Shear Genius: Fallen Angels

Previously - Bald women's wigs were transformed into moments of transcendent joy.

Sorry that this recap is so late, but Kate Jackson teaming up with Kate Jackson again sent me to a plane of existence that is almost indescribable. I need a poet. Does anyone know a poet?

The stylists arrive. Nicole must have been BOOZIN' last night because she's packed her bags and put them right under eyes. Jaclyn Smith is standing with Worm Lips. It's the Color Challenge! Well, Meredith's gone so there's no worries about Bozo Red.

They have to use "vibrant, over the top, in your face hair color." Kim is apparently the coloring genius. He goes in between the lines and uses every color in the box, including burnt sienna. He even uses the crayon sharpener, he's so good with color.

Worm Lips admits that he colored Perez Hilton's hair. Why would you admit that? Bitch looks manga. The stylists have four hours to color hair and everyone is so excited that they begin dancing ecstatically and speaking in tongues. The winner will help determine who goes home today.

Stylists convince their clients that they're going to radically transform their hair into shades you only see when trippin' on shrooms. Stylists remove color and then put it back in. These bitches are going to be bald with all these chemicals and strippers!

Worm Lips Vo doesn't want Paulo to combine blue and yellow and give his client Kermit Head. Charlie is giving his client "flames" because she's "fiery." No offense, but his client looks like a cup of tea and a hot water bottle is the extent of her fire. Is he mocking her?

Dee is transforming her client into a Bird of Paradise. Oh shit. Caw! Caw! Is this Carnivale? She gives a mini-lecture to us about how to put light on top and use triangles and it sounds very complicated. I could never do this job. Why? Scalps.

Clients' heads are wrapped in foil and people look like they're bleeding from their heads. It's like a triage. Paulo describes his botched color as "Papa Smurf shit all over her head." That's probably the most unappetizing metaphor I've ever heard, and I would immediately fire him and trot my ass down to Fantastic Sam's.

It's a disaster movie when the shampoo bowls that clients get their hair washed and colored over BACK UP. Oh oh. Nekisa tells Kim Vo about this and Kim Vo gives his "she's so going home" smile. Charlie chimes in. Man, does he hate Nekisa. I suspect it's because she's sorta attractive and he's always wanted to be a real girl. Gay guys who hate women give me the chills.

Daniel hates Dee's color. He mimes vomiting. Did he hear Paulo's "Papa Smurf shits" analogy? Vo doesn't find Nekisa's hair to be vibrant. Dee's color is...Rainbow Brite conceiving a child by a Power Ranger. DAYUM!

Nicole's client has the Bozo, and "no voice" according to KIm. She also has a very painful looking lip ring. When you hit 50, it's time to take it out because it's going to start scraping up on your dentures. Glenn's client looks like she has a blond wig on over her crazy color. Yuck.

Paulo doesn't have ANY color. Heh. At all. Charlie decided against fire because she's oatmeal so he made her into a "carousel horse." Ugh! No! Vote against the whinny! Daniel tells Kim Vo that this isn't the type of hair he does at home? Asians? There are no Asians in Gay Dallas?

Jaclyn is turning to Kim like she has a back injury. Don't get old on us now, Jackie! Paulo and Nekisa are both in the bottom two. Uh, how is Nekisa still on this show? Is she f*cking a producer? Is she a relative of Jaclyn's? Obviously, she's a shitty hair stylist.

Nekisa protests Vo thinking she should stick to cutting the hair of coma victims. Nicole makes a "Nekisa is one sad bitch" face from around her eye baggage. Charlie's creation is so ugly, but he makes the top two. And he wins it. Dee calls Vo's call "bullshit" and implies that Kim might be a crackhead. I don't think a crack pipe could penetrate those earthworm lips. The pipe would be too scared. It would be like "I'm usually very into this sort of thing, but I don't want my glass edge touching whatever the f*ck those are."

Jaclyn calls Nekisa out and asks her what her friggin' problem is. I love this portion because Heidi Klum does not give a shit what the designers have to say over on ProjRun. Jaclyn (or the producers) want to start some shit. Charlie's main angel explains that criticism helps us grow. Nekisa's client is like "oh oh, should I move?"

