Of COURSE I'm not trying to look like Johnny Depp. He totally stole this look from ME.This week's Starter Wife begins with an homage to that famous scene on the tarmac from Casablanca (woo-hoo! I actually recognize the movie!), complete with stylin' hats and a belted trench coat for Sam. "We'll always have Starbucks," he says as a single tear rolls down Molly's black-and-white cheek. They kiss, but instead of saying, "Here's looking at you, kid," Sam runs after Molly and tells her that he was wrong - with her in his life, he can change! Oh Molly, darling. Your fantasies are always so neat and tidy.
For the moment, however, reality ain't too shabby, neither. Molly and Sam lie nekkid in bed. Molly finds the situation to be very liberating; she's living in the now, not for the future. She and Sam are on the same page, whereas she and Kenny weren't even in the same book. And just then, in walks Lavender, who takes a glance at the bed, does a wonderful double take, and promptly gets that holy-crap-you're-nekkid-and-there's-an-equally-nekkid-man-in-your-bed expression. She does an uncomfortable little dance that just screams, "where should I look?" as she stutters that she's there because her Nana wants to borrow Molly's loofah. I contemplate the fact that that's the worst excuse ever for anyone to come into a bedroom unannounced. Who the crap wants to borrow somebody else's loofah? I mean, some shampoo, sure. But a loofah? The thing you may or may not scrub your naughty bits with? Why don't we all just share used dental floss and Q-Tips, while we're at it? And for that matter, who's all, "yeah, I'll loan you my naughty-bits loofah, sure, no big deal."? Well, our heroine, apparently. Molly giggles at Lavender to help herself, then goes back to snuggling as Lavender makes a hasty exit. With said community loofah. Nasty, y'all.
Molly meets with her lawyer, who says she should consider Kenny a terrorist and his lawyer a WMD. Molly has a hard time concentrating on the diatribe about eviscerating Kenny, however, 'cause she's busy thinking about the hottt sexxx with Sam. Her lawyer shakes her out of her daze, and Molly says she was hoping for something a little more amicable. The lawyer's all, "that's loser talk!" When they have the meeting with Kenny, Molly is to keep quiet and sign nothing - NOTHING - got it? Not even if the lawyer says so!
Bookstore. Molly and Cricket are astonished at current trends in children's literature (they're reading a book called "Let's All Hide From Daddy" featuring a battered alligator mom and kid going to a battered alligator's shelter). Cricket, meanwhile, talks about the fact that she can't get the image of Jorje with the slutty nanny out of her mind. A woman nearby overhears and offers her own bit of advice - try a marriage counselor. Molly's all, "yeah for mediation and resolution." But the woman's all, "nope for a good roll in the sack because turnabout's fair play and you'll feel better if you get some hot and hairy action." Yowza!
Meanwhile, Rodney's lunching with his love interest, Aaron. We find out that Aaron was married, and also that he has booked himself and Rodney a lovely weekend getaway in Santa Barbara. "Goody," says Rodney in a not especially excited manner as he chugs his wine.
Cricket has decided to take the bookstore lady's advice about revenge cheating. She's pulled up in front of an open house that's being held by Horny Realtor Larry (HRL), who hit on her (and Molly too - klassy) last episode. She poofs her hair and applies lipstick, casually fielding a call from her clueless husband as she does so. Cricket struts inside and HRL nearly falls all over himself shooing out other prospective homebuyers and locking all the doors of the house. Before getting down to business, Cricket flirts that it's no wonder this house hasn't sold - the laundry room is next door to the bedroom. Cricket suggests he turn it into a craft room. Then she sprawls out on the couch and demands that HRL kiss her. Momentarily, he's too distracted by the epiphany of the laundry room, but then the horniness takes over. But in the end, Cricket has more of a conscience than her nanny-bopping husband. She squirms off of the couch, grabs her Manolos, and beats a retreat. "Craft room," contemplates HRL.
Molly's again sexing it up with Sam, this time in his al fresco forest pad. She struts on back home with her hair askew and a verrrry self-satisfied expression on her face, and curls up on the couch with Joan. Molly says she was out for "a walk" with Sam, which leads to a conversation which is dirty without being dirty, all about how Sam "walks." But then Molly gets serious, telling Joan (still sporting her nose bandage) that she has to quit drinking. She could have killed someone. Joan says she knows there's a problem, and is off the juice. But she still won't tell Pappy, her husband. Molly knows she can do it. After she leaves, Joan reaches around behind her back and pulls out the glass of vodka she has been hiding. I gawp at the screen and holler, "oh, you dirty rotten lush of a liar!"
