Rock of Love 2 - "Stroller Derby" (Episode 203)

Roxy is nervous, she doesn't know what Bret's looking for and just needs a second to make a connection (drink) with Bret. Fortunately for her, she's still got the VIP pass she won during last week's dance-off. Big John calls the gals into the living room with another note from Bret, which Megan reads as if she were auditioning to play the lead in "The Paris Hilton Story." I can't stand her. The note says that Bret needs a girl who's not only "sweet and classy", but "tough and sassy" and the girls are going to have to "roll with the punches" to "protect our love." Megan hopes the challenge doesn't have anything to do with "athleticness...because I don't have any." Let's hope for your sake, it doesn't involve grammar.

The gals pile into their limo and head for a warehouse, where soccer mom Ambre immediately recognizes a roller derby rink, because that was popular when Ambre was a kid in the 70s. Jessica's worried the challenge is going to require coordination. Bret tells the gals that he's a good dad and wants to find a girl with a "mother bear instinct." He breaks the gals into three teams - their goal is to protect "baby Bret", a doll in a stroller, complete with bandana (Bret and the baby share the same hairline, if you know what I mean.) The teams have to get the baby around the track three times but they will have to fend off another team, determined to stop the gals and hurt the baby - LA's Derby Dolls squad, with special guest..."America's Little Sweetheart" (Bret's words, not mine) crazy Lacey! She greets the girls with "What's up, skanks?" Pot, meet kettle. The gals were not happy to see her. Baby Bret is a special doll, set up to record the trauma it experiences - the team with the least damaged baby at the end of the 3 laps wins a date with Bret. The teams are set up. The blue team is Aubry, Angelique, Kristy Joe and Inna. The Jessica, Peyton, Roxy and Ambre. That leaves Destiney, Megan, Catherine and Daisy to form the pink team. The gals gear up and get a quick lesson from the Derby Dolls. Catherine actually bonded with her teammates, who she had never really talked to before, as they came up with their strategy. Hilarity ensued as the gals fell on their butts. A bunch. Kristy Joe seemed to be the only one with any sort of skill in the bunch and feels her team has a good chance of winning. Referee Marlene Diebitch (I wonder if that's her real name) talks about the rules and Bret says that after each team makes the rounds, the baby will be given to Dr. Franklin, a "Doctor of Doll Traumology" (we're also helpfully informed that he's not a real doctor) to assess the damage. The pink team is up first. Catherine was "terrified." Bret hopes the ladies are "willing to take a beating for their man." Getting run over by an Amazon woman in skates doesn't sound like my idea of fun - and for what? An incurable STD? A cameo in "Rock of Love 3"? Daisy pushes the stroller for her team and crashes in the first lap. The Derby Dolls catch up and Lacey smacks the crap out of the kid. Things aren't looking good for the pink team.

The pink team spent more time on their asses than on the track, and baby Bret got the snot knocked out of him. The red team was next, with Peyton, who actually looks like a roller derby queen, pushed the stroller for her team. She got to lap number two before the Derby Dolls caught up and smashed into the stroller. Peyton was really taking a beating to protect the baby, which Bret said made him want to "breed." Yikes. Roxy could not stop the "mountains on skates." One of the Derby Dolls tore the arm off the poor kid. The blue team is last. Kristy Joe was then only one who could skate and just hoped her teammates fell "long and hard." Kristy Joe almost made it without a fall, but was knocked out in the third lap, right before she reached the finish line. "Dr. Franklin" gave the results - under the pink team, baby Bret suffered a cerebral hemorrhage, shaking trauma, lacerated organs and spinal trauma. His prognosis was dire. Under the red team, baby Bret had mild head trauma, moderate torso trauma, bruised organs and a lost limb. The good doc said the baby would survive, but in a challenged state, never able to lead a normal life and ending up a contestant on a reality dating show. The blue team allowed baby Bret to suffer mild head trauma, mild bruising and moderate shaking, but would end up alright, with therapy, of course. (Side note: I don't think child abuse is funny. Does anyone else think this challenge was just a bit too much?) The blue team wins. Bret has "killer" plans for Aubry, Frenchy and Inna and wants to take Kristy Joe, the team's MVP, on a special, one-on-one date. Kristy Joe says she deserved it.

Back at the house, Roxy was bummed that she didn't have a chance to spend time with Bret. Catherine reminded her that she still had her VIP pass, but Roxy wanted to use it at a later date and said she was just going to have to wait. Bret took the terrible trio, all dressed completely like hookers (well, Aubry was wearing a top hat, so maybe she was going for the "magical streetwalker" look) out for their date. Daisy and Destiney were talking to Kristy Joe about the challenge and said that Catherine, the only "mom" among them kind of dropped the ball. The VH-1 producers, desperate for some confrontation, took this comment and will now proceed to blow it completely out of proportion for the next 45 minutes. Bret and the whores pull up at the Forty Deuce burlesque club. Angelique was excited, because she was a stripper (quel surprise!) The owner tells them they have the whole place to themselves, because this parade of skanks would surely scare off real, paying customers. Aubry was excited because she's been a trained dancer since she was 7. One of the burlesque dancers from the club danced for the gang, and then the ladies got to show Bret their best moves. Kristy Joe told Catherine that Destiney and Daisy blamed her for their team's loss. Catherine said she wasn't taking the fall for her team. Back at the club, "Dakota" danced for the gang and then told the gals it was their turn. Angelique said that she wasn't "that kind" of a dancer and that she just got completely naked. Dakota was having a hard time getting the concept of "the art of the tease" through that teeny French noggin.  

