Torchwood: Adrift (Episode 211)

You’ve got a face like a slapped ass.

Is it possible to ever get tired of Gwen being the butt of a joke?

Before I begin, I have to say thank you to my BFF Travellingone for taking over the snarking duties last week. I’d also like to thank her for her wish at the end of the recap. It’s almost like she knew what was coming! OMG, she’s psychic! It's important to give credit where credit is due. And she might actually tell everyone what was on that list I sent her last week, if I don't. Umm, yeah. What list? Really!

We open with a young teen named Jonah walking home. In a two-text conversation, we learn two things. 1) Jonah has a great relationship with his mom. 2) Jonah is 9 minutes late. It’s really rather sweet to see a teenager as having a good relationship with his parent, instead of being the emo-freak television tries to convince us is the right of every teenager that ever existed.
His mother can see him from her window, but as soon as she turns away a sudden wind rises out of nowhere. As this is the Whoniverse I have a moment of thinking “Yay! TARDIS10SQUEE!!” but then I remember this is Torchwood. Nothing good can happen as we see Jonah’s phone fall.

Techno Title.

I take that back about nothing good can happen. Why? It’s PC Andy! Have I mentioned how much I love PC Andy? Perhaps I’ve just been too subtle. I’d be more than happy to see him become a regular, or at least have as much screen time as Rhys.

Well, here are the completely unfunny stats about the missing Jonah Bevan of Penarth. He was born 15/02/93. He’s an only child to a single parent (as his dad isn’t in the picture) and he’s been missing for 7 months and 11 days. He disappeared without a trace. All they found is his cell phone. Seriously? That’s proof of the mother’s claim that no one was about at the time of the disappearance as an abandoned cell phone will disappear faster than Canadian beer in an American bar.

Now, as PC Andy is laying out the facts of the case Gwen looks like she’d rather be getting a colonoscopy. I’d totally take credit for the ass crack I just couldn’t not make that pun but PC Andy beat it with what I think is the best description of Gwen, ever. It was so good; I had to start the recap with it.

What’s the reason for Gwen’s sour face? She’s bitter PC Andy didn’t come to the wedding. Well, considering what happened to the DJ and the whole alien Jesus thing, perhaps Gwen should be grateful for small mercies. I’m not entirely sure retcon would work as well on PC Andy as it would on Brenda Williams.

But no, Gwen isn’t worried about the missing teenager. No, she’s come out to see PC Andy to yell at him about lying about being on duty. WTF? Who swapped Gwen’s character with first series Owen?

Even better, she confronts him about how he’s always had a problem with Rhys. What is the exact nature of the problem? Like every other man in the fricking Whoniverse (with the exception of my perfect fictional Welsh boyfriend, Ianto) he’s always had a thing for her. Hold on, she’s annoyed at someone for not coming to a wedding that involved not only man-eating aliens, but also might’ve been the one to make the snide “I bet it’ll last a year” jokes when they got plastered? I think I now know what Gwen really wanted to put on her invitations.

Although, if PC Andy had known about Rhys’s dispantia, I’m sure it would’ve made this scene, hilarious, instead of irritating.

Thus we get the start of a great motif that weaves its way through this episode: everyone getting a one-up on the self-righteous Gwen. It’s personal to PC Andy because not only has he developed a personal relationship (this may be Torchwood, but not like that) with Jonah’s mother, but also he feels Gwen is hiding something from him. See if you can spot the important differences in these two pictures.

There are times I like Gwen, but when she acts like a sanctimonious bitch, I laugh when she’s caught off guard. Plus, PC Andy calls Jack "Mulder." Hee!

Back at the Hub, our second one-up on Gwen comes from Tosh. Not only did Tosh check the date in question, but also expanded her search radius for both space and time and probably filled out all necessary reports in triplicate before Gwen could ask. There Gwen, Tosh may not be able to keep a potential love match alive for more than one episode, but she certainly doesn’t need you to tell her how to do her job. Yes, I am enjoying this probably a bit more than I should.

As for Jack, he flatly denies knowing anything about Jonah but he’s in a rush to go “Weevil hunting with Ianto.” Considering both Jack and Ianto’s enthusiasm over this particular activity, I’m guessing it’s a euphemism.

