America's Got Talent - Los Angeles, New York and Chicago Auditions (Episode 302)

Last week, 24 million people watched the first round of auditions and tonight promises even more "amazing" auditions as Sharon, Piers, Hoff and "the toughest audience in the world" mine La-La Land, the Big Apple and the Windy City for talent. First stop is LA - but before the "talent", we have to introduce the judges. Piers says he's looking for "a winner to join the greatest legends in entertainment history." Pretty lofty ambition there, Piers. First up is 55-year-old part time nanny Victoria, clad in a fairy outfit. She's a singing fariy. Sure she is. Hoff's a bit baffled to see her on the stage. She only got a few words of "When You Wish Upon a Star" before Piers buzzed her. The crowd obviously didn't like her and neither did Piers, who called her "weird." 18-year-old Daniel Avila sings an original composition called "Wherever You Are" and compares himself to Luciano Pavarotti. He sounds like Luciano sat on him. Also included in the "loser montage" (to the tune of "Beat It") are "musician" Ken Butler, playing an instrument that looks like a cross between a tennis racket and a rifle. Polina and her mother did an act that is indescribable. Mom tickeld the ivories while Polina, dressed as a man, moved cymbals around. It was awful.

26-year-old musician Eli Mattson has a dream and traveled two days to LA for the audition. He has the typical hard-luck story (singing in bars for bus fare, struggling to get by, etc.) and his aunt says his singing moves her. He sings "Walking in Memphis" - quite well. He sounded a little like Elton John. I think they put electric buzzers under the seats in the theater - the crowd pops up simultaneously for no real reason quite often on this show. Needless to say, Eli was a hit and is Vegas-bound.

Purple-haired 27-year-old bartender Cassie says her talent is "different." Her stage name is "Miss Pussykatt" and does a "grinding act." Since this is the "family hour", she's keeping her clothes on (sorry, Hoff) - she uses an industrial grinder to crate sparks on metal plates on her costume. Sharon is fascinated. Sparks literally fly out of her ass. Hoff said she was "weirdly entertaining" and has "sparked his interest." Sharon's intrigued. She's off to Vegas. Hoff's in love.

Hurricane Katrina survivors (9th Ward residents) Lil Countrie and Page 1ne take the stage, after a bunch of footage of the hurricane-devastated Big Easy and a sad tale about an uncle lost to the storm. These are the guys that dance on their heads, as seen in the promos for the show. As you can well imagine, their high-energy dancing and acrobatics won over the crowd and the judges. Hoff said they were the best "tumblers" he'd ever seen. Piers says they're an early favorite to take it all, so they're (obviously) moving on.

The search for talent moves to New York City (gee, LA only had 30 minutes worth of talent - that's a surprise.) Limo driver Michael is a "young 57" and says he's an "extreme percussionist." He promises the "greatest drum show on earth", which he calls "Drumtazia." He reminds me of Regis Philbin with all of his yelling. Well, he's...umm...energetic. Not the world's best drummer either. Piers says it "didn't work" for him and calls him a "complete and utter loony" before sending him on his way.

    
The "family boy band" Next II None practice every day and refuse to give up on their dream. They sing "Bye, Bye, Bye" and, hey, they're good. Sharon says they don't have a "great lead singer" but likes their style. Piers liked their look and said they were "cool." Hoff says they're "pretty darn good." The Russian Bar is made up of two men who balance a 13 foot long pole on their shoulders while a lady bounces up and down on it - doing an impressive array of flips and acrobatic tricks. Jer-ry says this is the most life-threatening act ever performed on "America's Got Talent." They are also really good - the crowd loves them. Jer-ry enthusiastically says it's the most exciting act he's ever seen. The judges loved them and Hoff said they were perfect for the show, so they're also off to Vegas.

We get a little tribute to the judges, and Piers and David squabble about who gets the biggest crowd reaction. According to Jer-ry, Sharon is the most beloved judge, especially to 49-year-old Michael, an unemployed Ozzy Osbourne impersonator. He was excited to meet and perform in front of Sharon. Her face when she sees Michael, a/k/a "The Ozzman," takes the stage is classic. His rendition of "Crazy Train" is pretty bad. Sharon buzzes him pretty early, as does Hoff. Piers, enjoying torturing Sharon, refuses to hit his buzzer. Sharon says he sounds nothing like Ozzy, but Piers disagrees. He adds that he's better looking than the real Ozzy. He loves taunting Sharon. Michael refuses to give up on his drream and vows to return next season. The Taubl family is up next. Another family band. Sigh. They're talented, but I so don't see this squeaky-clean brood performing in Sin City - especially playing "The Sound of Music." Piers hits his buzzer during the start of their song and almost scares one of the young boys completely out of his seat. They're okay, I guess. Their singing saved them. The judges give them a pass to Vegas, but I don't see them moving on much further.

