30 Rock: Cooter (Episode 215)

I can't believe "30 Rock" is over. 15 measley episodes and we're done until fall. What am I supposed to watch until then? I finally saw "Iron Man" today, and it was freaking AWESOME. Maybe I could watch that every Thursday night from now until the third season premiere?

Goregasm: The Legend of Dong-Slayer

Tracy and Frank have been hard at work on Tracy's porn video game. Once they've got the voiceovers, care of Grizz and Jenna, recorded, and an "Additional Filth By" credited to an appreciative Frank, the only thing left to do is test. So to whom does this responsibility fall? Frank, of course, which is just as well, as everybody else has their hands full, so to speak. And Jack?

"Jackie boy."

Jack, as the newly appointed secretary of "Homeland Security, Extreme Weather Preparedness, and the War on the Poor", is paired up with Cooter Berger, a bureaucrat stuck in an office with a leaking ceiling and no pens. Only that's no leak, as there was a report and no such leak exists. The meeting with the House Appropriations Committee gives Jack a chance to shine -- its members are moved by his speech asking for hope, change, and pens. So much so that they come through with a box of pen caps. When his old assistant Jonathan calls to say that Don, still in his coma, uttered "Jackie Boy", Jack tries to find a way to get back to New York. An old bill authorizing a "gay bomb" may do the trick, as long as Congress passes it with some prodding from old girlfriend C.C.

"Kenneth, I see myself in you."

Kenneth applies to be a page at the Beijing summer Olympic Games. Will he make the deadline with a kick-ass personal essay? Of course, as long as his DVD is Jenna singing her original piece "Kenneth, I see myself in you." and Pete employing his archery skills to ensure that Kenneth's path to glory is unencumbered by evil, rival pages.

"If it's a boy, Morpheus."

Liz desperately wishes she could talk to Jack. Not because she may be addicted to Sabor de Soledad chips but because she's pregnant according to the four pregnancy tests she took. And worse yet, the baby is not Floyd's but Dennis'. Though Dennis promises to be a total pain now that she's having his baby, she wants to have it anyway. Too bad Kathy Geiss is as effective a sounding board as she is chairperson of the board. Which is to say, not at all. She leaves phone messages that Jack, in his madness, doesn't get until very late. But it's just as well -- turns out she's not pregnant after all. Those damn chips contained expired bull semen which, it seems, gives false positives in pregnancy tests. But no matter -- Liz, still on the baby track, wants to go ahead with adoption. Jack shows up at her apartment to tell her he will help -- no not like that, dummy, with the adoption.

Three Months Later

• While Jack may still be in DC, at least he and Cooter get the gay bomb to the Pentagon for a demo. That demo goes homo, though, when the gas escapes and the officers become gentlemen, if you know what I mean. Heh heh heh.
• Frank spent the last three months playing the video game. So yeah, I'd say it was a success.
• Beijing clearly agrees with Kenneth, who is all loved up with a Chinese cutie. But what do we make of the tough guy who breaks into their love den bradishing a gun?