In his crappy motel room, Lou Manahan is eating junk food as he watches a news report about his own "suicide." Looking bored, he switches over to Animal Planet. Meanwhile, Molly and Kenny are having their lawyer-off over the divorce settlement. As her lawyer has instructed, Molly is wearing all black and sitting silent. But for once in his life, Kenny is being magnanimous - his new salary is so obscene, he can afford to toss in an extra few mil for Molly. Much to his lawyer's chagrin, he agrees to the settlement and gimungunormous alimony payments. Molly's lawyer places the contract in front of her and says firmly, "sign." This of course goes against everything that she was told in their meeting, so Molly asks for a sidebar, where she asks if the lawyer means it. The lawyer actually wants Molly to sign this so badly that her teeth hurt, so they swivel back to the table, but Kenny's lawyer has convinced him in just a few fleeting seconds to wait. Molly's lawyer looks like she wants to bang her head against the table. "We should have had a signal," Molly sighs. Hee!
Molly meets up with Sam at an open market, telling him about Joan's upcoming plastic surgery plans. She brings up the night of the accident, and how Sam tried to stop Joan. Sam tells her his story. He was in his hometown for a class reunion, and had just received a big promotion from his wealth management company. He and his best friend Derek went out drinking, and Sam tried to drive them home. The resulting accident killed Derek. He pled guilty to manslaughter and was glad to do his time - five years in prison. When he got out, the only person he wanted to see was Derek's mother, who had written and tried to forgive him. Indeed, he found her; Derek's mom is Mrs. Caldicott, the woman for whom Sam does errands and walks the dog. Whoo! I didn't see that one coming!
Back at the house, Molly gets dressed as she and Rodney discuss Sam's situation. Rodney thinks that Sam's penance to Mrs. Caldicott (he feels like he owes her a son) is downright Dickensian. Molly sticks up for him because what happened to Sam could have happened to anyone, and she really believes there's more to their relationship than just a fling. She and Rodney head downstairs, and Molly keeps talking all the way even though Rodney has dodged into the elevator and isn't behind her until they both emerge on the ground floor. I snort with laughter as Rodney decides they should have a dinner party to introduce their various new significant others. Molly heads off to Lou's memorial as Joan and Rodney go to the hospital for Joan's facelift.
At the memorial service, Molly checks out large photos of Lou posed with various bigwigs and celebs, including Sharon Stone and Hillary Clinton. She spots Shoshanna across the room and goes over to introduce herself. Shoshanna, for her part, is managing to be slutty even at a funeral; she's rocking a tiny black dress with a plunging neckline, and a big cross that dangles down to rest between her cleavage. Oh yeah, and did I mention that she's still really dumb? Molly gets a glazed expression as Shoshanna prattles on about all of the great shoes that Molly left behind, and how she would totally wear them if they were the same size. Molly's all, "ha ha and then I'd totally kill you you dumb bitch!" Kenny comes up, and Molly says it's a sad day. Shoshanna comes back with a chirpy, "Yeah, but I wonder who airbrushed this picture, 'cause it's fabulous!" Molly wisely makes a hasty exit as I bang my head against the arm of my couch. I'm pretty sure that just watching scenes with Shoshanna in them is making my I.Q. drop several points per minute.
As Molly checks out a huge-ass photo of Kenny with Lou, up comes a figure with a big black lady's hat, resplendent with a heavy veil. "Lou?" gasps Molly. Sure enough, it's Lou (A.K.A. "Aunt Rhoda," also disguised in pearls, a black dress, and heels) who is keeping his promise of attending his own wake. Molly thinks they should sit down, but Lou decides to go eavesdrop for awhile. As he (she?) does so, Molly exasperatedly wonders if there's a man alive who can make it to the age of 60 without putting on a dress. Har!
Funeral time! Lou makes his way down to sit next to Molly in the large, packed auditorium, and Kenny's first up to make a speech. Predictably, he manages to turn things around so it's not about Lou's life, but rather Kenny's shining place within that life. Like the true douche that he is, Kenny rattles on and on about all of the great advice he gave Lou, blah blah blah. Shoshanna manages to make it even worse by beaming at Kenny, waving (waving!), blowing a kiss (blowing a kiss!), and then standing up to literally step on everyone's toes as she makes her way down the row toward the bathrooms. Beneath the heavy veil, Lou's discouraged; everyone around him looks bored out of their minds, and many of them have whipped out their Blackberries. He tries to get up and leave, but Molly stops him, introducing "Aunt Rhoda" to Kenny's assistant, Chloe. She warmly tells him that she really liked Lou.
