Greatest American Dog - He's a Farter, Not a Fighter (Episode 102)

Believe it or not, the premiere of "Greatest American Dog" last week was a ratings winner for CBS. If I wasn't recapping it, I probably wouldn't watch it anymore, as the show seems to put more emphasis on the owners, rather than the dogs. Anywhoo...this week, we're going to try and move on after the fabulous Michael and Ezzie went home. David and Elvis have already spent a week in the outdoor dog house and can't wait to go inside. David says Elvis isn't the "outdoorsy type." He's a dog, you're a wealthy retired doctor, I think it's you who aren't the outdoorsy type, David. Don't blame your cute pooch. David says Elvis is a "social butterfly" and can't wait to make friends in the house (he's already quite adept at the whole butt-sniffing thing. Elvis doesn't seem to like bulldog superstar Tillman, and the two have a little scrap. This sits the wrong way with Ron, especially because David did nothing (including tell him), claiming he didn't see anything. Yeah, right. Puppy Elizabeth Berkeley was just trying to push doggy Gina Gershon down the stairs there (sorry for the indulgent "Showgirls" reference there, I'm just tryng to make my own fun here.) Tillman ended up with an eye injury and J.D. led the attack on David. Wisely, David heads back to the dog house, while everyone else talks badly about David and Elvis. In describing his pooch, whose tussle with Elvis was his first scrap ever, Ron delivered the line that ended up being the title of the episode. Cute, Ron.

Even though he said he didn't have to, David spent another night in the dog house. Ron says he's worried that Elvis has Tillman's "number." David apparently deals with "drama" better in the morning. When he comes in, Ron asks him whose room he had been planning on sleeping in and he said he would have shared a room with Ron and "aw shucks" Bill. Ron suggested they take the third bed and put it in the living room. David isn't thrilled with the prospect of sleeping out in the open but, hey, dude, you kinda brought it upon yourself. Ron said he didn't want to chance Tillman getting hurt and volunteered to move himself out of the room. David told Ron he might as well sleep out in the dog house if he wants to avoid another incident. Way to make friends, David.

Gee, tensions are starting to run high among the competitors, Kenji lunged at Star when the gang assembled outside to learn about their next challenge. Laurie noted that she and her Maltese Andrew had a trust-based relationship and never would bully her dog like Elan did when she reprimanded Kenji. Of course you wouldn't. You have a Maltese, Elan has a giant Schnauzer. Jarod tells the owners that this weeks challenge is called "Doggy Boot Camp" and focuses on obedience. The dogs and owners line up and have to complete a series of commands. The dogs who don't execute the commands properly are eliminated and the last dog standing wins the golden bone and gets to inhabit the fancy schmancy suite. The first command is "come" - the owners have eight seconds to get their dog to come to them. Everyone seems to be good, except Elvis, who runs around the yard. Obviously, he's out. The remaining owners have 10 seconds to make their dogs sit. For such a canine celebrity-type, Bella Starlet doesn't do obedience too well - and she and Beth Joy are out. Next up, the owners have seven seconds to walk around their dog in a sit/stay. My dog can do all of these things - and she is scared of cardboard. Big whoop. Teresa doesn't make it around Leroy in time and she's out. Upping the level of difficulty, the next command is shake, which the dogs have to do with their right paw. 10 seconds - let's go. Ron, Elan, Laurie and J.D. are out. He and Galaxy are going to have to move out of the suite. Now, the final four have 10 seconds to get their dog to move backwards. This proved too much for Brandy and Beacon. It's down to Star, Preston and Presley. They have five seconds to get the dog to circle to its right. Bill and Star don't make it, so it's between Preston and Presley - the first dog to circle to its left and then its right wins. Go Presley. Hunky Travis wins with his puppy. Travis then gets to choose who ends up in the dog house and he picks J.D. to go from "riches to rags." Everyone else is glad he's getting knocked down a few pegs. J.D. claims he's looking forward to the experience. Suuuuree....Laurie was impressed that Travis invited everyone into the suite for a mini-party. Cute and gracious - and a dog lover? Aw, Travis, you've won my heart.

Meanwhile, "veteran camper" J.D. and Galaxy settle into the dog house. Not surprisingly, no one comes to bring him anything from the house to make his stay more tolerable. "Aw shucks" Bill writes in his journal. I can't believe this man journals. Oh, his wife bought it for him. He's been married for 37 years. Gotta do what you've gotta do in a marriage that long, I suppose. Star was a gift from his wife and his son and he thanks God everyday for his canine companion. Bill gets teary-eyed, missing the missus and Ron comes in for some support and encouragement. Bill says that he's afraid Star will drag a lizard or snake in the house, as he's been known to do that at home. Foreshadowing? The next morning, Bill and Star are up bright 'n' early for a little morning recreation. Star takes off and all of a sudden, we hear a yelp. Bill suspects she's been bitten. Bill grabs his pooch and makes tracks for the emergency clinic. Oh no!

I'm worried about Star. So is Bill. He made it to the vet and it looks like Star got bitten on the ear. Fortunately, it's just a small wound, made not by a snake, but most likely a feral cat (or Elvis, perhaps?) Star will survive and is back in the game. Yay! Bill expresses his gratitude to the vet "Texas style" with a big hug. Bill and Star return to Canine Academy and fills everyone in on the situation. Star needs time to rest and calm her nerves before she competes again.

