Rock of Love 2 - "Back to the Rocking Horse" (Episode 201)

I am absolutely giddy about the season premiere of my all-time favorite "reality" show! It's time for our boy, Poison frontman and bandana aficionado, Bret Michaels to find a new f-buddy true love one more time. As you may know, Bret was heartbroken after losing last season's winner, the way too young for him Jes, so VH-1 assembled a new collection of equally too young for him gals (well, some of them are more age-appropriate this season, more on that later) for another chance for Bret to make a "connection" (if you're playing the "ROL2 Drinking Game", it is one drink every time you hear that word!) So, bring on the skanks!

Bret shows up in a (obviously rented) Ferrari (and new hair? It totally looks like weave hair) and what looks like a wider bandana than last season. He tells us he needs a woman who can trump his first love, "that bitch goddess I call rock and roll." Big John is back to, and he's setting up a bigger and better mansion for Bret and the ladies. He even tests out the stripper pole, which is kinda skeevy! Bret's 'fesses up that he's 40 and has never been married (he has been engaged a few times) and he's on the road 9 months a year. He admits it's not an easy life for a woman to jump into. But these 20 ladies want to give it a shot. The first lovely lady we hear from is Barbie doll Megan, who says she's drawn to Bret "like a nun to a convent." Interesting analogy. Peyton is kinda scary, a la Rodeo, she says she's not leaving until she gets what she came for. An STD, perhaps? Inna, who might be Russian, wants to "f**k Bret first, then make love to him." What a romantic gal! Destiney (obviously a dancer) says she's bisexual and loves making out with women, and says if she can't get any from Bret, she'll get it from one of the women in the house. Get this woman a hose! Daisy truly frightens me. She looks like the lead in a road production of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." She looks like a tranny. There, I said it. The gals yell and scream as Bret drives up. Ambre (who looks like a soccer mom with rock n' roll hair - she's got to be one of the more age-appropriate gals) says seeing Bret took her breath away. Bret said, after seeing the girls, that he was a lucky man and it was "a great day to be alive." He said that last season there was a lot of "rock of like and rock of lust, but very little rock of love." He's looking for the same things in a woman as he was before...big hooters, disease-free "physical attraction, chemistry, connection (drink!), funny, smart (not in this house Bret!)...the whole ball of wax." He introduces Big John to the ladies, who again lays down the ground rules - respect the gear, don't go in Bret's room uninvited and the most important rule, keep the puking to a minimum. Kristy Joe is concerned about Big John's presence, as he kicked 5 ladies out right off the bat last season. Bret says this time around, he's making all of the decisions. He picks 4 girls to stay behind - light skinned black girl Erin, tranny Daisy, stripper Destiney and Barbie Megan. Ok, something's up. The other ladies head into the mansion. Aubry, another tranny-looking gal is happy she made it. The ladies make a beeline for the beds and then the bar. Ok, I have found the truly scariest lady in the house. There's a French girl who wants to have sex with Bret in "ze pool." She is trannylicious! Zut alors! Bland-looking Korie heads straight to the bar and makes a ton of shots. Ok, back to the ladies who are still outside. They aren't leaving - Big John tells them they're Bret's VIPs. They get special VIP passes, a special VIP suite, champagne and swag bags from Ed Hardy (ok, I am finally jealous about something on this show!) All of the VIP gals get alone time with Bret. Aubry thinks it's BS that the girls got the VIP treatment and goes whining to the other girls.