Although, I have to wonder, why is Jack putting on his belt at the beginning of this scene? There’s my gift to you fanfic writers. Give me a nice little vignette with that missing scene.

Over a caffeinated beverage in some dive of a diner, Gwen assures Andy that Torchwood isn’t involved.

He then goes on to accuse Gwen of becoming “hard” and her snotty answer just proves his point. What happened to Gwen being the “carer?” It got chucked out for the sake of this plot. He really turns the screws by reminding her that there’s a missing child and devastated mother involved and yet to Gwen, the case is unimportant. For a minute there, I thought he was getting all sanctimonious, but no, he’s actually playing her.

Want proof? When Gwen goes to see Jonah’s mother, Nikki, the mother was expecting her. Hee! Considering how often Gwen runs circles around everyone else: emotionally blackmailing Jack to make sure Rhys isn’t retconned subtly rubbing in Tosh’s lack of a love life, heck, on her first day mocking everyone else for not having a significant other, I’m so glad to see someone can make an ass out of her.

Nikki is a woman truly worthy of anyone’s respect. Since her son went missing, she’s watched hundreds of hours of crowd footage, hoping for a glimpse. She’s checked and rechecked everything. She’s so thorough in her own investigation and has used her time to start a support group; this is a woman I don’t have the heart to mock.

Oh, the golden opportunities to crap all over Gwen’s character just keep coming. It’s like manna from recapping heaven. She was supposed to be at home to discuss her future plans with Rhys; something she’s postponed four times already. I’m horribly disappointed that Nikki, who is desperately looking for help to find her son, was just an excuse for Gwen to have a conversation she doesn’t want to have. So she’s used a worried mother and is once again neglecting Rhys.

What’s this conversation supposed to be about? Babies. Considering Gwen’s tendencies towards self-absorption, I don’t think a baby would be a great idea. I can picture the 3am feedings now. “Sorry, sweetheart, but can’t you show a little sympathy for Mommy? Haven’t I done enough for you? I mean, I pushed you out of me, so the least you can do is let me sleep through the whole night. I mean, you won’t starve if I don’t feed you for another hour or two, would you? Can’t you see Mommy’s busy? Oh, and by the way, Duckling, do you mind not crapping yourself until tomorrow? I don’t want to get this shirt dirty.”

The conversation with Rhys goes like this: she tells him about Andy still fancying her and that she’s “a very sexy lady and you’re a very lucky man.” I take it back that Gwen’s acting like first series Owen.

Way to distract a guy from a serious conversation, Gwen, offering him a chance to get laid.

The next morning, it’s all about affirming Gwen’s awesomeness as she demands Rhys tell her that he loves her. She is bribing him with toast.

Wow, I think this was supposed to be a cute scene, and it would, if Rhys were the only one in it. Instead, it comes off as yet another chance for Gwen to stroke her own ego. You know, when Jack does it, it’s endearing. When Gwen does it, it’s irritating.

Yet again she ditches Rhys for work because Tosh, the brilliant, wonderful, underused black widow, has made a discovery. Even worse, she steals a piece of Rhys’s toast. I have no idea why that bugs me as much as it does but it’s just the last straw for me in this episode. Here’s Rhys, who truly adores her. He tries to make things easy on her, and really doesn’t give her too much of a hassle when she keeps skipping out on things. Hell, anyone who puts up with the wedding she put him through should go down in the annals of history as the world’s most tolerant partner. Yet, Gwen can’t even leave him with a piece of fricking toast? That’s it! I’m repossessing him for his own good and giving him to Travellingone. At least she’ll treat him properly and let him keep his toast.

Since I’m having such a hate-on for Gwen in this episode, Tosh is going to get all the love. Seriously, I want the shirt she’s wearing.

Plus, Tosh is the one moving the whole plot forward by finding a “negative Rift spike” and is now theorizing that the Rift not only leaves flotsam and jetsam, but takes things as well. Although, I hate to rain on Tosh’s parade because she is the only one to ever point this out, but we already knew the Rift took people. Try as hard as I might, I can’t forget Diane.

Tosh just needs other cross-reference with other examples to prove her hypothesis. I find it strange when Gwen asks her to not tell anyone about this theory, and then rushes off to Nikki’s support group meeting. It’s not like Tosh actually needs your help with this, Gwen, as she could probably figure it all out on her own, and build a better mousetrap, before you got back.

