Torchwood: Meat (Episode 204)

Gwen: You ever eaten alien meat?
Jack: Yes
Gwen: What was it like?
Jack: He seemed to enjoy it.

We begin with a shot of a car radio, which pans up to random man singing along to the lorry jingle. In a rare moment, the man actually pulls off when his cell rings, thus proving to me he must be a good guy because practically no one ever does that. Usually, they nearly side-swipe my car while fumbling for the phone. He obviously works for the lorry company because he wrote the last part of the jingle but that’s not what the call is about. There’s been an accident.

Wait a second, this man does look familiar. Could it be? Could it really be Rhys driving over to the scene of the accident, watching his fiancée, Gwen, along with the rest of Team Torchwood, investigate? Rhys is confused as all that is in the lorry is simply meat. I’m confused because I’m seeing Rhys out of his apartment and wearing pants.

He didn’t do a lot of either last season which explains my earlier confusion. I guess he finally sought treatment for the disease unique to the Whoniverse, Dispantia.

While Rhys is watching Gwen, she doesn’t even see him. If that isn’t a symbol of their relationship, I don’t know what is. Gwen may be focused on the strange meat, Rhys is upset that the driver, who had a wife and young baby, died.

Inside the lorry is the commercial that vegetarian groups always wished they could make. The meat is in huge chunks and looks vile. Also, from the reactions of everyone, it must smell as bad as it looks. Scratch anything mammal off the menu for the next week.

Once the decision is made to confiscate the large chunks of meat, the team learns that the lorry’s from Rhys’s firm. As they leave the site, Gwen keeps turning around, and, at one point, looks in the exact spot where Rhys is and still doesn’t see him. Ouch.

He tries to follow the TT-SUV but is stopped by the police.

Back at the Hub, Owen confirms that the meat isn’t natural, and that someone’s forging the appropriate verification for human consumption. Yeah, what I said earlier about the whole week, make that a month without anything from the meat food group.

Gwen’s concerned about any of this coming back to Rhys, insisting that there’s no way he would ever be involved. “He’s the most honest man I know.” She’s not wrong.

Calling Rhys at work, Tosh pretends to be the police, and gets the info on the meat. The problem is that the lorry firm doesn’t have a phone number or address for the company that ships the meat, so things aren’t looking good for Gwen’s significant other. The whole time, Jack watches her so intensely that he even distracts me from staring at my fictional Welsh boyfriend.

I wish whole resurgence of Jack/Gwen would go away!

While Ianto’s figuring the math on how large a search area they have, Owen’s confirmed that it is alien meat. The team’s all worried about humans eating this mystery meat, leaving me wondering, did none of them ever eat in a high school cafeteria? I mean, whatever they serve in there is far worse than this alien meat that Owen swears is fit for human consumption.

Later, the team’s picking the meat off the pizza, Ianto’s narrowed the location for the mysterious meat company and pulling off a look I didn’t think was possible.

As for Gwen, she’s off home to check on Rhys. Jack’s clearly hoping that she’s going just to find out what Rhys knows. I’m really happy when she disabuses him of that notion.

In the most awkward scene ever, Rhys and Gwen go through the motions. She acts surprised at the news of the crash, while showing she’s completely insensitive by not remembering the people with whom Rhys works. Meanwhile, Rhys tries to grill Gwen about why the meat was seized but she denies knowing anything. Both have their own agendas and neither is being honest.

Proving that Rhys isn’t just the idiot boyfriend, he follows Gwen back to work and gets to see more than he bargained for. Watching, he sees Jack greet Gwen from the invisible lift, and the pair walks off laughing. Considering he knows that Gwen’s just lied to him, it’s not exactly a stretch to know where his mind is going. Well, that and the quip that started this recap.

Somehow, I don’t think that line will make it in the pre-watershed version.

Again with the whole FAIL on the secret organization thing, the Jack and Gwen don’t notice that Rhys is following them all the way to the slaughterhouse. Come one, doesn’t anyone check their rear view?

Ianto and Owen are already there doing some recon, and Ianto’s developed a fairly impressive new skill.

The team makes plans to move on the slaughterhouse, which is supposedly filled with “meat” but Gwen’s shocked to see Rhys. Gwen’s completely confused as to why he’s there, and Jack thinks he must be in on it. At no point does anyone suggest that they were followed. Either Jack and Gwen are in complete denial about how secret Torchwood truly is or Gwen believes she’s marrying someone with the intellect of a brain-dead rodent.

As for Owen and Ianto, Owen’s discovered the best “alarm deactivator” ever.

