Pirate Master - Episode 104 - Death by Coconuts

Y'all, this is the fifth of six hours of TV I'm recapping today and this show is easily the more boring of the shows I'm recapping, so if I'm rather half-assing it, please forgive me. I truly appreciate the extra money I'll be earning this week but, holy crap, my fingers and brain are effing TIRED. You know what else is tired? The interminable previouslies on this show. Also, every time Cameron repeats the "Captain Steele's enormous fortune" line, I mentally substitute "enormous penis." I make my own fun, because this show rarely supplies it.

Post-cutting adrift of Alexis. Cheryl is relieved that her butt was saved by JD's advocation, while Jay is furious that Sean took his $1000 to vote for Cheryl but he ended up voting for Alexis. Sean apologizes to Jay but I notice he doesn't return the money or even offer to do so. Jay, in all seriousness, interviews that Sean is dead to him. Oh, good lord. Credits.

After the credits we get the usual morning montage of everyone waking up and performing their shipboard duties. Well, they pretend to for a few seconds, until the cameras turn off and the real crew takes over. Nessa is the ship's flirt and says she's going to use that to her advantage, while Joy interviews that Nessa's strategy could backfire if she alienates the women. The pirates swing on ropes into the water, play racing games with a crab, and generally have a good time. The idea is to point out the difference between JD's and Azmyth's captaincy style. Azmyth still has the retarded accent so he's not my boyfriend until that goes away. I think Sean will be my boyfriend for now. The Picton Castle sets sail for their next destination, and then Cameron calls them to the deck to open the next compartment in the Chest of Zanzibar. It contains some board thingy with leather stretched over it and a note saying the next treasure was hidden by Steele's master craftsman, who was a vain Frenchman in love with his own reflection, so obviously reflections will have something to do with the expedition. The crews are picked - Azmyth, Jay, Jupiter, Laurel, Christa, Cheryl and JD are the black crew, while Loupert, Ben, Joy, Kendra, Nessa and Sean make up the red crew. Sean is pissed he's on the crew with the crappy Joy and Kendra and says he's nervous, so of course the red crew will win.

Cameron fires his pistol and the crews are off. They row to shore to an anchor, go up a trail, use the sabotage point if they're the first crew to arrive, then find the croc's head where they'll get their next clue. So, the usual. The black crew is first and they trigger the sabotage, a pile of coconuts painted to look like rocks. As they tumble down on her, Joy screams like they're actual rocks. Oh, if only. The black crew finds the crocodile head landmark, which is actually a cool natural rock erosion where the water has worn away the rock so they look like two croc heads. The black crew finds the next clue and head off to their next destination, a cave, where they use their board thingy and a light in the cave to find a reflection that reveals where they need to go next. They need to go back to the anchor and, with the red crew right on their heels, they...get lost because Azmyth read the reflection wrong. The red crew, meanwhile, finds the anchor and digs, while the black crew goes back to read the reflection and learn they need to go to the anchor. They make it and both teams are digging endlessly until, finally, the red crew finds it. They celebrate, with Loupert smugging it up all over the place, while Azmyth looks upset. I think it's a good thing he got knocked off his pedestal, since the accent makes me want to cry and he was getting a bit too cocky. Maybe now he'll start doing things hotly again.

Back on the Picton Castle, the red crew counts their loot and it totals $5,000, which is disappointing to the crew. The box also contains a parchment, which Cameron says they'll get to later. The red crew votes Loupert as captain. Sigh. He picks Sean and Nessa as his officers. Then they get to the parchment and it's a royal pardon, which means whoever holds it is immune from being cut adrift. Loupert holds it and the others will bid for it. At Pirates Court, Cameron will reveal the highest bidder and that person must pay Loupert for it even if he or she doesn't need it. If it's not used, the one who holds the pardon must sell it before the next Pirates Court.

