America's Got Talent Blows...into Chicago

As evidenced by the title of this recap, Jer-ry and the gang roll into the Windy City in search of talent. Jerry assures us that there is talent in this toddlin' town (which is home to his other show - whichscares me a little.) Our first performer is Consuelo Campbell, who is a composer/performer. She's going to perform a mix of Gregorian chant, blues and gospel - something she calls "Integral diversity." This doesn't look good. Piers buzzed her right off the bat. Her voice was fine for the chant, but her operatic style was definitely not suited for the blues. Or gospel. She isn't moving on. Sharon's confused. Piers said Consuelo looked like "Hillary Clinton on acid." Next is Sideswipe an extreme martial arts group (and finally, after 3 weeks, a little something for the ladies!) They were on last year, but an an injury sideswiped them. Ba dump dump. Their mix of martial arts and acrobatics wins over the audience (especially the female ones) and the judges - especially Sharon, who loved the boys' aggressiveness and moves. She wondered what their night moves were like. Oh be-have, girlfriend! The boys, of course, get a second chance.

Next up is country crooner Jason Pritchett (who is also quite good looking.) Sharon is turning into the Blanche Du Bois of the show, calling him a "sweet boy" and just about drooling. He sings "Live Like You Were Dying" and does a good job. He'd be great in a bar, not so great for the big money though. Piers foud him a bit bland too. Hoff compliments Jason too, and Piers goes after him, basically for being a kiss ass. Jason is moving on. Next up is Terry Fator, a ventriliquist (yeesh!) who's been doing this since a childhood encounter with a book on ventriliquism. The Hoff mirrors my sentiments when Terry and puppet hit the stage, "Oh no, a ventriliquist." Terry's puppet is named Emma Taylor her pupand she does impersonations of female vocalists. She launches into Etta James' "At Last". Damn! Who would've thunk it - he's really good. Aside from a lame Ashlee Simpson joke, the judges were blown away and push Terry and Emma onto the next round. 

Well, it took long enough for a kid to take the stage - 10-year-old Francisse Elaine, an aspiring singer (aren't they all?) She sings "A Moment like This" and gets about a moment in before getting buzzed by the judges. Hoff and Sharon think she's going to be hot in a few years. Piers tells her to toughen up. And now, it's time for the "dreams crushed montage" - rejected Irish dancers, a baton twirler, a young singer/guitarist, a teen singing quartet. Hoping not to have her dreams crushed is Butterscotch - a beatboxer/singer. Great, beatboxes. Damn you, Blake Lewis! She comes onstage with a banana (she uses it to conquer dry mouth.) She beats/sings "Love to Love You Baby." My husband said it was the most annoying thing he's heard in a long time, but the audience liked her and she didn't get buzzed. She's the best beatboxer Piers has seen - apparently there's been a lot of beatboxers this time around (I blame Blake Lewis.) She is enthusiastically sent on to the next round.
 
English (by way of North Carolina) piano player John England is next. He claims he plays more notes per second than any other piano player. He hits the stage looking like the British Liberace. He's not playing a lot of notes. Hmmm. In a surprise move, Hoff buzzed first, quickly followed by Piers, who also hit Sharon's buzzer. Sharon was mad because she  thought he was "fab" and that Elton John would adore him. Unfortunately, Hoff and Piers didn't share Elton's sentiment. At least he'll be back for tea time. Oh Lord, it's a mime Danny Flores, aka "Mr. Heart and Soul." He's the Little Richard of mime, claiming Michael Jackson stole the "mimewalk" and made it the moonwalk. He hits the stage and sings Superfreak - wait, I thought he was a mime. He really should stick to not making any sounds. Or moving. Sharon prolongs our agony for way too long. Yikes.

Charlie Kane is a 36-year-old musician who specializes in a singing style that originated from the midddle of Asia - harmonic overtone singing (or something like that.) He, not surprisingly, is a trainwreck. Banjo playing, singing off-key and making and a weird diggery-do sound. Piers said he sounded like a beached whale. Sorry, Charlie. Next is a montage of acts who probably shared a pu-pu platter with ol' Charlie after the show - Serpentium, a dance troupe who used snakes for a little "interspecies dance" - sounds vaguely creepy, L.A. Penetrator - a duo consisting of a hulking guy and a little (horrid) guitar player, a really bad singer, and a guy named Zaydar (or something - the mic stand blocked his vanity t-shirt), who had the distinction of being the worst audition so far. I think it's time for some real talent. Enter Shakira impersonator "Boy Shakira", aka Luigi, who wants to show his/her talent to America. If you ever wanted to see a pudgy boy in drag belly dance and try to emulate Shakira's moves, Boy Shakira is your...um...man. Actually, his wig's got a lot of talent - it stayed on during a lot of thrashing. This goes on way longer than it's actually funny. Frighteningly, the crowd loves Boy Shakira (this year's Leonid? I miss that boy...) Piers was surprisingly entertained. Hoff gave an emphatic no, Sharon gave an emphatic yes, it's down to Piers and he actually sends Boy Shakira to Vegas (most likely to piss off the Hoff.) Hoff's not happy that Boy Shakira went through and he got to have this week's hissy fit, storming off the stage. Piers goes to have words with him.

