The Amazing Race: Sorry, Guys, I'm Not Happy to See You (Episode 12.10)

On Season 12's penultimate leg, the Final Four jets to Taiwan, gets tipsy during a Roadblock, drinks tea, walks on sharp rocks, and... you know how when you were a kid, and you would bring in treats for the entire class on your birthday to celebrate? Sort of a gift for others on your special day? Well, it's Jennifer's birthday. And (SPOILER) she just gave The Amazing Race's audience one of the best. Presents. EVER!

In the teaser, Phil gets right to the point, asking "Who will be eliminated... tonight?" Oooh, not "next"? I mean, we all know it's an elimination leg, but still. Switching it up!

Ron & Chris depart the mat first at 7:02 a.m. The clue tells them to "Travel by taxi to the building with a hole in it. Then find the Floating Garden." What? A figure-it-out-yourself clue? The heck you say! Teams need to find the Umeda Sky Building; the Floating Garden is an observatory on the roof. Chris is proud of her dad's progress throughout the Race — as a human being, not distance traveled.

7:15 a.m. Nathan & Jennifer, a.k.a. Nate-n-Hate, leave in second place. In their taxi, Nate wishes Hate a happy birthday. Hate interviews that she and her teammate "are not playing Mr. Nice Jenn-and-Nate." If what we've seen throughout this contest is them being nice, I weep for the future. Nah, not really, because (SPOILER) I know what happens at the end of the episode. And any tears I shed are tears are of joy, believe you me. But we're not there yet.

Gramps... and The Boy rip the clue six minutes later. Don is stressed that he can't keep up with the running, but he's doing his best. The observatory doesn't open until 10 a.m., which means... As they leave at 10:18 a.m., TK & Rachel have a very good chance of catching up — as if (SPOILER) the title of the episode and last week's preview didn't already give it away. But they say that life is the journey, and not the destination, so let's see how it all plays out, accompanied by tiny violins for Nate-n-Hate!

Ron & Chris and Nate-n-Hate share an elevator to the Floating Gardens as Don & Nick trail behind in the second lift. Teams were expecting a Roadblock or Detour to do with heights here, but instead they find a clue box. The next stop: Taipei, Taiwan. Players will take taxis to Taipei Main Station and their next clue. The three lead teams head for the airport, with Nick saying he and Don have "been playing the game like bitches so far, and so has everyone else. No competitors are left. It's a bunch of pansies in the game." Point. No one "hard core" or "intense" remains, although ten bucks says that Nate-n-Hate think of themselves that way. After all, they did compare themselves to the Hulk. Pffft. Also, after hearing of their next destination, Nate duhs that he loves Thai food. :|

TK & Rachel arrive at the Umeda Sky Building and, as is their wont, have trouble finding the Floating Gardens. When they finally take an elevator up, Rachel has a bad feeling. Once on the roof, they walk right past the box. D'oh! They find it eventually and head off to the airport, hoping to see other teams there. Later on (SPOILER), TK & Rachel will say that they work just as hard as everyone else and their placement in The Race isn't just luck. But I think Fate and/or Timing definitely has helped them out several times, including here.

At the airport, Ron & Chris receive the "last" tickets on a flight with a 1:00 p.m. departure. I modified "last" because Chris asks the agent to tell anyone else the flight is full and then lies about it when Hate asks Chris. Normally, this type of "game play" annoys me, but anything that ruins Hate's birthday is okey dokey with me. Especially as her drama with Nate is already turned up far past 11, and it's only four hours into the leg. But hey, (SPOILER) I'll never have to write about it again after this recap! The bickering twosome, as well as Nick & Don, book seats on a 1:15 p.m. flight. But what of TK & Rachel?

