Obligatory Live Blog: MTV VMA's

All times EST unless otherwise noted.

I'm writing from my parents' living room. I left my home in the Midwest for a trip home to Queens to see family, friends, and eat noodles at Momofuku. Also, as long as I am here (and away from my DVR, which holds about 80% of the stuff I have yet to recap months after the fact), I might as well be productive.

9:30: It's 30 minutes in, two awards have been given out, and I'm still wondering: what the f**k was Britney thinking? Extensions looked cheap, she could barely remember the steps, and (I'm sorry to say this) but she looked fat. Out of it. Nervous. At least she managed to stay clothed, even though she could not walk in her (admittedly fabulous) boots.

9:31: OMG, Pat Smear is playing with the Foos. Am loving the acts playing in suites. Lots of collabos are sure to come -- in the pre-show, Cee-Lo said he and the Foo Fighters are covering Prince's immortal "Darling Nikki". Can't wait.

9:33: Kanye and 50 are about to present something. With two much hyped albums coming out on Tuesday, are these guys gonna fight or make out? Oh, just present an award. Bo-ring. Beyonce and Shakira win "Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration" for "Beautiful Liar". Not a huge surprise, but what I wanna know is will Beyonce's boobage pop out of her Grecian-inspired frock?

9:36: Adam Levine sits in with Mark Ronson and The Dap-Kings, who are acting as the house band for tonight. Not sure what he's singing, but it's nice to see that the spirit of Stevie Wonder is being kept alive. Except that Stevie isn't dead, so what's up with Adam biting him still?

9:41: If you had to pick from one of the four suites, where would you want to be? It's a toss-up between Kanye's Graduation Party and the Southern Hospitality Suite being presided over by Timbaland and Timberlake. Actually, it's not a toss-up: I may be from Queens, but for this night I could be a Southern girl. Rowr!

9:42: Rosario reminds us that we can check out suite clips on MTV overdrive after the show. She's also here to present first time VMA perfomer Chris Brown. Oh, I hate skits! There are wee children, and some kind of sideshow theme. He's an awesome dancer, though. And so cute! Too bad I'm old enough to be his mother. Granted, I would have been a teen mother, but still.

9:46: Chris is left alone on one of the tables, and the stages goes all B&W so Rihanna can make a striking entrance. She does a few bars from "Umbrella" while dancing with CB. Oh they make a cute couple. Ashanti is singing along -- what the hell has she been up to?

9:47: Back to CB so he can dance to "Billie Jean". No! It's MJ's routine from the Motown 25th anniversary special. The routine where he unleashed the Moonwalk on the world. Oh but then it goes back to a CB track and he collapses to accolades aplenty from the VIP's in the audience. Whew!

9:54: Seth Rogen and Bill Hader present the Best New Artist wannabes -- Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, Carrie Underwood, blah blah blah.

9:56: OMG! Lauren, Whitney, and Audrina (who, if you believe the New York Times, are MTV's only reliable franchise right now) present the award for Male Artist of the Year to Justin Timberlake. Timbaland accompanies JT to the stage, which is only fair -- he's as much to thank/blame for JT"s success as a solo artist. JT, being gracious, has to give it up for Chris Brown, and other artists making music he respects, like Kanye and Robin Thicke. Though does he make a dig at "The Hills" girls when he again requests that MTV play more videos?

9:59: Cee-Lo. Foo Fighters. Prince's "Darling Nikki". Why didn't MTV show the whole damn performance of this whole song? JT was right!

10:00: Tila Tequila commercial. Two teams -- one of lesbians, one of straight men -- both vying for Tila's heart (or would that just be her cooch?). Am I officially ashamed to be Asian now?

10:05: 50 is in the SH suite doing "Ayo Technology" with suite hosts JT and Timbo. Didn't I say this was the suite to be in? Indeed. Am I total sucker for MTV's programming and marketing? Obviously.

10:06: Shia La LaBeouf -- what? He gives away the title of the next Indiana Jones movie ("Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"? eh). He's there, too, to give out Female Artist of the Year to... Fergie. Really? She's not there, so Ludacris will accept in her honor. Or maybe he won't, as he can't be bothered to get out of his seat. Shia takes the moonman and stomps off. I guess that was bust.

10:08: Pamela Anderson introduces Kanye West while telling Tommy Lee to stop whistling at her. Kanye's up in the suite, where he launches into "Good Life". The suite is all black lights, very "Miami Vice", a look of which I approve. The suite doesn't have the intensity of Southern Hospitality suite but it still looks like an awesome time.

10:16: Lil' Wayne is at the Fall Out Boy Friends of Enemies Party, being awesome, as ever.

