America's Got Talent - The Auditions Never End! (Episode 306)

Once again, America's Got Talent is in the Big Apple, and Jer-ry promises it's the for the "last time." First up is 49-year-old Perry Zanett, who claims to be the "world's greatest actor" - I'm sure he's not, and the novelty king costume can pretty much attest to that (is anyone else really wishing they'd get to the honest-to-God talent already?) He's doing a Shakespearean monologue. God help us. Piers speaks for all of us when he tells Perry "can we just get on with it?" He's already exasperated and Perry hasn't even started. And, just as he gets started, Hoff buzzes him. The crowd hates him and he soon gets buzzed by Sharon and Piers, who calls him "a complete waste of space." Ouch. Perry says "it takes one to know one" and then says that Hoff was out-acted by a car. Way to tell 'em, Per!

If that wasn't bad enough, Jer-ry now informs us that the auditions are about to "take a turn for the worse." Uh-oh. Meet "Inflatable Theater," a man in a fabric box (like last week's inflatable mascots, but he's pretty much a cube. He teetered around the stage for a minute until getting buzzed. Piers said his act was "fine for about ten seconds if you have the mental age of a two-year-old." Wow, the judges are cranky today! Next up, Sweet-Lou Fusco, a "vocal and visual experience that can never be duplicated." I'm not feeling good about this one either. He makes a feeble, and I do mean feeble attempt to sing and dance to Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough." Stop, please. Just stop. I've had enough. So have the judges. Jer-ry was 100% correct, things can't possibly get any worse. Oops, spoke too soon, we now have "The Power Team," a group of motivational speakers. They should be buzzed on principle alone. Their act includes a man playing "Red Rover" with a flaming log and then running into a bunch of ice blocks. Piers asks "You're all cmpletely bonkers, aren't you?" Then, it's "Seed and Feed" a "marching abdominal", which amounts to a ton of people on stage in wacky costumes, some playing band instruments, but most of them just flailing around. Poor 62-year-old Anita Aloha also doesn't make the cut with her "balls on strings" act (I know they're called something in Hawaiian, but I have no idea what.) The act hoping to turn things around is the duo "Fun with Hand Shadows." Yup, hand shadows. It's actually one guy doing the shadows and another guy announcing what he's doing (a cushy gig.) It's actually more entertaining than I thought it would be, as the guy did pretty convincing shadow puppets of Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, JFK and even the Pope. The crowd leaps to their feet and the men are unanimously sent to Vegas by the judges.

The cavalcade of "talent" continues with 25-year-old warehouse assistant Xavier Lewis (who I saw on the "Today" show this morning, so I already know he's talented.) He wants to make a better life for his family, which includes an infant son who looks like the lead singer of Fishbone. Dude looks like a star, and he's even got a stage name, X.L. I don't know what he's singing, but he's pretty damn good. He gets love from the audience and Sharon falls in love again. Hoff said he put across a "beautiful vibe." Piers said he preferred his version of the song to John Legend's (oh, it was one of his songs.) And yeah, he's moving on.

Finally, the final stop of the audition tour - Los Angeles! I don't understand why they split up the auditions like this - they haven't been going back and forth to these cities. Who knows? And tonight's first LA act are the drill squad the Texas State (ans in University) Strutters from "deep in the heart of Texas." The gals hit the stage complete with cowboy hats, boots and lots of hair. They're good, for a drill team (and they dance to a cover of the awesome Earth Wind and Fire song "September", but they have on way too many clothes to make it in Vegas. Regardless, they prove to be a real crowd pleaser (and a Hoff pleaser too.) Piers said they were a bit lax, but were "fun." Sharon thinks they need to be part of a production and really couldn't make a million in Vegas on their own (which is true.) Hoff votes yes, Sharon votes no and Piers says yes. Softie. Next up is 10-year-old hip hop dancer Shakes. He was way better than the Strutters. He's also moving on - along with the high energy dance troupe The Awakening and the Georgia Force (Arena Football League) cheerleaders. Cheerleaders in Vegas? Well, that's my husband's fantasy fulfilled. Hoping to ride on the wave of successful dancers in 31-year-old Ronny B. It looks like the tide is out for ol' Ron. He sings and dances (if you can call it that) to Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" - it feels like it went on that long as well. Sharon asks him where he usually performed and he said "the bus stop." Hoff said it was "scary" and "the worst act he ever saw." Piers said there was something "weirdly entertaining about him." Uh-uh, is Ronny B this season's Boy Shakira? Sharon notes that he looks like a shrunken Marc Anthony and calls him "a weird little man." At voting time, Hoff says no and Sharon and Piers have definitely found the new Boy.

It's time for the most dangerous stunt ever performed on American television, courtesy of father and son snake handlers Robert and Daryl Ackerman (a/k/a "The Snake Kissers") and two coolers filled with cobras. Their stunt is called "the kiss of death", where the boys rile up the cobra, so it raises its hood and is ready to attack - after which the father will kiss it on the top of its little reptilian head. Who came up with this act? The snake attacks an already venom-covered hat for a while and Dad finally kisses the snake (yes, literally. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!) Piers doesn't see the point of the act. He said if the snake killed one of them, then it would be entertaining. They will not be moving on, as no one would pay to see two men smooch snakes for an hour in Vegas. Sorry, guys.

Once again, we have a hopeful who feels like he could follow in the footsteps of last season's winner, Terry Fator. Tonight, it's 42-year-old ventriliquist Michael Harrison, whose great-grandfather was a ventriliquist in vaudeville. Michael pulls a reluctant volunteer out of the audience to act as a "human puppet." His act is cute and kind of funny (although I suspect that the "audience volunteer" may have been a plant), but he's no Terry Fator. I am looking forward to seeing more of Michael in Vegas, however (because you know he's moving on. I even saw Piers laughing.) Piers thought he managed to successfully endear himself to the audience and the judges with his audience participation bit, and Michael is moving on.

How can the auditions end any other way than with the episode-ending sob story of the week/triumphant performance? This week, we meet 40-year-old single mother Queen Emily, unable to pursue her dream of singing because of her full-tme mom duties. She grew up as a child singing in the projects and her life still has its struggles, but she's ready to get back out there. She sings a strong, powerful rendition of "Chain of Fools," which prompts Hoff to jump to his feet. Piers maintans his perpetua-smug face through her whole song. The crowd loves her. Hoff was "knocked out" and declares her "awesome." Emily starts to cry (they all do.)  Sharon says she has "unbelievable talent." Piers was actually wowed by Emily's voice and said she had a great chance of winning the competition. Tears of triumph abound as Emily heads to Vegas.

Ok Jer-ry deceived us. Next week, there are even more auditions. Come on! They promised they've "saved the best for last" (like another Ozzy Osbourne impersonator) and assure us in two weeks that everyone's heading to Vegas for their chance to make the top 40. I'm trusting you, Jer-ry. I can't deal with much more sub-par talent!