When the managers of the slaughterhouse pull up and confront Rhys, I’m depressed that there isn’t some covert reference to Vonnegut. Come on! It’s a story about aliens and a slaughterhouse; it isn’t one of the world’s greatest stretches. One of them carrying a plunger would have been enough. Instead of Vonnegut, we get a scene that would almost be worthy of an Oscar Wilde farce, because Rhys thinks Gwen is dodgy, and Jack tries thinks Rhys is in on it while Gwen is struggling to rescue him. Unfortunately, the way Jack stops Gwen from standing by her man is both painful to watch and too pitiful to be funny.

Of course, anything I said above is strictly me being rational. It has nothing to do with the fact that if I can’t have my fictional Welsh boyfriend, I’m more than happy letting Jack have him.

In fact, the arrival of Rhys on the scene means no one, which includes Owen and Ianto, can stun gun anyone today. It’s a slow day on Torchwood when the stun guns aren’t used.

Despite Jack and Gwen’s opinion that Rhys must have the brain power of an amoeba because they still haven’t figured out Rhys followed them (although, does it say more about Rhys, or Jack and Gwen, ponder that), Rhys manages to hold his own inside the facility. As he’s being led around, all we hear is pitiful computer enhanced moaning, and a man complaining that there weren’t any tranquilizers before they cut the meat. Um, ew, the thing’s still alive while they’re chopping it up? Much more of this and I’m turning vegan.

He doesn’t panic during the interrogation, and I’m starting to wonder what else is going on inside the facility as I cannot, for the life of me, tell the three baddies in this scene apart. They all look the same, so I’m not sure who the ultimate baddie is. Rhys, to make sure he doesn’t wind up in someone’s burger by mistake, even fakes interest in taking over where the driver left off.

The baddies buy it, even though it’s clear Rhys doesn’t know the whole story so to make sure he can’t tell anyone, they introduce him to the “cash cow.”

And just in case we weren’t already clear that they were chopping the thing up whilst it is still alive, Rhys shows us by vomiting all over the place. Right, very sanitary for the meat there, Rhys.

Outside, Jack and Gwen are still just waiting, and they watch Rhys drive away. So, essentially, Rhys could’ve been chopped up into little pieces while Team Torchwood was standing outside because the whole idea that the manager of lorry firm following them is just too alien. Sadly, that’s the most alien thing on this show, Torchwood’s own collective ego.

Later, Rhys is at home, drinking away the events of the afternoon. I was hoping, above hope that he’d be having another attack of Dispantia, because I’m having difficulty finding the funny otherwise.

Gwen comes bursting in, screaming about Rhys being at the slaughterhouse. Um, yeah, Gwen, before you get all upset maybe you should consider… but wait, I don’t have to tell Gwen off this time as Rhys will. He’s so pissed about being lied to that he completely shoots down all her accusations and gives her the telling off she so rightly deserves. I actually applaud him. It’s not like he can hear me but Torchwood, even if it is just Gwen, needs to realize their big “fail” on the secrecy matter before someone really gets hurt.

Yes, Gwen, it is possible for someone else to figure out something is off. Really. I know this might be a shock, but since you're a smart woman; it makes sense you didn't hook up with an idiot.

Rhys does go astray with his suspicion that Jack and Gwen are sleeping together, but it’s not entirely unfounded considering how they behave.

Okay, I have serious problems with this scene, because Gwen does try the self-righteous route by sounding hurt when he doesn’t trust her. She insists that she’s protecting him and then throws him off track by shouting that she catches aliens and starts talking about everything she’s seen. Yes, that line leads to the best delivered line in this episode, and it’s certainly in the running for the best line ever in the series…

… but it’s complete beside the point. Let’s break this down, shall we?
1) What does catching aliens have to do with trust?
2) What does catching aliens have to do with fucking Owen senseless?
3) What does catching aliens have to do with openly drooling over Jack?
4) What does catching aliens have to do with being completely unable to keep a secret?

Seriously, the logic doesn’t stand up here, Gwen.

In yet another failure to their whole secret organization shtick, Gwen takes Rhys to Torchwood, where the entire team is waiting for them. They pass the time, talking about how rare it is to have a significant other in Torchwood. (So, Ianto, what exactly was Lisa then?) Tosh makes a half-hearted attempt at getting Owen to like her but I’m starting to wonder if it wouldn’t be kinder of her to leave him alone. I’m just saying, look at what happened to the other two loves of her life, Mary and Tommy .

They arrive via the invisible lift. It’s the best introduction, and I have to say, I’m glad to see that there’s not longer just a hole in the sidewalk . Nope, now there’s a lid on the lift, and we also get our first view of Myfanwy this season.

Rhys is introduced to the team, but he’s more taken with the size of the place. “Bit bigger than mine,” he comments.

