The Amazing Race: Donkeys Have Souls Too (Episode 12.01)

(Note: I've watched the Race since its first season and enjoyed the highs [the Guidos edit at the end of Season 1; anything involving Danny and Oswald; Colin's broken ox in Season 5] and lows [Flo; Jonathan shoving Victoria; the Family Edition]. Usually I devour any and all media surrounding the Race, but I wanted to hit this season free of any pre-airing hype and go with instant snap judgments instead.)

In the season 12 premiere, host Phil greets us from downtown Los Angeles, a.k.a. the "entertainment Mecca." He's not wrong. The eleven teams of two travel in classic convertibles to this year's departure point: The Playboy Mansion. Well, you can't get much more American than fake breasts, fake tans, and taking off your clothes for money. Why not start the Race from near the infamous grotto?

And away we go.

Marianna & Julia: sisters
I can't tell them apart yet. As we see footage of them riding a boat in bikinis, one of the women intones that they have the "heart of a soldier," "the good looks of a woman," and "the competitiveness and aggressiveness of a man." They later claim to be both "loud" and "verbal," so they're definitely getting an early Spicy Latinas edit.

Ron & Christina: father/daughter
They ride razor scooters as Ron admits he traveled a lot when she was a child. Christina says she wants to "treasure every day we have left together." Her father isn't even 60! He's not dying or anything, is he? Crap, I hope not, or else I'll feel like a real jerk. They are both very smiley... at least for now.

Kynt & Vyksin: "dating goths"
If I nicknamed teams — which I hope not to do, as it can quickly become annoying — they would be Team Can I Buy A Vowel. Or Team Trying Too Hard. Yes, they are indeed living the "goth" life, which apparently "is a celebration of beauty... art, with a darker edge." As they skip through a graveyard and apply each other's makeup, Kynt's voiceover explains that they're "real-life cartoon characters." Just because someone dyes her hair pink doesn't mean she's not wearing a uniform.

Donald & Nicolas: grandfather/grandson
They carry fishing poles near Oak Street Beach (Chicago, represent?) as Donald praises Nicolas for being an airplane pilot at such a young age. Nicolas responds by laughing about Gramps's habits of swearing a lot and talking inappropriately about "girls." Yay?

Nathan & Jennifer: dating
Jennifer mentions "trust issues" as they play on the beach and run through the surf in swimsuits. He admits that he was unfaithful and it was "one of the biggest mistakes of my life." Get used to sweeping statements from these two. Nathan has been trying ever since to prove his love for "this woman."

Azaria & Henekea: brother/sister
They are both engineers, and brother Azara claims they have an advantage because they are "more intelligent" than the other teams. If they were that smart, they wouldn't have let the producers film them playing with a basic chemistry set and what looks like liquid Kryptonite.

Jason & Lorena: dating
Lorena has been "waiting three years for Jason to make a bigger commitment" than living in sin. Jason isn't sure about marriage and he always feels he has a foot out of the door. Ugh. I know that people working out their issues on the Race is part of the appeal for some viewers, but it often runs out to be less entertaining and more squirmworthy. Also, they call each other "baby" a lot.

Kate & Pat: married ministers
I can't tell them apart yet either. The lesbian couple mimes a religious ceremony as they tell us that they are "not wimps for Jesus." They'll take your cab, so watch out! No doubt they will often evoke God, but since it's part of their job, I may not mind so much.

Ari & Staella: friends
They work in a restaurant together, and he trills, "Karma's a bitch, but I'm a bigger bitch!" Staella says that they won't be "making very many friends [on the Race] because of—" karma? (Spoiler!) "—Ari." Oh. He "tells it like it is." Yawn. I hate it when people claim that they are "direct" or "intense"; that usually translates to "assclown."

Shana & Jennifer: friends
They're the female team that is going to "flirt their way through the competition." The blondes lounge at a pool and shop as one says they will use their bodies! No one gets in the way of their $1 million shopping spree! Hardeeharhar. Needless to say, I have no idea which woman is which.

TK & Rachel: "newly dating"
He's got sandy-colored dreads and fell in love with her at first sight. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him. And since they are from California, they frolic on the beach in bathing suits. Their segment is the shortest and most drama-free, so either they're in the Race for the long haul, or they're too boring. Time will tell.

On the Playboy Mansion lawn, Phil gives his usual spiel about "the world is waiting for you" and "travel safe" before letting the pack loose. Teams run, clues are ripped. Also, did my ears deceive me or did Phil say "30,000 miles"? That's a fairly short Race. The first stop is Shannon, Ireland, and teams have to drive themselves to LAX to catch one of two flights. Grandfather Donald and grandson Nicolas are in the first car, and they take their sweet time getting in and counting their money as the other teams honk impatiently. Phill stands looking at the line of unmoving vehicles. Heh.

