A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - "I Choose" (Series Finale)

Well, we've suffered through block-headed boys and beligerent babes, and now it's down to Dani and Bobby. Who shall prevail? Tila thinks that the dates, meeting the parents and wacky challenges aren't enough to determine wh "the one" is, so the two finalists are going to spend a day in Tila's shoes. The first sto in the "Day in the Life of Tila Tequlia Tour" is a recording studio, where D & B can explore life as a musician/songwriter. (Ummm, they cut to Dani for a "confessional" and she had a full face of make-up. What gives? Do. Not. Like!)

Tila introduces D&B to an "engineer" who's worked with such musical talents as Paris, Britney, Jessica and, of course, Tila (I hope he got a good price from the devil for his soul!) They got to first "rock out" to Tila's "hit" song (which I had never heard before. Sounds like a lot of her talking over a techno beat.) Dani, unconvincingly tells us she'd "buy, burn or own" her tunes. Tila then invites the duo to do their own take on Tilas's "hit". Bobby felt overwhelmed by the challenge. Dani said her lyrics "flew out" onto the paper. Bobby went first and delivered a horrid, white boy rap. (Sample lyrics: "So reach up and grab my pimp club/As soon as I win my shot at love." Lesson: don't get lyrical advice from Snow - I'm surprised he didn't throw a "licky boom boom down" in there!) Dani said his song was "gay" and Bobby confidently countered, saying it "wasn't a zero" (yes sweetie, negative scores are not zeroes!) Dani (who I adore, please don't get me wrong) was a bit more...ummm...enthusiastic in her delivery, screaming out lyrics, which basically called out her former competition (and they all thought she was so nice!) She called the gals "a bunch of sluts" (hey Dani, girl, they all weren't sluts, some were just stone-cold crazy - hello, Keasha!) To be honest, Dani, who I totally thought was firmly entrenched in Indigo Girls-land was a pretty adept rapper - and kicked Bobby's ass! She even got a compliment from the "engineer" (he allowed Paris Hilton to release an album...I wouldn't exactly take that as a compliment if I were you, Dani. Sorry.)

Tila decided it was now time to show Dani and Bobby another part of her life...the modeling part. She took some tacky photos with Bobby and Tila posed on a pool table. Bobby felt he had this challenge in the bag. He did, because they put Dani in "female drag" (including make-up) for her shoot. I can't for the life of me figure out why they made Dani look so unnatural. They should have used the old Cindy Crawford/K.D. Lang angle (just like in Vanity Fair all those years ago.) The three of them then did some sort of jungle-themed shoot; and Dani just looked completely awkward (her outfit also did not match Tila and Bobby's...foreshadowing?) Tila ends the shoot and heads home to plan a "big, big" dinner for them.

Tila had a "huge surprise" for her last dinner with Bobby and Dani. There were a lot more than 3 place settings at the table - could some of the previous contestants be returning? No, not that exciting...the families are back. Noticeably absent, Granny Dani! Tila felt since the families opened their homes to her, she owed them - and showed them around her (MTV-rented) digs. Upon seeing the lone contestant bed, Bobby's mother Donna said that she kenw Bobby could survive because he was such a "snuggler," she knew this because he slept in her bed until he was six-years-old (ewww! Thanks, mom!) Tila brought everyone down to the dining room for dinner. What everyone noticed (and hasn't ever been brought up before) is that the chandelier was made up of glass dildos. Bill, Bobby's stepdad, Bill ("Sam Elliot Lite") said it was "something...ummm...new." Tila planned a Vietnamese menu for the evening, mainly to make the family memebers look like complete rubes (mission accomplished, TT!) Tila tells the assembled family members that her choice isn't down to male vs. female anymore - it's down to Bobby vs. Dani and says there's "too much good" between the two and she's having a hard time making up her mind. This leads to the moms having a "brag fest" about their kids. Karla (Mrs. Dani) though Bobby's mom was being too dominant. Tila said she was "mad about" Bobby and "crazy over" Dani - to which Mrs. Dani said "crazy wins over mad." The mom vs. mom argument continues until Tila invites everyone for dessert in the stripper pole room. Bobby's mom went on the pole first. Bobby is "scarred for life" (so are we.) Tila showed Bobby's brother her pole-ocity - revealing her boobs in the process. Little bro was more than happy to see Tila's boob-i-cles. Bobby's stepdad, Bill, even hit the pole (now I am definitely scarred for life.) Tila and her potential soulmates then bid adieu to their families. We now see a promo for the Tila-hosted New Year's and, looking at the band line-up, I think I'm officially too old for MTV. Ack.

