ASL Sort Of Live-Blogs the Emmys

Did you guys notice how delusional I was on Friday, when I told you that I would be providing up-to-the-minute coverage of the 2007 Emmy Awards? I say delusional because I live on the west coast and totally forgot that DUH, we do everything on east coast time, including live television events that take place out here on the best west coast. Damn east coasters. It's all you guys' fault. So, because I have no access to an east coast feed, this is actually three hours behind. It's like CNN...if CNN had a hangover with jet-lag. With that in mind, I ask that you still do your best to enjoy what I will herewith refer to as my three-hour-delay-blog of the Emmys.

Here we go, 8:00 PM the Emmys are starting with "The Family Guy" with a musical number that seems to have the sole purpose of taking the piss out of all of the nominees. They kick it off by making fun of Zach Braff. Sweet. Oh yes, they joke that Isaiah Washington will be taking Kramer's place on "Seinfeld" as an innovative programming experiment and cut to an awkward-looking T.R. Knight. *Nervous laughter* Too soon, guys?

8:03 PM sees Ryan Seacrest hit the stage. Because of Kathy Griffin, I have trouble enjoying him too much. I see he's taken out the highlights for the event. Good move. Sigh. I miss Conan. This weird, round stage looks too much like "American Idol" for my liking. Oh God, this is going to be awkward. He's harassing Eva Longoria and guessing what everyone's wearing. Why? Because he's secure in his heterosexuality! OK, I need to pace myself, or I'm going to be typing a novella here. Unsurprisingly, Ryan informs us that "2 and a Half Men" is one of his favorite shows. And now he jokes about Jeremy Piven possibly hitting on Hayden Pannettiere and we are all creeped out by Jeremy's greasy smile. Ugh. I'm still remembering his pix of Lindsay in a bikini at his house.

8:08 PM: Ray Romano comes out and is doing his "I'm Ray and Everybody Loves Me" thing. I always feel like Patricia Heaton's neck is too short and she seems terrifying, but I digress. Ray does his "I'm a family man and being married is full of foibles" schtick and everyone laughs cause they all love him!

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Ooh, who's going to win. I'm pretty much rooting for everyone except Jon Cryer, who even though he's nice, is on a show I have never watched and probably wouldn't like. Sorry guys. Jeremy Piven wins and looks grizzled as hell. He gives a shout-out to his dad and keeps it short and sweet. Thanks, dude.

8:14 PM: Vanessa Willliams and America Ferrera announce the nominees for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series and I have a feeling this is where "The Sopranos" marathon will begin. Oh wow, Terry O'Quinn from "Lost" wins and I'm wrong for the first time tonight. I'm sure it's not the last...

8:21 PM: Ryan Seacrest, blah, blah, female actresses are awesome. I don't pay attention until he jokes that Paula Abdul smokes weed. HA! Zing!

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: It goes to Jamie Pressley for a show that I've never seen in my life. Aww, I was rooting for "Ugly Betty". She gets emotional, but wraps it up. Points for Jamie in my book.

8:26 PM: Katherine Heigl is presenting for something with some guy from "Friday Night Lights". Katherine corrects the female voice announcing her arrival on the pronunciation of her name and we all laugh awkwardly. Thomas Hayden Church wins an Emmy for something. Dammit, I don't know for what. It's a TV movie, I think. He starts talking about his pants not fitting. He makes the joke about his kid, starts with the list of thank-yous and starts getting the "wrap it up" music. Man, everybody's being so obedient with this time limit thing. They must have been threatened with tasers.

8:33 PM: Ellen DeGeneres harasses the "House" doctor, Hugh Laurie, jokingly. She's America's sweetheart and sounds like she has about as much as idea as I do as to what is going on. Oh good, it's a montage! Maybe I can go to the bathroom...

8:37 PM: We return from the montage of talk show hosts giving zany one-liners/my bathroom break. OMG, live-blogging is terrifying, even with the three-hour delay. I'm exhausted. Here are the guys from "Entourage" and Eva Longoria. Outstanding Supporting Actress is the category...I think. God, I'm so lost. Eva jokes that the boys are man-whores and it's a little awkward cause they probably are. Katherine Heigl wins and it sounds like they said her name right this time. Katherine starts off by making her mom sound lilke a total b*tch and then says that she does support her. She's getting emotional and doesn't seem aware that "wrap it up" music is soon to be nipping at her heels. Oh yeah, here we go, it kicks in right at her husband's mention. Thanks Mom!

8:41 PM: I keep forgetting that Jennifer Love Hewitt still gets work. She and Jon Cryer announce Outstanding Writing for a Variety...Something Program...God, I suck at this. If I'm not careful, Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to have my job after this. The winner, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," is announced after some "wacky" bits illustrating that the writers of the Emmys are funny too. The winners make fun of Katheine Heigl's mom and O.J. Simpson before giving out their thanks. Loves it.

