Miss America: Reality Check (Episodes 1 & 2)

TLC, the new network home of the Miss America pageant, is taking the reality-show tie-in to a new level. Whether it's a high or low level is yet to be seen, but the premise is entirely self-serving. In an attempt to modernize a pageant that some Americans view as sexist and outdated, TLC collects all 52 (52? Guam?) Miss Americas in a house and teaches them how to be... normal. Actually, the word that GOD-AWFUL ANNOYING host Michael Urie oft uses is "relatable." Meaning, we think, having a job, wearing less makeup (and far less sequins), and to talk like a human, as opposed to an android. The goal is to change the girls' images from "pageant" to "people." Basically, TLC wants people to start watching the stupid pageant again so it can cash in. They figure that if they try to update the girls (and humiliate them a little as well... or, alot), people will start tuning back in.

The girls walk out to the backyard of this mansion in "crown, gown, and sash." They look like the prettiest girls at the truck stop. Once outside they are greeted by uber-douche Michael Urie. I didn't even know this guy was famous, probably because I don't watch his crappy show (yes, I hate Ugly Betty, whatever). He's bad. But, him aside, the show gets interesting by introducing the girls in edited interviews and going through their wardrobes. Bring in Stacy and Clinton from TLC's What Not To Wear. Not only are they fashion experts, but they are employees of TLC and probably contractually-obligated to be on set and smile. They explain what a "modern woman" would wear, promise immediate makeovers, and tear apart the girls' suitcases. Ugly clothes fly by in polyester waves. There's also a very fine, fine line between "pageant shoes" and "stripper shoes." One girl even denies that the clothes are hers (you're going to make a great alibi someday).

After the clothing mayhem, Michael Urine introduces the panel of judges who will be monitoring the girls' every move. We have Dina, editor of US Weekly, Jeannine Mai, celebrity stylist, and Mark Liddell, celebrity photographer/token Brit. Oddly, Urie doesn't mention if there will be eliminations. I hope so, because it's going to be damn difficult to find tenuous emotional connections to these girls if I have to empathize with all 52 of their crazy asses. The three girls who rank the highest at the end (according to what criteria I don't know) will each receive $10,000 in scholarship money and a wardrobe from whoever sponsors the show.

The girls are broken into 6 color groups; each group of girls has something in common. As the teams are forced to pow-wow and figure out what this commonality is, we're introduced to Miss Vermont. She's definitely modern, in the way that she's all feminist-y and brunette. The girls chat and we learn what else is in store for them. Turns out that as a result of this show, America (read: not pageant professionals) gets to pick one of the 16 Miss America semi-finalists. Seriously - us. They're giving it to us to decide which girl we like best. I am not sure I'm ready for this responsibility. Anyway, the girls learn what their teams mean: blue = most wins (by state), green = held title in last decade (2 from OK), light blue = never won, all came in 2nd, red = most winning combo as brown hair/brown eyes, purple = oldest girls, pink = no winners, nor second place (aka the LOSERS). Whew. They are also sponsored by Under Armour. I'm jealous.

The girls primp for the last 20 minutes before their first challenge. Current outdated Miss America Lauren Nelson is there, being intimidating. The teams will compete in a course that shows their versatility: hurdles, puzzle of the US, then grab their state flag and sprint to the finish. It is not clear if the winner actually wins anything. We learn that Miss South Carolina has a medical condition, but she also has spunk. Miss Pennsylvania (represent!) is a dumbass and couldn't identify our state flag. Next, the girls were told to primp (again) and that they would be having a dinner party with a special guest. Primping ensues and I'm wondering what monstrosity would happen if the sprinkler system were set off, sending rivers of foundation running. Well, except for Miss Utah, former military chick who doesn't wear makeup.

Anyway, in cheesy Michael Urie fashion, it is announced that the "special guest" is "controversy." Ugh. The girls gab about homosexuality, animal rights, and pre-martial sex. It's boring conversation, safe and politically-conservative. That is, except for Miss Vermont, the most bland of liberals. The panel deliberates for 30 minutes. For the final segment, we break the girls down into top 3, bottom 3, and pool of mediocrity.

My friends and I (home from the bar and watching the 1am repeat) were taking bets on who would be best/worst based on the editing. And whewwwww boy, we were wrong! The editing made us think that Miss Vermont was the modern woman TLC was looking for; nope - she's bottom 3. Miss PA, the dumbass who forgot her flag and had a suitcase full of South Philly hooker gear, made the top 3. So did Miss SC and her swollen lymph nodes and Miss Utah and her running jacket. Joining Miss Vermont on the bottom of the pile were Miss Idaho (she definitely da ho!) and Miss Oklahoma (who was shocked and embarrassed, considering her state is the reigning winner). And that was painfully slow and poorly edited episode 1.

Whew..... now that we're through with that, lemme bring you up to speed on this week. No one got eliminated and once again, the editing had no sense of foreshadowing whatsoever. This week all of the girls got makeovers... well, almost all of the girls. Miss Illinois stuck to her guns and rather than chop 3 inches off her hair, she took the suggestions into consideration and made her own makeover. They talked about this for approximately 48 of the 60 minutes of the episode. Wait... I mean, those 48 minutes were commercials, the remaining time was spent talking about Miss Illinois and her (eventually smart) refusal to be made over.

The episode opens with an insight into life in the house. Miss Alaska annoys the shit out of everyone. She's kinda cool for real life, but in pageant world she is far too outspoken and loud and "weird." We get our fill of primping shots. Miss DC has a non-pageant moment of emotion about how her dad was a crackhead and now she's beautiful. While primping, Miss Utah goes for the truck stop hooker look; she's joking, because the judges told her to turn up the sexy, but the other girls are pissed that she's not taking this seriously. I, for one, find her antics hilarious, but she will not be winning anytime soon. I just realized that there is like, absolutely no way that the real Miss America judges won't be able to take this show into consideration. So... if you act like an asshat on here, are you not going to make the round with the tough questions? Hmm...

Anyway, Urie arrives, annoying me, and announces that the next challenge will be about beauty and brains. Decked out in bikinis (I should say swimsuits, because Miss Vermont's hippie/fat little ass had a FUGLY ASS one piece on, it looked like something an insecure flapper would wear in 1920s Atlantic City, ugggggh), the girls need to answer trivia questions. If you get a question wrong, you dive in the pool. This process continues until one girl is left. The pool part worries Miss Florida, who did not get the memo about wearing waterproof makeup. Of course, dumbass is also the first one forced to dive in. Irony. It's great.

I'm not going to get into it, but basically most of the girls end up in the pool immediately and Miss DC fakes an asthma attack. Now, I'm no doctor, but I'm both asthmatic and a bitch so I am going to contend that chick faked the attack. Mostly because the pool was like, twelve feet long and she basically THREW herself onto the deck and SCREAMED "I'm having an asthma attack!!" Then we went to commercial and when we got back she like, magically jumped up and continued to answer questions. Yeah, that's not how asthma works. You can't breathe, let alone TALK or SCREAM. Dumbass. Well, it wasn't as dumbass as the way they played up Miss Alaska chopping off her hair ("Coming up, one contestant takes the biggest risk of her life"). Anyway, by some act of God or Bruce Springsteen, the charmingly inarticulate Miss New Jersey is left standing. Pennsylvania should hang her head in shame. The girls get critiqued all wet and without makeup and are off to makeover land.

Miss Indiana, who looks about 45 and like one of those Real Housewives bitches, admits she doesn't know how to change her look. She lets herself be clay in the hands of the stylists and becomes HOT. And then she's like, super modest and humble about it. I kind of love her. The girls get new headshots too, which is good because most of the old ones looked like publicity stills from Dynasty. Miss Utah loves her new hair, but then can't love the camera. She's so shockingly awkward it makes you wonder how bad the competition must be in... Utah. Guess you won't be going to BYU next year, huh horny high school senior? Yeah. Didn't think so.

After the hair chopping goodness, we get to the painfully slow and unexpected rankings. The top three included the newly young-looking Miss Indiana, Miss Fakey Faker (DC), and Miss Do-It-Yourselfer Miss Illinois. In the bottom of the heap of hair and sequins stood Miss Washington (who is fucking HOT AS HELL and I don't get why she is last), Miss Utah (one week you're the windsheild, the next you're the bug!), and Miss Alaska, whose "biggest risk of her life" of cutting a foot of hair didn't pay off. Which is funny because all they talked about was how great her hair looked. And it did. I don't understand the editors, Michael Urie makes me want to eat a bullet, and I will definitely watch this show as it repeats 900 times a week. Love it.