It's Bobby and Dani's last day at the house and both of them are anxious. Bobby feels he's 100% connected with Tila, and Dani just wants it to be over with. Tila says she's got a lot of emotions tied into these people. Dani and Bobby get their last message in the bottle. Tila has no challenge for them - they've been through a lot and deserve a day of pampering prior to the final elimination. Dani gets her first-ever pedicure. And then, we get flashback-o-rama, as we recall Dani's journey to the final 2. Then, since we have an hour to fill, we get the "Best'o Bobby" compilation. They could have so made this finale 30 miinutes.

Tila gets to have her last dates with Dani and Bobby, which are all-important, because Tila's still majorly on the fence about who she feels is "the one." She has a romantic dinner with Dani, who says she's never dated a girl who met her mother and gave her grandmother a lap dance ("already?") Dani tells Tila that she's best for her and thinks they could work. Tila laughs awkwardly. Dani got Tila a gift, "a little key chain thing" that had Dani's phone number in it. The gift "touched (Tila's) heart," and she wanted to get to the cuddling and snuggling. Dani was surprised to learn that Tila still hadn't made up her mind. She says they have a deep connection and share a tongue-less kiss and a hug. Things aren't looking good for our girl Dani. 

Tila hopes to see more heart in her last date with Bobby. She meets him at the grotto. Bobby, as always, was nervous about the date. Bobby gave Tila a gift as well -  suede-bound journal, so she can write the lyrics to her next song (do you really need a journal to write "Unnh...yeah....awwww..."?) Bobby babbled again. He hasys Dani is the "best of both worlds", but he's "in it to the end." They then made out. A lot. (With tongue, by the way.) Bobby says it's the sexiest kissing he's ever done.

Tila's (finally) made up her mind. She's excited but also sad and nervous about having to say goodbye to one of them. So, Tila puts on her best Homecoming dress, circa 1985, and heads to the pool area to announce the winner. Bobby and Dan both look cute - both in tailored menswear. Bobby says love snuck up on him and admitted he's not confident at all. Dani thought it was all game in the beginning until the "magic kicked in." Her hardest challenge was opening up to Tila (I would have thought it was eating those nasty animal parts. But that's just me.) Tila said her decision was harder than she ever dreamt. She discovered who was best for her. Dani's the best of both worlds (way to steal a line from Bobby, TT!) Bobby makes her laugh, never quit and fought for her until the end. Tila thinks he's a softie at heart. The decison is the toughest of her life (until season 2 of course.) Tila wants to take a shot at love with...pause...pause...Bobby. Of course. Who didn't see that coming? MTV really dropped the ball on this one, IMHO. They could have really had a positive message about acceptance of alternative lifestyles here, but they succumbed to their advertisers. Pity. If TT were truly bisexual, Dani was clearly the better choice. The poor girl walked away which brought on the "Wait...wait" run (from Tila) we've seen all season long in promos.

Tila runs after Dani and gives her a hug. She confessed that her "heart exploded" and she just broke down. She gave her a proper goodbye, but she's "in love" with Bobby. Poor Dani. She's hurt. I live an hour and change away girl, let's hang and commiserate. Dani thought she and Tila had something real and she's shocked that she wasn't picked. Tila returned to Bobby and told him that she was excited about starting their future together. She says she feels like she just got married and they were going on their honeymoon and says she's ready to show him what she has to offer and accept everything he's willing to give her. I'm not buying this. It's a little too scripted. Anyone? Think they'll last? We'll find out at next week's reunion (they had better bring Keasha back!) Hey girl, hey!