The teams reach Sunset Boulevard. Most teams are incredibly excited, screaming "Ireland!" or Woo!" or some variant. In the rush, five teams turn right (which is incorrect), and the other six teams turn left. When a team turns the wrong way, there's a rattling sound. Those who make the correct turn get bell chimes. I love the editors on this show so, so much. There's a reason they win all those Emmys. Lorena screams, "We're from L.A., people!" as she and Jason take the correct turn. There's a lot of confusion and blind following, per usual at the this stage.

All of the teams eventually find the airport — with Azaria snotting about women and directions and Kynt muttering "Oh my goth" in the meantime. The five teams on the first flight (British Airways) are Jason & Lorena, Shana & Jennifer, Nathan & Jennifer (gads, I just realized there are two Jennifers and they're both long-haired blondes), Kate & Pat, and Marianna & Julia. The other six teams are on the second flight (Aer Lingus).

An alliance formed between Ron & Christina and Azaria & Henekea results in Henekea borrowing a cell phone to call ahead and reserve two taxis in Shannon. The first flight, which went through Heathrow, is delayed in London. So the second flight lands first, at 12:42 p.m., and the six other teams — Ron & Christina, Azaria & Henekea, Kynt & Vyksin, Donald & Nicolas, TK & Rachel, and Ari & Staella — scramble for cabs. Bigger Bitch Than Karma Ari & Staella manage to snag one of the reserved taxis, screwing over Ron & Christina. It didn't look like a deliberate decision on Ari & Staella's part, but even as the cabbie says he thinks he has the wrong people, they assure him, "no, yeah you do."

Teams need to go to the port town of Rossaveal and catch the ferry to Inis Mór. Once there, they need to find Teampall Bheanain, a 10th-century ruin considered the smallest church in the world and sign up for one of three ferries returning to the mainland the next morning. The first-now-second flight lands at 12:49 p.m., and sisters Julia & Marianna see TK & Rachel and realize all of the teams are within mere minutes of each other. Kate & Pat enjoy the schaudenfreude of the Miami sisters' frazzled state. All of the teams land taxis and jockeying begins. Ron & Christina pass Ari & Staella, and when they meet Azaria & Henekea at the ferry, much rejoicing ensues. The first "bunching" of the season occurs as all eleven teams hop the 4:45 p.m. ferry.

On Inis Mór, several teams get bad directions. Trust Issues Couple Nathan & Jennifer are going in the right direction, but they fall back several places because she isn't running. He complains that she is "the worst person at this I've ever met." When Nathan points out that other female Racers have passed her, Jennifer shrieks, “I don’t care! Don’t compare me to other girls!” Then she runs. YIKES.

Several teams converge up a hill for the ferry sign-up. On the 8am ferry: Jason & Lorena, TK & Rachel, and Kynt & Vyxsin. Ari & Staella, Nathan & Jennifer, and Azaria & Hendekea will follow half an hour later at 8:30am. Nathan tells Jennifer he loves her as they kiss and make up. "That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do," she whines. Then her life must be pretty damn awesome. Leaving at 9:30am will be Shana & Jennifer, Kate & Pat, Marianna & Julia, Donald & Nicolas, and Ron & Christina. Several of the teams on the last ferry feel "broken" and dejected.

Back on the mainland, teams will choose a vehicle and drive 42 miles to Cleggan Farm, where teams will ride a tandem bicycle on a muddy trail to find their next clue. Lorena freaks out because she and Jason lose the other two teams, who had the correct directions. TK & Rachel arrive at the farm first, followed by Kynt & Vyxsin. The 9:00 teams follow close behind.

And it's the first Roadblock! "Who's ready to pedal for their partner?" One person pedals a bicycle 200 feet above the North Atlantic as his or her teammate sits on an attached seat 8 feet below. TK decides he will bike and Rachel will ride.

The 9:30 teams drive toward the farm, anxious and hyper to catch up. And it looks as if I'm not the only one who's confused by the Jennifers: when the blondes stop to ask for directions, the text onscreen reads "NATHAN & JENNIFER, Currently in Last Place." Oops.

Vyxsin and Nathan pick pedaling. TK admits he was scared. He and Rachel are the first to reach the next clue box. Each team has to choose a donkey, put 15 pieces of peat in each of two baskets, and walk their donkey to the entrance of the farm. Beasts of burden - yes! Always good for some drama and mixing up the team order. Anti-bunching, if you will.

As TK & Rachel leave, Nathan & Jennifer and Vyxsin & Kynt read the clue. One of them notes that the other teams have caught up. At this point, Nathan & Jennifer are in second place. Remember that. Azaria & Henekea are fourth to the donkeys, and Ari & Staella are fifth. Remember that, too.

Jason & Lorena pass TK & Rachel on the tandem bike. Their unintentional detour dropped them from first to sixth. Jason pedals across the ravine as Ari & Staella find out that their donkey is quite stubborn. Also mulish — ahem — is Nathan & Jennifer's donkey, which stops to let Azaria & Henekea and Vyxsin & Kynt pass. The donkey heehaws as Nathan & Jennifer lose their collective mind. I think there was a rule prohibiting literal ass slapping, because I find that if gentle encouragement and sweet talk doesn't work, a sharp smack on the hind quarters often does the trick. (This theory applies to almost every aspect of my life, by the way.)