Inna is the first dancer to "milk it to the bone" for Bret. He calls her his "Ukranian Love Tank" and says she sucks as a burlesque dancer but I don't really think he cares. Aubry vows to show Bret her sexy side, which Bret expressed his interest in seeing, and Bret knew that she'd be good at burlesque. I guess shaking the ass=good at burlesque in Bret's book. Angelique is last and, in typical Angelique fashion, takes off all of her clothes. Bret says her body is "smoking hot" (he never mentions her face) but says she's either a free spirited exhibitionist or she's got a screw loose. (B, Bret, B!) Angelique thinks their "sexual connection" (drink) is really strong. The club's owner is slack-jawed after watching her performance. Dakota came back and chastised Frenchy for her act. Bret said she almost shut the place down. Well, it does have to be disinfected now. Back at the house, the "Kristy Joe situation" continues to play out. Catherine has enlisted some of the other girls and confronted KJ about her comments - they think she's trying to stir things up. I think this will end up being the biggest non-issue since the infamous "picture incident" on "Charm School." Catherine told her teammates, which made them angry too. Destiney told KJ that she was being fake and was mad that she was trying to start trouble. Megan said her clean-scrubbed face was "scaring her." I can't stand her.

Bret and the skanks come back and head to the bar for a nightcap. The party ensues, but Aubry finds Kristy Joe crying in the bathroom. She tries to cheer her up and calls the other girls "vicious." Ok, she looks like a horse, but I guess she's not so bad. The next morning, Destiney is making plans about using her VIP pass. Kristy Joe reads the note from Bret. She gets to plan what she and Bret are going to do for their date, while the rest of the gals get to stew over that evening's elimination (2 are going home.) Kristy Joe plans a backyard cookout for she and Bret, which is what she'd do in real life. She's looking forward to spending time getting to know Bret, just the two of them. Destiney tells Daisy that she's going to use her VIP pass while Bret's on the date with KJ and encourages Daisy to do the same. Roxy, who has the third pass doesn't want to interrupt the date. Kristy Joe gives Bret a kiss, Purel-ed her entire face, and then took Bret outside for their dinner. Bret was enjoying the steaks and the conversation. Destiney, meanwhile was getting tarted-up (complete with head bandana) and ready to bust in on the date. Kristy Joe told Bret she hasn't been successful in relationships and dropped a bombshell - she was still in the process of annulling her second marriage. As Bret would say, "Hi-yo!" Bret thinks this might pose a problem. The marriage wasn't even a month old before the restraining order and annulment...we don't find out anything else, because Destiney has arrived.

Bret reluctantly agrees to honor Destiney's pass. KJ's pissed. Destiney asked KJ to take off. Bret was hoping for a "naked catfight." Hey, we can't always get what we want now, can we? Destiney's happy because KJ's not happy. She straddles Bret and tells Bret she's been broken-hearted and was cheated on by her now-ex hubby. She will do whatever it takes to prove she's best for him, and Bret welcomed the chance to clear his head about KJ's news. KJ resumes the date and Destiney sends Daisy off to cash in her pass. Bret's worried that KJ would have some jealousy issues, but we never really find out if she would, because horsey-faced Daisy has shown up. Bret wants to make sure she's not there just to make Kristy Joe mad and says they have "so much to talk about" that he'd rather spend time with her later. Daisy fears that Bret's mad at her for interrupting their date. KJ says she's exhausted and finds life in the house getting overwhelming. Bret hopes she's got enough fight in her to stay. KJ says she won't tear someone down to make herself look better. She's so not going to make it through the whole season. Bret felt bad about blowing Daisy off and went to find her after the date was over. Daisy told Bret how bad she felt and that she'd been dreaming about him the past few nights, which made her cry. Bret talks a lot to her, and when he figures out she's not comprehending him, just goes in for some tongue hockey. Bret feels he's had a "true moment" with Daisy, and then he admits he looked at her boobs. "Back up to the crying, down to the breasts." Angelique is 150% confident that she's staying. Aubry's afraid her BFF Kristy Joe is heading home.

It's time for eliminations. Kristy Joe's nervous and doesn't know where Bret's head is. Angelique feels really connected (drink) to Bret, because she took all of her clothes off for him. Catherine hopes that Bret can see through Kristy Joe's "crap." Staying are Destiney and Daisy. Roxy is now thinking she should have been more aggressive and used her pass. Too late, chicky! Two of the "Bret Michaels Dancers", "Ukranian Love Tank" Inna and Aubry get their passes. Angelique is starting to get a little worried. Peyton, Catherine, Ambre, Megan and Jessica are also staying. It's now down to Angelique, Roxy and Kristy Joe. One stays, two go. Because the show needs conflict, Kristy Joe is the logical choice, and she stays on to attempt to rock Bret's world for one more week. I am so happy that the French whore is leaving. I feel bad about Roxy though, but, hey, there's always "Flavor of Love!" Bret tells Angelique that she's a "rock star" with a "smokin' hot body" (again, he can't find anything nice to say about that face!) and he couldn't deal with another free spirit (I hope he just didn't equate her with Jes!) Next week, the girls design choppers!