Moonlight: There's No Such Thing as Vampires (Episode 101)

Vampire P.I. (see also: Forever Knight and Angel), take three. We begin the proceedings with a dream sequence as our hero, Mick St. John, is interviewed by a woman off-camera. While Philip K Dick once asked, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (more commonly known in movie form as Blade Runner), apparently vampires dream of cutesy exposition. Mick's subconscious informs us that he doesn't bite people, doesn't sleep in a coffin, can't turn into a bat, and that long periods of sunlight make him feel icky, but aren't fatal. Also, garlic, crucifixes, holy water, and wooden stakes are useless against the fanged ones -- but flamethrowers and decapitation are killers. Interesting that they're being so specific about flamethrowers and not just, you know, flames. Finally, we learn that Mick doesn't hunt women, children or innocents. Unlike other vampires, he has standards, not to mention a big ol' hero complex. If you're thinking to yourself that Hollywood is out of ideas, you'd be correct.

Mick, played by hunky Aussie Alex O'Loughlin, wakes up and climbs out of his freezer bed, which has a glass lid. It's not clear whether all vamps sleep on ice, or if this is Mick's particular kink. Mick's emo voiceover (EVO) of exposition picks up where his dream left off. He whines about how lonely and misunderstood he is as we see him pad around his incredibly beautiful and stylish apartment. It could be worse, my friend.

Both Mick's laptop and desktop computer/TV display a screensaver that reads "Mick St. John" in huge type, just in case we're slow on the uptake. I know CBS skews a bit older, but I doubt senility has set in just yet for most of us. Anyway, Mick (St. John -- don't forget!) extracts vials of blood from a hidden fridge and injects himself. This officially makes no sense, because drinking something and injecting it are not the same thing the last time I checked.

The EVO continues (blah blah, when you live forever, the past comes back to haunt you, etc.) and Mick catches a story on "BuzzWire" (think TMZ level of journalism) featuring fetching newbie reporter Beth Turner, whom he seems to recognize. She and her cameraman, played by Kevin Weisman of Alias fame, are at the scene of the murder of a young woman. Beth tries to get the goods from a dapper police detective who brushes her off.

Mick (St. John!) watches as Beth pulls out all the stops to get a picture of the unguarded body, which is artfully splayed out in the middle of a fountain. Ponders Mick, "When you've been around as long as I have, you think that nothing could surprise you anymore, but that was before tonight -- before I saw her, walking barefoot through a freezing fountain at two in the morning." Wow, for someone who's been around so long, Mick St. John sure is easy to impress. (It's LA! How freezing could that water be?)

Plucky, courageous Beth snaps a picture of the dead woman and can't help but notice the two large puncture wounds on her neck. Beth stops contaminating the crime scene after being barked at by the dapper cop, and runs into Mick as she mulls over her headline possibilities ("Something with 'vampire' in it"). She immediately says Mick looks very familiar, but he insists they don't know each other. She asks him a couple of questions, looking dramatically at the crime scene at one point. When she turns back to Mick, he's gone! Ohhh, how mysterious of him.

The next morning, Beth and the cameraman find the dead woman's car, which they identify by the Hearst College sticker on it. Heh, nice shout-out to Veronica Mars. They also see a weird necklace thing hanging from the rearview. At the office, Beth's editor tells her that the vampire angle was simply genius, and a glowing Beth says it just kind of came to her. Oh Beth, don't be so modest! After all, it's not every junior reporter who could connect two bloody puncture wounds to the neck with vampirism.

Meanwhile, Mick goes to visit the only reason most people are watching this show. Mick's BFF Logan Josef is 400 years old going on 30, according to the EVO. Josef lives and works in a rather stunning house overlooking LA, so clearly he's loaded. Nubile women swan around the pool outside while Josef and his team of traders make calls, tap high-end computers, and do stock market-y things. Jason Dohring's suit pants are distressingly high waisted, and I'm not digging the suspenders.

Josef kvetches rather loudly to Mick about this "vampire" murder being bad for business and their health and safety. Clearly Josef's employees know about his blood-sucking ways, since when he barks out "Hungry!" at one point during his paranoid ranting about torch-bearing mobs, a young woman slinks in to supply Josef with a snack.

Before Mick leaves, Josef gets up close and personal and reminds him that Mick's inner vampire can only exist on "retail blood" for so long and that the craving will take over. It's unclear as to whether Josef only partakes of willing hotties, or if he also kills people. The two most important things we learn in this scene: 1. Mick is 90 years old. 2. Jason Dohring is just as handsy with Alex O'Loughlin as he was with Francis Capra. I expect the slash to appear on the internets by morning, people.

Alex goes to the morgue to get some blood and info from his coroner dealer. He takes a whiff of the dead girl from the night before, and sees a blipvert of what I assume are events leading to her death. So I guess he's got...psychic smell? Well, that's possibly the only original idea in this whole show, so I'll go with it. Mick notes that there's no scent of vampire on her, and learns that she wasn't drained completely.

In his very nice convertible, Mick broodingly remembers a case from 22 years ago that made him a do-gooder and changed his life forever. (Forever!) "Los Angeles, 1985" appears onscreen, just in case counting back 22 years is too challenging for us. In misty, water-coloured memories, Mick relays the case of a missing little girl. In the girl's room, Mick breathes in deeply and smells a few flashes of the kidnapping.

Back in the present day, Beth and Mick both break into the dead coed's apartment and meet cute, including her breaking a vase over his head, with the obligatory "Ouch" in response. I fear my eyes could be permanently strained with all this rolling. After some back and forthing, Mick and Beth (Bick? Meth?) team up and find another of the weird necklaces, which is some hieroglyphic having to do with ancient blood cults. A vial of blood is inside. When someone named Josh calls Beth (she refers to him as "honey"), Mick pulls another disappearing act.

