America's Got Talent - New York Auditions

It's the last night of auditions and tonight AGT's in the Big Apple. The judges are hoping for some big talent. Let's see what NYC has in store for us. First up, a small chest. Not much to look at, until a man comes out of it. It's The Rubberboy, a very, very limber contortionist. All I can say about his act is "Ow!" This is a man who can literally put his head up his own ass. As the judges assess his performance, we get this gem from the Hoff; "You hurt me Rubberboy!" (I need this drop for a ringtone!) and Rubberboy stretches his fame out for another 15 minutes. Abenz, an aspiring rapper, says he's the "next big thing". He and his back-up singer Byrain are quite dapper, but as a rapper, he leaves little to be desired. The judges actually like Byrain and ask him to come back later and perform solo. Guess that friendship is over. Before the commercial, we see a vaguely familiar character on screen. Oh NBC, please make my evening...

51 year-old hippie "Sunshine" sings a blatantly average rendition of "Amazing Grace". She, of course, doesn't make it. Ain't no sunshine for the next group of no-talents either - the worst ventriliquist ever, a woman screeching "America the Beautiful" on a horse, a guy in a swim cap and a Speedo (not really sure what his act entailed), a tiny dancer and an old man (lady?) bodybuilder. Boy band Odysy is hoping to break the losing streak. They deliver a pretty good a capella performance of the Mary J. Blige hit "Real Love". Piers, of course, buzzed them - I think his buzzer goes off for every act. Piers and Sharon both feel the quartet is good, but there's no distinct leader and they may not be quite ready. Hoff syas yes, Piers says no. Sharon hems and haws about sending the through to Vegas - but ultimately gives the boys her blessing. Candy ass. Side note: since I'm the "Office" recapper, I have to let you know that the delicious Jon K. (Jim) is hosting Thursday's marathon (and will probably be pushing his "I know it's going to be a trainwreck" movie with Robin Williams.) But...he's so cute! I digress...  

Philadelphia Plowden of Orlando (Florida once again in the house!) is next. He's a stand-up from Orlando (translation: not good enough for "Last Comic Standing". Again.) He's loud and has an aresnal of Katrina jokes (guess nothing has been happening since, huh?) Piers didn't even buzz him - he actually liked him - so did Sharon and Hoff. Other winners include an (unnamed) ballroom-style dance troupe, 2 Italian guys (I'd love to know what they actually did), Rythmic Stream, a "Stomp"-like troupe and singer Robert Patrick. Identical twin singing sisters known as Shad-Dai are also looking for their big break, and they do have the looks to make the big time. Unfortunately, their voices don't make the grade. (Side note, hey "Singing Bee", I'm waiting for your call!) They get buzzed and plead with the judges to do one more song. Piers felt they were just very mediocre (I agree). Sharon says give 'em another chance, but Hoff and Piers stick to their guns. Sorry, gals.
 
Techno wunderkid Sexy Techno Boy, a singer/dancer/songwriter/dancer/producer is inspired by Madonna. He wants to be music royalty and conquer Europe and Japan. His act is basically making "Aahhh" sounds, dancing poorly and saying "Stop. Stop. Stop." No sweetie, stop, really. His "rap"/singing isn't any better. Sharon prolongs our pain, but finally makes him stop. We actually got to hear Hoff say "Bye bye, sexy boy." (I need that for a ringtone. Stat.) Next up is a guy on crutches and his boys. With the Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You" we are introduced to Luka, aka Lazy Legz and Illmatic Styles, a dance troupe. They were, admittedly, pretty good and of course move on. Piers is evil, but he's not that evil.  Cue reprise of "I'll Stand By You" for Lazy Legz's victory dance.

Rev. Dr. David Adomovich (sorry if I missed the spelling), aka The Great Throwdini, a knife thrower and Tina, the target girl (a "unique profession" as she puts it) are up next. Jerry comes out on stage with a head bandage vouching for the Rev's talents (HA! Have I mentioned I actually miss Regis?) He blindfolds himself and proceeds to hurl sharp objects at Tina. He misses one, which immediately gets a buzz (and accompanying exasperated look) from Piers. Despite the buzz, Piers found the act "oddly enjoyable and slightly terrifying." Fortunately, the good Reverend also throws a mean ax, tomohawk and machete - so Sharon gives Throwdini and Tina passage to the next round. The act was "too scary" for Hoff (hey, we saw you drunkenly eating a hamburger while shirtless. Now that's scary.) Piers actually sends them through. I'm honestly surprised. The next act is the "Three Redneck Tenors". They actually came through here a while back (showing how starved for culture we are here in the Sunshine State). They are actaully very good singers. It's no big surprise that they are gong to Vegas. A pre-commercial tease promises a blast from the past...could it be?? Is my darling Leonid back? Oh, I hope, I hope!