8:49 PM: Thank God, I just checked the FOX TV schedule and saw that the Emmys are only 2 hours this year. No wonder I'm so crazed. That means I'm practically half-way done. Whew!

8:50 PM: We're back. Ryan Seacrest is going on and on about how the set for the Emmys tonight is green with a set built from recycled materials. Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera get an intro to perform. Ooh, I hope I can see a pregnancy bump. Oh wow, she has the most natural-looking make-up on that I've ever seen. Maybe all that red-lipstick is harmful to the baby. You can just tell X-tina's feeling awkward in so much fabric.

8:53 PM: Hell yeah, Alec Baldwin! I hope he says something nuts. OMG, his tux is blinding me. Dammit, I was so distracted by his white suit that I didn't notice what the category is. In any case, "American Classic" appears to have won. I think it's for a music thing. This is a total schmemmy, so I don't think I have to pay as much attention.

8:55 PM: Ali Larter and Kiefer present Outstanding Actor in a Mini-Series. Robert Duvall wins and Ali Larter appears to be a big fan. Go Bob. Dammit, I misread the schedule and so I'm not half-way done. I'm an idiot. Oh, she must have been in the movie with him or something. This blog has ceased to make sense.

8:58 PM: What? There are bloggers at the Emmys. Uh oh. I hope I don't have to do that next year. I'd be typing furiously AND forced to do it in Spanx and way too much make-up.

9:03 PM: Queen Latifah looks stunning in a red dress and is talking about "Roots." Somehow, despite the important message she's verbalizing, all I can think about is how I need Cover Girl make-up and Pizza Hut. Go figure. Couldn't they have positioned the tele-prompter somewhere so that she's not so obviously reading?

9:05 PM: "Roots" cast gets a standing ovation. I really wish Ryan Seacrest would make a stupid joke about Randy Jackson right about now. Levar Burton tells us how "Roots" changed his life and career, but not to take his word for it...kidding! Outstanding Mini-Series goes to...the horse movie with Robert Duvall in it. He makes a speech and makes some vague reference of thanks to five Chinese girls. Huh?

9:10 PM: Neil Patrick Harris makes a joke about being a creepy straight guy to recently legal Hayden (whose last name I will probably butcher--no time to IMDb) Panettierre. Outstanding Directing in a Drama Series goes to...the guy who does "The Sopranos". I'm totally losing steam here, guys, but yay Sopranos! My German actually comes in handy this one time in my life when the guy's speech makes a reference of how much he loves some girl. Go me.

9:13 PM: Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series goes to "The Sopranos." I tend to agree. Sigh. Where are the actors? I hate how they dangle them in front of me like a carrot, so that I have to watch ALL of this. I need my own "wrap it up" music for the Emmys. It's time for a bowl of cereal...

9:20 PM: Steve Carell is here and I'm all happy because I hear "The Office" theme music. Sigh. He's so sweet and mispronounces the word ensemble. I love the fake behind-the-scenes interviews. If this show goes off the air, I might have to cut someone. "The Daily Show" just won something, but they are moving so fast, I totally missed the category. Oh, it's Variety, Musical or Comedy Series. Man, I need to get them my resume. Dammit, my boss probably just read that.

9:24 PM: Now, it's Variety, Musical or Comedy Special. Tony Bennett wins again. Go Tony. They could probably hand him Eva Longoria as a statue, she's so small and shiny tonight. Aww, there's a tender moment that I missed when I was busy being snarky. Whoah and then cut to Tony's hot, young wife. Nice.

9:27 PM: Dammit, Ryan's back. The accountant guys get some applause. Bo-oring. Mark Harmon and Marcia Cross are presenting something now. He looks really pissed to be there. Did Marcia pinch him backstage? Judy Davis wins for "The Starter Wife" and isn't there and apparently not available via satellite. Dang, they just rush on by, don't they?

9:30 PM: Boring speech about humanitarian stuff and corporations and entertainers and now we've got a montage marathon. This is totally going to turn into another bathroom break and am actually at the halfway point this time...

9:36 PM: Glenn Close, Mary-Louise Parker and Kyra Sedgwick come out, looking fabulous to announce the winner of Outstanding Made for Television Movie. "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" wins and the three women announce it in sync. I keep thinking about cutting my hair, but Mary-Louise Parker's lovely locks convince me not to.

9:38 PM: Joe Mantegna announces the performance of "Jersey Boys." Ooh, I've heard good things about this...plus, I heart Joe. This is cute, but I can't believe I'm recapping it. I love how my boyfriend just said, "What the F*ck?" Now this really does look like "American Idol."

9:43 PM: Now here comes the cast of "The Sopranos." Man, I'm so sad that show is over. Holy crap, it's like a clown car under that stage. I totally forgot the body count was so high. Carmella looks great. They are so the popular kids tonight.