She brushes off PC Andy by insisting she doesn’t know why she’s there because he’s so rude. Umm, Gwen, aren’t you there for reasons other than being a genuinely caring human being? Aren’t you there for data collection and just to prove a point to PC Andy? Trying to make yourself look good does not qualify you for determining someone else’s rudeness.

“How’s Rhys,” PC Andy asks, “other than hungry?” I find this far funnier than I should since I just saw Gwen steal the food right out of Rhys’s mouth.

All right, there’s something about dorks that I find ultimately appealing, so when PC Andy tries to make Nikki feel better – because no one has come to the meeting, he says “If you build it, they will come.” For that, he earns a very rare adjective:

From me, that’s a serious compliment.

Fortunately, Nikki’s attempt at starting a support group isn’t futile as people start arriving like someone announced “free money” outside the hall. While it’s good that something’s going right in Nikki’s life, it sucks to see that many people with missing loved ones. That, and finally, Gwen, for interests outside herself, is interested in the case. I guess she just lives off of mass amounts of human pain and suffering now and the individual cases don’t affect her.

Gwen freaks out as she now thinks she has to help everyone but PC Andy is rational. Right now, she’s got to focus on Jonah, to keep her head clear, but now Gwen’s got what she needs – more data for Tosh to cross-reference.

Once Gwen goes over the data for Tosh, Gwen insists that Jack only be told once Tosh’s theory is proved correct.

Thus we get a montage of the Torchwood women cross-referencing all missing persons in Cardiff during the last decade, with negative Rift spikes. Bless montages; they’re so simple to recap. Eventually, Gwen puts little red stickers on a map of Cardiff, for each victim taken by the Rift. The map winds up looking like it has a case of Chickenpox. Now that the theory’s been proven, it’s time to tell Jack.

In the meeting room, Gwen lays out all the facts: Cardiff has far more missing people than anywhere else. All the people the girls cross-referenced were definitely snatched by the Rift. Except, Jack and his pesky logic, points out that although it’s a brilliant deduction, there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s not like they’ve got a TARDIS to hop into and say “To Raxacoricofallapatorius to pick up Jimmy from Splott.” Plus, they can’t predict when and where the negative Rift spikes would occur – therefore, there’s nothing to do and he shuts down the investigation. He stomps off when Gwen argues with him.

There are a few interesting points in this scene. The first is that Gwen, for all her arguing about “victims of the Rift” doesn’t have any workable solution. It’s not as if Gwen can go make an emotional appeal at the Rift and get the people back, so why is she arguing. Also, she gives credit to Tosh for cross-referencing everyone, but not for the initial idea. Bitch. Plus, the appeal to help those left behind just doesn’t jibe with the “it’s all about me” Gwen we’ve been seeing in this episode. It just comes across as her pretending to be morally superior.

The second thing is that for all Jack’s logic that there’s nothing to do, he certainly doesn’t play it cool by the whole “picking up his balls and going home” routine. It does give me a laugh when Ianto goes after Jack to “talk to him.”

Speaking of Ianto, he’s the only one to try to placate everyone in this scene, considering he knows what’s really going on. I didn’t even need to be told this later on in the episode, or the significant look at the end of this scene. If people don’t know by now that Ianto knows everything there is to know about Torchwood, then we should welcome them. I hope they’re enjoying their first episode.

As for Zombie!Owen, the only real contribution he makes to the scene, is a brief reference to the serenity prayer. I guess he would have to accept a few things himself.

The motif of pwning Gwen comes back with a vengeance in a brief but wonderful scene when Rhys finally calls Gwen on her selfishness. He’s trying to tell her an amusing story and she finds him irritating. Um, yeah, Gwen, he’s taking you out on a picnic. He lets you walk all over him. Well, the actual words (although there is a bit in there about the marriage not lasting long and how heroism is meant to allow people to live their lives) are unimportant; for the second time in a week, Gwen’s gotten one message loud and clear.

Yet, she still tries to bring it back around to her but Rhys doesn’t care. When she momentarily smirks at his declaration, I want to crawl through the screen and punch her. I can say that because I can’t crawl through the screen and I think, in real life, Gwen could totally kick my ass.

