Numb3rs: End Game (Episode 415)

Welcome to our second eppesode named after something in chess. Either that, or this eppesode is named after a Samuel Beckett play but I’m going to assume it’s chess as there’s no old couple living in garbage cans. Although, I do have to write the snarky equivalent of an analytical paper on it, so maybe it is the Beckett play after all.

Before we begin, we get some previouslies. If you’re wondering what this Clay Porter thing is all about, click here, unless you get easily grossed out. (Can I just point out that I find it appropriate that the entire previously is done by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exposition?)

We begin in someone’s house (we aren’t told whose house) where a father and his two daughters are sitting around enjoying an evening with each others’ company. The youngest daughter, Jenna is baking some brownies. These aren’t just normal brownies, these are life saving brownies. If she hadn’t burned them, Jenna wouldn’t have been in the kitchen when two men with guns bust in, taking her sister, Laurie and her father from the living room. Nope, these extra special brownies (not like that) allow her time to hide up in the attic, and completely prevent these well-organized kidnappers from either noticing the brownies or the open attic door, as Jenna gets a good look at them. Considering what we find out they are later, this is a miracle. I’m crediting the brownies as I truly believe brownies are the solution to just about anything.

Before I move on, and I have to because none of this is funny, Jenna, with her good sense, and Laurie, who lies about there being anyone else in the house, are probably my favourite female guest stars this season. (Before anyone says anything, this category does not include Robin. Robin is my favourite guest starring female ever. Period. Capice?)

La Maison d’Eppes: Charmita’s come home from a movie that obviously didn’t have a clear ending, as Amita compares it to the finale of the Sopranos. They are immediately distracted from their film discussion by noticing something wonderful.

Okay, so not that, no matter how I try to influence the Nummy Awards.

Bill Nye Professor Waldie is there to help green up the house. He wants the solar panels to be mechanized, so that they follow the sun like a flower and to convert the furnace so that it too might get an ethanol subsidy. Sorry, I mean, alter the furnace so that it’ll burn corn. Hey, I do that all the time, whenever I make Orville Redenbacher’s in the microwave but that does shit-all for my heating bills!

In order to make this work, a 21 foot silo must be built in the backyard to house the corn. Alan’s started planning all this without Charlie’s permission. You know what this means?

They’re distracted from the battle by Larry (carrying a laundry basket), who is taking refuge in the house after he was banished from the monastery for bringing in beer and punching out Brother Theo. Umm, who are you and what happened to the pacifist, white food eating Larry? He turns to head out to laundry half of the math garage, dropping a piece of clothing.

Don’s love shack Apartment: We fade out on Larry’s piece of clothing, to Don’s shirt and *squee! Applaud! Stamp feet! Giggle!* Sorry, let me translate recapper squee: Don is there enjoying some “quality time” with Robin. That is, until his flipping phone vibrates. Seriously, Don, how many times do we have to have this discussion about keeping your phone on at inconvenient times? Things get even worse between Don and me when I see who it is that’s calling.

Liz reports the home-invasion and Robin asks about Liz and why she’s back with the team, Don, who doesn’t get redressed in the shirt lying on the floor, but pulls out a fresh one, claims that he’s short-handed. Well, last time I checked no one was leaving the team this week so how is he short-handed? More importantly, Robin and I both want to know what’s with the careful dressing when it’s the middle of the night.

Of course, there is another important question.

All I can hope is that Robin has been given a drawer of her own and that she’s putting much more than a hairclip in it.

Porter Residence: Liz reports that the victims are related to Clay Porter, the guy who killed the serial killers in “Thirteen” in vengeance for the death of his girlfriend. While both Laurie and Clay Porter sr. are gone, Jenna is left to explain things to the Fedcakes, who, is without David. Is that what Don meant by being short-handed? It’s not like they haven’t done without David before. I seem to recall a very long-seeming stretch in season three where I had to do without my pal for several eppesodes in a row – which, by the way is totally not cool.

Jenna is an excellent witness. She keeps her head, even though she’s upset and reports that they were three marines from her brother, Clay’s, unit.