He gets the brief summary about the Rift, before we’re back onto the case. Telling Team Torchwood about the ever-growing cash cow, and they’re surprised it’s still alive. Tosh is positive that if they could figure out how it could survive and grow, they could feed the world. Ianto one-ups her. “We could release a single.” That would totally beat Band-Aid. I wonder what the single’s cover would look like.

Less than two minutes in Torchwood, and Jack and Rhys have a pissing contest over who screwed up at the warehouse more. Sorry, Jack, but I’m going to have to side with Rhys on this one because you guys were the ones that screwed up the whole idea of stealth. What’s even better, as Jack is telling Rhys off about how Torchwood is stuck without a way in. Oh Jack, you’re going to be made to look foolish by this show’s version of the everyman, and that’s exactly what you need. It doesn’t matter what crack you make afterwards, you can’t help yourself.

So the plan is this, rip off the Trojan Horse idea and use Rhys’ truck to sneak the team in. Gwen’s not to keen on the idea, but tough, we wouldn’t have the rest of the episode with out so they’re off to the packing plant.

Before that though, we have an odd moment where Jack insists on saving the alien. I’m all for avoiding unnecessary carnage, but it plays more like he’s showing off how human he is but I’m not sure if it’s for Gwen or for Rhys.

One other off moment before we get to the real action, it involves Tosh practically tripping over herself asking Owen out on a date, not that he notices. Also, she brings him an offering of sandwiches.

While all this goes on, Rhys finally notices how hot Team Torchwood is, and jokes that he won’t leave her alone with all the sexy men. Poor Rhys, she’s had one already, fancies another, but if she touches the third, I’ll kill her myself. Oh yeah, and staring at Jack when she kisses Rhys, is just all levels of wrong.

I’m curious as to when we’ll finally get back to the plant, as Jack and Rhys have made a stop-off at the lorry company first. The secretary, Ruth, has brought Rhys his favourite Danish but then gets distracted by the hotness that is Jack. I’m really not sure what purpose this serves other than to contrast the superior attraction powers of Captain Jack Harkness, or if it’s sole purpose was to give us some bad double entendres about “fitting [Jack] in” or “going long distance.”

On the way to the plant, Rhys tries to question Jack about why Gwen works for the team. In all honesty, Jack just avoids the question, but there’s no way Rhys isn’t suspecting something. I think this is my favourite thing about this episode. Rhys is finally a full character, with his own brand of intelligence, and not just the lump he was last series.

When the pick up the rest of the team, Gwen also brings Rhys his favourite Danish, and now I see the implication of that earlier scene. I just hope I’m reading it wrong.

Finally back at the packing plant, the team’s ready to go, and Owen mutters something about mixing something to wean the cash cow off tranquilizers. It’s important I mention that as it’s important to the solution of this whole episode. Rhys fulfills his part of the plan admirably, keeping the baddies distracted.

Since I can’t, and I know there’s a third one running around that also confuses me, I’ll just call them Larry, Curly and Moe.

Ianto and Owen are wandering through the plant and while Ianto’s being snarky about the meat, I’d like to point something out. Actually, I’m pointing out something my best friend, the one who now hates me (or so she says, but yet she asks me to include these things) because I sucked her into another fandom, wanted me to say.

You know the best part of a new Whoniverse convert? She gives me the ability to say things I never would, like commenting on fanfic, because otherwise I’d have to admit I read the fanfic almost religiously.

In the, hell, what do you call it other than the cash cow’s pen, Jack, Tosh and Gwen, are amazed at the size of the creature, and the inhumanity of the people surrounding it. Literally, the sentient cash cow has a huge hole in its side where they’re hacking out bits of meat. “Imprisoned, chained and drugged, welcome to planet Earth,” Jack says. Wow, I suddenly have a serious hate-on for humanity.

After Owen stuns one, he discovers that all the people in the plant are armed. Everyone prepared for a shoot-out at the cash cow corral? After this, all we get are shots of Owen mixing water tinted with food-colouring, so I won’t be mentioning him again for a while.

Outside, the one not completely inhuman guy from before who wanted to drug the thing up to keep it from feeling its sides being ripped out, has arrived. Rhys is getting antsy, but the manager, who, for lack of a better name, Moe, demands three more bags of meat be added to the shipment.

While I’m glad it isn’t Rhys who messes up the plan, I’m saddened over whom it is.

He got caught stunning one of the men by, I think, Larry, and now Rhys and Ianto are being held. Ianto tries to claim that it’s just him and Rhys, looking for a larger cut but Curly or is that Moe, I can’t tell, doesn’t believe them.

Gwen tries to rush off to save Rhys, and I’m highly disappointed when Jack stops her. Hello, Jack, you’ve got to keep Ianto alive until I’ve discovered a way into making fictional people real, thank you very much. You could at least show a little bit of concern over the guy you’re sleeping with!