At the coed's funeral, her young university professor gives her eulogy while goth girls sniffle. The prof is played by Rudolf Martin, who you might remember as Dracula on Buffy and various Eurotrash baddies on too many shows to name. After the funeral, a blonde girl named Chloe attacks Professor Ellis, slashing his neck. Mick plays literal bloodhound and tells Beth that the blood in the vial from the dead chick's apartment is Ellis's. Of course, he doesn't mention how he knows this.

That night, Beth tracks down Chloe at her diner waitressing job and Chloe spills the beans on the good professor's vampire-worshipping blood cult and how she got her friend Kelly (the deceased) involved. Mick visits the prof's bitter wife, who's only too happy to tell Mick all about her hubby's extracurricular activities with nubile college students. Beth sits in on Ellis's class and easily gets an invite to his "study group." The TA gets her digits, and I'm calling him (har har) as the killer.

Mick stands on a rooftop in the moonlight, waiting for David Boreanaz to show up and challenge him to a brood-off overlooking the city as he ruminates on finding the killer. Between scenes like this, the blipverts, and the cityscapes that transition between scenes, the Angel rip-offs homages are coming fast and furious. Which would be fine if the show's writing staff had a quarter of the talent of Whedon et al.

The next morning, Mick visits Ellis and fiddles with some ancient artifacts, including a mask. The prof insists he is a vampire, but in some new-age way that's less sucking blood, more absorbing energy, or something. Whatever -- he's banging students and luring them in with his mumbo jumbo.

Dapper cop Carl tells Beth that Kelly had accused Chloe of stalking her, and that they were both likely having sex with Ellis. Carl notes that "threesomes never end well," to which Beth responds, "Huh?" I tell you, I haven't seen dialogue this snappy since Yes, Dear was on the air.

Mick finds Logan Josef waiting for him in his apartment. Josef is enjoying a glass of Mick's finest morgue-supplied blood and gives Mick an earful about the media attention being drawn to vampires thanks to that meddlesome Beth. He seems to think that they could be exposed at any time, although now that the Weekly World News has folded, I don't think he has anything to worry about. Josef wants Mick to make sure Beth stops using the vampire angle, and also utters the first intentionally funny line of the episode when he says that it's "fielder's choice" whether Mick wants to ask her nicely or knock her off. Oh, Jason Dohring. I do love you so.

At the diner, Chloe displays an acute lack of survival skills and is murdered by someone in the ancient mask from the prof's office.

Meanwhile, Mick broods via EVO that "relationships are complicated." Man, this is DEEP stuff, y'all. Tell us more, Mick! Beth shows up and fills Mick in on Chloe's restraining order. She also tells him that she's going to the prof's study group, prompting Mick to get all manly and protective. Beth once again tries to figure out where she knows Mick from, and after she's gone Mick returns to the flashback from 22 years ago (that's 1985 in case you've forgotten). Turns out that Beth, I mean, the little girl, was kidnapped by Mick's evil ex-wife Coraline, who is a vamp of a woman in every sense.

Beth gets wired by her cameraman before going to study group just as Mick finds Chloe's artfully draped body in the diner. He runs off to save Beth, who is venturing into the school boiler room for some one-on-one time with Ellis. He gets handsy and blathers on about heartbeats, and of course feels the wire. They struggle, and she escapes into the waiting arms of the TA. To the surprise of no one, the TA injects her with something and tosses her into his car.

Mick comes flying down into the boiler room and vamps out on Ellis -- eyes going white/yellow, fangs extended. He puts the fear of god into the good professor and then puts his nose to work, seeing blipverts of Beth and the TA. In the car, the strangely Australian TA tells Beth that Ellis needs to fulfill his true destiny and stop dicking around with chicks. Mick runs super fast and ends up crashing the TA's car. Before passing out again, Beth sees the TA stab Mick, but he dispatches the Aussie quickly.

As Mick carries Beth to safety, he flashes back again to 1985 and his wacko ex-wife. They go all vampy and fight over the kidnapped girl, punching, biting, kicking, and at one point kissing each other, which is actually a bit hot. More of this please, CBS! Then Mick stakes Coraline with the leg of a broken chair, lights the place on fire and rescues the girl as we suddenly visit the year 2003 with Evanescence's "My Immortal." Yes, they really used that song. Coraline burns to death, but I'm sure we'll see her again soon, since she's a regular after all.

Then Mick hits us with the shocking (shocking!) twist that the little girl has grown up to be Beth, and that he's tried to watch over her and keep her safe over the years. He ponders the fact that the last time he held her in his arms, she was a child, which I find fairly creepy. Beth wakes up on Mick's couch and remembers that Mick saved her as a kid and that he was stabbed by the TA, but Mick chalks it up to her head injury.

As Amy Lee plaintively warbles about pain, handholding, and the passage of time, Mick hits us with his final EVO about 60 years of celibacy being worth it to not be seen as a monster in someone else's eyes. But Beth only sees the hunky, and pulls him in for a hug. After a moment's hesitation, he holds her tightly, and I must note that the back of Alex O'Loughlin's neck is very sexy. It's a good hug, and the actors deserve all the credit for making me care a bit about what will happen to Beth and Mick.

You know, I really, really wanted to love this show, and I do think the three lead actors are talented and appealing. They were all quite charming and funny at Comic-Con, and I just wish the writers were up to the task. The good news is that it can only get better, right?