In the Captain's Cabin, Loupert follows Azmyth's lead and splits the money evenly among his crew. Then he and his officers wonder if JD will take his money and let himself get cut adrift or bid for the pardon. On the crew decks, Sean explains how the pardon works. JD points out that Loupert has won all four treasure hunts and Loupert responds that JD still has a lot more money. He flat out tells JD that he'd better cough up or he's going home, and JD interviews that he wants to stay. Later, he talks to Jay and says he knows Jay is tight with Loupert, and if Loupert gives JD a black spot then JD's deal with Jay is over. Jay is irritated since, even if he's close to Loupert, he's not one of his officers and doesn't make the decisions on who gets a black spot. He says if he can get the pardon to use as leverage, he will. In his cabin, Loupert tells Sean and Nessa that even if someone else gets the pardon, he has enough votes to get rid of JD. His vendetta against JD, who is undeniably a douchebag so don't get me wrong, is absurd and obsessive. He says if JD gets the pardon, he wants to get rid of Cheryl since she's loyal to JD. Sean still isn't down with getting rid of Cheryl, who he thinks is an asset. Louie's third black spot choice is Azmyth, because he screwed up as crew leader. The letters are handed out and, as expected, the nominees are Azmyth, Cheryl, and JD. Azmyth thinks he's safe, Cheryl thinks she's being unfairly targeted, and JD laughingly said he expected it. Everyone wonders how the pardon may change things. Jupiter is distressed that Loupert's mission to get JD has become so personal that he'll take out Cheryl if he can't get JD, even though she did nothing to him. Jay talks to JD and pretends to still be on his side, saying he'll do whatever he can to keep him safe.

Pirates Court. Cameron asks Loupert how he feels being captain and he says he doesn't like it, but I don't recall him turning down the honor when his crew picked him. He says he picked Azmyth because he believes a failed captain should be judged and expects the same when he's no longer captain. Cheryl's up because of her association with JD, and he finally admits he's got a grudge against JD. Cameron points out that the pirates code says the captain is entitled to half of the treasure but Loupert thinks this is Kindergarten Master, forgetting the whole PIRATE thing about this show. JD's an ass but I really can't stand self-righteous jackasses like Loupert. Azmyth gets his chance to speak and says they know what he stands for and they can trust his word, and he intends to stay and continue competing for as much treasure as possible. He also ridiculously says his loss wasn't really a loss because the memories and experiences they had are more priceless than the actual treasure. Okay, Azmyth and I are officially broken up for good. That nonsense is just lame, and the crew agrees because they're rolling their eyes and trying to keep from snickering. When asked by Cameron, Jay flatly says Azmyth's fuck up cost them the treasure and Azmyth sort of finally admits he screwed up. Cheryl is indignant at being nominated simply because of her association with JD and says she's a team player, but Nessa disagrees and says Cheryl alienated people when she was an officer. Jupiter disagrees and thinks it's not fair, saying people shouldn't be punished because of who they associate with. JD calls bullshit on Loupert's whole "we're all so happy now" and says the tone Loupert has set is one of anger. He also says the money thing is stupid, since he never said he'd share his winnings, and he believes the captain should make more. He tells Loupert that he's always treated him with respect and has no beef with him, despite Loupert's vendetta. That may be bullshit but, based on what the editors have shown, he seems to be sincere. This whole feud is one-sided because Loupert is acting like a five-year-old.

Voting. Cameron says he'll reveal who gets the pardon after the votes are cast. If the person with the highest number of votes gets the pardon, he or she will be safe and the one with the second highest number of votes will be cut adrift. After everyone's voted, he collects them, then opens the envelope with the bids. He says there are five and the owner of the pardon is JD, with a $7000 bid. Ha! Suck it, Loupert! I hope you like the taste of those sour grapes. With a 4-3 vote count, Cameron tells JD that he didn't even need the pardon, as the majority votes were not for him. JD is literally: *facepalm* Hee. Cameron tells JD he must sell the pardon before the next Pirates Court, then tells him to rejoin the crew. He turns to Cheryl and tells her that her voyage is over and she nods, unsurprised. She's cut adrift, with Loupert and JD shooting each other some major bitchface. Cheryl drifts off, voiceovering that she didn't bid for the pardon because if they didn't want to keep her, she didn't want to stay.