Hoff bitches to the producers and angrily returns to the stage. Coolaid the clown and his young proteges are next for a little crunk. Some of the kiddies are quite good, bit overall it's kind of messy. Hoff obviously had some cocktails backstage, sluuring that America would looooouuurrrrvve Coolaid. Unfortunately, it's not Coolaid time quite yet. Cas Haley, a singer/songwriter/musician is this week's sob story. Not much of one actually, no overcoming great obstacles or diseases - he's a stay-at-home dad. He sings a very Reggae-tinged rendition of the Police's "Walking on the Moon". He's enthusiastic, and an okay singer. Hoff's wasted. Another good bar crooner, if you ask me. Piers likes him; he thought he sang it better than Sting. Huh? Sharon was impressed as well. The booze is kicking in, as Hoff enthistically passes him through.

It's time for the Second Story Guys (Orlando in the hiz-zouse!),a dance troupe. They're cute boys, but in reheasral their dance moves look a little ho-hum. They then walk on stage wearing matching blue tuxes...and stilts (hence "Second Story".) They dance (well) to a Motown medley and really impressed Piers. He was almost speechless. Hoff and Sharon agreed and they'll be back in Vegas - as will the Calypso Tumblers, a 15-year-old hand balancer and his talented dog, baton twirler John Mitchell and a harmonic chorus.

Hot Pink Feathers, a burlesque dance troupe, are natuals for Vegas - arent they? They glitter up and are ready to wow us. Hoff (amazingly) wasn't impressed and neither were the other judges. Sharon thought their act wasn't up to professional standards. There was a lot of jiggling going on. The Fault Line, a Chi-town band is next. They're a vocal rock band singing a capella. They choose the Grand Funk Railroad chestnut "Some Kind of Wonderful". The performance started out a bit weird but they actually were pretty good. The audience liked them. Piers doesn't like their look (his big criticism from last season returns!) he calls them "3 cool guys and 2 nerds." Despite that comment, the band got unanimously sent on to Vegas.

It's the spills n' calamites section of the show. Fire eater Tony has some problems with his flames and his fiery personality came out when Piers buzzed him. A man who could paint on a treadmilll (and mix drinks) was attempting a portrait of the Hoff when his easel fell over. Another auditioner said stuff backwards into a recorder to play back properly - I think, he was having major technical difficulties. Will magician Kevin James face the same fate? This magic veteran has worked with Doug Henning and David Copperfield and admitted that he was just a big kid. His routine involved assembling a Charlie Chaplin doll in a trunk. In the process, the head rolled off the stage. Mistake? Nope, it was a ruse, which distracted the audience, so that the doll could be changed into a real boy. The judges were delighted and Kevin heads west.

Losing a fraternity bet (or something) is Alex Mooney, who breaks miscellaneous objects with his butt. To the tune of "Baby's Got Back", Alex breaks pencils and a ruler as well as bending a fork. Piers calls him a ridiculous waste of space. Is it 10 yet? Ada Lynn is an 80 years young dancer/singer/comedianne. Her hubby died last year, just shy of their 55 yera annuiversary. She's got quite a set of lungs for a granny. She does a cute singing and comedy routine. Piers almost gave her a coronary with his buzz. Sharon loved her and so did Hoff, so Ada moves on. She's a sweetie.

Last up is Kashif from Pakistan, who is here to do his "special moves" and impress us with his dancing skills. His specialty is "Bollywood style" dancing. He starts with that arm move that Bernadette used to do on "Zoom" (showing my age, I know). Think Pakistani Napoleon Dynamite. The audience loved him. Piers said his dancing was extraordinary. Sharon and Hoff also give Kashif their seal of approval. Say what? I think "America Loves Nerds" should be NBC's next summer blockbuster. You network execs can have that one for free. 20 acts made it to Vegas. Next week, it's the Big Apple.