Even when Rhys and Ianto are brought into the pen, and Larry and Moe, or Curly and Moe, or Larry and Curly, are holding guns to the heads of Ianto and Rhys, Gwen’s the only one who seems to give a crap. Now, I’m all for thinking clearly to get out of a situation, but even a facial twitch showing concern would’ve appeased me.

Gwen steps forward, in an attempt to convince Larry, Curly and Moe (thank heavens I don’t need to distinguish them at the moment) that it’s just the three of them. Unfortunately, it’s all for naught, as Jack and Tosh are spotted. Although, now Rhys is standing with Gwen and it’s just Ianto with the gun to his head. I’m now expecting Jack to at least give some sign of caring.
Jack tries to explain to Larry, Curly and Moe, exactly what the cash cow is, but no one wants to listen.

One of the stooges keeps insisting it is just meat and tries to play the hard luck card. As if he was owed the chance to cut up a living creature, and keep it alive to suffer through multiple meat amputations. Umm, buddy, no you’re not.

What he is owed is a good ass-kicking by the not-fragile Ianto, who has loosened the ropes binding his hands while everyone else was nattering. There’s a bondage joke in here, but damned if I can find it. Also, it would be a little inappropriate considering that before Ianto kicks the stooge’s ass, the stooge shoots Rhys.

“No!” Jack shouts. Oh, now he cares! I have to say; at least I’m grateful that he doesn’t shoot Ianto to get at the stooge. Actually, when the stooge gets the upper hand on Ianto, not killing him only because the gun was empty, I’m thinking there’s going to have to be a lot of groveling for how Jack’s been treating my fictional Welsh boyfriend. Hell, after that ass-kicking, Jack sends Ianto after the stooges. What, so he can get some more?

That’s it; I’m so taking him back, Jack, if that’s how you’re going to treat him.
While I’m getting more pissed at Jack, the cash cow is getting free, Rhys is bleeding and Owen’s not getting there fast enough with a sedative.

Not that the sedative’s going to work now, or at least says the one not completely evil guy. Yeah, well, it’s not like Torchwood could keep this one as easily as it does their pet pterodactyl, so it’s not a big surprise what changes Owen has to make to the formula.

As for 2 of the stooges, they’re packing their money, trying to make a getaway. Before they can, Ianto’s stuns one, and then stuns the other in the head. Awesome, but I think he’s working out some aggression that may not be all entirely directed at the stooges.

The alien is frantic when Owen injects it with the first dose of the concoction he’s made. When that doesn’t work, a second shot kills it. The death moan it makes says can easily be translated into the theme of this episode. “Humanity sucks.”

Owen calls it a mercy killing, and I’m sure he’s right, but is it a mercy killing when you’re putting something out of its misery that was put into its misery by your species in the first place? That question ought to keep the philosophers talking.

Jack, who couldn’t work up an iota of concern over Ianto, offers comfort to the creature as it dies. It’s nice, but more because the creature deserves some comfort more than it is me forgiving Jack for his earlier behaviour.

Back at the Hub, Rhys is all patched up, and basking in the love and admiration of Gwen.

He’s sad to learn that the creature was incinerated and the stooges retconned, but he’d be happy never to learn what Jack wanted Gwen to do next. Initially, I’m depressed when Gwen is so willing to give Rhys the retcon. He’s going to have all this taken away for something that isn’t really a secret anyway? Little old ladies know about Torchwood. It’s emblazoned on the TT-SUV. Give it up, people!

Up on the Plass, Rhys has a new appreciation for life, and for Gwen. I could go into detail, but what’s important here is that for all of Rhys’s realizations; it’s Gwen who makes the most significant jump. She realizes that her fiancé is a brave man. Not the typical Torchwood bravery, but more so, because he didn’t sign up for it like everyone else did. Finally, they’re equals in the relationship and she isn’t going to take that away from him.

Gwen rushes into the Hub and makes an ultimatum. Either Rhys gets to keep his memories or she can be retconned out of Torchwood. Geez, I know a few people in the fandom who wouldn’t think that was such a bad idea. Gwen admits she could go back to her old life, as she wouldn’t know anything different.

“I would,” Jack insists. Okay Jack, now would be a moment to care, but since you missed your other moment ten minutes ago, I’d like to point out something extremely important.

For once, Jack folds. For him, Rhys losing his memories wasn’t a good enough trade off for him losing Gwen. Everyone else in the team stands around, staring awkwardly at their leader as he goes into his office to watch Gwen and Rhys on the CCTV. That is, all except for Ianto. So all I’ve got to say at end this episode is this: