Law & Order: SVU "Signature" (Episode 196)

A park ranger and his foster son engage in some heartwarming banter whilst briskly rustling through the jungle that is Central Park. "You're not my dad," blah, blah, issues of abandonment. That's when they notice a stink and of course, it's the rotting stench of dead bodies--a man and a woman. Because most of my knowledge of New York City comes from watching episodes of SVU over and over again, I have formed the conclusion that it is a veritable sea of dead bodies. I wish they'd just go ahead and name it Corpse Park and be done with it.

Anywho, SVU arrives and the real fun begins! Multiple ligatures! Bruising! Burnt areolas and labia! And there are maggots crawling up the woman's neck and DAMMIT SVU, I'm trying to eat here. Detectives Olivia Benson and Chester Lake scramble through the forest to Dr. Melinda Warner, who is in the midst of examining the bodies. A tech informs Olivia encouragingly that she is on the lookout for "sperm clusters and foliage smears." Sounds like a depressing scavenger hunt. Rimshot. OK, so the killer turned the body over 48 hours after death, indicating an impulse to visit the scene. When Olivia presses for a cause of death, a monotone voice interjects, "Dry drowning." FBI Special Agent Lauren Cooper (played by guest star Erika Christensen) informs the SVU team that the killer is most likely the serial killer she's been trailing known affectionately as "The Woodsman." The woman was the killer's victim and the man most likely stumbled up on them and met his demise. Christensen seems to have one speed and that is mournful. Dammit, if I'm found with electrical burns on my areolas and labia, I want tempers flaring! None of this tragic stuff! And scene.

Olivia bitches to Cragen that maybe it wasn't The Woodsman and Cragen has to tell her they need the FBI's help and not to worry, Cooper's not here to steal her man, i.e. Stabler. Well, he doesn't really, but then again he doesn't have to, as I'm sure Olivia's been rubbing her protective pheremones all over her partner every time he dozes off for a nap. Also, Stabler and Finn are out of town in Montreal, I'm guessing at a film festival, since it gives me joy to imagine that and we then see Cooper dressed in a silky blouse, a few buttons strategically unbuttoned as she briefs the remaining members of the SVU gang on her buddy The Woodsman. Hmm, nice cleavage and all, but with Finn and Stabler not around and Munch nowhere to be seen, I have a feeling except for Cragen, her wiles are pretty useless with this bunch. And Cragen's too damn exhausted from SVU shenanigans anyways. The killer has probably killed 25 victims, raping them, leaving the bodies, returning for some more fun before putting a bag over their heads and finishing the job by filling it with water. Ooh, he sounds hot. I wonder if he's single, y'all! I totally bet I could be the one to change him! The abduction timelines appear to overlap, meaning that he likes his victims to watch the other being tortured. Olivia does not like finding out this out and admonishes Cooper because there could be another victim out there. An email was sent alerting park admin as to the location of the body of a dead dog, which turned out not coincidentally to be where the bodies were found. Why would the killer alert anyone to the whereabouts of his victims? We're not sure, but it's off to the strip club to find out more information about a near match on the missing person's sketch that seems to match up with an exotic dancer there.

We find out the stripper's no longer missing and blah, blah, blah, Cooper gets mad which is a welcome change from the near-tears facial expression she's maintained so far. Let's look for the other victim! On the way, the ladies have a pissing contest about their jobs--I save kids, I work in behavior, who cares? On to the waitress, who is the other sketch near match. Go to the parents, their daughter was involved in a group that studies plants in the park. Sounds like a SERIOUSLY BORING CULT. On to the park! The ladies interview the group leader, tell him she was murdered and immediately assume he's guilty. He seems to check out and we're done here, thanks!

We find out during B.D. Wong's assessment of the killer's behavior that Cooper's partner and mentor, Tillman eventually went crazy during their pursuit of The Woodsman leading to his eventual suicide. Hence the perpetual cloud over Cooper's head. Wong asks Cooper about why the killer's profile is full of holes, why Tillman's report appears flawed and Cooper responds with an emotional outburst to confirm that Tillman went crazy and dammit, she blames herself!

Apparently, the dead body of the man is the killer and we found The Woodsman and it's Larry Moore a park ranger. He's moved from the woods to the city, changing his M.O. and we're guns blazing, looking for the new victim at his apartment. Cooper and Olivia share a girly moment. They now have a pissing contest over who had the worst childhood. Ladies, please. Angry searching ensues! We find a park ranger jacket. In the desk, Olivia finds a key. Murder room key? A picture with the caption "Aunt Helen" leads us to the killer's aunt. She's not happy to hear that her nephew's a serial killer, but doesn't seem shocked. We find out of his record as a juvenile and how he was accused of touching some of the girls he worked with doing Central Park community service and EWWWWWWW he totally sexually abused his aunt. Gross. She said he liked ships. So, we're off to the waterfront!

We need to find a warehouse near water. Olivia pulls out a receipt for "Augusta Cruises," blah, blah, research and let's call the Maritime Commission! Using some muscle, they manage to find the room that matches the key. A TV plays a video of a woman being tortured and the room is outfitted for torture, completely with a metal bed, and all kinds of complicated metal instruments of a grisly nature, reminding me to lock my front door. In a compartment under the metal bed, we find the killer's latest victim and she's alive and everyone wets their pants a little cause she totally scared us all. Cooper suddenly has the bright idea to use one of the hanging scalpels to cut the duct tape off the victim's mouth and from here, I can see how that might not work. Yeah, let's wait for the solution to help the tape glue dissolve. And commercials.

The victim's in the hospital and gets a visit from Benson and Cooper. She's in a bad way, unconscious and has only said one thing, her name, Amy. Note to self, buy rape whistle. The two women examine Amy's body and for a second there, I thought Olivia might get lucky and get to rape kit her, but no such luck. Emotional Cooper starts crying and Olivia almost looks pissed for a moment that this sensitive agent might steal her self-righteous thunder. Good thing Stabler's not here to see it, or Olivia might be forced to bring up her rapist dad.

Back at the station, surveillance footage outside the Internet cafe where the email was sent puts Cooper at the scene of the crime. She killed The Woodsman and Olivia is forced to interrogate her. Let the self-righteous competition begin! Cooper invokes the right to remain silent and the two have a near-tears stare down to see who will break first and Cooper wins.

At Cooper's apartment, they search for evidence of the murder. Chester uses his deductive logic to find a trophy of Cooper's crime, a gun shell.

Back at the interrogation, Cooper's boss comes to escort her off. Olivia and Cooper can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. Shame Stabler's out of town.

It's time for a trial and Liza Minelli appears to be representing the people. Not sure why. The FEDs show up and the charges are dropped due to lack of evidence and clearly the ranks are closing to protect Agent Cooper. SVU and Casey Novak don't like this kind of tactic. Who do they think she is? Olivia Benson? Back to the station to have a discussion about what to do. Casey agrees to leniency. The gang formulate a plan to find the murder weapon. They decide to hunt for Tillman's gun that was used in his suicide. We visit his wife and she admits to giving Lauren the gun, but ultimately stonewalls Benson and Lake.

Proof of the murder weapon would be found in ballistics if they could just find it. Let's hurry before she dumps it! High-tension! Off to Lauren's apartment. She's sitting in the kitchen, gun and badge on the table. She admits to dismantling Tillman's gun and dispersing it throughout the city and is eerily quiet. Olivia reminds Lauren that although she sympathizes with her, she's still a better person. Lauren's good but Olivia's high-horse is a Clydesdale and the standoff ends with Lauren quickly pulling out her gun and blowing her brains out. Yowzah. This is going to require some major spooning when Stabler gets back.