Kristy Joe was annoyed with the VIPs, she said they were acting like their "s**t didn't stink." Destiney made a beeline to the pole. She says she went to Hollywood Boulevard to get some stripper shoes specifically for the pole. You could have just looked in your closet, sweetie! The scary French dame, Angelique, got on the pole and was less than graceful. She turned Aubry off strip clubs forever. Big John assembles the girls in the foyer. It's picture time. Catherine (ok, she looks old - she's still rockin' the 80s hair!) thought she was going to pass out. It was probably a hot flash or something. Bret tells the gals to give him what they've got (an STD?) "sexy...eyes...connection (drink!), the chemistry's gotta start here." Bret loves taking pictures (and making videos too!) as he feels he can see the girls' true personalities through the lens. Jackye says she's "never done this before" and then pulls her boobs together for a photo and then flashes her ass at Bret. Sure you haven't done this before. Jessica is the "innocent fun girl...sex behind the barn." What, Bret? Roxy is cute, so I'm reserving judgment on her until she opens her yap. Catherine and Sara don't do much. Bret was concerned that the girls were a little too conservative for him - and then it was scary Angelique's turn. She was the first to flash her silicone bags at Bret. She's had her boobs done twice, as well as her nose, lips and teeth. I'd get a refund on the facial work if I were you. Aubry said she looked like "a blowfish on acid." Bret noticed that once a gal flashed the boobs, it upped the ante for the remaining gals. He called the first topless girl a "trailblazer, like Lewis and Clark." Daisy also showed off her goods. Peyton is terrifying. Destiney was surprisingly demure. Kristy Joe said she wasn't going to "slut herself out." She won't be around for long. Inna did a split, which got a "Hi-yo!" from Bret. He said he and Inna were going to have a good time. Courtney seemed a little "uncomfortable" to Bret. He likes it when a girl's shy, but he doesn't like a lack of self-confidence. Poor Ashley had teeny boobies and in a room full of double-Ds, her lack of self confidence was clearly evident. Bret said her boobs were sexy - and he did pick small-chested Jes last season, so I think there may actually be a shred of truth there. Ashley, though, is utterly forgettable. Missi makes her first appearance...eh, and then soccer mom Ambre does nothing spectacular. Niki, with her white and black hair is very rock n' roll and scary Aubry showed her tats and then gave Bret a big 'ol sloppy kiss. Megan called Aubry an "old lady" and said that Bret kissing her was like "kissing his grandma." Megan was next - she went in for the kiss and Bret said "I allowed this -  I know it's against all of my morals, but I allowed her to kiss me." What a guy! He says she has a "horrific body" and says "she'll never find a man." Sarcasm is not Bret's strong suit. Kristy Joe is "one of the finest women" he's ever laid eyes on, but before he gets a kiss, she wipes his mouth off (I hope she used some Purel.) She admitted she's a germaphobe. Oh, she so won't last here! Erin "emcompassed rock and roll" to Bret. Is it because she posed with a guitar? I don't see it. Bret says the girls need to do something to catch his eye. He and John then head out to meet the girls.

Courtney says she's out of her element in the house, she feels like the fat girl. John announces to the ladies that he's going to meet privately with his VIPs first, and then mingle with everyone else before the night's elimination. Bret meets with Megan first. She's obviously the frontrunner here. She's a model. Everything's "great" in her life, but she just needs someone to share her "great" life with her. Hey, so's Bret! Let the kissing begin. She admitted she was drunk, but thinks she had a good time. She says 'I love Bret Michaels. Me and him forever." That's great, Megan, now go write that in your Hello Kitty diary. The other gals are still raiding the bar. Destiney gets her alone time with Bret, and she gives him a special gift - a studded bandana. Won't those studs rip out his weave? Destiney giggles as she attempts to talk to Bret and promises she's not a "psychotic fan" or anything - she's just obsessed with Bret. Ok, here's your Lacey. Bret noticed that she cackled a lot, but said "her hot lips and heaving breasts more than made up for anything that may be slightly annoying." He kissed her to shut her up. Bret kissed Daisy/Hedwig and she felt fireworks. She's a musician and thought they were making an instant connection (drink!). Meanwhile, Inna's wasted, but was determined to get some time with Bret, so she emerged from the hot tub and gave Bret a wet hug. Big John dragged her away and brought Bret his last VIP, Erin. She says Bret will love her personality and charisma. She picked up the guitar about 4 months ago and learned HTML so she could go on MySpace. She's learned about what's going on in the world through MySpace. Uh-oh. Bret's not picking up on any charisma here, that's for sure, "but she's hot." With the VIP time over, Big John informs the remaining gals that they have an hour to meet with Bret before the elimination. Bret immediately gets bombarded with silicone, weaves and bleach. Angelique gives him a French kiss, of course, which grosses out the other girls (and me.) Bret says he could handle the bombardment, because "bombardment and rock and roll go hand in hand." Roxy pulls Bret aside and says she'll do whatever he  wants to get to know her better, but we never find out what he wants from her, as a bunch of other ladies descend upon Bret, who says "you can never have too many girls sitting on your lap." Soccer mom Ambre is grossed out by all of the tongues, and actually says "gnarly." 1985 called, they want their expression back! Again, the gals have split into the sluts and the "shy girls." Catherine finally gets a chance to talk to Bret. He wants a chance to try and make a connection (drink!) with her. She's 45 and has 2, 16-year-old sons. Oh, homegirl will never make it on this show. They kinda have a moment, which is interrupted by scary Frenchie. Bret said Frenchie's neediness was kind of a sick turn-on for him. Frenchie and the whores drag Bret off. Kristy Joe isn't one to take her clothes off and jump on Bret - she does Playboy, but "that's a different style." Okee-dokee. Jessica asked Missi if she got to talk to Bret and she told her she said "hey" and gave him a kiss on the cheek (completely in passing, by the way) and thought they might have a "connection" (yep, drink!) The shy girls are still debating if they should push their way past the hos and talk to Bret. Kristy Joe feels like she's got no game and fears she's going to be eliminated.