And that's where it starts to get better, because Kenny sits down and some actual, decent human beings stand up to speak. Jorje says that he was fresh out of film school when Lou returned his call. At first he thought it was because he was so hot, but later he found out that Lou returned every call - even the hard ones. People speak about how Lou covered their asses and saved their careers without even letting them know; how he could make grieving mothers laugh, and would be the only person to show up after a movie flopped. A man who bears a suspicious resemblance to Steven Spielberg says that Lou was always the first to do anything, including leave their Brooklyn neighborhood and come out to Hollywood to make movies. He never forgot the magic, and how he was a dream manufacturer, and created his own dreams and those of others through film. It's a warm and beautiful speech, and Lou nods and puffs at his veil, overcome by emotion. Steven Spielberg the eulogist takes off his hat in salute, and Molly loudly blows her nose, and Lou can't take it anymore. He shoves up his veil and clomps his way up to the stage, still in the dress and heels!
The audience collectively gasps in shock as Lou hugs the man who has been speaking, then takes the podium. He says that over the past couple of years, he'd grown tired of his life - tired of the isolation that came with his position. Tired of being himself. He checked into a motel to figure things out, and watching the news, couldn't imagine anyone missing him. So he came to his own funeral, and as people spoke, it all fell into place. He remembered his friends, all of the reasons he got into the business. He would really like to join this party. Everyone smiles and roars with applause in a standing ovation, except for Kenny, who looks like he has just swallowed a big fat lump of "oh shit."
Molly returns to the house to discover that Joan has chickened out on her plastic surgery. As she, Molly, and Nana Vera watch the news, they see a clip of Lou Manahan's joyful return to his former position of head of the studio... which includes the prompt and no-nonsense firing of Kenny! I cheer because this creep is finally getting some comeuppance, and all of the women celebrate, too. Lou, it turns out, will have to pay a fine and do some community service to pay back the taxpayers for the manpower lost over his case. Joan mentions that she's invited Sam for brunch the following week. Molly can't protest for long, because just then in rush Lavender and Rodney, all excited because Shoshanna has commissioned them to decorate her place. Yay! Now Rodney can find some ugly tables to go with the ugly chairs!
Beach. I must mention that in this scene, Molly and her daughter are wearing matching outfits, from their sunglasses right down to their pigtails. It's kinda cute. Jayden and Sam play with a toy shark, and Molly says that not all sharks are mean. In fact, she invents a shark named "Happy Waters," who likes to share his toys and have sleepovers. She draws a picture of said nancypants shark, and Jayden shows it to Sam as Molly answers her cell. It's Lou, who's doing his community service, wearing a stylish orange vest and picking up trash on the side of the road. He invites her to dinner on Friday night, and Molly pauses to consider. She looks over at Sam, playing with Jayden, and thanks him, but turns down Lou's offer. As she hangs up, Lou soliloquizes that he doesn't give up that easily.
Sam's showering at Mrs. Caldicott's when he hears pained grunting coming from the other room. He grabs a towel and tears out to see what's going on, only to find that Vera and Mrs. C. are trying to move a desk. Turns out that Vera is going to rent a room from Mrs. Caldicott. Aw, what a good solution! Sam offers to move the desk for the ladies, wearing nothing but his stripey towel, and Nana Vera totally checks him out as he hoists it across the room. "I guess my room does have a view," she comments. I snicker. This old lady is my role model.
Joan's on the phone with Pappy, lying as usual. She's pretending that she's still at rehab, and that Molly's the one who had a "fender-bender" with their car. Oh, and in Joan-fantasyland her smushed nose is from a rehab volleyball game. Molly, meanwhile, is getting ready to go out. She stops at the doorway, however, when she hears Joan opening a cabinet. Unbeknownst to Joan, Molly sees her get out the bottle of vodka and pour a tall one. Jeez, man, this lady just drinks straight vodka by the glass. No mixers or chasers or anything. Hard core. Molly of course looks discouraged, but does not confront Joan.