Title Flash:

IHOF: Okay, David is present and accounted for, and giving us exposition about the three marines, one of who, Ryan Ferraro is on trial for killing a detainee. The other two and James Pinkney and Carlos Ruiz, were on leave but are now AWOL. While this is all fine and dandy, and great continuity with “Thirteen,” one question still stands:

Megan even provides the motive for the home invasion. Clay Porter Jr. was the one who reported Ferraro. Not only that, Clay is back in town and pissed. Considering what he did in response to the death of his girlfriend, I’m expecting some pretty gruesome parts I won’t be able to watch.

On the bridge outside the IHOF, Liz reports that Ferraro medically faked a heart attack, and I don’t care if it was faked or not, but whatever meds he took to do it, probably did some damage. Anyway, Pinkney, Ruiz and some helicopter flying dude, hijacked Ferraro’s ambulance and whisked him away.

Colby, with all his military experience, figures that the marines have to be using their training. That’s not fair! Colby’s now smart, making obvious statements like that make me want to get all snarky “no shit, Sherlock” but I’m going to control myself. Okay, then having him say, “Maybe Charlie will be able to slap it into one of those algorithmic, geo-profiling, hot zone hot pocket deals,” is beyond anyone’s level of self-discipline. In fact, Don and I both dare him to say that to Charlie and then we’ll have a good laugh while Charlie tries to punch him and Colby kicks his ass into next month. Come on, it sound mean, but also, doesn’t it sound bloody hilarious?

Cal Sci: Charlie’s already got a solution, he claims it was all done by some military dude, but personally, I think he’d already done all the math to give him an advantage in the never-ending House War. The audience-vision explaining it is done with strategy in women’s basketball and props to TPTB for not using a men’s team.

Of course, reminding us of Colby’s days in the army, he doesn’t think the answer will be quite so neat.

IHOF: Jenna’s brought pictures of her missing family to help identify them. Megan tries to comfort her but reminds her that her brother is going to wind up getting himself arrested. In a surprising move, Jenna doesn’t care. She’s angry that her brother did what he did as she sees no distinction between vengeance and murder.

Ferraro’s: His knows nothing about where he is. Nor does she care as she’s divorcing his bitter, abusive ass. You know, in the first half of the season, before the strike, the female guest stars were seriously irritating me. Now even the minor female characters are awesomely strong. I totally credit Robin. This is my recap. I can do that.

Cal Sci: Amita inadvertently rubs a bit of salt in the wound by talking about the silo (she corrects herself and calls it a granary, but I’m going to stick with silo) and Charlie hasn’t come up with the correct counter-attack, so he chooses to focus on the case at hand.

Unfortunately, they can’t as Larry’s doing his best impression of Eeyore.

He confesses that he’s sort of hoping not to find the Higgs-Boson. Oh, Larry angst, it’s so esoteric, isn’t it?

IHOF: I guess because it’s all about the military, Colby gets to do most of the exposition. What he’s learned is that Clay is armed (and dangerous), and has stayed in contact with his family. Unfortunately, Ferraro has also been in contact. Since they’re all using the prepaid cell phones, the Fedcakes can’t tell where they are, just the cell towers they’re hitting.

So now Charlie’s back in the picture. He’s tracking both Ferraro and Clay, and using the idea that Clay also needs shelter and poptarts for food, the Fedcakes now have to start checking convenience stores.

Poptart Market: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have found Clay buying his poptarts. Of course, SWAT isn’t available so they have to go in, alone, donned in Kevlar. I should be sad, or surprised, yet I’m neither.

As Clay exits the Poptart Market, a car drives by; whose lights make armed shadows of our Fedcakes. Clay heads back into the shop, followed by Guildenstern, who tells the clerk to leave. The clerk’s all “best idea ever” and hightails it out.

Colby gets crushed by a pile of pop cans in the Poptart Market and now Clay is on the run. Clay also gets one over on Colby by setting off a bottle of lighter fluid in the microwave, which, for some reason is just cleverly awesome to me. Regrettably, Clay knows nothing about Dylan Bruno’s wrestling days.

Once Clay gets the upper hand, he learns the hard way that there’s a reason I call Colby Guildenstern, there’s always Rosencrantz to back him up.

