America's Next Top Model: The Girls Who Crawl (Episode # 908 )

I don't care what size she is, the girl is gorgeous.

So we skipped #907, because it was a recap of the first half of the season. To celebrate the return of real episodes, we get a heavy dose of Tyra tonight, talking all kinds of nonsense like it's scripture. We even get a new ANTM catchphrase: "Use your loveliness!" Which is, of course...

THE LESSON: Tyra teaches the girls (inexplicably in nude bodysuits) how to be models in music videos. This includes making flirty faces, sliding down a wall, and crawling like you're about to eat a man alive. Gee, "modeling" in a music video is a lot like what ANYONE would do in a music video. Tyra warns the girls -- don't be too hoochie -- but umm, making flirty faces, sliding down the wall and crawling like that are, by nature, hoochie acts.

THE CHALLENGE/THE PHOTO SHOOT: The girls are going to use their newfound non-hoochie hoochie skills in an Enrique Iglesias video. Two of them are chosen to be featured: Lisa, because she has long legs, and Heather, because she looks goth and the concept is something vaguely about vampires.

Bianca is so sick of Heather, btw, because she doesn't work hard, she's just pretty. Wahh. Next thing you're going to tell me is that modeling is based on appearances.

At the shoot, the girls are put in ridiculous video ho outfits (but don't be hoochie!!!) and Sarah is uncomfortable. She's skinny, but not that skinny, y'all.

Chantal thinks she has this thing sewn up, but the girl looks so bored and bitchy all the time -- the video director is disappointed. I'm sick of this girl, she can go.

Lisa rocks her featured scene. That exotic dancing experience (hoochie?) really comes in handy as she tries to dry hump Enrique Iglesias as she walks past.

It's all fun and games until Heather (the nakedestly wardrobed of them all) passes out and starts like, hyperventilating. It's weird and almost pornographic, honestly. The EMT tells her: "You need to eat something tomorrow." HA!

JUDGE'S PANEL: Without a photo shoot, the judges watch the girls' parts in the video. Jenah, who takes a great picture, doesn't do good video. Chantal does look as boring as she is bored. Saleisha is good, Sarah looks uncomfortable, Bianca makes weird kissie faces and Ambreal slides down a pole like a pro. Heather looks creepy and awesome despite her collapse.

The bottom two are Chantal and Sarah, who the judges say isn't the right size anymore. And of course, because their goal seems to be to make me effing crazy this week, they keep dumb Chantal and send gorgeous Sarah home. Boooo.