Instead, Molly heads down to her publisher, and pitches the Happy Waters the shark bit as a new children's book. The editor just isn't down with the idea, saying that the book just isn't good enough across the board. "You had the magic once... maybe it'll come back," he says in a thoroughly unconvincing manner. Riiiiight. Next stop: the lawyer's office, where she finds out that Kenny is "crying poor." He fell through a contract loophole, and Lou fired him. He's jobless, and wants to start the negotiations all over. "So I'm screwed?" Molly asks. "Pretty much," replies the lawyer. Ouch. This has not been a good day.
Commercials. Hey Geico! Guess what? I hate your fucking wanker of a cockney lizard, I hate your shaggy-ass hipster cavemen, and I especially hate your nasty zit-covered upside-down chin with the google eyes. Your commercials suck dead antelope ass. Get them the fuck off of my TV, goddammit.
Phew. I just had to get that off of my chest.
But back to The Starter Wife. Rodney and Lavender are taking stock at Shoshanna's, trying to figure out their decorating plan of attack. Lavender's discouraged because she doesn't even know about load-bearing walls, but Rodney encourages her as only a wonderful gayboy friend can. He decides to teach her about measuring a bedroom. They traipse on in, only to discover Shoshanna... er... otherwise... engaged. And by that, I mean that she's lying naked on her back in bed gasping like a fish. Rodney and Lavender slam on the brakes and stutter their apologies, and who should emerge from beneath the sheets but... not Kenny. "Who's Kenny?" asks the hot guy who seems oddly unconcerned that two strangers have just interrupted his muff diving session. Shoshanna's all, "you know, that recently axed studio exec... my 'boyfriend'?" Shoshanna apparently keeps this guy around as her "stealth lover." Hey! She says. That would be a great title for a song! She and her stealthy man resume their giggly sexfest as Rodney and Lavender hastily excuse themselves. I spend the next few minutes feeling sorry for Lavender, because this is the second time this episode that she has walked in on a scene like this, and it's also the second time the couple in question didn't even seem mildly embarrassed about it. Buncha nympho wierdos!
Molly's using more Pond's®©™ products as she gives herself a mirror pep talk before the impending brunch where Sam will be interacting with all of her friends at once. Sam, meanwhile, arrives with flowers, looking totally uncomfortable and out of his element. Inside, Joan snarkily wonders what's keeping Sam - perhaps he's been arrested again? Molly asks her to give it a rest, and the doorbell finally sounds. Joan opens the door on a nervous Sam, who gives her the flowers almost like a peace offering. Joan seems to accept, being friendly with him for once. In the background, Molly smiles.
Everyone gathers around the table, and the conversation turns to American Idol. And then Sam completely crushes the mood by asking "What's American Idol?" There's a moment of awkward silence, and then everyone tries (badly) to explain American Idol and reality television in general, and it's a horribly difficult scene. Molly looks embarrassed for Sam, and tries to make things better by saying that he's a big reader, but he seems to take offense and pretty soon nobody can even look anybody else in the eye. Joan excuses herself to get dessert, and Sam goes after her. In the kitchen, she's swigging vodka straight from the bottle. "Do you really think you're going to be around long enough for us to be friends?" Joan asks. Sam admits that he doesn't, so Joan orders him not to rat her out. Sam corks the bottle and exits with an "If anyone needs a damned drink, it's me."
Back at the table, Sam and Aaron discover they both went to Wharton, a top business school. Aaron hands Sam his card, saying that there's a low-level opening at his firm. Sam pockets the card, saying he'll think about it, but a jittery Molly wonders out loud why he wouldn't just take the job - she's sure they could find a way to get him there. Sam's looking more and more on edge as people grasp for other things to talk about, from movies to apartments, but the tension between Molly and Sam is getting stronger. He snaps that he's been playing the part of the regular guy for her, but it's not working out. This was a mistake. Molly says they can talk about it later. But Sam tells her that there is no later. He gets up from the table and leaves the house at a near run as Molly sits there, devastated. Jorje clears his throat and says that maybe they should go, but Cricket replies that they can't just pretend unpleasant things haven't happened. They need to stay and support Molly. "Does anybody know that man over there?" asks a confused Vera. Enter an older, balding man with a reproachful expression: none other than the infamous Pappy. He knows everything - Joan's party is over.
Later that evening, Molly's alone and depressed, by herself at Starbucks. She goes to see Lou, telling him that she needs a friend. "You've got one," he replies, pulling her into a gentle embrace. Awww. So next week is the miniseries finale, and you just know that Molly's going to choose the dashing tortured Sam over the safety and comfort of Lou - but I really, really wish that she wouldn't.
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