We head into commercial with flashes of Clay’s father being beaten. Not funny, moving on.

IHOF: Clay stonewalls Colby and Don, but I have to admit, I was distracted by Don wearing a hoodie. I’ve seen Colby and Charlie wear hoodies, but I think this is a new look for Don, isn’t it? If it isn’t, it’s a really rare look.

Don makes the decision to let Clay go, much to the chagrin of Colby and David’s confused by recent developments. First, Don kept somebody they couldn’t hold, and then lets a guy they could hold go. I suddenly realize what’s really going on and the hoodie was my first clue!

Now Liz hasn’t realized we’ve gone through the looking-glass as she confronts Don about his actions. She figures he’s “baiting the hook” to bring Ferraro out into the open. I can also tell he’s not entirely comfortable with his actions.

As Clay is escorted out of the IHOF, he’s confronted by Jenna, who thinks his ways of dealing with things are a crock of shit. She figures that he’s going to get their father and sister killed.

La Maison d’Eppes: Alan’s a little bit too gleeful about the granary having to be outside Charlie’s window, saying that everyone needs to sacrifice for the planet. Charlie, on the other hand, is not happy that he’ll be looking at a big ugly silo, instead of the koi because “Those koi and I have shared so much together.”

Charlie gets whiny, and Alan gets smug, and I’m wondering why Amita doesn’t just point out it’s Charlie’s house?

Poptart Market: Now that Clay can be out in the open, he chooses to taunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who are stuck tailing him. He even bought them food.

Robin’s Awesome Office: Don’s brought some penance, A tall caramel macchiato and a chocolate croissant.

Again, Robin proves she is much stronger than me. If a guy did that for me, I’d jump him then and there, but no, not Robin; she isn’t going to let a caffeinated beverage and heaven in the form of pastry get Don off the hook for playing fast and loose with the law. Don tries to snow her, making a joke that she needs to be protected, like last time and oh, Don, you just so crossed a line. Making a joke of her near death experience is definitely a high rating on the douche bag scale.

Robin is not amused by having the guy she’s sleeping with trying to pull one over on her.

Poptart Market: Clay taunts Colby and David by eating right in front of them. He also reveals that he’s looked up Colby’s record of service and comments that Colby, unlike Clay, fought in a “bad war when it was good.” Here is my first lesson in literary devices this eppesode.

Clay knocks his food off the car in what we’re supposed to believe is frustration but is really a chance for him to flatten the Fedcakes tires so he can get away.

IHOF: Liz has found the chopper pilot, a Jake Renner and that Ferraro’s wife really was in on the plan. I’m distracted by the fact that they’re going to have to start hiding Megan behind big desks as the loose blouses aren’t hiding the baby-bump anymore.

Renner’s: Liz and David find Renner dead in a tub and spot Clay driving away. Liz has got to be asking herself one question.

Ferraro’s: Megan confronts Mrs. Ferraro with the evidence and she folds like a cheap tent. Her husband sent her 50 grand from Iraq, and she helped arrange his escape. So now Megan’s got to be asking herself an important question.

Outside the IHOF: Autopsy revealed that Renner must have been shot by Ferraro, because Clay was in custody at the time. It’s a whole lot of walking and talking just to tell us that.

Cal Sci: Back to the Larry Angst, after a brief moment of discussion about how the case’s math isn’t working. He’s quitting the Higgs-Boson project for reasons he can’t explain. At first he claims that his ambition gave up on him, but Charlie, in what I believe is his greatest moment of insight on this show, knows the real reason.

You’re not worried that the discovery of the Higgs will lead you down a blind alley, just the opposite. You’re worried that like your super-gravity theory, like going into space it’ll end up being exactly what you envisioned it to be, nothing more.

IHOF: Liz reports that although they’ve found a lot of the lesser players, they’re nowhere near finding the big kahuna. This means that Don’s plan was a massive FAIL, and he’s waiting for Liz to rub it in his face. What’s great is that she takes the mature route – not only doesn’t she rub it in his face, but also she spends a moment explaining to Don why Robin’s so pissed, even if Liz isn’t.

