Law & Order: SVU "Streetwise" (Episode 195)

A group of paintballers are playing war when one of them spots a rich socialite sprawled out in the park. She is actually dead though, and not just pretending so the cops get called and the weekend warriors have a story that they will be boring everyone with for the next ten years. The victim was killed by blunt force trauma to the head and her earlobes are torn. Doctor Melinda Warner found one diamond earring near the scene so the murderer must have dropped it when they fled. Dr. Warner also found "fluids" in the victim's underwear so maybe there was some rape going on somewhere between the earlobe ripping and blunt force trauma-ing. At the very least, it means the detectives from SVU will be assigned the case.

Detectives Stabler and Benson learn more from Doctor Melinda Warner after she has had the chance to examine the victim in her special rape lab. The victim was drunk at the time of the murder and whatever she was hit in the head with was painted black and had rust. The fluids found in her underpants didn't match up with any DNA in the crime database but the victim's fingerprints did. Our dead socialite is Shelby Crawford and has a record for drunk driving. Imagine that.

Detectives Benson and Stabler get the happy job of informing her parents. Her parents confirm that she was both rich and spoiled and was last seen preparing for a debutante's ball with her boyfriend. The parents show a picture of her with her boyfriend, Douglas Walsh, and she looks miserable. Maybe they weren't such a perfect couple? The detectives track him down at the Ball. Jesus, does anyone even know anyone that has ever been to a Ball? Detective Stabler interviews him and he does his best sensitive-rich kid routine and speaks quietly about their undying love for each other. Olivia Benson interviews her friends, Anna and Claire, and they tell the story that Shelby went into the park that night by herself. Skinny white bitch #1 cannot take the news that her friend is dead and therefore, probably weighs less than she does now. Skinny white bitch #2 tells Olivia that Shelby may have hooked-up with Tony.

Tony goes to public school and plays in a band called "Sticky Butterfingers" and, obviously, doesn't belong to the same social crowd as Shelby and her Ball-going friends. He tells Benson and Stabler that he and Shelby were in love and had a hump session outside on the stairwell while her friends and family waited inside. Sounds like love to me, or maybe it sounds like a bachelor party I was at recently in Tijuana, either way... After their quickie, his band played a gig at a club and the club-owner can alibi him. He shows the detectives a video message he received from Shelby. The video shows her in a park with Skinny white bitch #1 and they are getting tanked and I am sitting here wondering if I am the last person in the world that doesn't have an iphone.

The detectives go to visit Anna to find out why she failed to mention that she was with Shelby in the park and walk in on her about to hump Shelby's boyfriend Douglas. The detectives lean on both of them because they both have motive for killing Shelby. Anna wanted Shelby's boyfriend and was jealous of her and Douglas was jealous that Shelby was doing plebian rockers from a mid-tax bracket family. The interrogation succeeds at proving that both Anna and Douglas are morons in designer clothes but does little to help the investigation. Captain Donald Cragen interrupts the myspace feud to inform them that there was a hit on the stolen earring at a pawnshop.

Detectives Lake and Fin interview the pawn dealer. The name and address left by the pawner are obviously fake and the video shows a very young emaciated girl. Oh wait, emaciated only applies to the girls at the Ball, this girl was skinny. Junkie-starving-ethiopian skinny. They enhance the video and determine that the girl is both underage and most likely a runaway.

Detectives Benson and Stabler cruise the nearest youth shelter, which I can only imagine doesn't smell as bad as the Axe Body Spray infused Ball but probably doesn't smell like a new car either. The girl from the pawnshop is identified by her casewoker Paige. Her name is Josie and she is gifted in creative writing (but at the shelter I doubt this is a tough curve) but went back to her street family Phalanx. The family is ran by Cole (dad) and Cassidy (mom). Paige explains that street families are similar to real families only slightly less dysfunctional because they are usually only involved in robberies and murders but don't delve into probate lawsuits or blatant favoritism.

Benson and Stabler head to the Phalanx hang out and spot Josie. Josie is apprehended by Benson but Cole escapes Stabler by jumping on the back of a truck. Josie spits in Stabler's face and refuses to talk in the interrogation room. The detectives decide that reason isn't working with this street rat so they try something a little simpler - bribery. They order pizzas and pies and tell Josie she can have some if she tells them about the earring she pawned.

Josie tells them that Cole robbed Shelby but didn't kill her until Cassidy reported that Shelby called him "a fag" while he was walking away. Then, Cole returned and hit the girl with a "smiley chain". For those of you that weren't raised by wolves, a smiley chain is a pad-lock attached to a jain that is used as a weapon. I know, I thought it was another name for anal beads too. Josie tells them that the pad-lock was painted black. Ah-hah!

Josie is released to Paige, her caseworker and the detectives go on a hunt to find Cole. They return to the squatter spot that they found him at and see graffiti saying "Josie = traitor" and "Josie must die". Naturally, they believe Josie to be in danger and when they go to Paige's place they find Paige dead. They also find Josie's sketch pad where her creative writing stories detail some of the family's crimes. Robberies and murders mostly. Suddenly, momma Cassidy enters the squad room and starts talking. She tells them that Cole was super pissed after the cops apprehended Josie and he decided that she knew too much and had to be killed. Cassidy, being the good mother, took her "children" to another squatter's camp and came to the police to warn them that Josie was in danger. Josie is found dead. She was tortured and had her eyes gouged out. Cassidy agrees to tell them all about Cole's murders in exchange for a bus ticket to San Francisco.

Using the information from Cassidy, the detectives dig up the many bodies that Cole has left in his wake. They finally track down Cole to an abandoned warehouse. Cole gets the jump on Stabler but I will be damned if this skinny street punk junkie gets the best of Stabler. And I am right. After a brief scuffle, Stabler kicks his ass and puts him in cuffs. During the interrogation, Cole does the usual "I am a victim of your world" speech and it is sickening just how cliche it has become. Even the homeless sociopath knows how to play the victim card.

At Cole's trial, Cassidy testifies to what a monster he is. She details his murderers and Cole goes nuts. He constantly screams that she is a liar and that she will pay for all of it. He is finally ejected from the courtroom and then found guilty.

Case closed? Puh-leeze....this is Law & Order: SVU people.

A rich couple from the Ball-going crowd enter the squad room and state that Stabler was photographed with their missing daughter. A quick glance at the paper shows him with Cassidy and we realize that Cassidy wasn't the typical street kid that she claimed. It turns out that she was actually a former classmate and friend of Shelby Crawford and took to the streets because she was fed up with the confinement of Park Avenue. Apparently, mummy and daddie's rules and chauffeurs and requests to do well in school drove her to the streets where she can beg, steal, and shit in the bushes with the other "free" kids. Stabler and Benson use this information to press Cassidy. Her rat-pack family robbed Shelby and Cassidy knew that Shelby would I.D. her and so she told Cole that she called him a fag. It was Cassidy's lie that instigated the murderer.

Cole becomes willing to testify against Cassidy after hearing all the things she said about him at his trial after he was ejected. It hurt poor Cole's feelings that she called him a tyrant and a bloodthirsty murderer. What really gets him to testify though is that she was lying to him about her origins and that deep down she was still a Park Avenue brat, possibly Skinny white bitch #3? Cole testifies and the jury somehow swallows Cole's testimony and Cassidy is found guilty.