In Tiapei, Ron & Chris land at 2:51 p.m. Nate-n-Hate and Nick & Don's plane arrives at 3:05 p.m. The "dating" "couple" decides to exchange money before going through customs. And who ends up in front of them in a very long line? That's right! We're never told which flight TK & Rachel got, but it might be the 1:35 p.m. flight that Nick almost booked before he took an earlier option. Hate thinks it's "gut wrenching." Hooray! Nick says now it's "a true race." Yup!

Ron & Chris at Taipei Main Station. Pairs will take high-speed rail to Taichung and then a taxi to Acrobatics Jeep in the town of Jiji. Chris scores a rail timetable, which will be important later. They hop on a train. The other three teams scramble for cabs at the airport, Hate name checks herself as she seethes, "God, that's hatred in my blood right now." Right now? Again, if what we've seen throughout this contest so far hasn't been hatred... Hate wants to rip the dreads right off TK's head, and Nick wants to shave his beard! Since when did TAR turn into Shear Genius? TK & Rachel miss the clue box again, but manage to find the instructions in time to take the rail to Jiji with Nate-n-Hate and Don & Nick.

Jiji. Roadblock! "Who's ready to go for a tricky ride?" Phil explains that one team member must first be a passenger in a car driven by a professional stunt driver on a teeter totter 25 feet above the ground. Then the player will switch to an amphibious car and ride underwater for 17 seconds. Phil intones, "If they're still alive when it's over, they'll receive their next clue." Okay, that may be the best explanation ever. Ron takes it, and even though Chris encourages him to "Have fun," he definitely doesn't. However, he gamely claims, "I'm refreshed!" after his 17-second dunk, so kudos to him. Teams must now return to Taipei and proceed to GK Teahouse and each drink a cup of tea that has a message at the bottom in Chinese. Father and daughter catch the 7:16 p.m. train and maintain their lead.

Rachel is next at the Roadblock, followed by Nate and Don. Rachel and Nate love it, and Don has a similar reaction to Ron's. Old coots hate tricky riding! And it's here that TK & Rachel find their Speed Bump. They have to travel to He-ping and take part in a traditional Lantern Festival ritual. In safety gear, they must run through a gauntlet of exploding firecrackers and then be doused with water. The site is only a mile away, so TK & Rachel hope they'll complete the Speed Bump quickly enough to stay in it. Of course, they have a great time dashing through the sparks and fire. Nate-n-Hate and Don & Nick just miss the 7:36 train to Taipei, and if you think TK & Rachel make it in time for all three teams to take the 8:00 train into the city, then I'll just say "Happy birthday to us!" Nate-n-Hate continue their sourness, and Nick and Don move to sit next to TK & Rachel in another car. Wise move.

In Taipei, Ron & Chris down their tea and translate that they need to find a clown in the Gong Guan Night Market. He hands them their Detour options: Fire or Earth. In Fire, players will write messages of luck — good or bad — on 20 paper lanterns, light them, and let them ascend in Zhongzheng Park. In Earth, teams must "reduce stress" by walking barefoot 440 feet (twice on a 220-foot path) on jagged rocks. Ron & Chris — and (SPOILERS) all of the other Racers, actually — choose Earth.

At Taipei Main Station, Don & Nick take a different exit, and their risk pays off when they're the second pair to GK Teahouse. We see that the streets are crazy congested with traffic. TK & Rachel beat Nate-n-Hate to the teahouse. All three non-father-daughter teams find locals to help them translate the message, and Nate-n-Hate get the advice to take the subway and then a bus rather than a cab. Don & Nick and TK & Rachel take taxis.

Ron has an easier time walking the rocks than Chris does, but they both finish quickly. The clue directs them to the next Pit Stop, Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall Plaza. Phil warns, "The last team to check in... will be eliminated." So definite! Dad and daughter score their second first-place finish in a row, as well as a five-day trip to Curaçao. I'm glad that Ron seems to realize that it is much easier to work with Chris than condescend to her. Let's hope this is a genuine change.