First of all, Liz explains, Robin knows Don’s not telling her everything. Secondly, it is going to burn more when the person not telling you things is the person with whom you are sleeping. As much as Don doesn’t like to distrusted, that’s exactly what he’s doing to Robin, and that’s something a yummy bit of expensive coffee and a pastry equal to manna from heaven, can’t make up for.

Okay, Don comments that it’s ironic that he doesn’t like being distrusted but yet he’s doing it to Robin. Umm, Don, welcome to my second lecture in literary devices. Since trust issues are never unexpected when it comes to you, it’s not irony, in any way shape or form.

Charlie arrives, saving Don from any more painful self-reflection because Charlie’s on about the OUDA-loop again. I swear, every time he says that, I start thinking about Wonka’s little factory assistants. He’s sure there’s more to the game than he originally anticipated, taking Ferraro and Clay off-course. Again, back to the metaphor of the women’s basketball game where suddenly punting the ball and tackling are permissible.

Charlie doesn’t know why Ferraro wants to keep Clay alive, but the math says he does. Charlie knows the goal and the potential battlefields, but not the motive.

Random Dumpster: While Ferraro wants to keep Clay Jr. alive, Clay Sr. is a different story, as the Fedcakes pull his wrapped body out of a dumpster. With the body is a recorded message, with Laurie pleading for her life. It’s completely unfunny so I’m going to distract you with a random happy thought.

IHOF: In the bullpen, Clay Sr.’s murder has made the news and Colby’s still upset by the “good war” crack from earlier.

Colby’s feeling a bit of survivor’s guilt but David puts it into perspective. A lot of people get mixed up by a lot of things. All they can look at are “actions and motives” and not take everything else to heart. This gives Colby a Eureka moment even now; it’s still weird to say something like that about Colby. Renner, the pilot, was putting down money he shouldn’t have had. Therefore, where did he expect this money was coming from?

Later, after Colby uses his supersecret Pentagon sources, he has found out that the detainee Ferraro killed was hiding over a million bucks, and the 50 grand from earlier was all that was ever found of it. He tortured the detainee in hopes of finding the rest of the money. Because Clay spent so much time with the detainee before he died, Ferraro thinks he knows where the money is.

The problem is that Clay isn’t going to lead Ferraro to the money.

Morgue: Clay turned himself in to be able to say goodbye to his father. While Don watches, we learn that Clay Sr. was really one step below sainthood, spending his career defending his country. Because of his death, Clay’s now more than willing to help, but he never knew about the money. The problem is that he could never tell Ferraro that, otherwise there would’ve been two corpses in the dumpster. He’s now willing to confess to his crimes back in “Thirteen” if the Fedcakes can help him get his sister back. As this scene rates high on the not-funny scale, I’m wondering if maybe the lighting department was trying to be symbolic.

Cal Sci: David shows the Cal Sci Crew the message from Ferraro and Laurie. It completely creeps Amita out, which we can tell by her gestures, yet she refrains from turning this empathy into weakness. I’m just commenting on it because that’s a fine balance for a woman to play and Navi Rawat does a great job.

The Fedcakes are hoping Charlie can help with the background, as they’ve got the sounds of planes flying overhead. Maybe there’ll be some sort of equation to help figure out where Laurie is. Oh David, this is the Cal Sci Crew, so of course there is!

Now, since this doesn’t surprise us, what is the purpose of this scene? It’s a chance for Larry, who had his moment of doubt, to reassert his desire to find the Higgs.

Squee!Office: Yes, henceforth it will be known as the Squee!Office as whenever I see it, I squee. Yet another literary device lesson, that office just became onomatopoeic.

Don is there to finally tell Robin what she’d already figured out, he’s the one who let Clay go. The important thing is that Don was actually willing to do this, which means I must say something I never expected to say in the history of Numb3rs.

Robin isn’t a stickler in this case and supports Don’s decision. This is important because Don just learned that Robin’s more than willing to help him, if only he’ll tell her when he needs it. For example, he wants a plea deal for Clay, and she’s able to come up with several reasons, such as circumstantial evidence, coerced confession, and mitigating circumstances, that he should get it. See Don, Robin just continues to exude awesomeness, if only you let her!