The party moves into the house. Jackye thinks she's the girl for Bret. Bret liked the "cool, hot Italian thing she's got going." He thinks Niki needs to "step it up" if she wants to stay in the house. He still hasn't made that "connection" (drink!) with her..."connect, connect, connect." (Oh, just drink whatever you have left!) Bret wants to know what Jackye and Niki would do after a one-night-stand to "go on." Niki says sex, to her, is "everything." She has effectively "stepped it up." Courtney, meanwhile, has been drinking a lot of whiskey. She's really drunk. She is still in the "I'm fat and ugly" thing. Ambre wants to talk to Bret, but is more concerned about some drunk whore she just met. That's the soccer mom in her. Kristy Joe finally gets time with Bret, as he takes her and Missi into the house. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom (classy) and gets distracted by the girls doing a little pole work. Jackye was a great pole dancer. Missi, who was last seen wiping her runny nose with the back of her hand (ewww) confessed that she liked horses, they are "pretty." Oh, just leave now, will ya? Big John reminded him that he left the girls on the couch and he returned to My Pretty Pony and Kristy Joe. He found that KJ's icy personality was intriguing to him. And he "massively wants to suck her face." Bret again excused himself, and Missi gave him a kiss. He then turned to the germaphobic KJ - would she kiss him? Nope! She doesn't know where those other mouths have been. She's a wise one, that Kristy Joe - so she'll never last at disease central! Jessica is determined to make Bret get to know her and kisses him - with soccer mom Ambre right in the middle of them. Bret is positive he's met everybody - or did he? He didn't meet Courtney, who is now passed out on the couch. Whoops. Big John tells the ladies they need to get ready for the elimination. Destiney says she's got nothing to worry about. Courtney has regained consciousness, but is still three sheets to the wind - and incredibly insecure. Her new friends attempt to get her changed and downstairs, but homegirl can't even walk. 5 girls are going home tonight. Erin is confident she's not going to be one of them. Daisy is confident, but isn't positive she's going to be sticking around. Jackye, who I finally figured out looks like Nia Vardalos from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" is really nervous and her stomach is turning and turning. Courtney passes out in the bed again, and the girls wisely decide to leave her behind. Bret makes his decision - let the eliminations begin! Bret notices that someone's missing - Big John tells her Courtney's just not gonna make it. Staying are Megan (duh!), Daisy, Destiney, Aubry, Peyton, Inna, Roxy, Korie, Jessica, Sara, Catherine, Kristy Joe, Niki, and Angelique (he felt a "spiritual connection" - drink - with her when she took her shirt off). There's one last pass, and the remaining girls all think they're the ones who are going home. Who gets it?

Ok, the last pass goes to...Jackye. Erin was shocked, as she thought she had a guaranteed spot. Jackye told Bret that before he came out she wanted to go home, because she's having anxiety but now she wants to stay. Roxy wonders if she's bipolar or something. Bret wants to make sure she really wants to be there, so he doesn't send a more deserving girl home. She says she had just better leave and give another girl a chance. Say what? Bret thought her honesty was "awesome." So, who takes her place? It's soccer mom Ambre, who's more than happy to continue to rock his world. It's now buh-bye time for Missi, Ashley and Erin (her elimination made Angelique very happy - because it demonstrated that he was looking for "more than just a pretty face" - which is a good thing for her scary face!) And, no surprise, the tour is over for drunk Courtney as well.

This season is going to be really good - the scenes they teased include some "Rock of Love" alums, including Rodeo, Heather and craaaaazy Lacey! I can't wait until next week!