Next up is the DC Cowboys Dance Company. They emphasize "sexy, masculine movement" while all channeling the cowboy from The Village People. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) The leader of the bunch describes them as "Brokeback meets Broadway." Sweetie, I think we already had that figured out. My husband actually predicted that they'd dance to "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," which shows how predictable their act actually is. They're cute, and do rock those jeans - I wouldn't mind "converting" a few of them - but they really didn't do much I haven't seen in a country bar. Hoff singing along with the song was slightly more entertaining. The judges and the crowd loved them - especially Sharon - and sent them to Vegas, not before Hoff reminds us for the umpteenth time that he's straight.

With the NYC auditions out of the way, a drag queen welcomes us to that toddlin' town, Chicago. 39-year-old Kevin Taylor is going to perform what he feels is one of the most dangerous stunts ever attempted on the show. He's the world's fastest brick-breaker. He's been working on this for his life. He takes the stage and says he's going to break 1,000 pounds of concrete - 100 bricks that have been set on fire. Jer-ry says he's broken his hand in the past attempting to do this. It's impressive, especially when his hands catch fire, but again, what would this guy do for an entire Vegas act? Hoff's stunned, as was Piers. He liked his spin on martial arts and how he made it entertaining. Sharon said she was worried for his well-being and didn't want to move him on and said "no", eliciting a round of boos from the crowd. Piers is worried he'll do the same thing again, but after Kevin promising a new act (that frankly, sounds impossible) he sends Kevin and his flaming bricks to Vegas.

38-year-old Chellena is a realtor and a vocalist. Her husband says her voice "moves" him (haven't we heard that before?) Chellena was diagnosed with cervical cancer but has been cancer-free for a year now. Dreams of fame? Check. Obligatory sad story? Check. Now, let's hear her sing. She's got a big voice and is pretty good, singing a blues number a capella - which is tough. The crowd went crazy. Hoff calls her voice an "amazing instrument." Piers thought she was good, not great, and says they've already put through better singers. Sharon agrees, but says she sings with "a great deal of heart." Chellena wins over Piers and she heads off to Vegas.

51-year-old magician Johnny O. thinks he's got what it takes for Vegas. He fumbles around with some balls and is quickly dispatched. And now, the bad magician montage - Dan the Magic Man pretends to rip the head off a dove (a tribute to Ozzy?), Dorian had some technical difficulties and his bird flew away, Dennis Keith demonstratges his abilty of self-levitation and as the chair is pulled out from under him, he hits his head. Was that supposed to happen? I'm honestly not sure. I also can't figure out if Becky Blaney is doing magic or a bad comedy routine. She's having problems with the rings and, at the conclusion of her act, gets a ring hooked on her bra. Oh, it is (supposed to be) humor. Sigh. Bizarro does "demented magic", which invloves lighting his crotch on fire. Next up are the husband and wife team of the Pendragons, who I have actually heard of before. They have been doing magic for 30 years, but had been sidelined after a trick went awry and the male half of the duo ended up with an arrow through his heart. Yikes. They did a cool trick, where he locked himself in a box and magically switched places with his wife/lovely assistant. Piers likes that he's "suffered for his art." They're heading (back to) Vegas as well.

It's time for more tribute acts - Rob Caudill looks a bit like Rod Stewart (but taller) but sounds nothing like him. CJ King did a horrible Cyndi Lauper impersonation as well. John Morgan looks like our soon-to-be out of the office (Thank God) president, but as Sharon said, his "material wasn't good, just like his (W's)." Steve Richards also attempted to sing like Elton John. That guy Eli sounded more like Elton without even trying. Make-up artist Tasha Long looked a lot like Dionne Warwick and lip-synched "Say a Little Prayer" but got buzzed. And you didn't have to consult with a psychic friend to figure out that Tasha was probably born Tony. I liked her/him anyway. So, of course, what would "America's Got Talent" be without an Elvis impersonator? Hey, at least 23-year-old Joseph Hall is emulating the hot "'69 Comeback Special"-era King. Yeah, he's hot and he does a mean Elvis, crooning "Hound Dog" and working that pelvis. But come on, does Vegas really need another Elvis impersonator? Not surprisingly, the crowd loves him. Piers says he usually hates Elvis impersonators but loved Joe. Sharon, of course, was enthralled, and says he could just stand there and move on. She says she has shoes older than him but would like to "try him on." What would Ozzy say?

Next week, "America's Got Talent" visits Dallas and my favorite town, Atlanta, Ga. Here's hoping for more attractive guys - Elvis or not, ending on Joe was a great pick-me-up. See you next week.