Pirate Master - Episode 103 - Bribes, Lies and Vengeful Eye

We open with another lengthy recap of how the show works and what happened in the first two episodes. Is it sad that listening to Cameron's yummy accent tell us shit we've already seen is far more interesting than the actual show? Yes. Yes, it is.

Post-elimination reactions. Loupert moans about missing Christian and says everyone is dumb for not getting rid of JD but, HELLO, he did not even vote for mutiny. He's so full of shit. Credits. I really do like the jaunty theme music. When we return, Jay wakes up the crew and tells them to get ready to set sail. I was going to bitch about there being another effing montage of the sails being hoisted blah blah blah but then I see a shot of Azmyth hotly doing yoga, so it's all good. Jay sucks up to JD, then tells the camera that he's loyal to JD as long as it benefits him. Jay's kind of a dick but at least he's playing the game like it's a real competition with actual prize money and not like it's an RPG. Jupiter puts makeup on the crew members. Flag is raised, sails are hoisted, people blather about the life of a pirate. Laurel (glass blower) says she's lived in a van for a year and thinks being a pirate is more of a state of mind thing. Alexis whines about being sore and tired. Sean is all, "Yay, it's treasure day!" Hee.

Cameron calls everyone to the deck, where the third compartment in the Chest of Zanzibar is unlocked, revealing two scrolls and a letter from Capt. Steele. The next part of the treasure was hidden by Steele's quartermaster, who liked to write secret codes in blood. The black crew is JD, Cheryl, Ben, Sean, Joy, Alexis and Laurel. The red crew is Loupert, Kendra, Jupiter, Christa, Nessa, Jay and Azmyth. Loupert blowhards how thrilled he is that he's on the red team because he wants to take down JD. Whatever. I'll believe it when I see it. Jay is excited Azmyth is on his crew since Azmyth is hot such a strong competitor. Azmyth interviews that obviously the team he's on is going to win and it's assy but true and he's hot so I'm okay with it.

The two crews row to shore, briefly forced to get out and push their longboats over a sandbar. Alexis takes this time to go on a little stroll and her crewmates are baffled by her odd behavior. The crews must race up a narrow trail, the red crew narrowly in the lead because of the lagging Alexis in the black crew. The red crew reaches the sabotage and triggers it, a pile of crisscrossed bamboo logs, right on top of the black crew. The black crew can't get out and, buried alive with no water or food, they perish on the trail. Oh, I'm just kidding. This show isn't that exciting. The black crew actually makes it through pretty quickly, and Cameron tells us that the crews must cross a fast-moving river to a headless skeleton. They need to use the code nearby to find the skull in the river with a key. Loupert finds it so you know he's going to be even more insufferable. The red crew runs off to the their next location, a waterfall, where Nessa finds the treasure, which is extracted by Loupert and Azmyth. The red crew celebrates and Loupert cackles that JD's already got a black spot. Whatever, assface.

Back on the ship, Cheryl, Ben and JD are stripped of their fancy coats and told to move into the crew bunks. JD says he knows he's in danger now but he seems pretty upbeat about it, which is a nice change from his usual attitude of taking this whole thing so seriously. When the red crew arrives, JD brings out the clothing and Loupert insists JD had a "puppydog face" but, honestly, JD is grinning and seems unconcerned. Loupert is delusional, methinks. The red crew found $35,000 and Cameron tells them they need to pick a new captain. It's no contest - Azmyth is elected by unanimous decision and he hotly names Jupiter and Jay as his officers. The money is split as usual but Azmyth is not going to follow JD's path and he tells Jupiter and Jay that he wants to give more to the rest of his crew. Unfortunately, he's decided to start speaking in a bad English accent and that loses him at least 10 hotness points. Maybe even 20. That shit is seriously lame. Azmyth calls everyone into the Captain's Cabin one at a time and divides the money evenly among them, which everyone is happy about, although Christa points out that the accent is annoying. For real.

Later, Azmyth and his officers discuss who to give black spots to and Azmyth decides he wants to target the floaters. He even says they need to "flush them out," which is gross but funny. Jay interviews that he doesn't want to give JD a black spot since he promised to protect JD and it's still in his best interests to do so. Out on deck, Azmyth gives a short speech in his stupid accent and Jupiter hands out the letters. Alexis, Laurel and Cheryl are nominated. Laurel is surprised, Cheryl isn't because she thinks she's a big threat, and Alexis is taking the attitude "it's not me, it's them." Most importantly, JD isn't nominated and we sadly don't see Loupert's furious reaction to that, but he's immediately gunning for Cheryl since she was one of JD's officers. JD wants to try and protect Cheryl and thinks Alexis should be the one to go. Sean originally tells Jay that he's going to vote for Alexis to go but Jay gives him a $1000 to vote for Cheryl instead.

Pirates Court. Cameron explains the proceedings for the particularly slow-witted viewers who haven't caught on to the intricacies of this game yet. Cameron also awesomely mocks Azmyth for the accent, which Azmyth blames on the hat and coat. Everyone laughs and Azmyth doesn't seem to realize they're not laughing with him, they're laughing at him. Sigh. Next we get the "save me" speeches. Alexis challenges them to accept her for who she is and Laurel pretty much says she's having fun and doesn't want to go. Cheryl says she was disadvantaged by being named an officer right away since she didn't have the chance to bond with the crew. She also says she's a solid competitor and an even better cheerleader for others who struggle. JD speaks up and says it's his fault he kept his officers close and didn't let them mingle with the crew, but Cheryl is a positive asset. Azmyth gets one last chance to speak just in case the crew mutinies and he thankfully has dropped the accent when he says morale is up and he think he has a good support system in place. Cameron calls everyone down to vote, then goes to count the votes. He tells Laurel that she's safe and tells Azmyth that there were no votes for mutiny. Azmyth nicely thanks the crew and he again doesn't use the accent, so he's my boyfriend again. Cameron says there's a tie, with Alexis and Cheryl each getting four votes. In a tiebreaker, the captain picks who gets cut adrift and Azmyth selects Alexis, basing his decision on who can perform best in expeditions. Alexis climbs on the raft and Azmyth hotly cuts her adrift. As she floats away, she says she actually expected more votes and thinks she earned some respect amongst the crew.