On the other hand, I can out snark her even after a lobotomy.

Now, there’s a little scene that follows the picnic one that you might have heard about. “Heard about” a phrase which here means “heard the squeeing of the entire fandom.” Now, I could probably write an entire 8000 word recap this 9 second scene. (Yes, I timed it. This scene is exactly two seconds longer than our last OMGHAWTBOYZ scene from “To the Last Man.” ) Well, I could, but I don’t think Recapist would like a recap twice the normal size recap.

Okay, so Gwen walks in on Jack and Ianto at a very inopportune time. There are only two things I can think before my brain explodes.

Now, a lot has been said about Captain Jack’s facial expression in this scene. Let’s just clear up the confusion now. The better the sex, the weirder your face looks. Therefore, Jack is definitely enjoying himself and he’s clearly pretty close to finishing. If you’re thinking too much about how you look, you’re doing it wrong.

Gwen leaves giggling like a teenager who just read their first romance novel sex scene. Nice, mature reaction there Gwen. Ianto’s a little embarrassed, as he rushes to put on his clothed, but Captain Jack’s got the smug look of “I’m fucking the hottest guy in this place.”

Gwen at least has the decency to stutter an apology to Ianto, but Captain Jack, who has no problem with the fact he and Ianto were caught outside of Jack’s hole, makes a joke about there’s “always room for one more.”

Of course, Gwen could’ve been another player in “Naked hide and seek.”

“He always cheats,” Ianto laughs.

Sucking the playful mood out of the scene (I just realized how dirty that sounded, considering the rest of the scene) Gwen insists that she wants to make Jonah Bevan her “special project.” When Jack says no, she justifies herself. “Tosh has her projects, so does Ianto, why can’t I?” Now, in Tosh’s case, she was being serious, but the part about Ianto had nothing to do with official Torchwood business. She was just making a snide comment about my favourite ‘ship. What I wouldn’t give for some barbeque and Myfanwy about now.

So there’s poor Ianto, stuck where he’s been stuck all along, in between Jack and Gwen. Although, my fictional Welsh boyfriend isn’t perfect for nothing. He gets her back in his own special way before heading back into the hothouse with Jack (who has already taken off his shirt).

The package contains a little device which she promptly takes to PC Andy. That motif of the one-upmanship over Gwen continues when she gets all snotty about it being “high tech stuff” and he informs her it’s just plain old GPS indicating Flat Holm Island and he’s got some connections that could take them there in the morning.

Realizing that it’s Ianto who left her the GPS, Gwen calls him, while PC Andy is getting a refill of tea. Ianto denies everything, while Jack calls him, impatiently, in the background. Hee! The images in my head: they're so dirty lovely.

I’m starting to think PC Andy has some latent psychic abilities because the scene ends with him asking Gwen if there are any vacancies at Torchwood. I’m not saying anything else.

When Gwen gets home, just to prove he isn’t going to put up with her bullshit, Rhys has left her blankets, indicating she’s been kicked to the couch. Am I a bad person to smirk?

Of course, Gwen hasn’t learned her lesson about being considerate to those in her life, as, the next morning, she plays on PC Andy’s gallant side and sends him to get a cup of tea and then pays the skipper to go to Flat Holm, alone. “I’m sorry, Andy,” she yells to him.

Oh, just fall overboard already. I don’t care how many pretty shots we get to see of Gwen in the boat. The only one I want to see is the one of her going overboard and promptly being eaten by sharks.

Once on the island, she gets a good view of things from the top of the lighthouse. It’s a view that includes some random people wandering around and Captain Jack. That’s the problem with wearing a distinctive outfit like the long greatcoat. Essentially, it makes stealth impossible. She follows the group into the old disused military battery to find not a piece of history, but a hidden medical facility filled with physically and mentally scarred people whose names she recognizes at those missing due to the Rift.

Finally, Jack emerges, taking over Gwen’s tour from the friendly nurse. All along, all he was trying to do was protect her, but Gwen wouldn’t listen to the warning signs. It may be the kindest one of all the men in her life but finally …

He knows it was Ianto that told her, but he isn’t angry. He still tries to protect her, by trying to explain the truth about what’s going on. Gwen won’t have any of it. Ianto’s way was right. Until the cold anvil of truth is dropped on her head 9hopefully from a great distance) she isn’t going to understand. She assumes that she’s the only one who cares about anything, well, Ianto just dropped that anvil and now I’m waiting for her to go splat.