The next day, Jarod introduces the next "Best in Show" challenge, named "Pet-equitte." In the course of the challenge, the dogs will be tested on their mastery of sit/stay, leave it and heel. The dogs will be judged on the execution of command, manners and grooming. There's a twist, however. The dogs will be faced with a series of distractions as they attempt to execute the commands. Teresa doesn't like the idea of distractions, saying they clould be anything, even turkeys being thrown at them. Don't think you'll have to worry about that. The teams are "randomly" divided, with Elan, J.D., Travis, Laura and Beth Joy making up the first group and Bill, Ron, Laurie, Brandy, Teresa and David making up team 2. Travis is worried about the challenge, because young Presley is easily distracted. J.D. tries to configure the dogs so that they don't distract each other. He sees Kenji as trouble. The second team seems most worried about the presence of Elvis. Brandy runs back and forth in front of the dogs, testing their distraction level. They all look like they'd rather be anywhere else. Elvis is already getting distracted, and Bill's not having it. You go, Bill. Back in group 1, Kenji is still being rambunctuous and Elan is barking at her. Beth Joy is worried about having such a big dog around Bella as she just had hip surgery. Presley is being a good dog - I'd behave too for Travis. I'm just saying. Elan's doing a lot of yelling.

Later that night, the gang gets a letter. Elan (really loudly) reads it to everyone. The judges have invited everyone to the grand opening of "Bone Appetit" - a restaurant in the Best of Show Arena. Proper dress required. It's the grooming/manners part of the challenge. Beth Joy is excited because she says Bella Starlet is always "red carpet ready." Everyone goes to the "groom room" to get ready. Spastic or not, that Elvis is one cute pooch. Star sports a brand, spankin' new bandana. Bill's worried that Star is still feeling the impact of her earlier injury. Ron's not feeling confident about Tillman and says if his dog runs off the stage to sniff another dog's butt, "That's my dog."

The players arrive at the arena, where they are greeted by Jarod and the judges Victoria, Allan and Wendy. First up, the contestants have to parade their dogs in front of the judges' table, so they can check out the grroming and see how well the dogs heel. One by one, the owners drag their dogs by the judges. Beacon seems to be the only one in her group to have a hard time with heel. The dogs are then tested on "leave it" - when presented with their favorite food, they have to leave it alone. Tillman seems to be having a hard time resisting a steak. Leroy and Andrew are pros. Tillman is looking wistfully at the steak, but manages to leave it alone. Good dog. Lastly, the dogs have to demonstrate their "sit/stay" while their owners get up and stand behind them and then walk around the table. Everyone's worried about Elvis, but he remains still for the whole challenge. Victoria thought everyone was "outstanding." Allan complemented Laurie on her heel. Victoria commended Tillman on his appetite control. Allan told David his switching of his hand during hand signals was distracting. Wendy gave props to Teresa and Leroy. Bill's abundant "good girls" to Star also got high marks from the judges. Allan called Brandy out and said she should have used an audible command with her dog.

The next group takes the stage. Everyone does a decent heel. Wendy gave Travis the eye. Back off lady, he's mine! The waiters bring out the dogs' food and Kenji is barking and being a nuisance in general. Most of the dogs checked out the food but left it, with Presley having little bit of a struggle. Elan's repeated "Ah! Ah!" yelling at Kenji was annoying to Victoria (and me) and distracting to the other dogs. During the sit/stay part of the challenge, Kenji remained on the pedestal until Elan made her way around, but then took off. Things aren't looking good for Kenji. Allan told J.D. he had a good heel, but thinks he needs to "loosen up." Victoria told Travis it took a big man to talk baby talk to his dog during the challenge (he called Presley "poopers" - I call my dog the same thing!) Wendy loves Preston's "lion cut" and the fact that he couldn't take his eyes off his owner, Laura. Victoria is concerned that Elan is "stressing out" Kenji - and the judges. Victoria did a spot-on impersonation of her. Allan chastised Beth Joy for putting her dog in a dress. I love Allan. He says dogs already "come in a fur coat and don't need extra layers." Beth Joy scrambles for an excuse and the best she can come up with was that she shaved Bella down and dressed her up so that she wouldn't get sunburned. In an indoor arena at night. No one's buying it. It's a pretty paw-thetic excuse (sorry.) And then, Beth Joy starts with the waterworks, saying that she feared Bella would never have use of her left leg again prior to her hip surgery. Oh, brother. I can hear J.D.'s eyes rolling. The judges are left to deliberate. Beth Joy is confident she's not going to be in the bottom three.

The pair deemed "best in show" this week are Bill and Star. Pity vote. Just kidding, Bill has really grown on me. The bottom three are announced - Elan and Kenji, Beth Joy and Bella Starlet (ha!) and David and Elvis. Travis enchants me another week! Victoria says that dogs respond better to a benevolent leader and that Elan has the makings of one harsh leader. Wendy says Bella's dress prevented them from being able to see how Bella was groomed. Beth Joy piped up and said it was a "fancy dinner party" and said she was going to dress Bella up, dammit. She said at home, she never dressed the dog up. I strongly doubt that. She and Wendy get into it. Beth Joy said she was happy with her "creative choice" and Wendy reminded her that "a dog is not a Barbie doll." Jarod announces the big losers - Elan and Kenji - in the least surprising ending ever. If they could send Beth Joy and Bella home as well, I wouldn't complain. At least we don't have to hear "Ah! Ah!" anymore. Next week, Elvis tries to find a friend, Brandy loses it and Laura makes a move on Travis - through Presley. Well played.