9:48 PM: Sally Field and Patrick Dempsey announce Helen Mirren as the winner of actress in a mini-series or something. I'm totally fading here. Dang, Sally Field looks good. Helen gives the "wrap up music" a little F you. Ha. Nice. Helen gives America a shout-out for being generous. You're welcome.

9:51 PM: Lewis Black is angry. TV programmers make him angry. I love that he's on the Emmys yelling at how much he hates commercials. I feel like some people are confused as to whether or not they'll still have jobs if they clap. Bathroom break. I come back and he's still angry.

9:55 PM: More Ryan Seacrest. OMG, the "Cold Case" chick looks really skinny AND she's on TV. Yikes. Oh, and it's another schmemmy. I totally missed what it is exactly. Ah, I see, directing for a mini-series. Congrats, British guy. Now, for the writer of a mini-series-type thing. The Helen Mirren thing won. Congrats other guy who sounds British-like or Scottish...or Floridian. I'm not sure.

10:03 PM: I'm totally on the phone with my boss and something is happening with some computer guys. Oh great, it's about Internet programming. This couldn't be more relevant to what I do and I totally missed it. Looks like Al Gore just won an Emmy. I'm guessing for saving the environment by creating the Internet--or creating Current TV.

10:07 PM: "Till Death" stars Joely Fisher and Brad Garrett are presenting something. Long story short, these guys are the reason I don't have a job on a TV show right now. Grr. Brad makes a joke about Joely's cleavage. Ooh, it's kind of gross. I think Tony Bennett's going to win another award. Yes! I'm right! And bet no money on it, so who cares? Sigh.

10:10 PM: Anthony Anderson and Teri Hatcher come out with Anthony making a pretty good joke and Teri answering in that super-nervous way that she does. Outstanding Guest Actor is the category and goes to...OMG, I LOVE Stanley Tucci and Elaine Strich. Suddenly they're on stage and I don't know why, but I heart them both. OMG, I love Elaine, who screws up the teleprompter. She kicks total ass. Why isn't she hosting? Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series goes to...the guy who did the "Ugly Betty" episode and DANG if he isn't in the total nose-bleed section. Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series...OH, I LOVE Tina Fey. Aww, but I love "The Office" too, who wins. Yay!

10:23 PM: Ryan Seacrest is book and looks like an idiot. He jokes about his his costume from "The Tudors" didn't look quite as "gay" on the rack. Shut up, Ryan. You just offended your boyfriend with that joke. Wayne Brady takes it from there with some sort of competition thing that may or may not be a joke. Maybe an hour ago, I might be interested but I'm so tired and cranky. It's Rainn Wilson, who looks like super-hipster nerd and Kanye West, who's probably about to get pissed if he doesn't win an Emmy tonight. Ah, OK. It's a joke. Ha. Shouldn't he be somewhere pouting? Whatever, I'd actually be really psyched to see him performing if I were there. OMG, I love Rainn Wilson.

Reality Television Competition goes to "The Amazing Race." God, I've never seen that show, but it's won so many Emmys I want to go on it. Holy crap, there are more people on stage right now than were killed in "The Sopranos."

10:36 PM: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert make some jokes about the green Emmys and if I weren't busy pouting about being up way past my bed-time, I'd probably enjoy it. OK, some meat--Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Ricky Gervais wins for "Extras." Ha! I love that Steve Carell is accepting for Ricky. OK, this is cute. At least from here on out, no more schmemmies.

10:40 PM: All right, kids, let's power through!! Oustanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series. Suspense...we wait..and...Sally Field! Yes! I'm going to go brush my teeth during her speech. We like her, we really, really like her.

10:43 PM: Sweet, dead people montage! I can wash my face and put on the old pj's!

10:51 PM: Debra Messing and William Shatner announce Oustanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Wow, I love them all--oh nice, and America Ferrera wins. Aww, but I did want Tina Fey to get it. At least it was a nerdy girl in glasses. Close enough.

10:54 PM: Let's keep up the momentum, people! Kate Walsh and Jimmy Smits and damn if her fake tan isn't making her the same skin tone as him. Ha! All rightey, on to Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series...James Spader? I never watch that show and didn't even know it was still on. Whatevs. Oh ha! I do love his joke about stealing a big pile of money from the mob.

11:01 PM: OMG, I'm so close, I can taste it. Outstanding Comedy Series goes to "30 Rock." HELL YEAH! Ha! Alec Baldwin, your ass isn't going anywhere! I don't care if you murder someone, your ass is staying on that show until I say you're done! Go TINA!

11:08 PM:  Helen Mirren, take us home, girl!  Oustanding Drama goes to "The Sopranos."  Yay!  Good for them.  Now, I need some beauty sleep.  Peace out, bitches.