She demands entry into Jonah’s room and finds an aged and scarred man, who fell through the Rift, onto a burning planet, who is now afraid to believe he’s home. For all he’s aged, that 15 year-old boy is still inside him, and it’s evident not only from the football on his desk, but also in his intense desire to see his mother.

Jack tries to explain himself. He set up the Flat Holm facility after he took over Torchwood because, previously, victims of the Rift were kept in the vaults with such lovely cellmates as Janet the Weevil. He wanted better for them. The facility now takes care of 17 people who are “sick, in ways you can’t imagine” but despite that warning, despite what she’s seen, Gwen still thinks the families should know. Jack insists it would be impossible for Nikki Bevan to be brought there, but once again, Gwen insists she’s the only one who could truly understand the feelings of others. Yes Gwen, because everyone else on this show is an insensitive git; we get it.

She then asks him if he would rather know. Well, we know that if the choice was between remembering and the protection of those he cared for, he’d choose to take the Retcon. So shut it, Gwen.

So, Gwen has to learn the hard way. She goes to Nikki and tells her about Jonah. The problem is that Gwen doesn’t realize that after she told the mother that her son was alive, that she completely tuned out of anything else she was told. That’s how things work Gwen. For someone with so much empathy, why doesn’t she get that?

She even gets PC Andy in on telling Jonah. After telling him that she’d never recommend him for Torchwood, she insists that only PC Andy can “fix this” and “make it right” by confirming to Nikki that Gwen isn’t a nutter. Excuse me? Fix it? He didn’t break anything! He didn’t use people! He has genuine empathy for Nikki Bevan. WTF is Gwen doing by laying a guilt trip on Andy, who has done nothing but try to help? Personally, if I had to confirm that Gwen wasn’t a nutter, I’d say “no, she’s a heartless cow who thinks only she knows best, but she isn’t a liar, unless she wants something from you, or you’re Rhys in the first series.”

Taking Nikki to Flat Holm is heartbreaking. At first, she refuses to believe that Jonah’s her son and recoils from him. I’m even more irritated that Gwen didn’t understand that all the stuff after “he’s alive” may have been heard, but wasn’t truly understood. It isn’t until he starts listing all those mundane things parents and children have between them, the personal things unique to them, like fixing the wardrobe door, a buying a double bed and letting him sneak a beer that finally convinces her. He even pitifully apologizes for being 9 minutes late the night he disappeared.

For a moment, it looks like we’re about to have a happy ending, as Nikki insists that she could take Jonah home and take care of him but the tone of this episode hasn’t been oppressively depressing for that to happen. Jonah’s been so damaged by his experiences that all he can do is scream for 20 hours a day. It’s a primal, pitiful scream that extinguishes any hope of a permanent reunion between mother and son. The scream is a mix of fear, pathos, madness and pain. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard on television.

Gwen justifies Jonah’s madness by saying he saw into the heart of a dark star. I’m thinking the burning planet, the being pulled away form home and the confusion of a lost 15 year-old might’ve had something to do with it.

One week later (so says the caption) we see the results of Gwen’s investigation. She was so insistent that she knew best, that it was better for Nikki to know, but now we see the truth. Gwen’s search destroyed a woman, living on hope, and taking that hope and doing great things like helping others. All Nikki can do is have Gwen to promise not to do that to another family and pack away all her son’s things.

In a nice piece of parallelism, Gwen takes down the pictures of all the victims of the Rift and file them, while Nikki reduces Jonah’s life to a green garbage bag.

Jack watches as Gwen leaves. He looks slightly guilty.

As for Gwen, who has finally lost her “kind me versus cruel them” point of view, hopefully forever, is focusing on the future, realizing that others, no matter how awful it seems at the time, really are trying to do their best for her. She’s finally going to let Rhys talk about what he wants for the future.

So what subject does he choose? Gwen. Holy crap, that man is just about the most perfect husband ever.

Next week: How about we go for something a little more light-hearted, okay? Or at least, the not-Gwen show.