Nathan wavers, "This is the most miserable thing I have ever dealt with in my life." Again, really? The most miserable thing ever? Well, your girlfriend thought climbing a hill in rainy Ireland was the hardest thing ever, so perhaps you're made for each other after all.

TK & Rachel deliver their peat without incident, and rip the clue. They are to drive 13 miles to the first pit stop, the Connemara Heritage Centre . Rachel says they just have to not get lost. Foreshadowing! Azaria & Henekea, who arrive second, remember driving by the Centre on their way to the farm. Vyxsin & Kynt follow them, and TK & Rachel wind up in third.

Meanwhile, Nathan & Jennifer and Ari & Staella cannot budge their donkeys. Lorena & Jason pass both teams.

Azaria & Henekea land on the mat first, and they win a trip to Alberta, Canada.

The 9:30 teams begin to arrive at the high-wire bikes. Nicolas pedals his grandfather across.

Second and third are Vyxsin & Kynt and TK & Rachel.

Ari screams at his donkey as Donald & Nicolas pass them.

Ron sings a terrible rendition of "Danny Boy," complete with incorrect lyrics, as he rides over the North Atlantic. Christina praises her dad as he grins, "Not bad for an old fart!"

Donald & Nicolas pass Nathan & Jennifer, and Ron & Christina pass both stalled teams as well.

To make my life more difficult, the final three teams at the high-wire consists of the pairs I cannot yet tell apart. Marianna or Julia, Kate or Pat, and Shana or Jennifer pedal the bikes as the teammate ride below. The blondes are last but are close enough to think they can beat the ministers in a foot race.

Lorena & Jason are team number 4.

All three teams pass Ari & Staella, with Shana & Jennifer's donkey hauling major ass to move them into sixth place.

Donald & Nicolas are team number 5.

Kate & Pat walk by Nathan & Jennifer and try to encourage their donkey as they pass. Ron & Christina make the same attempt but point out that yelling — as Nathan does — isn't going to work.

Shana & Jennifer are team number 6.

Nathan & Jennifer FINALLY get their donkey to move, as do Ari & Staella. Marianna & Julia pass Nathan & Jennifer. Nathan pushes as Jennifer pulls. Staella pushes as Ari pulls. Can you stand the excitement?

Ron & Christina are team number 7. Kate & Pat and team number 8. They celebrate together, and Ron chokes up a little bit because he says he doesn't want to disappoint his daughter.

Mariana & Julia and Nathan & Jennifer mutter "footrace, footrace" as they run to the mat, with Mariana & Julia arriving first. They are teams 9 and 10, and they all scream in relief. I believe Nathan & Jennifer honestly forgot about Ari & Staella in their confusion and donkey haze.

And Ari & Staella are eliminated. "Karma came back and bit us in the ass," Ari puns. Staella calls Ari her "rock." Eh.

I don't have any clear favorites or hates yet, but give me time. I was ready to write off Shana & Jennifer immediately but they stayed calm and collected when they were in last and managed to move up five notches, so points for that. Nathan & Jennifer melting down early and often — as well as calling Kynt & Vyksin "freaks" — is already tiresome. Speaking of, Kynt & Vyxsin need to stop using the word "goth" to describe themselves (count so far: 4). TK & Rachel seem mellow but could be too laid back; it's too soon to tell if they're followers. Kate & Pat could be fun.

Next week: Ron & Christian work out issues of their own, and Donald plays in a muddy stream.

LEG 1: Los Angeles, California, to Shannon, Ireland (via Dublin or London), to Rossaveal, to Inis Mor, to Celeggen, to Clifden, Ireland

PIT STOP: Connemara Heritage & History Centre, Lettershea, Clifden, Connemara, Ireland

ROADBLOCK: High-Wire Bicycles ("Who's ready to pedal for their partner?")
1st: TK
2nd: Nathan
3rd: Vyxsin
4th: Azaria
5th: Staella
6th: Jason
7th: Nicolas
8th: Don
9th: Marianna or Julia (I can't tell them apart)
10th: Kate or Pat (I can't tell them apart either)
11th: Shana or Jennifer (what did I just say?)

DETOUR: none

LEADERBOARD
Team Number 1: Azaria & Henekea (brother/sister) - PRIZE: trip for two to Fairmont Banff Resort, Alberta, Canada
Team Number 2: Vyxsin & Kynt ("dating goths")
Team Number 3: Rachel & TK ("newly dating")
Team Number 4: Jason & Lorena (dating)
Team Number 5: Donald & Nicolas (grandfather/grandson)
Team Number 6: Shana & Jennifer (friends)
Team Number 7: Kate & Pat (married ministers)
Team Number 8: Ron & Christina (father/daughter)
Team Number 9: Mariana & Julia (sisters)
Team Number 10: Nathan & Jennifer (dating)
ELIMINATED: Ari & Staella (friends)