Nekisa actually cracks a funny by saying she's a giant now because she's grown so much from the criticism. Shitty hairstylist but at least she can laugh at herself. Daniel is scared to go back to the house. Charlie sits there and immediately starts clownin' on Nekisa and he does this neck movement like a fat, girlish weeble snake. I understand hate crimes now.

Daniel mentions how losing is taking its toll on Nekisa. Charlie actually gets off a good one when he asks her if she has to be at the porn awards tonight. God, I hate when he's funny. Nekisa and Charlie go at it. Nekisa's got one leg to stand on seeing as the other one is shit drunk. Charlie seriously wants to be her.

The stylists roll up and there's a speaker box! Rene is Bosley! It would be better if Rene could actually do the Charlie's Angels schtick in a discernible accent. Jaclyn looks hot today! Charlie loved Charlie's Angels. No, really? They have to work in teams of two! And they have to reconstruct Charlie's Angels' hair but modern! Oh my god!

Charlie is pairing up all of the teams. Ugh. He also gets to be a roaming stylist! What? Jesus, the carousel horse wasn't that good! Charlie plays mastermind and he's got a total boner right now. Dee thinks Charlie is being nice, but Charlie, in fact, is trying to tear people apart and put friends at each other's throats. Because he's like that.

Rene comes out to say things in an alien language. Nekisa wants Dee to understand her vision. Oh Nekisa, just let the lesbian who can actually cut hair lead the way. Paulo's scared of Daniel's affinity for big hair. Glenn suddenly decides Nicole is a good hairdresser even though she cut her ass up last week for not knowing how to cut hair.

Nicole left the bags at home, but she's blotchy today. And she doesn't want anyone looking like Betty White. They should be so lucky. Daniel is pleasantly surprised by Paulo and start talking about taking down vagina. These gays are misogynist. Someone needs to call N.O.W. Now.

Nekisa says that Kate Jackson wasn't sexy. Uh, Kate Jackson has more sexy in her eyelash than you have in your big silicone tits! Nekisa looks blotchy, too. Was there some sort of allergic reaction going on? I blame the sinks!

Glenn looks blotchy, too! And she's unimpressed by Dee and Nekisa. Blotchy and unimpressed! Dee tells Nekisa that her Sabrina hair in unacceptable. And she's just "refining" it when she cuts it again. The chick's going to be bald, you short ass control freak.

Hair Show! Seriously, how do I install that scissors stage in my own apartment? The landlord will learn to love it. KATE JACKSON IS HERE! Dee gets turned on. Follow the drip! Kate's had some work done, either that or she drank herself into a stroke at one point.

Clients pose like Angels and walk! Kate is hammered right now and admits she can't recall anything that went on 30 years ago. Dee shows herself as a control freak. And then everyone dogpiles on Nekisa's Farrah. People are actually turning to Charlie for his opinion. "I hate it," he replies. Nekisa could have invented the Rachel and he'd still hate it.

Dee wouldn't stand behind ANY of the Farrahs. Whoa! Nekisa says that Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson wear their hair like her Farrah. Kim Vo loses himself some potential clients when he pronounces those "country" bitches to be "dated."

Daniel and Paulo get screwed. Kate tells some drunken story about how she hated Jaclyn and Farrah. People are like bowing and scraping to CHARLIE. God, why would you build some more ego scaffolding for that bitch. No one seems to like anyone's efforts. I want to drink with Kate sometime. Jaclyn's hating. What did she want? Your hair was cheesy back then!

Kim Vo says that Paulo not teasing his client's hair was like giving a midget flats. There should be a protest. Jaclyn asks Kate if she would wear any of these styles, Kate, who looks like she rolled out of her dumpster for this appearance at the promise of alcohol and money, says no.

It's time for the judging. Jaclyn tells the clients that they sucked this week. Daniel is crushed. Have a mint julep and hold onto your I Love Lucy doll. AND THERE'S NO WINNER THIS WEEK! HOT! This is cool.

Nekisa and Glenn are in the bottom two. And shockingly, Glenn goes home. Whose balls does Nekisa have in her purse? Did she kidnap someone's child? I'm floored! The stylists are floored. Like orgasm faces. Even the judges know that this was the most-f*cked up decision ever. Jaclyn's like "so Nekisa must give good head, huh?"
I actually didn't mind Glenn. Which means she was one of the less horrifying people.

Next - Squids. Charlie trashtalks Dee. Punch him in the ankle, Tiny Sappho!