Rock of Love - "Talk Dirty to Me"

There's 16 "ladies" left in the house (presumably really hung over) and Bret wants to get to know each of them on an intimate level. Okee-dokee. Crazy Tiffany is passed out on the couch she promises to be a little more low-key today. Sure, that'll happen. Erin was talking about her ex-fiancee and Heather (for whatever reason) wants to get her and her phony circus boobs out of the house ASAP. Lacey has lifted her no drinking during the day rule while she's in the houseand she and Heather start cracking the bottles ("If you're going to date a rock star, you have to party like a rock star." Words to live by, Heather.) They then proceeded to break into the worst attempt at musicianship ever, which interrupted Bret's workout. He deemed it necessary to play some tasty licks for the gals. They must have been tasty, as his music got a few of the ladies on the pole - and the nasty party ensued. Jes and Erin refuse to be slutty and/or out of control. Dallas said the house was becoming like one of those strip clubs you'd find near an airport (not surprised she made that connection, as she probably works at one.) The gals seem to be splitting into 2 distinct groups the Slutty Girls (Heather, Lacey, Brandi and their ilk) and the Bitchy (not whorish) Girls (including Jes, Erin and the mannish one). Bret waas hanging with the slutty gals (he's only human, folks) but bails on the party so he can "drop a bomb on them." (Oh, I wish you would. Literally.) Lacey attempted to infiltrate the bitchy sect, and was promptly blown off by Jes, who declared she wanted none of the "bimbo posse." Lacey and Brandi started scheming about throwing one of the bitches in the pool and - shocker - it's Jes, who was less than pleased to take an impromptu swim.

The party moved to the jacuzzi, and as Jes passed through the room to get a shower, we was taunted by Lacey and the Sluts (great band name, huh?) Big John brings a letter from Bret. It's actually a song - providing the first challenge for our competitors. Phone sex. Can we dive any lower? The 3 who give the best phone get to go on a date with Bret. Tiffany is nervous, as she's never had phone sex before (riiiiiggghhhhtt...); so she has a glass of wine (or 10) to loosen up. They arrive in thier finest lingerie (and Bret has some rockin' jammies!) Non-accredited doctor "Dr. Roy" is on hand to measure Bret's excitement level. First up is Brandi. Can you get an STD from phone sex? Ewww...The big mannish one sang a horrid song, Erin put on a Madonna-quality British accent (which isn't a good thing.) Lacey was "poetic" (Bret's words, certainly not mine.) Tiffany was drunk again (surprise!) For skanks, they weren't very good at this phone sex thing.

So, who gets a date with Bret? First up, Bret had bad news Tamara, Faith and Tiffany flatlined. Erin got kudos for her accent (which pisses Heather off to no end) as did Rodeo and poetic Lacey, so they win the date. Brandi is also really upset about Erin winning the date, and the two of them go at it. Circus boobs versus meth face. The other sluts thought Erin dealt Brandi a low blow by calling her face meth-scratched and Brandi started to cry (she says she was in a car wreck.) Lacey's very involved with PETA and got very upset that Dallas said "kill all pets" and talked about her collection of rabbit fur coats. Lacey can't share a room with Dallas anymore, which was fine with her because says she needs to get away from the "skankbag ho." Brandi moved out of the room with Erin and moved in with her fellow sluts. Brandi went to talk to Bret. She felt her scratched face was a "disability" (wah, wah).

Big John delivers another letter from Bret. 4 ladies are heading home at elimination tonight. Wow, way to move along! Bret takes his dates to Jim Henson Studios (yes, that Jim Henson. Sluts and muppets. It's actually a recording studio.) At the studio is producer Don Was (half of Was, Not Was, who had a big 80s hit with "Walk the Dinosaur" - remember that chestnut?) The gals had a date challenge and contribute to a track for an upcoming album. Lacey feels like she's in her element. She sings like a chipmunk. Rodeo was rarin' to go. She sings like a dude and contributed some moans. She's turned on and giggly. Lacey doesn't see Rodeo as a threat. Erin isn't musically inclined and Bret was excited to pop her studio cherry. She should be able to sing - she's got impressive lungs. She just moans as well. Bret has a conversation with her breasts. They're hypnotic. Meanwhile, back at the house, the sluts have re-named themselved the Varsity Squad and the A Team. Jes calls them stupid bitches. The battle lines are now clearly drawn. Bret is done with the recording session and Don Was valiantly tries to keep a straight face as Bret says "I hear a hit." I sure didn't. Heather is still bitching about Erin and her ex-fiancee (Heather...what part of "Ex-fiancee" is so confusing to you?) Heather decides to tell Bret about Erin's situation.

Bret tries to make one last effort to connect with some of the ladies, such as Tamara ("dumb as a box of rocks"...but "HOT".) Heather has gotten the rest of the sluts on her side against Erin. Bret is surprised (and pissed off) to hear about the fiancee. He calls Erin out and confronts her about this "problem". She explained the ex-factor and said that the other gals were just trying to get rid of her. Bret calls Heather in again and they go round and round about the fiancee issue. Who does he believe?

It's elimination time. Heather thinks she may have gone too far. Erin's nervous. Bret has on a cow print duster. Scary. Rodeo gets the first pass. Jes is second. Also staying on are Lacey, Mia, Man-dalena, Dallas, Samantha, both Brandis, Kristia, Heather (who Bret considered a "friend") and Erin (much to Heather's great dismay.) Buh-bye to Faith, Tiffany, Tawny and Tamara. Frosty hugs all around. Tiffany said Bret gave up a girl he could bring home to mom. Tamara can't figure out how to leave. Doors are hard. Next week, lacy and Dallas are gonna throw down. Can't wait for that!