How much is that t-shirt in the window?While Jack may be on the mend after his secret heart attack, he still can't pack away the red meat and booze like he used to, so he has a request: could Liz eat the steak sent up for his lunch? And while we're on the subject, can he watch her eat it? Liz shrugs yes, tucking in while Jack reads a profile of company chairman Don Geiss in this month's issue of "Yachting Illustrated". Jack is gunning for Don's job when Don kicks the bucket or retires, and he's doing his research. He's convinced that Geiss's sexual metaphors are meant to announce his imminent retirement. Jack reads for a few minutes, which is enough time for Liz to polish off the steak. "You at the whole thing?!" Liz: "A dog took it." Gulp. "He ate the whole thing."
Later at the studio, Liz catches up with Jenna, who has some exciting news: she's on The Japanese Porn Star Diet! She can only eat paper, but she can eat all the paper she wants! She'll drop the weight she gained playing in the musical version of "Mystic Pizza" in no time. Liz, ever the sensible one, has some concerns. Naturally, Jack disagrees and dispatches Jenna to Dr. Spaceman, who will no doubt prescribe an even crazier diet. Liz takes Jack to task for taking an irresponsible tack on the issue of Jenna's health, which is fine by the way, after his own scare. Jack dismisses Liz's objections to the double-standard: "Let's go to the the common room and talk about apartheid!" Bwahahahaha. And besides, as someone who hasn't even put together her home office (cue shot of boxes of Ikea-esque furniture with names like "blergh"), who is she to be giving life advice to the pudgy? At that moment, a tooth pops out of Liz's mouth, and Liz has no choice but to take herself to the dentist.
Instead of going with Liz to see who could only be Dr. Spaceman, Jack stays behind at the studio to trade barbs with his nemesis Devon. Devon's in from the West Coast and, also being a subscriber to "Yachts Illustrated" as well, intends to butter up Don Geiss for the chairman job. He's already engaged to Don's middle-aged daughter, Kathy -- Kathy waves "hi" from a few feet away. Jack wonders if Devon is actually straight, and Devon assures him that with the power of Practicology -- you know, the religion founded by the alien king living inside Stan Lee -- he definitely is! Devon plans to celebrate with Don, Mrs. Geiss, and Kathy tonight at dinner, at a restaurant, so take that, Donaghy!
Speaking of all things marital, Tracy and Dot-Com are still out of the house, and no reconciliation with Angie is in sight. Life must go on, though, and Angie will be by later to drop off more of Tracy's stuff. Angie the ex can't see how miserable Tracy is, so he dispatches Kenneth to pick up some decorations. While Kenneth wonders if maybe Angie has actually moved on with a new man, Tracy dismisses it (though he does take a moment to rant about the guy who re-did their driveway). When Tracy wanders off to do whatever it is that Tracy does, Kenneth gets a crazy idea. Uh oh...
According to Dr. Spaceman, Jenna's weight gain puts her squarely in "the disgusting range". Whatever dude -- when you sit down and see your belly fat pooch out like a fat balloon, then you can talk to me about disgusting. Not that I would know anything about pooched-out body fat. The situation isn't hopeless, though, as Dr. Spaceman has a question, then a suggestion: is tooth retention important to Jenna? If not, then crystal meth may be the answer to her problems. Jenna wants to explore surgical options, and perks up when Dr. Spaceman offers her a pamphlet for The Bradshaw Clinic. Is she interested? "Am I? That's where the Olsen twins were separated!"
Back at the studio, Jack confesses to Liz that he admires Devon for his ambition. Who can knock a guy who would gladly quash his own homosexuality, or conceal it, for a shot at corporate gold? But has Devon given up sausage for good? Kathy nowhere in sight, Devon sniffs up Kenneth at the vending machine. Naturally, Kenneth cracks in the face of Devon's predatory confidence, and blurts out that Jack had a heart attack. Jackpot for Devon -- maybe Jack should have had that steak for lunch after all?
Jenna runs the new diet plan by Liz, who isn't impressed by its combination of liposuction, bone-shaving and organ reduction. While they debate about whether or not Jenna is being mistreated because of her weight, Frank bursts in with a new idea for Jenna: "Me want food!" in all of her sketches. Liz objects, saying that Jenna will play the characters and dare America to challenge their own notions of what's acceptable. Frank is all "Why do you have to make everything an issue of everything?" Again, Liz's well-meaning if misguided advice. It's enough to make her lose a tooth.
I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
Tracy and Angie meet again, Tracy disguising his misery with a party hat. He isn't even cheered up by the return of the gold record he won for "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" -- "Boys becoming men! Men becoming wolves!" If the souvenir of a bygone 80's pop career can get Tracy out of the grumps, nothing can. He barely registers emotion until he sees Kenneth awkwardly hits on Angie. Dot-Com was right -- Tracy's all jealous now!
The evening kicks off with Don Geiss and wife having dinner with Devon and Kathy. Devon gets away with calling Don "Dad" a few times before Jack interrupts, hot model on his arm, looking to compete.
