Rock of Love - "Clip Show" (Episode 11)

Unfortunately, we only get to spend 30 minutes in the skankery this week. I'm sure VH-1 has enough great outtakes from this bunch to fill a few hours, maybe we'll see more on the (inevitable) DVD set. So anyway, Bret (is that new hair? It sure looks like it) leads us through some "never before seen" footage of the gals. One of Bret's "favorite dates" on the show was the visit to the recording studio with "circus boobs" Erin, crazy Lacey and "crazy grandma" Rodeo. He had the ladies help him out with a special song on his new album. Yes, he actually had a track on his album called "Butt Bongo" (which I'm sure didn't make the final cut. Or Don Was is a crap-tacular producer.) The ladies first get to play Bret's heinie and then he returns the favor. At one point, he says "Hot nasty monkey love" for no apparent reason. Bret said he wanted to add something a bit "organtic" to the track (yes, he did say "organtic.") All was going well until Rodeo pooted. Ewww....cue crazy grandma laughing. I miss crazy grandma.

Rodeo gets even more (well-deserved) time in a great montage spotlighting her "empire" - personal training (she claims she trained Beyonce's cousin), clothing line (complete with minis, thongs and Daisy Dukes. Yikes), police work, fitness modeling, writing, painting morning show and Olympic diving. Jes said she would like to believe what Rodeo was feeding her, but training white tigers is "a little weird". Bret then showed how the ladies got "Bret lovin without Bret" - don't get too excited, it was just Dallas and Brandi M. drawing lips and naughty statements on Bret poster. Dallas allegedly got all worked up by looking at the poster which propted this gem of a line from Brandi M., "You're not masturbating in my bed."

Bret regrets that he didn't get to spend as much time as he wanted with "young, free-spirited, hot Brandi C." Ah Brandi C., what a dim bulb. Bret says she has a "deep, deep heart". (And a deep, deep hole in her head where her brain should be.) One of her highlights is a discussion she had with Faith a mere 2 hours after meeting Bret wherein she declares her undying love for the man, complete with lines from "Jerry Maguire" ("I love him for the man he is and the man he wants to be.") What an imbecile. We then see her sharing her pain with Heather and her "Barbie twin" Kristia while Bret's on a date. We're then treated to Heather and Brandi alternately squabbling and kissing (the kissing is disturbing, because Heather is really kind of agressive about the whole thing.) Sigh. Heather loves Brandi because she's a blond with big boobs - go figure. She said, "It's kind of like having a crush on myself." If you kept your love to yourself, you'd save a lot on Valtrex.

A bored night in the house results in a rousing game of "everyone needs their pants off" featuring Lacey, Brandi C. Heather and Rodeo. Things get really wacky with a water fight which inevitably turns into a food fight (well, all I saw was oatmeal, but that's food.) Big John even got involved, and fell in the jacuzzi. What a party animal. Lacey wiped out - too bad it wasn't fatal. Some things are better left unseen, VH-1. Really.

Bret had a very personal and special moment - something important for his life. When Heather got her (incredibly regrettable) tattoo, Bret wanted to fix a tat meant to memorialize a friend of his who passed away. It is the finest in prison tattoo work, with the words "Something to Believe In" (just like the Poison song) surrounding a vine-enhanced cross. Unfortunately, the drunken artiste spelled believe wrong. Dude actually spelled it "belieeve". And Bret tried unsuccessfully to fix it (probably when he was drunk, because it still looked awful.) To his credit, the guy did do a great job - the tattoo is still kinda tacky though (sorry, Bret.) 

Lacey probably deserves her own clip show (and I have a funny feeling we'll be seeing "I'm a vacant guy looking for my 15 minutes of fame, so I'll vy for the false affections of a crazed, F-list reality whore" otherwise known as "I Love Lacey") but we get to see some gems from her such as taking all of the cigarette butts from the yard and putting them in Jes' room (I do hate when people smoke in your yard and throw their butts on the ground, so this was actually somewhat justifiable - but Lacey didn't clean up after the oatmeal and water fight.

Bret says that animals are extremely special to Lacey. The next clip showed how far Lacey would go for animal rights (and to piss off the other girls.) Lacey got naked and wrote PETA slogans on herself with a Sharpie and then ran around the house getting in the girls' faces. Brandi M. threw chicken at her. Lacey decided the best way to get even at the girls was to put pieces of uncooked chicken in all of the girls' pillowcases, as well as Brandi's purse. With that, Bret bids us adieu. Is that it? I'm disappointed. Next week, we find out which girl dumps Bret at the reunion - I'm missing this show already!