And now another climactic scene from Nate-n-Hate's Bipolar Theater. Post subway, Nate thinks they should take a cab instead of wait for a bus, and Hate asks him to step up and make a decision and it quickly degenerates into bitching and whining and blaming it's as ugly and uncomfortable and as stupid as their bajillionty other fights, squabbles, and practically deliberate misunderstandings. They're both so hateful and unattractive as human beings.

Meanwhile, Don & Nick start their walk at the Youth Park, with TK & Rachel close behind. However, TK & Rachel discover the secret is speed: the faster you walk, the less it hurts. TK practically sprints past Gramps... and the Boy, and Rachel finishes before either of them. Double however, TK & Rachel have a tough time finding a cab driver who speaks English, as do Don & Nick. I think both teams believe they're racing for third place, not having seen Nate-n-Hate since the high-speed rail. Remember that Nate-n-Hate finished second four times, so it makes sense for TK & Rachel and Don & Nick to be worried.

Triple however, (SPOILER) there is no need. TK & Rachel is team number two, and Don & Nick are team number three. This is when I threw my hands up in the air and yelled, "YES!" After suffering their umpteeth breakdown and finally being eliminated from the Race, Hate thinks she and Nate might not be destined for coupledom after all. They're both crying as he picks her up off the ground, pack and all. No sympathy from me. Good riddance. Perhaps they can be perfectly lovely individuals with other people. I honestly don't care.

My take on the Final Three (since we were rudely deprived of the clichéd ["Mmmhmmm."] "we're gonna win/it's on" boasts of glory in order to waste even more airtime on the inevitable collapse of Nate-n-Hate): I appreciate TK & Rachel's easygoing attitude and obvious respect for each other, but I dislike their lack of focus and tendency to make stupid mistakes. I believe that Ron's redemption arc has worked well over the season, and I've liked Chris for the entire run. And Nick & Don not only kept up but also got permanent reminders of their trip around the world together. This may be the first time that I'll be happy no matter who wins. Hooray!

Next week: Who cares? Nate-n-Hate are gone wooooooo! Oh, right. One team wins 1 million dollars after traveling more than 30,000 miles.

LEG 10: Osaka, Japan, to Taipei, Taiwan, to Taichung, to Jiji, back to Taipei

PIT STOP: Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall Plaza, Taipei, Taiwan

ROADBLOCK: ("Who's ready to go for a tricky ride?")
1st: Ron
2nd: Rachel
3rd: Nate
4th: Don

DETOUR:
Earth (walk 440 feet on sharp rocks):
Ron & Chris
TK & Rachel
Don & Nick
Nate & Jennifer

Fire (write on and light up 20 paper lanterns):
no teams

LEADERBOARD
Team Number 1: Ron & Chris [previously finished 8th, 9th, 5th, 3rd, 3rd, 1st, 3rd, 3rd, 1st]
PRIZE: five-day trip to Curaçao
Team Number 2: TK & Rachel [previously finished 3rd, 6th, 2nd, 7th, 1st, 4th, 4th, 1st, 4th]
Team Number 3: Don & Nick [previously finished 5th, 8th, 6th, 4th, 6th, 5th, 1st, 2nd, 3rd]
ELIMINATED: Nate & Jennifer [previously finished 10th, 2nd, 3rd, 2nd, 5th, 3rd, 2nd, 4th, 2nd]
ELIMINATED: Kynt & Vyxsin [previously finished 2nd, 4th, 4th, 5th, 2nd, 2nd, 5th]
ELIMINATED: Azaria & Henekea [previously finished 1st, 5th, 1st, 1st, 4th]
ELIMINATED: Shana & Jennifer [previously finished 6th, 3rd, 7th, 6th]
ELIMINATED: Jason & Lorena [previously finished 4th, 1st, 8th]
ELIMINATED: Marianna & Julia [previously finished 9th, 7th]
ELIMINATED: Kate & Pat [previously finished 7th]
ELIMINATED: Ari & Staella