Liz's evening is taken up with "The Girlie Show" -- singing and rollerdancing Jenna isn't getting the audience to pay attention. She continues until her newly fat stomach, which comes with an altered center of gravity, causes her to fall flat on her arse. Not knowing what to do, she blurts out "Me want food!" -- of course, the crowd goes wild.
Dinner isn't going any better for Devon. When Devon drops his steak on Jack's plate, saying "I can never eat that much meat," Jack retorts "That's not what I hear!" Burn! When Don invites Jack to the house that weekend, Devon brings up all the sports and beer and red meat that will be involved before he vows to make Jack's heart explode. Game on, Tiger!
Tracy confronts Kenneth about Angie, not to throw down the gauntlet for Angie but to confess his realization: Angie, after suffering years of Tracy's own infidelity, deserves some fun of her own. Duly notified, Kenneth is dispatched to Tracy's with the mission of pleasuring Angie. That gets an "Aw!" because Tracy was being considerate, but also an "Ew!" because between Angie's bossiness and Kenneth's apparent sexual ignorance, I don't have much hope for a hot encounter.
The weekend finds Liz and Jenna in the plaza, where a fan of Jenna squeals in delight -- apparently, "Me want food!" was a bigger hit than anyone could have imagined. There's already "Me Want Food!" t-shirts at the network store. Congratulations, Jenna, you've got your own t-shirt, and all you had to do was gain a shitload of weight to get it!
Jack is in his element, playing touch football with a beer commercial's worth of young men. Also, he's wearing a Princeton t-shirt -- who knew he was such a Tiger? Anyhoo, Devon is trying to talk shit but stops short when a young man (who we'll call Yalie) doffs his shirt for the next game. Devon's breath is taken away, which allows Jack to tell him that Yalie wrestled in college. This is much too much for Devon, who allows himself to be pinned to the ground by the young buck.
Because he doesn't live at his house anymore, Tracy is in his dressing room. Dot-Com listens to Sade's "No Ordinary Love" on an iPod, crooning along in peace. Tracy tries to rest but he can't -- Dot-Com's dulcet tones lulls him into a nightmare of Angie and Kenneth (wearing an eye patch!) romping around his house, now a sexual playground. There are turkey legs, and back rub chains with Grizz. When Tracy comes to, he vows to put a stop to it. But before you do that, Tracy, could you let me get a turkey leg? I'm feeling kinda hungry.
Jenna finds herself at The Bradshaw Clinic, waiting for the yet-to-be-seen Dr. Wally to operate. Dr. Spaceman comes out to assure her that "it'll be like this never happened", which is enough to get Jenna out and over to Liz's. Not unlike Madonna in the video for "Papa Don't Preach", Jenna is keeping her fat, and not for any noble reason like Liz wants: people recognize her, and she "gets off" on it. Liz is all but don't you want to prove something, but Jenna is still not tryinng to take advice from someone who's hanging the wedding dress she bought for her non-existent wedding to her non-existent fiance on her treadmill, and still keeps her home office furniture unassembled in cardboard boxes.
Somewhere at the Geiss's, a hubristic Devon finds Jack resting on a tree-stump. Waving his hot dog -- an actual hot dog, not his dick, you pervs -- in Jack's face, Devon's all about that "Nanny nanny poo poo!" until he actually chokes on a hot dog piece. And yes, I had the same question as you all -- he's still got his gag reflex? Jack doesn't devote too much time to this question, as he gets Devon to agree, through a series of nods, that he will promise to stop destroying him in front of Geiss in exchange for the Heimlich maneuver. Safely out of death's grip, Devon gasps "You're insane!" before stumbling off to get tackled by Yalie.
Tracy comes home (which is a nice-ass mansion, by the way) to find Kenneth in the kitchen with Grizz, and Angie apparently waiting for Tracy. Angie is pissed -- Kenneth tried to kiss her before he threw up (not on her, thank god) and crying. While Tracy is relieved, he's still not off the hook. Angie has some demands.
- No more jewelry with her name misspelled (she holds out a nameplate necklace which reads "Anjy")
- No more sexually explicit skywriting.
- No more vomiting White boys in her foyer.
From now on, Angie will never let Tracy out of her sight. Tracy agrees, and the Jordans are reunited while a tearful Kenneth looks on.
Liz puts together a desk at home, though she has to wrap her wedding dress in a spare (?) leg to get it to stand up right.
Jack is trying to talk to Caitlin, a little girl who I suppose is Don's granddaughter, when Don finds him for a chat. They have a heart-to-heart, where Don reveals that he already knows about Jack's heart attack -- Devon told him about it earlier. Geiss confirms that he is concerned, though not in the way that Jack might suspect. Having physically died twice himself, Don wants Jack to take care of himself so that one day he, too, can ponder retirement like Don and get to do all the things he couldn't do when he was working: sail his yacht, spend time with his grandchildren, and get to know his secret family up in Canada. Hee! Jack has nothing to worry about -- Jack is definitely on Don's list. Jack is elated, so much so that he is almost tempted to steal Caitlin's burger. In the end, he is happy to settle for watching her eat it.
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