especially Nekisa's. Back to the Jersey shore with you! Kim Vo's worm lips find the dogs cute, or perhaps as a source for something to drain and put in his lips. Daniel gave his dog a weave. He should win for that alone.

Jaclyn found her ASIAN client's hair to be "way too dark." Uh. Kim Vo and the rest find that Nekisha's work sucks. And she uses some crazy excuse. I'm beginning to see Charlie's point. I hate a bully, but damn she's big with the excuses. Even Jaclyn's like "okay...". Jaclyn Smith seems fairly patient but even Kelly Garret has her limits.

Dee did make her client look like a dog. Is that a good thing? Charlie tells the judges that his client and her dog look alike in the face. He has no compunctions about insulting anyone. He would probably kick the Queen of England in the box and then have a relaxing cigarette.

Worm Lips has his number, though. He tells him that his client looks old and crazy. WOW. Charlie admits that he wasn't into the challenge. Dumb thing to say. Maybe he wants to get back to his hell pit. Nicole's client tells the judges that Nicole made her dog look like a rat.

Jaclyn is cracking up over the dog with the weave. The dog trainer judge is rhapsodizing over the dog cuts. It makes me want to be an animal lover and feel so enthused. The dog trainer notes that Charlie's a stuck up douche. By the way, Jaclyn is wearing some Patsy Stone-type gold lame pants. Even the glamorous Kelly Garrett might want to re-think those.

Nicole's ready to snap at Dee's ankles, when Dee and Daniel make the top two. I'm going with the dog metaphor. Dee wins it. Dee's tiny lesbian acrobatics crack up the judges. Paulo, Charlie and Nekisha are the bottom three. I want to see Nekisha slap Charlie or Charlie slap Nekisha when one of them loses.

Charlie thought he was going home, which is probably why he was actually holding Nekisha's hand. Maybe hairdressers are just mean to each other for fun. Finally, Nekisha is sent the eff home. Thank christ. People actually run to hug her. Including Charlie. What the hell? Nekisha manages not to kick him in his maroon balls. Maybe she didn't have an excuse ready. Though she blames the dog for her loss. Figures.

Next - Violet vomit.