After that, Don makes a confession, tantamount to a declaration of undying love from someone else. “In terms of us, I’m there. I’m ready to step up.”

So, just let me add some rational analysis to that point: SQUEESQUEESQUEESQUEEOMGSQUEE³!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perfectly rational, don’t you think? I even used a math term by making it to the power of 3. If we’ve learned one thing from this show, using math terms makes it of the utmost value.

IHOF: Charlie’s figured out where Laurie is being kept, but getting at the isolated building would be difficult. Clay volunteers, once again, to be bait.

Colby backs up the idea, and thus, Clay will be going into the pit of vipers, unarmed.

Hideout: Clay goes in unarmed, but wearing a very snazzy button-cam, allowing the Fedcakes to get a lay of the land. While the 3 marines are distracted trying to get the money’s location from Clay, the team sneaks up on the outside of the house. Again, with the lighting, we can’t really see Clay’s eyes. I think it’s supposed to symbolize how we can’t tell what he’s thinking, but we all remember what happened last time someone hurt a person he loved, so it’s not as if we can’t predict it.

David’s managed to sneak inside the house, and just like her little sister, Laurie impresses me as she’s able to stay calm when she sees him.

The cavalry arrives in an unusual way.

Liz is able to get to Laurie. David takes out Pinkney and Colby gets Ruiz. Don and the rest of SWAT enter and it’s a standoff better everyone else and Ferraro.

That just leaves Ferraro, and if you couldn’t see it coming, I don’t know how it couldn’t have been any more telegraphed. Clay moves a fraction to the right, allowing Don a clear shot, but that isn’t enough, Clay takes Ferraro’s gun and now the tables are turned.

Has Clay learned from what happened last time? Will he kill him? You know, up until this point, I could predict everything that was going to happen, but when Clay didn’t take the shot, I felt a little like Charlie would if someone ever told him that 2+2 equaled 12.

It’s Colby that has to step in to give the advice.

Clay lowers his gun, and Ferraro takes the opportunity to mock him, saying that he’ll see him in Leavenworth. With that, Clay shoots him in the knee, before giving up the gun. “That’s so I can hear you coming.” Hee! Who’s the bitch now?

IHOF: Clay, for everything that happened was only trying to do what he thought was right, even if he got it spectacularly wrong. Both Laurie and Jenna realize this, and the family is reunited, if only for a brief moment before Clay is taken to prison.

Colby, watching the family reunion, is now reflecting on his own lack of ties. Yeah well, being a supersecret spy (not theoriginalspy) can do that to a person.

La Maison d’Eppes: Charlie, with the help of Professor Waldie, has just come up with a better way to make the house more environmentally friendly, and to retaliate in the Eppes House War. The furnace will burn off of Pond scum, and, to make sure they’re completely off the grid, they’re going to build a windmill. Where might this windmill be built, you ask? Right outside Alan’s bedroom window.

Alan’s rather taken aback that his latest attack was countered with such force, and clearly, the battle of the epic heating methods, goes to Charlie. It’s such a crushing defeat that ballads might be written if I had the time to raise this mêlée to almost Homeric proportions if Homer wasn’t dead.

We also learn the fate of Larry, he’s welcome back at the monastery but will be staying in his office tonight for a “ritual restoration of peace and harmony.”

Don’s love shack Apartment: We finish where we started: Don who is wearing only a towel (and with two disrobed Don scenes in this eppesode, I’m expecting TPTB to pay for a lot of fangirls’ funerals – all of whom died form head explosions) is called into work while Robin is there. More interestingly, I’d like to report a theft.

She gives it back as he gets ready to leave. Again, it just has to be said, SQUEE! I love that my OTP is back and on course. There’s really nothing else I could want except for world peace and a pony.

Again, just like last time when David being all spectacular and paternal got overshadowed by my OTP, so does Colby’s angst. As the eppesode doesn’t end with the SS Don/Robin, it ends with Colby combining his army self with his Fedcake self. He pulls the pictures of his unit, including the originally moronic but ultimately heroic Dwayne, out of his desk drawer and proudly displays them on his desk.