The Pennsylvania Hand Band is up next. One guy is actually dressed like a hand (beats t-shirts, I guess.) The "band" does those little hand farty noises to "Oops I Did it Again". They didn't impress the judges, who actually (literally) had to talk to the hand. Ha! This introduced a new AGT montage - combatant contestants. To the tune of "War", we get to hear what happens when good contestants go bad. Apparently they rag on the judges. One failed comic calls Piers a "Simon Cowell wannabe" (yeah...and?) Piers then rags on Hoff. Piers and Hoff keep squabbling backstage. Grow up, kids! I think...oh, wait...Leoind (the Magnificent, but hell...we know that already!) is back! With chicks! He's resplendent in silver boots, body paint and feathered headdress (and rockin' contacts). Hoff's not happy to see him - at all. Admittedly, his act wasn't as good this time around (he really is a talented guy). He was having some prop/harness problems, but his hair (and those eyes) are fantastic. I love you, Leonid. Ladies, let's have a "fag hag moment" for our boy Leonid. One, two, three...sigh...Hoff's not sharing my love. All he could say was "No, no, no." Sharon said he was truly magnificent. He told Hoff to go to hell and said he'll never give up on his dreams. Sharon is in love and Piers says he's moving on (mainly to piss off Hoff) YAY! Finally...motivation to keep watching. Thanks, NBC! Hoff says he's quitting and is off to the dressing room - which is good, because he's usually in a much better mood when he returns from there (and perhaps has a few cocktails?)

After the break, Hoff is still nowhere to be seen. The audience begins chanting "Hassle-hoff" which coerces him back to the judge's table. Big shocker. He does, in fact, look a little more lubricated than before. Julienne Irwin, a 14 year-old self-proclaimed "nobody" hits the stage. She wows the crowd with a compelling cover of "How Do I Live". She sure seems older than her 14 years - in looks and voice. She never took a singing lesson and had only ever performed with her school choir, but she's going to Vegas. Elderly jugglers Jay Green and the lovely Rosalie are up next. Jay works the balls, Rosalie is working the floor with some crazy dance moves. He did drop a ball, but the guy ate fire and juggled flaming swords. The judges weren't so impressed, so these plucky kids aren't moving on. Pity.

Our next act is "pray-formance artist" Thoth. He's oppressed, but he looks vaguely like the Indian from the Village People who's hit hard times. He sings, dances and plays violin. He's really bad. Sharon (as usual) refuses to buzz him. She tries to figure out what language he was singing in (it's his own, made-up language, which cracks up Hoff for some unknown reason.) Thoth, the Village People are touring, if you need the work...Next up are some other, unusual acts - a man who paints storoes with his voice (oh-keeeey), a sorry Tina Turner impersonator, a belly percussionist and a "mouth banger". Yes, they're as bad as you'd think they'd be. Figuring we'd had enough, we meet singing group Ahmir, delivering a "modern sound with an old school feel". They perform a great performance of "In the Still of the Night". They've got some nice haromies. The judges and audiences loved them. Hoff is scaring me. Really.

Here's your mandatory "Awww Moment". Introducing Grandfather and Sage (his grandson). Sage is the child of divorce and PePaw thought singing old-timey songs would be good therapy. Too bad ol' Sage is tone deaf. He is a cute kid, however. Hoff's hooch is kicking in and he loves them. Piers doesn't think they're no where near the talent required for the finals. Sharon offers a kinder critique. Hoff say yes, Piers says no, Sharon is waffling - but she caves, as always. Next up is magician Anthony Reed and his (mandatory) lovely assistant Sheila Joy. He doesn't want to move the family around, yet he's based in Vegas. Hmmm. Anthony actually has a decent act - not specacular, but it gets him to the next round.

We are now treated to the magic and comedy of Bruce Bloch. Well, more of his opener/emcee - a bunny, who does a few minutes on the mic (literally - a trained rabbit.) Skippy, the bunny is quite talented. We never see any of Bruce's real magic. I think Skippy should go on his own. So does Piers. Bruce and Skippy get a second chance to wow us. Byrain, fornerly of rap act Abenz, is back. He does have a pretty good voice (and Piers does buzz him). Piers later regretted his buzz, as he felt Byrain was a humble, nice guy. The other judges agreed and Byrain is off to Vegas.

Last up are the Ginger Snap, Caramello, Candy Apple and Ladyfinger - the Glamazons. They have the Spice Girls/Pussycat Dolls thing going on - but they're plus-sized gals. They perform a pretty good cover of the Moulin Rouge version of "Lady Marmalade". Hoff gives the gals the most awkward compliment ever. Piers admits to being a chubby chaser. He loves 'em as much as Hoff. Sharon says they're a great example and they go on to Vegas. After 3 (long) weeks of auditions, 71 acts are going to Vegas. In 2 weeks, the elimiations continue - see you then (Leonid - email me!)