10:18: Megan "Wee Angelina" Fox is here to bring us to Rain, the hottest club in Vegas (uh-huh), where Timbaland is going to perform. His arms are ginormous. What happened to my hip-hop cuddlebear? He spins a beat, then the camera pans back to show (no!) Linkin Park playing "Bleed It Out'. Chester does a call-and-response with the crowd on the chorus. I'm not sure if I love this song. I can't wait for Chester to cheer the fuck up.

10:23: Kevin Connolly and Adrian Grenier from "Entourage". They're there to present the award for Best Group. After some lame scripted patter, the award goes to Fall Out Boy. Up in their suite, Pete does the thanks for the group.

10:25: Serge from System of A Down is playing the DK's "Holiday in Cambodia" with the Foo Fighters. These spurts of actual music are like breaths of fresh air.

10:30: Rihanna sings "Shut Up and Drive" with Fall Out Boy. I like it well enough, though I think FOB's vocalist sounds enough like John Popper that I'm finding it hard to like him.

10:32: Another pitch from Seth and Bill for votes for Best New Artist. They are joined by Kid Rock, whose career after not winning the award seems to have proceeded exactly the way he deserved. Hmm.

10:33: Nelly presents the "lovely and talented" Alicia Keys, who we have not seen the start of the show. She sings "No One", the lead single from her new album, which is due out in January. I'm not feeling it, so I'm going to read Christine M's latest 'Rock of Love' recap. Oh, but what's this now -- full band on a cover of George Michael's "Freedom '90"? Ni-ice. She's actually got people standing up and clapping along. Who cares that she's dressed like she could be a KISS stunt double?

10:41: FOB and Gym Class Heroes are singing Jermaine Stewart's "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off". Bwahahaha -- I love that damn song.

10:44: Jamie Foxx goes off on Kid Rock and Tommy Lee for a bit (was there really a bathroom brawl over Pam Anderson) before presenting the award for Best New Artist with Jennifer Garner. The winner? Gym Class Heroes. The Heroes and FOB are going crazy up in the FOB suite. Lots of screaming and Champagne. Best. Speech. Ever. But back to the best. Suite. Ever. 50 is performing "In Da Club" for the gyrating masses.

10:49: Miss Teen USA South Carolina, whose 15 minutes were up almost as soon as her damn speech was over, is babbling. But it's kinda funny. Thank god they cut away to Mark Ronson, who spins his cover of The Zutons' "Valerie" featuring the absent Amy Winehouse.

10:50: Why won't Tila Tequila just stop?

10:55: Mary J. Blige is rocking a short blonde sort of Doroty Hamill bob. She's there to remind us that everyday is Dre day, and Dr. Dre is there himself -- holy shit, have he and Timbaland been lifting weights together? -- to present Video of the Year. Is anyone brave enough to tell Dre that he's totally underdressed? Didn't think so. The last award of the night goes to... Rihanna for "Umbrella". Rihanna still looks lovely, though the Pepto-Bismol gown reduces her to shuffling instead of strutting to receive her award.

11:00: Diddy and Yung Joc say something about Kid Rock not being there to present something. Or what. I dunno -- it's been two hours, and I thought this would have all ended by now.

11:02: Hayden Panettiere is still stuck in the Neutrogena pimple lounge with the other underage children. Set the cheerleader free!

11:04: Diddy's having a party at his suite. Everybody's invited. But before people can go party, the last act of the night -- Timbaland, Timberlake, and Furtado. Nelly starts out with "Do It", shimmying with some showgirls in a fan dance before Timbaland and Keri Hilson do "The Way I Are". And let's not forget Justin, who shows up for "LoveStoned". Ooh, is he gonna dance? I hope so. It's interesting, this symmetry -- Britney opening the show and Justin closing. One's struggling back and the other is only going harder, better, faster, and stronger (to quote Daft Punk). Maybe not the best VMA's ever, but the first I've enjoyed in quite a few years. Okay, bitches, good night!

Awards

• Monster Single of The Year: Rihanna, "Umbrella"
• Quadruple Threat: Justin Timberlake
• Earth-Shattering Collaboration: Beyonce & Shakira, "Beautiful Liar"
• Male Artist of the Year: Justin Timberlake
• Female Artist of the Year: Fergie
• Best Group: Fall Out Boy
• Best New Artist: Gym Class Heroes or, as Jennifer Garner put it when she presented the award "Gym Class Boy".
• Video of the Year: Rihanna, "Umbrella"

PS: Looks like the snooty New York Times couldn't resist covering the VMA's either! Read their coverage here.